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A husband’s story: I know this isn’t a story of abuse from a firsthand account so I don’t know if I am wasting t... http://bit.ly/lG7OW0

I have no advice. I can only say thank you for this perspective. I've never considered how an abuser's reach can doesn't just extend to one person.

Sometimes I think it's even worse to have someone you love be the one hurt. I can forget and to a certain extent forgive my own abuser. But dammit if I'll ever ever forget or forgive the asshole who abused my mother. She says she's over it. I know it did irreparable damage that lives itself out to this day in her mental illness. Maybe forgiveness comes easier to her. Maybe she's lying. But I know I can't forgive my grandfather for what he did. Even though he's dead and gone now.

I know how you feel. My friend wants to forget it all, to pretend it never happened. I'm hurting for her.

All I can say is, be there for your wife. If she wants to talk, fine. If not, fine. Just love her, and be there for her.

Wow. What a great reminder of the network of victims/survivors created by abuse. Remain patient and loving. It's not about you. Your greatest challenge is in not making it about you and your feelings. I'm praying for healing and forgiveness.

Your story goes to show that abuse IS everyone's problem. The acts of these perpetrators affect not only their direct victims but the lives of those who love them.

You are a caring and protective husband - evidenced by the way your wife's experiences have affected you. My advice would be to let her know that the information she has shared with you has affected you. It's only fair to her to let her know how angry it makes you.

Rather than dredging up bad memories, I believe it will help her to know that you love her, regardless of this terrible things that happened to her. If she didn't want you to be involved with this issue with her, she wouldn't have mentioned it to you in the first place.

Assure her that you are there for her with a non-judgmental and understanding heart when and if she wants to talk about it. We survivors tend to be very guarded about our abuse and good at "looking fine' on the outside. Leave a door open for her to broach the subject with you if she wants.

Then take care of yourself. Like any victim, you need an outlet for your rage. The anger you're feeling is a normal part of being a victim - but it's only one component and it can be dealt with and moved through. Please take steps to help your mind and body release those negative feelings - lest they end up hurting you themselves. Then, when she's ready to talk, you'll be stronger and even more able to help her.

Your wife has had a lot more time to move through her stages of dealing with this. Once you're closer to being on the same page as her, it will be easier to talk about together.

Best wishes for your healing.

I am a domestic violence (DV) victor (survivor) and a licensed clinical psychologist. One of my next projects is a book entitled “Dating after DV.” While talking about the project with my absolutely wonderful second husband he said that he wants to contribute a chapter for men like you and him that have been traumatized by our abuse.

The majority of my patients are trauma survivors. Some of my patients are the significant others of those who have been abused. I suggest that you try working through your feelings in therapy. I also suggest a self-help book that I often use with my patients “Trust after Trauma,” by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D. (http://www.alibris.com/search/books/qwork/10865339/used/Trust%20After%20Trauma) Unlike many other self-help trauma books this one has a chapter just for significant others. The chapter entitled “To those who care” provides understanding as well as very good suggestions.

The hatred you are harboring for the abuser is only destroying you. I wish you the best of luck in finding forgiveness so that you can truly enjoy your second marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Dr. Adwoa Akhu
http://Drakhu.com/
DV Blog - http://drakhu.com/domesticviolence/

I know exactly how you feel. My husband has a similar issue and his abuser was a family member who I have over my house during holidays and celebrations and it makes me sick. I know he was the victim and it is up to him to decide how to handle the situation but I can't help the hate in my heart for this person. I want her to know how much she hurt not only him but our entire marriage. I always tell myself that if he dies before me I will confront this person if for no other reason than to say .. Shame on you. I really feel deep down that someone should.

Listen closely she will direct you to what she needs. Nobody expresses exactly what they need out of fear of rejection and criticism. Show that you respect her need to heal in her own time and at her own pace. Actions really do speak louder than words so counseling for yourself, an I love you, a supportive hug and an ear to listen are key.
Lectures and suggestions and angry storm offs will only push her further away. Please never tell her to get over it or move past it. It is part of her.
Thank you for loving her for who she is. Remember it took her years to get to the point she is at now and it will take you time as well.

Not everyone processes abuse and grief in the same way. And unfortunately, you can't dictate what the right way is for someone else. Some people can and do close off parts of the past in order to live in the now. It's not always damaging. In the end, you can't make things unhappen. There is no way to "make it right".

And it's okay. What your job is now is to be her safe space. Instead of focusing on what you can't change, focus on what you can.

I think one of the best things you can do is to listen, and reaffirm even when you are arguing (as all couples do occasionally) that feeling angry does not mean you are going to leave, and that feeling angry does not mean you want to hurt her.

Watch for signs that she might be falling into a negative or abusive pattern. Be aware that she is likely to respond very strongly to some things and some types of changes and be patient and offer support. Some people can articulate what they need or can talk through it. But you have to let her drive on this to a large extent... you can't control someone else's process.

I told my wife about the sexual abuse from my childhood early on in our relationship. I felt that it was important for her to know before she became deeply involved with me, certainly before we had kids. I’m not certain how she handled it internally when I finally hit the point in my life where I started to deal with the pain, the humiliation, the shame, and the anger I held against my abuser and against my parents for three plus decades after the abuse occurred. On the outside she was 100% supportive and understanding; although, she did admit that before I really began to deal with my past she could not comprehend how I was so casual about it. What can I say? There are a thousand ways to avoid pain. Mine was humor. I can say with absolute certainty that if she had pushed me in any one direction concerning my recovery I would have pushed back hard. Recovery is tricky. It’s very personal. It’s slow. It is like peeling an onion, slowly revealing layer upon layer until the core is reached. It cannot be rushed. I strongly recommend that you find a good Christian counselor and get help for the only person you can change in this situation: You. Try to be as supportive of your wife as you can be without placing undo pressure on her recovery. God has a plan for both of you. Take the time to listen and find out what that plan is.

As someone who has grown up in the abusive home, it's my gut instinct to get her to talk - because I know from personal experience what cost not talking can bring. But as a person listening to your feelings, I have to suggest that you get help for you. Check out resources or ask your therapist to recommend one, for supporters of abuse victims. I'm sure there are online support groups, as well.

And, I know she wants it to stay in the past, but because it's a part of your present, I think it's important that your wife knows, fully, the extent of your grief, anger, worries, etc. If she knows that they not only come from a place of love, but also that this is truly effecting you... you never know, it might be a catalyst for healing. For both of you.

RT @maggiedammit: RT @VUnSilenced: Today on Violence UnSilenced, a husband feels helpless: http://t.co/zR8SsrH

RT @VUnSilenced: Today on Violence UnSilenced, a husband feels helpless: http://t.co/zR8SsrH

RT @VUnSilenced: Today on Violence UnSilenced, a husband feels helpless: http://violenceunsilenced.com/a-husbands-story/

RT @VUnSilenced: Today on Violence UnSilenced, a husband feels helpless: http://violenceunsilenced.com/a-husbands-story/

First, I must commend you. Showing your wife such love and support is, in my opinion, the single most wonderful thing you can do.

As a Christian myself, I've been in situations where someone was holding me hostage, as you feel your wife's step-father is doing to you. It wasn't until recently I finally discovered that often, we as imperfect humans, are unable to forgive. It's at those times that we have to rely fully on God and let His unconditional love and forgiveness flow through us and then outward from us. The book that led me to this was "The Hiding Place" by Corrie ten Boom. This is a true story, a biography. Corrie is faced with having to forgive the former SS soldier responsible for her and her family's time in a concentration camp as well as the death of her sister. You're aware of the bondage you have on yourself due to not being able to forgive. Read this book, ask others to pray for you, and I to will be praying.

That said, I would also recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage. I've found that those who care the most about me often tend to enable me to continue in negative patterns. They don't mean to, and don't realize they are, but often what they perceive as "support" is really enabling. I think that Boundaries in Marriage gives a good christian perspective on support versus enabling.

Your in our prayers. May God bless your marriage.

RT @VUnSilenced: Today on Violence UnSilenced, a husband feels helpless: http://violenceunsilenced.com/a-husbands-story/

heartbreaking for both. RT @VUnSilenced: Today on Violence UnSilenced, a husband feels helpless: http://bit.ly/kZyBbL

RT @VUnSilenced: Today on Violence UnSilenced, a husband feels helpless: http://violenceunsilenced.com/a-husbands-story/

Today on Violence UnSilenced, a husband feels helpless: http://violenceunsilenced.com/a-husbands-story/

A husband’s story: I know this isn’t a story of abuse from a firsthand account so I don’t know if I am wasting t... http://bit.ly/lG7OW0

I second Jan's suggestion. Someone gave me one of Melody Beattie's books to read and it was very helpful.

I'm married to someone who has a different issue (military-action related PTSD) but this really resonates with me.

There's no way that such a formative experience for one person doesn't affect the relationship and, by extension, both people in it. You have every right to have your own feelings and reactions.

What I had to learn to do was detach from it. I had to let his stuff be his stuff, while recognizing that I had my own stuff. No, I wasn't in a war zone, but I lived with someone who had random breaks from reality while trying to raise two children under two and hold a full-time job. I had to cope with the fact that my partner in life was sometimes suddenly, inexplicably, unpredictably Not Himself. But I did not have to join him in his scary place. I could choose to do what I needed to do to feel safe -- distance myself from him, be angry, walk away. I had to detach from it because IT, in and of itself, was not (is not) My Stuff.

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I'd recommend, also, reading about CoDependency (Melody Beattie is the originator of this term, and has some good books) and maybe trying out CoDA, a 12-step program a la AA, with a focus on learning to let go of the need for control, especially in relationships.

I know how you feel. I met my husband when I was 12 and he was 14, and one of the first things I learned about him was that he had been sexually abused. His mother has never once cared whether her constant harping on this hurts him or not. That was 19 years ago this summer. We have been married 9 years and have two kids, and another on the way; and I still struggle with that. Especially since I got old enough, and he got comfortable enough talking to me, to actually start comprehending the horrific and extensive nature of the abuse that his mom's description of "molested" covered. All she ever focused on was how much damage she feels the whole situation did to her.

It has taken me a long time to stop thinking obsessively about his abuser, who still walks around free after two court cases, and unbelievably, won a lawsuit against the family for slander. He had wealth and friends with clout. I quit a job when I found out he owned a house in the same neighborhood, because every time I drove by the rage was too much. I was afraid I would do something stupid. Now my anger has turned more towards my mother-in-law, as I have come to realize how much she contributed to the psychological effects by her ongoing reaction to the situation. And since she was physically abusive not only to her own children, but to my younger siblings as well, she makes an easy target. But lately it's beginning to bother me that I have to have someone to focus this rage on. It isn't healthy for me. And knowing how justified it is makes it that much harder to let go of.

I have had several people tell me that I need to leave him for my own good. And there have been times when the pressure was so unbearable that I would have, if not for the kids. I have had to acknowledge that he may never really be normal, or healthy; and I'm still working on accepting that. He has never been abusive. It's like living with someone who is mentally ill 10% of the time, and you never know when that time will be. The sickness affects us all and keeps me constantly on edge and unable to relax. I figure my options are (1) Find a way to relax somehow and not care so much, (2) Keep plugging away and hope I don't go completely insane, or (3) Remove myself from the situation. The first one seems so impossible, and the other two seem so unbearable. He doesn't have anyone but me. I just can't carry this alone.

I hope the best for you. I just want you to know you aren't alone. Above all, you have to remember that you can't heal someone else's life. You can encourage them to seek healing, but they have to be the ones to do it in the end. If they can't take that step, sooner or later you have to either leave or accept them the way they are.

You have every right to be angry. There are phases that a survivor goes through. One of them is blocking the feelings you have towards the offender. For me, it was as far as saying I had forgiven him. I hadn't. I still haven't. I may not. But I needed to believe that I had for a while. The best thing you can do for her is to be patient. These things have to unfold at their own pace. She may need to tell you more about it as time goes on. She may also just need to put it in its own box in her head and shove it away sometimes. It will always be there. If she's anything like me, she will pull that box out and deal with this little piece and that little piece from time to time. Hitting the point where you actually accept the anger at someone that hurt you is scary. For me, that's when I have to put the mental box away again. And you will have legitimate pieces you need to deal with too. Promise to work together and be there for each other.
I'm so glad you are talking to a therapist.

I too am a victim of sexual abuse from a step father. I like your wife out it in the past and didn't let it bother me. In fact I thought people that talked about it,, just needed to get over it and move on. I am now turning 40, was married and two kids by 21. Divorced, and met the man of my dreams about five years ago. Well he brought out a lot of hidden feeling I have been hiding for many years. I have told him everything and he has been nothing but supportive. My suggestion to you....I would let her deal with things on her own term, be there and be supportive. She more then likely has some underlying issues as well. Just let her know you are there for her and support her. I won't push the issue. Keep your eyes open to changes. Good luck, you sound like a good man! Mrs C

of course you are angry about your wife's abuse. you have every right to be angry, crushed, infuriated, destroyed and anything else that you will feel now and in the days to come.

you were made a victim once you learned of your wife's abuse... you were made a secondary victim. and and all people who are affected by what happened to your wife, any and all loved ones who learn of her abuse like you did, are secondary victims.

for that, i am truly sorry.

speaking as one who also married my high school sweetheart, who stayed with me and supported me for the last 10 years since i was raped, i can assure you that it will get better... but i urge you to not keep this "silent stress" (as you refer to it) silent any longer.

predators feed on the silence of their victims, both primary and secondary victims.

what happened to your wife cannot be changed. what can be changed is the way in which you take back your power and encourage her to take back her own in her survivorship.

i wish you peace.