About the post that disappeared (and reappeared again.)
Yesterday I posted the transcript of the Chris Brown and Rihanna affidavit, and about fifteen of you had the chance to comment before I pulled it. I wasn’t going to explain what happened, but I’ve decided this is a good time to touch on my thoughts regarding our responsibility as readers of this site, and why this blog is probably a bit different than the others. Bear with me a moment.
Let me first say that no one did or said anything wrong. I love a good healthy debate as much as the next person and I believe that well-argued disagreements are one of the only ways I truly learn and/or change my stance on issues. That said, this just isn’t the place.
I take full responsibility for setting the tone of yesterday’s post. I had just discovered the affidavit and I was shocked, hurt, and angry. I came straight to this site thinking I had a mandate to speak on this case simply because of its subject matter, and I forgot for a minute just what it is I’m doing here. I post survivor stories, and the occasional bit of housekeeping. With that post I veered way off topic.
There are so many websites and resources out there better equipped to deal with domestic violence, better at making you understand what you don’t, better at assisting those who so badly need it. As I’ve said on the “About” page, I am not that person. This is not that place. I know a thing or two about writing and the blogging community, and that is what I am focused on here. I am bringing you the stories of your peers with the sole intention of enlightening you. My mission is to harness the power of words and the power of the blogosphere and most of all, to create a safe environment, one free from judgment.
Victims of abuse do not need your judgment. They need your ear. As for concrete help, yes, they need that, too, but not from us. We are here to listen and support.
The traffic this site gets is much higher than the comments indicate. Many of you have told me you read these stories and you are struck speechless, or you don’t want to keep saying the same things over and over again inside the comment box. Please, consider this: If this were my personal blog then yes, it would be weird if you left the exact same comment all the time. But for each of these survivors, their one post is everything. Everything. They will continue to check it, they will circulate it among friends and family, they will link to it now and in the future. They need to know you are listening to them. That their bravery has not been for nothing.
Comment moderation is on because I feel a personal responsibility to the people who have been brave and generous enough to share their stories here. I’m against censorship, but I want to be a shield. Again, this is not a personal blog.
But please, don’t let that stop you from lending your support, even if it feels as small as, “Thank you for speaking out.” Believe me, it won’t feel small to them.
You know how when you’ve got a friend, and that friend tells you you’re not fat, and then some stranger walks by and you think the stranger looks fine but your friend goes, “Wow, what a fatso!” and you’re all, “Dang, I didn’t think that lady was fat, and if my friend thinks she’s fat she probably deep down thinks I’m fat, too.” You know? I got worried that the Chris Brown/Rihanna post invited judgment, even in the kind, subtle way, because she’s a stranger and a celebrity and we feel free to say whatever we want about her. I pulled yesterday’s post because I worried that there would be survivors that saw those comments and internalized them; that were scared off from posting here, or leaving their abusers, or contacting me.
I will not be able to live with myself if I hurt anyone with this site, inadvertently or not.
It’s a fine, fine line you and I are walking here. Above all else my ultimate intention is to create a safe and nurturing environment for my fellow bloggers who are willing to share their excruciatingly personal and painful stories here. That’s all.
So.
Thank you for being here because, believe me, it means everything to someone. Do you know that? The fact that you are here reading and supporting means everything to a whole lot of someone’s out there, whether they speak up or not.
***
I’m putting yesterday’s post back up because I want the world to know the truth about what happened in that car between Chris Brown and Rihanna. However, comments are closed.
Please read what our survivor, Jodi, had to say over at Mamapop about Chris Brown and Rihanna.
Also read what Sam (our generous web designer) had to say on Canada Moms Blog.
19 Responses to “About the post that disappeared (and reappeared again.)”
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Thanks, Maggie. You have a boundless and generous heart.
Thank you for the insight on the comments. I really hadn’t thought of it that way. I felt like saying the same “Thank you for sharing” each time made me look ridiculous, so I kept reading, but stopped commenting. I won’t make that mistake again.
Thank you, Maggie, for everything you’re doing!!
I understand your POV and change of heart. I also understand the anger people feel, and what may be called judgments. It’s a tough call. I think the best that can be done is to just keep spreading the word.
It’s so easy to judge, but when you do you hold your hands around a person’s neck and squeeze.
When I was being abused, and living through it, the ONE thing there was plenty of was judgment. I got it heaped on me everywhere I turned. And believe me, none could compare with what I was heaping on myself. Nothing anyone said could make me hate myself any more than I already did.
And when I finally got the courage to leave, I ran to the ONE person that didn’t judge me. She said nothing. She opened her arms, loved me anyway and let me heal. And that few weeks has made more of an impact in my life than any other lesson. Not judging someone frees them to act.
I wondered where that post went. It seemed to disappear as I was reading it.
Your point about each contributor having everything staked on one post is right on. There is a common theme in all of them, and a common theme in the response to all of them as well. And if the same person were reading the comments every time they’d begin to sound trite and hackneyed.
But the same person isn’t reading them every time. Yes, there are those who read and comment faithfully and they may see the sameness in them. But the most important reader of those comments is the contributor that submitted the story in the first place. And this is someone who may or may not have read the comments on every other post — hell any other post.
But let me just take a moment to commend your sense of purpose and your focus. It’s so easy to get so immersed in something like this that the filters break down and suddenly everything that seems even remotely relevant becomes blog fodder. And when you’re trying to fan the spark that your efforts have started, the temptation to throw everything on the fire has to be pretty consuming.
But I’m pretty confident that the courageous survivors who provide the bulk of the material here appreciate that their stories are heard in an environment relatively free of the “noise” of the intertubez. In here there is a sanctuary from the overall cacophony where they can be heard.
And then there are those who come here to hear them. Here’s hoping that the quiet ones will find their voices and comment so that the ones bold enough to speak up will know that their testimony has been heard.
From what I can tell Maggie, you’re doing it right. More than right. Near perfectly.
I guess I missed the debate that ensued.
In any case, this is a sensitive topic and I hope that everyone remembers that. In some cases, those who have shared are posting on something long past. For others, they’ve not even left the abuse yet.
It’s important to point out the support the comments section provide. I try to make a point of posting to every one, even at the risk of repeating myself. Saying similar words to diffeent posters doesn’t make them mean any less.
I’ve had to pipe in a few times on other blogs to remind people that Rihanna has done nothing wrong. People are disappointed that she’s gone back, but clearly they are forgetting the cycle of violence and that victims needs support, not judgment.
Anyway, I appreciate this open space for survivors to speak. Thanks for providing it!
Glad I stopped by to read this post maggie, Thank you for clearing up any
misunderstandings we may have had about comments being important. I agree wholeheartedly with your reasoning for not making judgments in anyway. Regards,
Eaton
feeling responsible here… i don’t often fill in the words that float in my head, i’ve asperger’s, and i presume everyone knows what i am thinking in between the words.
i stated she went back, i should have included “as we all do”.
i still desire her to be strong enough to go, and for him to rot in prison… i speak as a survivor, not as some random poster (as you well know)
I wondered what happened to that post. It seemed like an important example to share – I had no idea that’s what happened to Rhianna. But I understand why it was pulled now, and the urge to do so. Thanks for reposting, with the explanation.
you’re the rockstar, maggie!
Thank you for the link to the mamapop post. I’m very proud of that post, especially since it was written on 8 minutes of sleep after my 3 year old had been hurt (not abused, freak accident) at school.
I wish we could get her to read this blog, Maggie. I wish she knew that people like you are out there; that the survivor stories are real and inspiring.
And thanks for mentioning that leaving the same comment over and over is ok. I was starting feel like it seemed insincere, but I’m glad it’s not that way.
This was beautifully written. And truer than anything I have read in a long time.
I support your thinking on this.
Thank you for reposting it and for posting this. I think it’s really important to share it (in fact i’ll be sharing it later this week too) because people see the stories and blow it off, but if they could read the report, it’s truly terrifying. Thanks for just everything – this web site is amazing.
Thank you for the link to my post Maggie.
For the record, as you know, I strongly believe in what you’re doing here and I stand behind each and every decision you make.
Posting the affidavit was a good thing to help people realize that violence can effect everyone regardless of your fame, fortune or family unbringing. Having money or power does not make someone less susceptible or scared.
I pray she finds the strength she needs to free herself of this situation – the same prayer I have for all of those who are in such a situation.
xox
My post is up at Deep South Moms on this topic. http://svmomblog.typepad.com/deep_south_moms/2009/03/nickelodeon-thinks-using-your-fists-makes-you-cool-rtp.html
Ilina
Maggie,
This whole site is incredible and powerful. You really are an amazing advocate for those who have lost their voice by empowering them to use it again.
Thank you for your comments here about the Chris Brown/Rhianna case. I appreciate what you had to say and the boundaries you have created here.
The Chris Brown/Rhianna case has frightened me so much because of the very public way that Rhianna’s choices have been criticized, questioned, and even ridiculed in the blogosphere as well as in traditional media outlets. I agree with you that other victims may hear and internalize those messages and thus feel even further isolated. I would add that abusers count on it and even use those public statements to their advantage. That’s why abusers continue to have so much power — because, we, as a society, still haven’t reframed the question from “Why doesn’t she just leave?” to “Why did he do that?” Unwittingly, we give abusers ammunition when we question victims’ choices because we reinforce every message the abusers have ever given their victims about the violence being the victims’ fault.
Thank you again, Maggie, for this incredible gift to victims and survivors. As a survivor myself, I can’t even express how much this means to me.