Aerin
The summer I met my first husband, right after high school graduation, was perfect and seemed to last forever. He was sweet and charming… the perfect guy. When summer ended, I left for college and he joined the Navy. Letters and poems filled my mailbox, sometimes two or three a day. What seemed sweet and sentimental at the time now seems obsessive and creepy as I look back. We married the following year and I transferred to a college near his military base.
I don’t remember how or when the really awful stuff started. It seemed he was in my face, insulting me constantly. Nothing about me was good enough and he found a way to blame me for everything. Within the first six months of marriage he threatened to kill me, and I knew he meant it. My life flashed before my eyes as he forced me to beg. At only 19, it wasn’t the life I had lived that I saw, but a future with children and happy times. I screamed and begged for a chance at that life, until my voice was so strained I could no longer make a sound.
He was obsessed with sex. “You make it such a game,” he would scream if I dared to say no. “You’re such a bitch.” He would argue and insult me until I broke down and gave in. “I’m just going to lay here and cry while you do whatever it is you want to do,” I would say. He was fine with that, with doing whatever he wanted as I lay still, tears silently rolling down my cheeks. “That’s all you’re good for anyway,” he would say as he turned his back when he was finished. On the nights I didn’t give in, he did it anyway. “I own you,” he would say. “It’s my body, not yours.” He did whatever someone who owned your body and was stronger than you might do. It seemed constant. I was so young and confused. Is it abuse if there are no bruises or broken bones? Is it rape if it’s your husband… or am I stealing words that don’t belong to me? Was this my fault? I wasn’t sure.
I lived like that for two and a half years. One night, he yanked me off the couch by my leg and dragged me toward the bedroom. I grabbed at everything I could get my hands on as I fought to kick free, but he was stronger and he raped me as I cried and begged. What I remember most about this incident is his laughter. There is something sick about someone finding humor in and receiving pleasure from your pain. It wasn’t that this time was physically so different or worse than the many times before, yet it was different because there was no denying he knew what he was doing. The maybe he didn’t understand I really meant no excuse wasn’t working this time. “Why would you do that to me?” I cried. “Because it’s all you’re fucking good for. Why would I not?” he said in a voice that was pure evil. I lay there naked, cold and alone, knowing I was going to have to find the strength to leave.
I confided in my two closest friends, and although they both agreed I should leave, they each said pretty much the same thing. “At least it was someone you know. Imagine how horrible that would be if it were a stranger!” They didn’t understand. He hurt me more deeply than I thought possible, and I have never found comfort in knowing it was someone I once loved and trusted who did those things to me. My soul was crushed and my heart ripped from my chest. There are times I wish it had been a stranger… a one-time thing in a dark alley somewhere. At least then I could talk about it without being told it was less than what it was… that I should be okay because at least it was someone I loved.
We separated a few months later and I quickly moved on, pretending the past hadn’t happened. I married a wonderful, kind, caring man and had three beautiful children. Life was calm and good. I went so far out of my way to hide the past that most people today don’t know I had a previous marriage. I have had problems with intimacy and trust, but thought I managed it pretty well over the years.
Fifteen years passed and I started having problems with anger. I decided I wanted to see him. I wanted an apology, some sort of acknowledgment of what he had done. Pretending it hadn’t happened had been hard, even if I didn’t want to admit it. I suppose I also wanted to see how horrible his life was turning out. The belief that he was somehow being punished was what had gotten me through the years. Certainly God was punishing him in some way. You can’t just step in and ruin someone’s life, strip them of all self-esteem and self worth, and then go on as if nothing happened.
We decided to meet for dinner. I slid into the seat across from him, looked into his deep brown eyes and suddenly I was 19 again. It was as if no time had passed. He did apologize, although not for anything specific, as he claimed he couldn’t remember the past. “God has spared me the memories,” he said through teary eyes (turns out he was lying… afraid I was going to call the police). He had been prescribed medication for bipolar disorder and seemed to be doing well. So at this point I’m thinking, not only has God not punished him for the things he had done, but he has also spared him of any painful memories. I had been wrong… not even God cares about what happened to me. It turns out you can do really horrible things and then go on as if nothing happened. I cried as I told him what I remembered and he said he was shocked to see that I was still upset enough to cry about it 15 years later. “Why didn’t you tell someone?” he asked. “Maybe I would have gotten medication sooner. I loved you and you left me when I was sick and needed you.” The sadness I held in for so many years washed over me and suddenly I was drowning. It was my fault, I thought. He was sick, he was my husband, and I abandoned him. I am still amazed at how quickly things can spin out of control. Fifteen minutes after walking into that restaurant my life was in ruins… again.
The emails started soon after and I was slipping deeper and deeper into depression. We started seeing each other and suddenly, in some crazy attempt to prove that I am worth more than sex… that I am lovable… that I do not deserve to be raped, I was having an affair with someone who sexually abused and raped me. Looking back, that makes absolutely no logical sense, but it did emotionally. It felt awesome to hear him say I love you. I was erasing the past… making it untrue. The need to hear him say I love you was desperate… the only thing that made me feel better.
It wasn’t long before he started with the blame again, “I never did it to anyone else, so doesn’t that mean it had to be at least partly your fault?” Does that make it my fault? I wasn’t sure anymore. My husband, who was furious about the affair, put his feelings and anger aside one evening to have a conversation with me. “You are having an affair with someone who raped you and that’s not okay,” he said. “I know you don’t believe anyone loves you, but I do love you and I’m still gonna be here when you figure this out.” You would think I would have thrown my arms around him in relief, but instead I rolled my eyes. Whatever, I thought. It’s just a matter of time before he figures out what the rest of the world realized long ago… that I am unlovable and deserve to be abused. As confused as I was, I did have the sense to stay with my husband.
A few years have passed and for the most part I am doing great. There are days I want to lay down and give up, admitting he was right… I am worthless. I still force myself out of bed on those days, and drag myself toward the light at the end of the tunnel. Even after all these years, I still can’t sleep with my husband’s back to me without having nightmares. I have a difficult time trusting people and keep them at a distance for fear they will find that unlovable part of me, and who knows what will happen. And of course, there’s the realization that I hurt the one person I do trust. That alone can be unbearable at times.
On a brighter note… most days are good days, and on good days I stop pretending it didn’t happen, admit I survived something truly horrible and believe I am one of the strongest people I know. On good days, I allow myself to see that it’s okay to be devastated after being violated so intimately by someone I once loved and trusted. I’m not even sure anymore where the logic is in thinking it would be easier to be raped and sexually abused by someone you love and trust… what is easy about that? You can deal with the past and move on, but you can’t go back and change or erase it. You also can’t expect someone else to fix it. He altered who I am and as much as I wish he could fix it, he can’t. I wish I had dealt with it years ago, maybe sparing myself the second half of the story. I still don’t like to talk about it, but pretending it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t a big deal is too much of a burden. It did happen and it changed my life and who I am forever. Today I can finally say I am thankful for those changes. I have been a rape crisis advocate for several years now, speaking up for those who aren’t strong enough yet. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to help others, using the strength and compassion my past taught me.
A huge thank you to my forever husband… for the best years of my life, for showing me what real love is all about, and for loving me unconditionally even when I don’t make it an easy thing to do.
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Aerin owns Sew Cute by Me Designs, and tweets as @MyLittleDreams7 .
55 Responses to “Aerin”
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It’s so hard to know how and when the effects of abuse and pain and damage will surface far down the road, what shape it will take. You survived something beyond terrible, and you’re re-shaping your life into something good and whole. Thank you for sharing your story here. Brave and strong, you.
Holyhell….choking back tears
Thank you for sharing this…..I think I might be about ready to get something off my chest…..
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Rape is rape, regardless of how well or little you know the perpetrator. And I’m not a psychologist, but the incredibly twisted logic of ‘my behavior is your fault’ seems typical of severe bipolar disorder. I’m glad you found the courage to walk away, twice, and that your husband and family have been a source of unconditional love.
Thank-you for sharing your story. I am glad that you have found the strength to move on.
You do deserve to be loved and never deserve to be abused.
Wow. What an inspiring, heartfelt, difficult, brutal story. You are so brave to speak your truth as you lived it. I am glad that you are doing well and glad that you have the courage to speak not just for yourself, but also for knowing that your story will help others. Be well.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how hard that time was for you. You husband sounds great… you deserve that love.
Aerin, thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope, at this point, that you realize that none of this was your fault. NONE. Thank God you found your forever husband. You deserve his love and you are lucky to have each other. And, yes, he is lucky to have you — don’t doubt that for one minute. Take care of you.
thank you for speaking out. your story will help others, as well as help you continue to heal from this trauma.
i wish you peace.
Aerin,
I’m so sorry for all you have gone through, and that you had no real support during the abusive marriage. Thank you for posting your story, and I’m glad you feel better and are using your painful experience to help others.
Janet
Your story is not an easy one to tell on so many levels. But, you’re not alone, and there are people in this world that need to know that they do deserve to be loved. I hope you heal more every day.
Aerin, I hope that at some point in this story you have visited with a counselor to help you deal with the issues that have arisen in your life. If you have not, I strongly encourage it. I would also like to recommend a book that helped me tremendously when hiding the abuse in my life became unbearable. It is TrueFaced, by Thrall, Lynch, and McNicol. God may not have shown you punishment of your first husband, but He showed you blessings on your life with your second husband. He loves you. You’ve done an excellent job sharing your story here.
You are an amazing person
Aerin-
You are loved. And you always will be. I know how difficult a journey this has been. I am proud of you. Susan
Unfortunately, those who “deserve” the suffering often don’t in this world. However, that does not change the reality that you did not and do not deserve the suffering you have had. And you ARE lovable–your forever husband proves that, even though it needs no proof. You are strong, too, for coming forward with your story. Hold on. You’re worth it.
I understand entirely. I do. Please know how strong you are and how you are loved by so, so many.
It’s hard to understand why we forgive the bad ones for so long — giving them second and third and more chances — before we finally realize they’re no good … and for how long we punish ourselves by seeing ourselves as the one in the wrong.
I’m glad to hear that you found the strength to get away from a bad situation (even if, like a moth to a flame you went back for a while) … and that you found someone who loves you unconditionally while you learn to love yourself unconditionally.
You are much stronger than you know … congratulations. Inspiring story, really.
As if the physical abuse weren’t bad enough, the long term effects of his emotional abuse are horrible. My heart goes out to you for what you have been through and continue to deal with. You are so strong, and so brave to keep fighting, keep moving forward. Thank you for sharing your story here, you are helping others by speaking out.
Oh, and a side not, I LOVE your name. My daughter’s name is spelled similarly – Aeryn – and I very rarely see it spelled that way.
It was not your fault and it most certainly did count. I’m so glad you know that now and have found happiness and learned what real love is. Learning real love after being betrayed by someone you’ve devoted your own love to is one of the hardest things that so many survivors have to do.
Thank you for sharing your story.
This is a brave thing you did. And a wonderful response to all the “why do they go back?” questions.
Thank you.
Isn’t it crazy how 15 years can pass and the pain is still just as deep as it was back then?
*HUGS*
You’ve been through a lot, and you are a stronger woman for it. And god bless your husband for being so amazing. You are a lucky girl!
Oh wow! Thank you for telling your story. That took guts.
You are not worthless or unlovable. You are a treasure.
Aerin,
You are More. You are beautiful, strong and deserving of the unconditional love your life companion surrounds you with. He believes in you- this is a Gift beyond compare. You have found courage, you have found words and Hope. I am so very, very proud to know you- if only in this one conversation.
Always know how much you are loved. Always know that you are not alone.
Ti
Don’t ever think this was your fault, or that you are unlovable, rape is rape no matter who the rapist is.
You are loved and you are strong! Stay so
Thank you for sharing your story…it truly touched me.
Thank you so much for sharing this– So much of your story resonates with me, and what I went through. I can relate to you, on so many levels. I am proud of you– You have been through hell & back, and are still fighting to have the life that you so rightfully deserve. Good for you!
Wow…just wow. We practically have the same name AND the same story. I know how hard and horrible it is to go through that and to live with what happened both physically and emotionally. You are much stronger than I at this point, but you have given me hope that I will get stronger and it will get better. Thank you.
<3
I don’t need to have been through anything like that to be in awe of you, and I am. Amazing.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that hell at home with the man you once loved. There is no excuse for what he did. You deserve safety and happiness. I’m so glad that you’ve found that within yourself and with your forever husband. Thank you for speaking out. You’ve given strength to others who may not have found their own voice yet.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I understand. Mine was at the hands of a “friend” and I totally, totally understand. I hope you continue to have good days, and they eventually outnumber the bad. Thank you for sharing. It gives others lights to steer by. Thank you. Wishing I could send you love. Thank you.
I wanted to say I understand fighting the desire to go back, to rewrite it (which I only realized was what that WAS after years of help), to have someone accept the ugly parts, to beg for the future you want/see/are supposed to have. I understand the begging. I do. I understand the crying. I do. I understand, because the only time my guy said “i love you” was right after “i like those hurt sounds you make”. I understand crying the whole time and someone being ok with that. I do. I share in hopes that you really understand that I really understand, and am here with you. Write me if you need someone.
me
Thank you for sharing this powerful story. I wish you had had someone to support you and get you into therapy. Therapy is an amazing thing and saved my life. It allows me to find my happiness at deeper and deeper levels. I’m so glad you appreciate your now-husband and I’m so glad you found him.
“Unlovable.” That was/is me. Your story has so many parallels with mine. I’m speechless right now. I can only say thank you for your courage in posting this.
Aerin,
I just want you to know that you are a gift in this world. And I believe that deep down, we all want to be loved and cared for. Peace and comfort to you…
Thank you for sharing your story.
You *are* worth loving.
Thank you for sharing your story. No wonder deserves what you’ve been through.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Wow, that is a very powerful story to share and tell. Thank you for telling it. I am glad that your husband stuck by you and stubbornly refused to stop loving you. And your work in rape crisis is quite admirable.
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe much as you do… to me, experiencing what you did at the hands of someone who pledged undying love for you is not easier… to me it’s harder. I’m so happy you found the strength to leave, not just once but twice. And found the ability to look true love in the eyes and see yourself reflected back. (((u)))
always remember, God does not make junk and you are one of his creations. You never deserved the abuse and it was never your fault. I am glad that you have taken your pain and are helping other women in turn. Prayers for peace, healing, and self-love
You are so brave for posting this. It was abuse and it was rape regardless that he was your husband. I’m sorry to say that had you reported him to the authorities with the military, you still might not have gotten the help for you or him. I, too, was married to an abusive military man who raped me. At the time, it had only been a illegal for a year to rape your wife in Louisiana. I went to the hospital, did the rape kit, gave my report to the MP who showed me the military law and consequences for rape (prison or death penalty for military personel) and asked me “are you really sure to want to accuse him of rape?” “Do you want to be responsible for ruining his career?” “Are you sure it wasn’t a misunderstanding?” Nothing ever happened to him even though I had him on tape admitting he raped me. Sometimes it just has to be enough that you know the truth and are living a better life. Enjoy the love you have and know that you deserve this happiness. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
So many things about your post hit home. The laughter….I remember that laughter and the realizations that came with it. The anger issues….I still battle those. Being unable to trust the one man you should trust….that to.
Thank you for sharing your story. Even now, after all this time, I sometimes find comfort in knowing that someone else understands….truly.
Cheers to your current “forever” husband as well.
Aerin,
I’m really impressed by how you walked through these emotions and their impact on your relationships. You rebuilt on so many levels- so difficult, without a tried and true societal roadmap.
That you were able to cleave to the person who did value you, even as you doubted your worthiness of his loyalty. Your husband’s limit setting words- “That’s not OK”- brought tears to my eyes. They sounded like a father, gently setting you on a less tormented path til you could see your own way clear. I know your eyes rolled, but I always do that when someone hits my nerve.:)
I’m so glad that you’re here, sharing your experience, and that you can see the patterns that affected your actions- but don’t define who you are now. Thank you.
I was also raped and abused by my husband, for far too many years. I’m so glad you left as soon as you did, and that you didn’t have children with him. (I did have children with my abusing husband, due to rape.) I think it’s extra painful and traumatic to be abused by someone you love and who is supposed to love you and take care of you. That is very difficult to deal with and heal from.
Though I’m now divorced from my abusive husband, I’ll be dealing with the effects of the sexual and mental and emotional abuse for many years.
You aren’t alone, and I understand a lot of what you’re dealing with. Feel free to email me.
The roads upon which we all travel are varied in their nature, some are more volital than others. It is good to hear that you were able to move forward, and past all that you endured. It is no easy feat to stand up and move forward when you are placed in this position; and it is nice to hear that you were able to, when sadly so many can’t. Hugs to you…
Thank you for sharing your story.
I can’t imagine how hard those years must have been for you. I’m sorry that you didn’t have any support at the time. Your friends telling you that at least it was someone you knew must have made the situation that much worse. Rape is terrible in any shape, but rape and abuse from someone who is supposed to love you is even worse.
Sorry it took me so long to read this. I too have blocked out the past and did the same thing you did. I went back after he cheated and left ME. The years that followed ,us going out all the time, you now what I am talking about, was me trying to deal. I still have issues I just don’t like to talk about it, try to forget it happened. I love you and always will. I was hurt when you didn’t tell me what was going on with you, but now I understand. Please feel you can tell me anything.
Aerin, it was NOT your fault. You ARE one of the strongest people you know.
I am glad for you that you came to a place of acceptance and maybe even peace. Good for you for your rape crisis advocacy – the world needs more people like you.
Thank you for sharing your story here.
I was also raped and abused by my husband, for far too many years. I’m so glad you left as soon as you did, and that you didn’t have children with him. (I did have children with my abusing husband, due to rape.) I think it’s extra painful and traumatic to be abused by someone you love and who is supposed to love you and take care of you. That is very difficult to deal with and heal from.
Though I’m now divorced from my abusive husband, I’ll be dealing with the effects of the sexual and mental and emotional abuse for many years.
You aren’t alone, and I understand a lot of what you’re dealing with. Feel free to email me.
I just wanted to say thanks to all who took the time to read and respond to my story. It truly was freeing to be able to share, and the comments have been so healing! I still read the comments when I feel a bad day coming on, and it really takes the edge off! Thanks to all!
Aerin-Nothing can ever change the fact that you are a beautiful, precious child of God and very worthy of love. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing. Don’t let the negative self-talk get you down. I can’t imagine or fathom what you’ve had to endure and I am so amazed by your strength to get out of the situation and share your story. It is time for you to forgive yourself. It’s not your fault. Lay your burden down. Thanks so much for sharing your story with me.
You are so brave.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story. You’re so amazing, and so, so, so brave. As someone who’s been there, thank you for saying everything I can’t say. Thank you so much.
I admire your strength in sharing your story with such honesty. I am deeply sorry for the cruelty you have suffered, there is no way on this earth you are to blame or deserving of such inhumane treatment. You are worthy and deserving of love and a happy life. I hope you continue to heal & life brings you the many beautiful things you deserve xo