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As I stumbled awkwardly into adolescence I began to realize that the stress of being the family hero far outweighed the rewards. I was not a particularly popular kid, having frequently moved and changed schools, low dose PAXIL. I did eventually discover two assets that won the respect of my peers; my cynical sense of humor and my ability to drink large amounts of alcohol. As I got a little older I realized that by consuming these massive amounts of alcohol I had the courage to seduce men. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, By the time I was in my late teens to early twenties, I was a fully fledged party girl. The punk rock music scene was a place I found acceptance, Online buying PAXIL hcl, entertainment and plenty of sex, drugs and alcohol. It was in one of the more popular punk clubs of the time that I first saw, and was magnetically drawn to, the man I would marry not much more than a year later, buy PAXIL no prescription.

There are people who believe in love at first sight, I maintain that it’s probably more like lust at first sight. I think what really drew me to him was his aura of danger, Japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, unpredictability and complete irreverence. He really was the quintessential “Bad Boy.” We hooked up at a party later that night and within a week he had moved into the one bedroom apartment I shared with my best friend, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. He was extremely charming, fun and adventurous. He became my total object of obsession. I quickly made him the center of my universe, buy generic PAXIL, any plan activity and choice I made was based on what I thought or knew he would want.  What he wanted was to party all the time and so we did.

Within a year and after several adventures, I became pregnant. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, By this time I had experienced some pretty severe episodes of physical abuse, psychological abuse and several nights of waiting up for him to return from a night out, only to be left waiting. Generic PAXIL, My first thought when I found out I was pregnant was to buy a greyhound ticket and get out of town as fast as possible. But the sentimental part of me thought he at least had a right to know that he had a child on the way. I figured he would be the one to make a hasty exit via Greyhound out of town when faced with the possibility of the responsibility of parenthood; not to mention a partner who could no longer drink and drug every night. Much to my surprise his reaction was not at all what I had anticipated (and secretly hoped for). He made the declaration that we would settle down, stop using, he’d get a job and we’d get married, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. It was, PAXIL schedule, in my “ideal world” a dream come true; and even though in my gut I knew better, I held on to that dream. We did get married, Buy no prescription PAXIL online, things actually were pretty good most of my pregnancy; I began to think maybe this could work after all.

That’s the thing many people fail to understand about abusive relationships; there are good times and you really do love this person because even though they hurt you there’s always an excuse, a reason. They themselves have been wounded, hurt and damaged, taking PAXIL. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, And if it even does occur to you that it’s not your fault any more than it is your responsibility to fix it, you are quickly reminded that you are all he has left; you are the only one who understands. What better chance for redemption for the kid who couldn’t solve her family of origins problems. I’ll show you I’ll create my own mess and then I’ll fix it.

We ended up staying together for three years. PAXIL overnight, There were ups and down, but eventually things worsened. I suspected him of cheating, but I always used the judicial standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt.” Of course that thinking is just really another form of denial, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. Denial is a powerful link in the chains that bind an abusive relationship. Finally even my well ingrained talent for denial could no longer hold its own against the reality I was living. I was no longer his savior, order PAXIL from mexican pharmacy, but was now a huge failure that had only made things worse. Oh and by the way how could I be trusted to raise a child. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, He’d make certain that didn’t happen. The chain that bound me had changed from the desire to be the Hero to the desire to survive and keep my child. Cheap PAXIL, Once again I found myself realizing the role of Hero demanded great sacrifice and offered little in return.

Finally one night after he had come home drunk, hit me, shoved me, choked me and trashed the house (he even threw the stove across the kitchen) I called the police.  While he spent the night in jail I packed what essentials I needed for myself and my three year old into two large garbage bags and started calling friends, PAXIL dose. It was the middle of the night and I had to stand on the corner in front of the liquor store with my daughter and our bags to use the pay phone because after I’d called the police he destroyed the phone.

The next day I actually filed a restraining order stayed with a friend for a few weeks, then with my brother for a few weeks until I could save enough money to rent a small one bedroom apartment for my daughter and myself, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. As often happens, the first time didn’t “take." He stopped drinking, PAXIL no rx, turned on the charm, and even got his family involved. His family paid for a marriage counselor to work with us with the goal of reunification. After this there were actually a few good years, relatively speaking, PAXIL from canadian pharmacy. I was enrolled in school working on a degree in Human Services, my daughter was in an excellent preschool and my husband was actually working here and there. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, But eventually, as all too often happens, things slowly began to slip back to the old ways. He started using again and soon after so did I. Doses PAXIL work, I fueled my days with valium and coffee (the housewife's speedball), and my evenings with weed and the occasional narcotics and, of course, alcohol.  Maintaining this state of chemically enhanced wonderland was yet another link in the chain.

There is so much to tell in this story I could easily write a book, PAXIL description, but in the condensed form I will tell you that his cheating became so obvious that no amount of alcohol, pills and just plain denial could repress the knowledge. If I were to question it, Purchase PAXIL, I became the guilty party, un-supportive and crazy; He became more and more resentful, addicted, more and more involved in selling drugs and increasingly suspicious of my pursuit of an education. It was rightly so, perhaps, since I had long since decided my education was my ticket out of this nightmare, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. In those days the state would pay you AFDC (aid to families and dependent children) while you went to school and there were grants and loans available, PAXIL without prescription. Finally one spring semester in 1988 I took out an extra loan and forged his signature so he wouldn’t know (being married we were both required to sign the promissory note).

When I finally told him I was done and I wanted a divorce, what followed was a long horrendous week of basically being trapped in the house because he wouldn’t let me leave except to walk my daughter to her school bus. No prescription PAXIL online, At the end of this week, on my 29th birthday, after I’d taken my daughter to her school bus, he declared he was going to kill himself and make me watch. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, He barricaded the exits and tore the phone out of the wall. He put enough drugs into a syringe to kill an elephant, order PAXIL online c.o.d, and told me now you can have what you want, Happy Birthday. As he shot up and started to seizure, PAXIL interactions, I found myself thinking I wasn’t going to go for help until he was gone. I realized I had become a hard, cold woman. I actually considered letting another human being die. What had I become?  This was not the person I remembered being once, so long ago it seemed, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. She was hiding inside me somewhere like a small child waiting until it was safe to come out, order PAXIL online overnight delivery no prescription.

As fate would have it (and for the better I suppose) he survived, but I had made up my mind. If I had become the kind of person who would let someone else die without intervening I had completely lost my rational mind. Buy PAXIL from mexico, So that was, as they say, the “last straw.” I called the woman he had been seeing and, much to her surprise, told her that he would need a place to stay and that I was certain she’d be happy to help him out, PAXIL pictures, right. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, Within a day or two he was off to live with his mistress.

He came in and out of our lives at various and unpredictable intervals, usually promising a vacation or a shopping trip or some other carrot on a stick to try to maintain our daughter’s admiration. Buying PAXIL online over the counter, He rarely followed through. I think she was only about 11 when she herself told him she’d rather have no dad than one she couldn’t count on, and for many years they didn’t see each other. He’d pop in now and then, often years apart, about PAXIL. It was when my daughter had our first grandchild that he started coming around more often, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER.

I’m glad for my daughter that she got to know him, the fun side of him, and the goofy side. Buy PAXIL from canada, But not long after she got to know him, he was found dead alone in a hotel room of an overdose. His funeral was on her 21st birthday. No one knows for sure if it was intentional, or maybe “accidentally on purpose” I just hope that whatever comes next after this life works out better for him and anyone who loves him, PAXIL steet value. Oddly enough, or not, I wish him the best; and that acceptance has broken the last link in the chain nearly 30 years later.

© 2010 Jennifer L. Hazard

###

Jennifer writes at Nanakoosa's Place, a "personal consulting, mentoring, and advocacy website for and by real women." .

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As a child I remember her enter my room, CLOMIPRAMINE trusted pharmacy reviews, watching her hide in the closet hoping that she wouldn’t be found by the man of the house, Get CLOMIPRAMINE, a man’s man, my father. Watching as he dragged her away and, buy CLOMIPRAMINE without prescription, instead of fighting, Order CLOMIPRAMINE no prescription, she would look at me and in a whisper say, “I love you, everything is just fine.”  Hearing the pounding of flesh in the next room, CLOMIPRAMINE street price, trying to deafen myself with as many soft white pillows as I could wrap around my head. Buy CLOMIPRAMINE online cod, Trying to escape the screams of my mother that seemed to permeate the air. CLOMIPRAMINE FOR SALE, Wondering why someone couldn’t hear her, why someone couldn’t save her, why someone couldn’t save us. Listening as everything would go quiet. Trying to silence the flurry of thoughts that streamed through my consciousness, comprar en línea CLOMIPRAMINE, comprar CLOMIPRAMINE baratos. Attempting to listen as carefully as possible, CLOMIPRAMINE wiki, to soften the pounding of my heart. Lying there paralyzed, afraid to move, where can i order CLOMIPRAMINE without prescription, afraid to call out for my mother, CLOMIPRAMINE reviews, afraid as to what I may or may not hear in return.

I remember the mornings that followed the abuse, how my mother would feel so distant and cold, CLOMIPRAMINE FOR SALE. How she would try to pat away the bright red liquid that seeped through the cracks in her lips. How she would carefully cover the deep gashes that fell upon her cheeks and above her eyes, CLOMIPRAMINE coupon. You could feel the emotion that she exuded, CLOMIPRAMINE dosage, the deep despair that seemed to weigh in the air, the pain and anguish that had a tight grip around my mother’s neck, trying to steal away any life left within her, kjøpe CLOMIPRAMINE på nett, köpa CLOMIPRAMINE online.

The way my mother would tremble when my father entered the room. CLOMIPRAMINE FOR SALE, Seeing her quiver and fight through tears to smile as he kissed her. CLOMIPRAMINE brand name, Wondering to myself why people said they loved each other, wondering if that was real love. Watching as my mother would prepare meals and stand at the end of the table, CLOMIPRAMINE from mexico, eyes focused on the ground as if she were looking for something, Purchase CLOMIPRAMINE online no prescription, like she was waiting for an escape door to open and suck her inside, saving her from her life of pain and chaos. Watching as my father would eat his meal, CLOMIPRAMINE samples, waiting to see if he was satisfied. Real brand CLOMIPRAMINE online, Knowing that if it was unsatisfactory then he would think it best served upon my mother. Crying as he would circle her, kick her, spit upon her, taunt her like a wild mad beast, CLOMIPRAMINE FOR SALE.

The memory of the time he showered her not with affection, but with a steaming pot of pinto beans--my mother’s favorite--is forever seared within my consciousness, buy cheap CLOMIPRAMINE no rx. I remember feeling disconnect from the world around me as the boiling liquid created welts upon her flesh. Order CLOMIPRAMINE from United States pharmacy, Running to her as the boils rose, soft pockets of pus, resentment, CLOMIPRAMINE no prescription, and pain. Online CLOMIPRAMINE without a prescription, She was at her breaking point, a point of no return. CLOMIPRAMINE FOR SALE, Dead to everyone around her, dead to herself, numb, cold, broken. I never knew a woman to wear color like my mother, purchase CLOMIPRAMINE for sale, a woman as strong, Ordering CLOMIPRAMINE online, as brave, as alive and dead all at once. No, CLOMIPRAMINE gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, I never knew a woman to wear color like my mother. CLOMIPRAMINE use, ###

This piece was written by Hunter Jolley in honor of her mother, Dawn. Anyone who wishes to contact her about her story is free to email her at hunterjolley [at] msn [dot] com. .

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Jenni writes at Mommy Nani BooBoo and tweets as @MommyNaniBooBoo.
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There are a lot of gaps in my childhood, PLENDIL duration, most of which I’m thankful for, but there are moments that are so drastically burned into my memory that I cannot erase them.  No matter how hard I try or fight.

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I remember the sounds of the Ferris wheel, the smell of the funnel cakes and cotton candy, and the laughter of those walking around the LA county fair, BUY PLENDIL OVER THE COUNTER. It's probably one of maybe a handful of memories that are good that I have of him. Cheap PLENDIL no rx, He promised that he would protect me, that he would be a shoulder and a guiding light in my life. A support structure, PLENDIL trusted pharmacy reviews, as he should have been. PLENDIL no prescription, Instead he took the trust of an impressionable little girl; he twisted it and abused it, just like he did to his wife. BUY PLENDIL OVER THE COUNTER, He pulled parts of my childhood that should have been filled with sugarplum fairytales, gum drop play scenes and other things brought about by my imagination, and turned them into nightmares. Nightmares of beatings, discount PLENDIL, threats that no 8-year-old should ever witness, PLENDIL canada, mexico, india, and scars. Scars that, while not visible, buy cheap PLENDIL no rx, lie under the surface causing trust and emotional issues in that once 8-year-old child that has grown into a 24-year-old woman.  I sat there as he told my mother matter-of-factly that he was going to blow up her car while I was in it.  I stood up for my mom and told him that he wasn’t allowed to threaten her anymore and if he didn’t leave I was going to call the police.  I was eight. PLENDIL treatment, I heard a few months ago that he died. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I can only assume with the lifestyle that he lived, buy PLENDIL from canada, it is. My mom was afraid to tell me, BUY PLENDIL OVER THE COUNTER. PLENDIL from mexico, She was afraid that I'd actually care, afraid that I may have actually cried at the news. To be completely honest, buy cheap PLENDIL, I was so incredibly relieved that there was going to be no more hoping some unexpected person or family would have to deal with the possibilities of disaster that came along with him. PLENDIL price, coupon, That no child would have to go through nearly being raped by him. That no woman would have to deal with him raping them, beating them or threatening to murder them and then coming close, order PLENDIL from United States pharmacy. BUY PLENDIL OVER THE COUNTER, That no little girl would have to spend a Halloween inside the house in her costume, peering out the front window at him screaming and yelling at her mom. No child should have to go through any of that. PLENDIL schedule, Ever. But at the same time, I have to thank him for it, kjøpe PLENDIL på nett, köpa PLENDIL online. I'm not sure if I'd be the person I am today if those things hadn't happened.

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I remember being trapped in a community pool bathroom, after going in to take a piss.  Being followed in by him and being held against the cold tile wall.  I hadn’t slept for days before this, I was too weak to fight back, not able to scream loud enough.  Not that the screams would have done any good, we were the only ones at the pool.  I said no, I said stop, I said get off me, I said don’t do that, I said no. He didn’t care.  He was older, a bad boy, a friend of a friend.  I had already lost my virginity so I guess he thought he wouldn’t be taking much from me.  I still cringe or turn around swinging when someone touches my back or grabs my shoulder.  I was told he was murdered a year after, and I felt relief. I was fifteen.

I have tried to find validation in every relationship I’ve had.   Either by trying to fix the man that I’m with, trying to make him see that he can be better than he is, by telling myself I deserved the shit I put myself through, by justifying a fight.  It’s hard for me to trust people, to comprehend the way they function rather than the way that I function.  In two relationships, the men had overstepped their boundaries and threw me into a completely defensive mode which resulted in them being thrown into a wall.  I question whether I am now becoming the abuser instead of taking the abuse, but then I feel that even though I did physical harm to them, I was put into a bad position and took what action I felt was necessary to remove myself from it.  I still don’t like being cornered or pinned against a wall with someone screaming in my face.

I wasn’t supposed to make it through birth or to live after I was born, the doctors said.  I lived.  My whole life I struggled to not become a statistic, to follow in the footsteps of my mother and her drug habits, to beat the odds.  I made it.  I’ve made it this far and I will be damned if I’m going to give up now.

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Calleah writes at Ninja Kitten, and tweets as @lythics..

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