Keith Smith
The following survivor story was written by Keith Smith, who is breaking his 34-year silence with his book, Men in My Town, scheduled for release late-March on Amazon.com.
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I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island.
I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. 34 years later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.
In the time between the night of my assault and the night he was murdered, I lived in fear. I was afraid he was still around town. Afraid he was looking for me. Afraid he would track me down and kill me. The fear didn’t go away when he was murdered. Although he was no longer a threat, the simple life and innocence of a 14-year-old boy was gone forever. Carefree childhood thoughts replaced with the unrelenting realization that my world wasn’t a safe place. My peace shattered by a horrific criminal act of sexual violence.
Over the past 34 years, I’ve been haunted by horrible, recurring memories of what he did to me. He visits me in my sleep. There have been dreams–nightmares actually–dozens of them, sweat inducing, yelling-in-my-sleep nightmares filled with images and emotions as real as they were when it actually happened. It doesn’t get easier over time. Long dead, he still visits me, silently sneaking up from out of nowhere when I least expect it. From the grave, he sits by my side on the couch every time the evening news reports a child abduction or sex crime. I don’t watch America’s Most Wanted or Law and Order SVU, because the stories are a catalyst, triggering long suppressed emotions, feelings, memories, fear and horror. Real life horror stories rip painful suppressed memories out from where they hide, from that recessed place in my brain that stores dark, dangerous, horrible memories. It happened when William Bonin confessed to abducting, raping and murdering 14 boys in California; when Jesse Timmendequas raped and murdered Megan Kanka in New Jersey; when Ben Ownby, missing for four days, and Shawn Hornbeck, missing for four years, were recovered in Missouri.
Despite what happened that night and the constant reminders that continue to haunt me years later, I wouldn’t change what happened. The animal that attacked me was a serial predator, a violent pedophile trolling my neighborhood in Lincoln, Rhode Island looking for young boys. He beat me, raped me, and I stayed alive. I lived to see him arrested, indicted and murdered. It might not have turned out this way if he had grabbed one of my friends or another kid from my neighborhood. Perhaps he’d still be alive. Perhaps there would be dozens of more victims and perhaps he would have progressed to the point of silencing his victims by murdering them.
Out of fear, shame and guilt, I’ve been silent for over three decades, not sharing with anyone the story of what happened to me. No more. The silence has to end. The fear, the shame, the guilt have to go. It’s time to stop keeping this secret from the people closest to me, people I care about, people I love, my long-time friends and my family. It’s time to speak out to raise public awareness of male sexual assault, to let other victims know that they’re not alone and to help victims of rape and violent crime understand that the emotion, fear and memories that may still haunt them are not uncommon to those of us who have shared a similar experience. For those who suffer in silence, I hope my story brings some comfort, peace and hope.
72 Responses to “Keith Smith”
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One of the bravest things I have read in a long time.
I am so very sorry that happened to you. Hopefully this will give more people courage to speak out.
What an amazing story. You truly are a survivor. I hope that your post, along with your book, will help others to become UnSilenced.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for having the courage to speak out. Being abducted and tortured as you were has always been one of my biggest fears. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.
Bless you for coming forward. You’ve got a lot of bravery, and I commend you for setting an example to others. (((((HUG))))))
Thank you so much for your bravery. I hope speaking out helps others who have gone through such experiences, if only to let them know they are not alone.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
You have taken an incredible step towards healing and recovery by writing this here and writing your book; good for you for breaking your silence and for not allowing your story of abuse go unspoken or unaddressed.
Thank you so much for sharing it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it will help someone that is afraid to speak up.
Keith, you’re an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this.
I know exactly what you mean about not changing it. I sometimes feel ashamed for thinking that, too. I’m glad to know others feel that way as well.
Thank you for telling your story. It brought tears to my eyes. Your bravery does help other people who are still trapped with the fear, shame and guilt.
It helped me.
What a powerful story. Thanks for helping others.
Bless you, Keith. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I am glad you had the strength and courage all of those years ago to survive, to take action after, and that you have the wisdom now to recognize your value. Peace,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can not imagine…well, I can imagine, but I bet it comes nowhere close to the reality of what you’ve gone through. I have to say, I would love to shake the hand of the person who killed that animal…that’s a public service. I wish the government would wake up and realise that these sick b*stards can not be rehabilitated. They need to be locked up for good. How many horrifying examples do they need?!? I’m sorry…but child predators are one group that I have absolutely no compassion for whatsoever. I have no compunction about stripping them of their “rights”.
WOW! How horrible for that to happen to you…and how courageous you are for sharing your story!
Some people find it hard to believe that boys and yes, even men, can be victims of sexual violence, even domestic violence. I’m glad you’re dealing with your trauma and willing to share your story with others.
Sandi
How many men and boys never speak up because of the very feelings you’ve described. The perception is that only the “weak” are victimized, or at least only the “weak” talk about it. The facts say otherwise. Those who do talk about their experiences are more often empowered by it. They become stronger, not weaker. And yet, the perception remains.
So it takes one helluva lot of guts to step up an acknowledge what happened to you. And there are going to be those who won’t see the strength that it took to do it. Knowing that and doing it anyway — that’s the mark of true courage.
And because of it, another young boy or man is going to realize that they don’t have to keep silent, that they can speak out and be heard and be freed from the secret that’s keeping them.
And for that, we all owe you a debt of gratitude.
having boys that are 14 of my own – this was heart wrenching to read – but I am so grateful you are out talking about it now. Thank you for your bravery.
Frell, I pray nightly that my 4 year old boy is kept safe. I am so sorry that this happened to you. By speaking out you will be helping so many to realize that they are not alone. Boys/men have a voice too. They should be heard.
i’m truly sorry you had to experience something like this. but i commend you for speaking out…i hope to be as brave as you one day…
Im speachless.. ((HUGS))
Thank you for your story. You’re a survivor in the truest sense of the word.
Thank you for sharing Keith. I hope that by sharing here it let’s you take one more step toward healing. I know it couldn’t have been easy.
You are absolutely right. The world needs to hear a survivor story like yours. Thank you for being courageous enough to tell it. I know you’ll help countless people with it. And, for what it’s worth, I’m so sorry that it happened to you in the first place.
We know without a doubt it happens to men as well as women, yet until the stories are told how would anyone ever know for sure? Thank you for finding the courage to write about this horrific incident in your life. It takes amazing courage to survive something like this. It’s not just surviving the beating and rape…it’s surviving life afterwards.
The nightmares are horrific, the memories stay with you unflinching. Once you break the silence those things find less control/weight inside of you. There truly is healing in the telling dear friend. I wish you peace and love! (Hugs)Indigo
First, let me say thank you. I also want to tell you how brave an action I believe your sharing your story is. So proud that you would step out to raise the awareness about sexual assault impacting men and boys.
You very much took my breath away, especially as you spoke of how even 34 years later there will be dreams, or other things that come to mind like it is today. I’ve struggled lately — beating myself up over the fact that even after so many years, even after the therapy, the doctors, the medicine, I’m not “better” — that often I feel no where even near “better” or even okay.
Hearing and reading what you wrote had it make more sense for me. It helped me. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for having the courage to do so.
You sound like an amazing survivor. I’m glad to know your story.
thank you for breaking the silence
I speak as a Mother and Grandmother—whose anger rises and willingness to hunt down and kill anyone who would do that to a child amazes even me.
And I wonder did a single one of us, upon reading that he was beaten to death, not breathe a “Good,” or a “Good enough for him,” or a silent “YESSSS!!” in our heart of hearts. I did. And I know that I don’t think “locking him up forever” is bad enough for that single-minded, for-the-moment ME ME ME that drives such lunacy and such savagery toward the helpless innocents—savagery which colors and taints and darkens a child’s life for such a long time.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and will tell you this: There is no shame for you, no guilt—not an iota. Your courage and your bravery are phenomenal, and you have my deepest admiration for the telling, the writing, the sharing.
When you travel with your book, I hope you come here—I’d like to shake your hand, and stand in your presence, because you’re worth standing up for.
Bravo.
rachel
Thank you.
I am so sorry.
You are so brave to share your story. Thank you for finding victory amidst your pain and struggles.
Thank you for telling your story so that others can feel safe enough to do the same Keith.
I have to say, what caught me most, was that you wouldn’t change a thing about what happend to you, so that it wouldn’t happen to someone else. THAT takes courage man…not wanting to change the brutality of it all. You are a hero…
Peace,
Lil
I hope your story is read by everyone. You are so brave. I am sorry that happened to you. I am thankful you had the courage to write it down and share it. We need more brave men like you to come out and break their own silence.
I’m so glad you found the courage to speak about this, because I can only imagine how haunted you must have felt keeping this all to yourself so long.
I hope this post and your book will spread the word and the feeling that keeping something like this to yourself only prolongs or even deepens the pain, and letting it out lightens your load and allows you to move on.
This monster’s ghost will soon fade to a shadow of its former self, and it will loosen its hold on you no matter where your mind drifts in the future.
I wish you luck in this bright, new chapter of your life.
Thank you for sharing your story. So many men in our society are or have been victims of abuse, but there is an even bigger stigma, and even fewer support services available, for those who do come forward.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you can find some “comfort, peace and hope”, too.
*appaulding* Wow. Wow. Wow.
Your story, as horrific as it is, is a very important read for many, many people. Thank you so much for your bravery. Thank you for sharing your story!
Some motherfucker tried to get me into his car when I was about 10 one evening about dusk as I was walking our dog. I’ll never forget what that car looked like or how happy I was that the random house whose door I started frantically pounding after running from the parked car actually had a resident who was willing to open the door and drive me home. I’m sorry you didn’t get away.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and allowing us to benefit from your courage and bravery. I glad you survived to tell the tale and help others.
Oh, Keith…I’m so so sorry. I hope that writing about it and posting it here will help ease your mental anguish. I hope that you will consider seeing someone, it might help you to get rid of the nightmares.
You’re so brave to share your story here, thank you.
Listening…always listening.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope right along side of you that it brings comfort, peace and hope to others who have suffered. Your story is truly inspiring, to live in silence for so many years and finally find your voice.
I’m so sorry for what happened to you.
You do a great and very courageous thing by sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think that all too often, male sexual violence goes under the radar. It is not spoken of very often. Thank you for having the courage to speak…you never know who you are giving courage.
As the mother of a little boy, I cannot thank you enough for speaking out, Keith. Violence and sexual crimes against boys and men are a real problem, and there seem to be so few people willing to talk about it; likely due to shame, stigma, so many signals our society can send to keep quiet. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to put this horrific experience and its aftermath in print, but I think of what a difference it can make for others, and I feel so awed and grateful to you.
You are a survivor. Thank you again, and I wish for continued peace and healing for you.
thank you for being so brave, even though you might not feel like you are.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
It breaks my heart that you had to go through this, that anyone would have ts suffer like you have. You are very brave to tell your story and I hope it helps you to exorcise more of that son of a bitch from your memory.
I will not insult you by saying anything trite. Thank you for sharing your story. You never know how it effects others.
May God bless you and keep you strong.
I’m so sorry for what happened to you, it is absolutely horrible. I think it is amazingly brave of you to come out with your story. I know that every time someone like you shares a story like this, it helps a countless number of people in so many ways. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about what happened to you.
thank you for speaking up, for ending the silence in your life. i hope that it brings you some of the peace you so much deserve.
I hope the telling of your story will set you free. I can’t imagine keeping all those horrors inside for so long. Blessings to you for speaking out.
Eaton.
Keith, I so admire you. This is a HUGE first step in your healing. I say this because years ago I was a rape victim in my own home. I was one of the lucky ones. I was able to grab a lamp and finally run this guy out of my house. The police later told me this guy had been attacking and horribly beating his victims before me in my neighborhood.
I will tell you what I learned in my rape counseling which helped me. My counselor told me to make myself the victor, not the victim. You were, you survived and he never got to you again. Pick something to remind you about this. You might even ask for a picture of this man after he was murdered to reinforce he is gone, forever.
When you wake up with this fear, stop and make yourself remember you survived and were that victor. Close your eyes and see this in your mind immediately. In my case, I would remember the look on this rapist’s face as I was about to hit him with the lamp. Also, remind those near you to always call your name (especially when asleep) before approaching you so as not to alarm you.
God bless you and your healing. You are an amazing guy to have gone through this and survived! I’m glad your rapist is caught and dead, mine was never caught unfortunately.
If you did not go through counseling, please do this to help yourself. Talking about the experience with others is definitely essential to the facing of the situation and the healing process. You have made a huge step here.
you are a survivor, breaking the silence helps. Thanks for sharing your story when you think of violence you don’t think of it happening to men but it does and you are making people aware I commend you for your bravery.
I am so sorry you had to endure all of that
I don’t even know what to say…speechless. Thanks for your courage to share your story.
I want to thank all of you for your thoughtful comments. Your kind words of support, caring and encouragement show that by sharing my story, I not only help myself, but countless others. My novel, Men in My Town, has been released and is available now at Amazon.com. For insight into the storyline, please visit the Men in My Town blog at http://www.MenInMyTown.Wordpress.com
Thank you,
Keith Smith
Thank you for sharing your story and raising awareness that sexual abuse ALSO happens to men! Sadly there aren’t enough programs for male abuse victims, something I hope changes soon, as it is a vicious cycle. I pray that speaking out helps you in your path to healing.
Keith your story is amazing and truly an inspiration to others who have endured similar pain and secrets. Your strength and courage to speak out is truly admiral and I am sure will help many in similar situations. I commend you for your milestone and a book that I am sure will be a true inspiration to many
Keith your story is amazing and truly an inspiration to others who have endured similar pain and secrets. Your strength and courage to speak out is truly admirable and I am sure will help many in similar situations. I commend you for your milestone and a book that I am sure will be a true inspiration to many
How very brave of you to share your story. So many times society forgets that anyone …any gender…can be a victim of sexual assault, and domestic violence..also child abuse…
Your words are not only a reminder, but also show that anyone can be a survivor!
I don’t know if I would be able to read your entire story because I could barely breathe through the tears reading this small aspect of it.
I will buy your book when it’s available, though, to support you in your incredible journey!! I’ll put it on a shelf until a time in my life when I have healed enough to read your words without dragging out my own memories.
You are to be commended on your incredible bravery!
By sharing this story, you’ve brought some comfort, peace and hope to my life indeed!
Only as sick as our secrets…how many people will YOU help by telling your story?
Way to go.
Your bravery is inspiring. Thank you for telling your story here.
March 09 Edition: Issues of Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse…
Welcome to the March 31, 2009 edition of recovery from childhood sexual abuse.This edition was dedicated to exploring issues of male survivors of sexual abuse have to deal with. It was intriguing for me to notice the gender divide when……
I’m so glad I found this. I hope to God that my husband can stand up someday and acknowledge what happened to him, without shame. He says it’s different when you’re a boy. Being a woman myself, and never having suffered abuse, I wouldn’t know; but I believe him. I wish there was something I could do to remove the pain from his soul, but I can’t. I just try to wake him up from the nightmares, and keep an understanding heart when he gives in to his addictions. But it hurts me to see him cowering under guilt and shame that he doesn’t deserve. And no matter how much I try to remove that, it’s been too hammered into him.
He was first molested – assaulted, really, since it was violent – when he was younger than 4, and raped at 6 or 7. He told his mother when he was 8. She blamed him for the fact that they lost the court case; he wasn’t convincing enough on the stand. When the filthy turd sued them for slander and won, to the tune of $100,000, that was his fault too. Everything that hasn’t gone right with his family is his fault. Plus she told EVERYONE what happened to him.
He tells me not to hate her, says I owe him that; but some days I just can’t help it. Especially when his refusal to believe that she was abusive prevents him from getting the help he needs for his addictions. I hope to God that changes soon.
(If you should happen to visit my blog, don’t mention that he was raped. Family members read it who don’t know that, and I want to respect his privacy. They know he was abused but not the details.)
I HOPE these Soul Murders spend their sentences in General Population in prison. That would be poetic justice … hopefully.
WHAT can be done to change the revolving door justice that we now have? WE KNOW they will repeat! What will it take?
I was raped for years by my ex. After the divorce I decided to do this. Took some candles, a nice warm bath with a bit of clorox in it, and somehow I felt cleansed. It seemed to be a ritual that helped me! (Not sure if that is dangerous, but helped my soul and mind.)
Hi Keith,
I read about your new book in the PC alumni booklet. I am a fellow PC graduate, class of 1996. I too am a victim of a brutal ambush, attack and rape at the hands of a complete stranger when I was just 16 years old. For the last year or so I have started my own webpage to raise awareness of the issue of sexual abuse of our children. I am currently fighting to have the legislation updated in the state of MA. I have testified in front of the Judiciary Committte in order to pass legislation, House Bill 1523, which would abolish the statute of limitations for reporting the crime of rape of minors. You are such an inspiration and I understand it all. I am proud of you and if you have a moment, please visit my personal webpage, http://www.voicebychoice.org. I applaud you for shining such a bright light on this issue. We will succeed, we have already proven to be true survivors.
You sir, have some serious guts, and I tip my hat to you. I admire your bravery to tell your story. I’m glad that you decided to let the shame be that of your attacker. God bless and heal your heart!
I applaud your strength! Reading this for the first time today, and hope to check out your book soon.
Maggie’s words today brought me here, to yours. I salute the strength, the spirit and the courage that has brought you so very, very far. Thank you. For sharing your story, for being a link in the chain of all that is Good.
Thank you so much for telling the truth Keith!
Brave….abso-freaking-lutely brave.
Wow! Very courageous of you. I hope that you are well-surrounded by love and understanding. Those of us who have survived need people like that around us. I congratulate you in your bravery and coming forth. Thank you.