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A few years have passed and for the most part I am doing great. Cheap BACTRIM, There are days I want to lay down and give up, admitting he was right… I am worthless. BUY BACTRIM NO PRESCRIPTION, I still force myself out of bed on those days, and drag myself toward the light at the end of the tunnel. Even after all these years, I still can’t sleep with my husband’s back to me without having nightmares. I have a difficult time trusting people and keep them at a distance for fear they will find that unlovable part of me, real brand BACTRIM online, and who knows what will happen. And of course, there’s the realization that I hurt the one person I do trust. That alone can be unbearable at times.
On a brighter note… most days are good days, and on good days I stop pretending it didn’t happen, admit I survived something truly horrible and believe I am one of the strongest people I know, BUY BACTRIM NO PRESCRIPTION. On good days, I allow myself to see that it’s okay to be devastated after being violated so intimately by someone I once loved and trusted. I’m not even sure anymore where the logic is in thinking it would be easier to be raped and sexually abused by someone you love and trust… what is easy about that. You can deal with the past and move on, but you can’t go back and change or erase it. You also can’t expect someone else to fix it. BUY BACTRIM NO PRESCRIPTION, He altered who I am and as much as I wish he could fix it, he can’t. I wish I had dealt with it years ago, maybe sparing myself the second half of the story. I still don’t like to talk about it, but pretending it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t a big deal is too much of a burden. It did happen and it changed my life and who I am forever. Today I can finally say I am thankful for those changes. I have been a rape crisis advocate for several years now, speaking up for those who aren’t strong enough yet, BUY BACTRIM NO PRESCRIPTION. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to help others, using the strength and compassion my past taught me.
A huge thank you to my forever husband… for the best years of my life, for showing me what real love is all about, and for loving me unconditionally even when I don't make it an easy thing to do.
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Aerin owns Sew Cute by Me Designs, and tweets as @MyLittleDreams7 . .
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Comments
Aerin,
I think we're sisters under the skin. My situation lasted a much shorter time than yours, but I understood your reactions and as I read your story I could see myself in you. My abuser also told me that I was the only one who could "make him lose control". This was his attempt to make it my fault; he admitted to me later that he had beaten both his wives, though he never admitted to raping either of them.
My abuser told me the night I left that what he did to me was okay because he loved me, and I should forgive him because his rage came out of his love. Twisted bastard. That's what makes it so sickening - how can men we love, who profess to love us too, hurt us this way? They are the ones who are damaged, who are wrong, who are at fault. I'm glad you've learned that.
Take gentle care,
Amy
"I never did it to anyone else, so doesn’t that mean it had to be at least partly your fault?” Excuse me Aerin while I take a blood pressure pill. No, it was NOT your fault - I've heard some perpetrator excuses but that's an effing doozie.
I am so glad that you survived and now have a measure of peace, sister - and I am totally with you in the frustration with people thinking partner rape is somehow "easier"
Warm Regards,
Louise
RT @flux613: "On gd days, I allow myself 2 C that it’s okay 2 B devastated after being violated so intimately..." http://bit.ly/dzsMkc via @ToHealTheSoul
"On gd days, I allow myself 2 C that it’s okay 2 B devastated after being violated so intimately..." http://bit.ly/dzsMkc via @ToHealTheSoul
Aerin,
I just have to say that I was totally in shock to learn of this. Even now, it's hard to type with tears in my eyes. But, it certainly does not change my feeling towards you or my friendship with you. I must also tell you that I am so proud of all that you have accomplished with your life and your business. You have an amazing husband and three great kids...and most importantly, you are a child of God and He loves you very much. Always keep in mind that you are a true treasure to Him....You go girl!!!
Love,
Casey
Oh my gosh Aerin, I knew it ended badly, but I had no idea. You are so brave for posting your story. I'm sure you have given strength to many women in the same situation. Look at all you have accomplished by leaving! You should be very proud of yourself and know that you deserve the love and friendships you have now. I know I grew up in La La Land, and things like this didn't happen to people I know, sadly I am wrong.Thanks for sharing.
RT @ToHealTheSoul: My story was posted on Violence UnSilenced a while back... http://bit.ly/aErU7n
My story was posted on Violence UnSilenced a while back... http://bit.ly/aErU7n
I admire your strength in sharing your story with such honesty. I am deeply sorry for the cruelty you have suffered, there is no way on this earth you are to blame or deserving of such inhumane treatment. You are worthy and deserving of love and a happy life. I hope you continue to heal & life brings you the many beautiful things you deserve xo
Thank you for sharing your story. You're so amazing, and so, so, so brave. As someone who's been there, thank you for saying everything I can't say. Thank you so much.
You are so brave.
Thank you.
Aerin-Nothing can ever change the fact that you are a beautiful, precious child of God and very worthy of love. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing. Don't let the negative self-talk get you down. I can't imagine or fathom what you've had to endure and I am so amazed by your strength to get out of the situation and share your story. It is time for you to forgive yourself. It's not your fault. Lay your burden down. Thanks so much for sharing your story with me.
I just wanted to say thanks to all who took the time to read and respond to my story. It truly was freeing to be able to share, and the comments have been so healing! I still read the comments when I feel a bad day coming on, and it really takes the edge off! Thanks to all!
I was also raped and abused by my husband, for far too many years. I'm so glad you left as soon as you did, and that you didn't have children with him. (I did have children with my abusing husband, due to rape.) I think it's extra painful and traumatic to be abused by someone you love and who is supposed to love you and take care of you. That is very difficult to deal with and heal from.
Though I'm now divorced from my abusive husband, I'll be dealing with the effects of the sexual and mental and emotional abuse for many years.
You aren't alone, and I understand a lot of what you're dealing with. Feel free to email me.
Aerin, it was NOT your fault. You ARE one of the strongest people you know.
I am glad for you that you came to a place of acceptance and maybe even peace. Good for you for your rape crisis advocacy - the world needs more people like you.
Thank you for sharing your story here.
Sorry it took me so long to read this. I too have blocked out the past and did the same thing you did. I went back after he cheated and left ME. The years that followed ,us going out all the time, you now what I am talking about, was me trying to deal. I still have issues I just don't like to talk about it, try to forget it happened. I love you and always will. I was hurt when you didn't tell me what was going on with you, but now I understand. Please feel you can tell me anything.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I can't imagine how hard those years must have been for you. I'm sorry that you didn't have any support at the time. Your friends telling you that at least it was someone you knew must have made the situation that much worse. Rape is terrible in any shape, but rape and abuse from someone who is supposed to love you is even worse.
The roads upon which we all travel are varied in their nature, some are more volital than others. It is good to hear that you were able to move forward, and past all that you endured. It is no easy feat to stand up and move forward when you are placed in this position; and it is nice to hear that you were able to, when sadly so many can't. Hugs to you...
I was also raped and abused by my husband, for far too many years. I'm so glad you left as soon as you did, and that you didn't have children with him. (I did have children with my abusing husband, due to rape.) I think it's extra painful and traumatic to be abused by someone you love and who is supposed to love you and take care of you. That is very difficult to deal with and heal from.
Though I'm now divorced from my abusive husband, I'll be dealing with the effects of the sexual and mental and emotional abuse for many years.
You aren't alone, and I understand a lot of what you're dealing with. Feel free to email me.
Aerin,
I'm really impressed by how you walked through these emotions and their impact on your relationships. You rebuilt on so many levels- so difficult, without a tried and true societal roadmap.
That you were able to cleave to the person who did value you, even as you doubted your worthiness of his loyalty. Your husband's limit setting words- "That's not OK"- brought tears to my eyes. They sounded like a father, gently setting you on a less tormented path til you could see your own way clear. I know your eyes rolled, but I always do that when someone hits my nerve.:)
I'm so glad that you're here, sharing your experience, and that you can see the patterns that affected your actions- but don't define who you are now. Thank you.
So many things about your post hit home. The laughter....I remember that laughter and the realizations that came with it. The anger issues....I still battle those. Being unable to trust the one man you should trust....that to.
Thank you for sharing your story. Even now, after all this time, I sometimes find comfort in knowing that someone else understands....truly.
Cheers to your current "forever" husband as well.
You are so brave for posting this. It was abuse and it was rape regardless that he was your husband. I'm sorry to say that had you reported him to the authorities with the military, you still might not have gotten the help for you or him. I, too, was married to an abusive military man who raped me. At the time, it had only been a illegal for a year to rape your wife in Louisiana. I went to the hospital, did the rape kit, gave my report to the MP who showed me the military law and consequences for rape (prison or death penalty for military personel) and asked me "are you really sure to want to accuse him of rape?" "Do you want to be responsible for ruining his career?" "Are you sure it wasn't a misunderstanding?" Nothing ever happened to him even though I had him on tape admitting he raped me. Sometimes it just has to be enough that you know the truth and are living a better life. Enjoy the love you have and know that you deserve this happiness. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
always remember, God does not make junk and you are one of his creations. You never deserved the abuse and it was never your fault. I am glad that you have taken your pain and are helping other women in turn. Prayers for peace, healing, and self-love
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe much as you do... to me, experiencing what you did at the hands of someone who pledged undying love for you is not easier... to me it's harder. I'm so happy you found the strength to leave, not just once but twice. And found the ability to look true love in the eyes and see yourself reflected back. (((u)))
Wow, that is a very powerful story to share and tell. Thank you for telling it. I am glad that your husband stuck by you and stubbornly refused to stop loving you. And your work in rape crisis is quite admirable.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story. No wonder deserves what you've been through.
Thank you for sharing your story.
You *are* worth loving.
Aerin,
I just want you to know that you are a gift in this world. And I believe that deep down, we all want to be loved and cared for. Peace and comfort to you...
"Unlovable." That was/is me. Your story has so many parallels with mine. I'm speechless right now. I can only say thank you for your courage in posting this.
Thank you for sharing this powerful story. I wish you had had someone to support you and get you into therapy. Therapy is an amazing thing and saved my life. It allows me to find my happiness at deeper and deeper levels. I'm so glad you appreciate your now-husband and I'm so glad you found him.
I wanted to say I understand fighting the desire to go back, to rewrite it (which I only realized was what that WAS after years of help), to have someone accept the ugly parts, to beg for the future you want/see/are supposed to have. I understand the begging. I do. I understand the crying. I do. I understand, because the only time my guy said "i love you" was right after "i like those hurt sounds you make". I understand crying the whole time and someone being ok with that. I do. I share in hopes that you really understand that I really understand, and am here with you. Write me if you need someone. :)
me
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I understand. Mine was at the hands of a "friend" and I totally, totally understand. I hope you continue to have good days, and they eventually outnumber the bad. Thank you for sharing. It gives others lights to steer by. Thank you. Wishing I could send you love. Thank you. :)
I'm so sorry you had to go through that hell at home with the man you once loved. There is no excuse for what he did. You deserve safety and happiness. I'm so glad that you've found that within yourself and with your forever husband. Thank you for speaking out. You've given strength to others who may not have found their own voice yet.
I don't need to have been through anything like that to be in awe of you, and I am. Amazing.
<3
Wow...just wow. We practically have the same name AND the same story. I know how hard and horrible it is to go through that and to live with what happened both physically and emotionally. You are much stronger than I at this point, but you have given me hope that I will get stronger and it will get better. Thank you.
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Thank you so much for sharing this-- So much of your story resonates with me, and what I went through. I can relate to you, on so many levels. I am proud of you-- You have been through hell & back, and are still fighting to have the life that you so rightfully deserve. Good for you!
Thank you for sharing your story...it truly touched me.
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You are loved and you are strong! Stay so :)
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Don't ever think this was your fault, or that you are unlovable, rape is rape no matter who the rapist is.
Aerin, You are a beautiful soul and a strong lady who deserves to feel loved. Your husband's love is a blessing. Hang on to his love until you can learn to love yourself. The next time that you are an advocate for a woman who has been raped, listen to everything that you tell that woman and know that you are telling yourself the same true things. None of what happened when you were in your first marriage was your fault. Yes, your husband was a sick. That was not your fault either. The name that I want to call your ex-husband I won't because, as my husband often reminds me, ladies don't talk that way.
As for what your friends said, they don't have a clue. It is not better to be raped by someone that you know. My uncle and dad both raped me when I was 11 years old, maybe a lot younger. Being raped by someone that you know adds betrayal of the worst kind on top of the emotional and physical abuse of being raped. Betrayal by someone who is supposed to love you is much worse than being raped by a stranger who could care less about who you are. Having someone who says he loves you rape you is one of the worst hurts that you will ever experience.
As you told me earlier tonight, believe in yourself. You are worth having your own love and respect. Tell that inner critic voice that says you are not lovable to just shut up. You are loved and lovable and worthy of being loved. Your husband isn't a fool. He sees the person who wants so badly to be loved that she has made some bad choices when she was younger and, as he said, he loves you anyway. Believe him. If he didn't love you, he would have left. Don't make him keep proving that he loves you. Just believe him. You can do that. It is just a choice that you can make over and over again each day until you finally accept his love and start to believe him. He is a good man. Don't push him away.
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