Wednesday Q&A: Is this abuse?
Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline or from a domestic violence agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to maggie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
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QUESTION:
Is years of hearing a spouse telling you that you have a lover (when you don’t), that you hate them (him telling me I hate him), and never saying anything nice about me — to me or to anyone — a form of abuse?
I have been with my husband of 17 years, and cant remember ever feeling happy around him. I have always been on edge around him afraid to speak my mind for what he will say in return. He has always made comments that he thinks I have a boyfriend. That I only dress nice (for family events or funerals) to impress the guys. He has never told me he thought I was pretty, or even looked nice.
I have no reason to want sex with him anymore because he makes it out to be a chore, not romance. I cant even remember the last time I wanted to have sex with him except for the reason of just to get it out of the way for the month, week, or what ever the occasion may have been. I just know how my mother felt when my father used to hurt her; I don’t get hit, but some days wish he would hit me; maybe then I would have a real reason to leave him. Or kick him out.
Am I wrong for asking these questions? Am I being selfish for wanting to feel happy and hear a man tell me I look nice? Is being put down for years a form of abuse?
Sometimes I think if I have a bruise to prove how I feel then someone would believe me!
ANSWER:
Thank you for raising these very important questions. You are absolutely not wrong for asking them.
The short answer is this: Domestic violence can be emotional, physical, psychological and/or sexual. While many abusers use some combination of these forms of violence, sometimes abuse doesn’t involve physical violence at all.
We hear similar questions a lot on our Crisis Line, from people who are experiencing something in their relationship that doesn’t feel right, that feels cruel and controlling, yet isn’t physical. Sometimes they wonder whether this counts as “abuse”, or whether it’s not as damaging or problematic as being punched or kicked.
The truth is, emotional abuse can be even more devastating than physical violence. Ongoing emotional abuse can erode your self-esteem and confidence in ways physical abuse often can’t. Emotional abuse leaves no scars, so victims often feel even more alone and isolated, with no outward proof (like a broken arm or a black eye) of what is happening to them. And while physical abuse can be overt and simple to identify (i.e. “He hit me in the jaw”), emotional abuse can often feel more difficult to label, or put a finger on. This means many people who experience emotional abuse often do so in silence and confusion, with no one ever knowing what they’re going through, or believing them when they try to ask for help.
I am so glad you reached out and asked for help.
Here is a list of some common warning signs of emotional abuse:
- Dictating your behavior, privileges and/or opinions.
- Accusing you of flirting or having sexual relationships with other people.
- Monitoring and/or criticizing your clothing, make-up, weight, and physical appearance.
- Constantly asking where you are going, who you’re with, etc.
- Insisting that you spend all or most of your time together, isolating you from family and friends.
- Becoming angry or taking offense when you have a different opinion than he/she does or when you don’t take his/her advice.
- Demonstrating ownership and possessiveness over you (“I can’t live without you,” “You are my whole world,” etc.).
- Displaying anger, jealousy, and/or frustration easily; acting ‘hurt’ when not getting his/her way; getting very upset at small inconveniences.
This list is just a short sample. Turning Point Services offers a more comprehensive list of warning signs and another helpful list can be found here.
You know your situation best. If you see your relationship reflected in any of the warning signs included in these lists, please consider talking with someone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE. A trained counselor can talk with you about your specific situation and connect you to other resources that can be of help.
We encourage people to trust their instincts when their partner does something that “just feels wrong”, or raises a red flag, or makes them feel small, silenced, unsafe, or alone. I am so glad you listened to that little voice that keeps saying, “Something here isn’t right.”
I am sure others who are reading this may have their own words of comfort, assurance and advice on this issue. It is something so many women (and men) have been through. You are not alone. No one deserves to feel ridiculed, berated and fearful. It is not selfish or wrong to expect your partner to treat you with kindness, trust and respect.
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Carrie K. is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
Please help Violence UnSilenced if you can
I got word this week that Coco nominated Violence UnSilenced for SocialLuxe Lounge’s Most Inspiring Blog. I’m not very good at pimping these kinds of things but when it comes to spreading the word about Violence UnSilenced I swallow hard and I do it so here I am. I know that there are still all kinds of survivors who don’t yet know about what’s going on here, men and women and kids who have stories to tell that will bring healing to themselves and countless unknown others. The winner of Most Inspiring Blog will be recognized at BlogHer — this seems like a fantastic opportunity to reach a whole bunch of people and I’m so grateful to Coco for the nomination.
You are allowed to vote once a day every day, and voting closes July 6.
Thanks for considering it, and for your continued support of this site. I’m so proud of all of you and I’m honored to be in your presence.
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(If you have any trouble navigating the BlogLuxe site, Mojo has put together a handy dandy guide because he is this VU’s biggest champion and that is a fact. Thank you Mojo!)
Sixteen-year-old David
This is for you, that one crazy girl
I watched you waste your life away
with that jerk off who sent your emotions through a swirl
and when the cops would get there, your life would go astray
I’d watch from a distance
Your friends always warned you, for instance:
Hun, you have to get out of there, they told
You shouldn’t let him put you under his control
But you stayed, through thick and thin
And watched him drink the beer and gin
I’m sure you wished for a knight in shining armor
But only got a drunk filled with anger
So night after night
and fight after fight
you’d sit by and let it happen
not knowing one day, about you I’d be rappin’
Without you I’m sure I wouldn’t be here
But without me, I’m sure you’d be sheddin’ lots of tears
Hearing the keys jingle in the door
stumbling foot steps on the floor
I always wondered, while you laid in your bed
what thoughts might have been going through your head
Would you cringe in fear as you heard his slurred rage fill the home
with beer in hand, through the house he would roam
Every night his fuse was cut short
in ignorance and anger, to his slurred insults you would always retort
Like a volcano about to burst
he became an alcoholic with a thirst
A thirst for order and control
So he’d smack you around
You’d wish to be out of this hellhole
And wait till he left you alone on the ground
You’d cry and cry
I’m sure, at one point in time, you’d wish you would die
But you couldn’t because of me
I was what kept you happy
You’d come to me late at night
and caress my hair
after one of your more uglier fights
he wouldn’t do that around me, no, he wouldn’t dare.
I began to grow a vengeance
It happened when they took his license
The anger management didn’t help
or how his children yelped.
So I got out more
and began to resent the man who harmed my number one
It was all I could abhor
I would finish this, it would be done.
So one day, I came over, exploded like a bomb.
Decked him a good one in the face
Memories erased
I love you, mom
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David’s mom blogs at Wait. What?
