Aimee Greeblemonkey
Do you know GraceD? I have always loved her Twitter name because if you make the “D” lower case it’s “graced.”
Have you seen her Community Keynote presentation from BlogHer this year? Prepare to be emotionally humbled.
As for me, I was more like emotionally staggered.
The tears started burning in my eyes when she talked about hating May – June. See, until I gained a loving father-in-law and had a reason to celebrate Father’s Day, I had always circled around that particular holiday with my eyes narrowed, wondering what was so great about it anyway.
Why did I hate Father’s Day?
OK, deep breath. I am going to come out and say something I have only hinted at before on this blog.
I was sexually and emotionally abused by my father.
Here’s the rub, I don’t remember a lot of it because of a condition called disassociation. But I promise, there’s enough there to really mess a person up for pretty much the rest of her life. Even given the fact that my father died when I was 11, and I have, luckily, and thanks to a lot of hard work by my mom, lived a normal life since then.
Before then wasn’t so great for us.
All things considered, we limped out of there pretty OK.
Enter my night terrors. This I have talked about pretty frequently. But in a nutshell, I used to have huge, grandiose, screaming, flailing night terrors where I was a harm to both myself and my husband. I used to have these night terrors several times a week. I wasn’t sleeping. Bryan wasn’t sleeping. This had gone on for a decade.
I finally found a therapist several years ago because we were starting to sleep in separate beds. That may have worked for Lucy and Ricky, but not for us. I had finally found a wonderful man to spend my life with – and I wanted to, well, spend my life with him.
I assumed the night terrors were related to my dad, everything always was, right? So we talked. And talked and talked. And I felt better. I understood more. I forgave. Not my dad. ME. I listened to Grace before Grace even entered my life. My dad is still in purgatory with me, but at least I don’t hate him anymore. Hate wastes so much of your energy; I just was so tired of hating him.
My the night terrors didn’t stop. So off I went for the weirdest night of my life, and finally turning to the crazy meds. In the three years since starting taking them – I have had TWO, count ‘em TWO, full-blown night terrors. Compared to the several per week I used to have, I’ll take those odds and I will take my pills. We’re kicking post-traumatic stress in the ass.
As I watched Grace’s presentation, though, I was mesmerized. I ticked off on my hands all the things she mentioned that I struggle with. Towards the end, I was smiling through my tears, thinking, SHE GETS IT. She really understands.
And that’s why I decided to post today. To let Grace and other victims know I GET IT. I understand. I am here for you if you want to talk in the comments or privately (aimee at greeblemonkey dot com).
There is also an AMAZING site run by Maggie Dammit for victims of abuse called Violence Unsilenced for people to share their stories and be there for each other.
So, thank you Grace, and Maggie, and my therapist, and my friends and my amazing husband for helping my make the steps on this journey and feeling pretty OK at this end of it. THANK YOU.
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Aimee blogs at Greeblemonkey. This entry is cross-posted on her own site today.
21 Responses to “Aimee Greeblemonkey”
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It’s funny how things work out, huh Maggie? I really believe that. Thank you for including me today and for creating such an amazing site.
Amy,
Your post is so cool mainly because you have released yourself from the hatred you had, rightfully so, for your father. That must be liberating. I am only supposing – I have yet to be able to do the same. But, you give me strength and encouragement to self-reflect on the trap of unforgiveness.
Thank you for having the strength and courage to post. You build us up.
So glad you have men in your life that make Father’s Day worthwhile.
You are awesome!
-Chris
Thank you!!
I understand too, Aimee. I get it.
Here’s to all the people who GET IT, but would rather not.. thank you for sharing your story.
Aimee,
Thank you for sharing your story.
It always surprises me how this big world turns around and around and then I bump into myself in the most unexpected places. Thanks for this, Aimee (and Maggie.)
I wrote a post yesterday where I only mildly almost hint at the abuse I lived through. I didn’t post it knowing it needs to be edited. And still I couldn’t sleep last night. I woke in a panic and sweat three times afraid that I had actually hit publish instead of save. (I had to check twice.)
I want to be thick skinned, brave, and in full ownership of what has happened to me and sometimes I pretend that I am those things. But really I’m not. Some members of my family have started reading my blog and their inevitable hurt feelings and comments lashing out at me, maybe calling me a liar…I can see me crumbling underneath their thumbs.
I don’t “get it” at the same level you do, or others do. My childhood — what I remember of it anyway — was almost abnormally normal. But I’ve seen the effects, seen what kind of adults emerge from these nightmares, seen those I pitied, and those I’ve admired to the point of awe. Many of those latter ones have published stories here or in other similar outlets. And I find myself wondering, “How do you do it? How do you live in this world without hating everyone and everything in it?”
I suspect many of them have figured out what you’ve presented to us today. Assigning blame is not extremely useful. Assigning forgiveness most certainly is. Blamestorming manifests negative energy, forgiving, manifests positive. And since everything in the universe flows from high potential to low potential, focus on the positive goes with that flow rather than against it. It applies to electric current, heat transfer, fluid dynamics, and every other physical force. It only makes sense that metaphysical forces would work in the same way. And it’s far easier and much less exhausting to swim with the current than against it.
For some, what you’ve said and shared here is obvious. Some have already learned it, some “just knew”. Some have heard it but don’t quite believe it. Some know it but don’t have the words to express it. And for some this will be a revelation. For these last ones, I thank you. Because they need to know. They need to understand, to “get it”. And because of your generous courage, they will have the chance to hear and see the words that could quite literally save their lives.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
I too was profoundly moved by Grace’s speech. I cannot yet put it into words, but I’m working through it. It’s really nice to see someone on the other side. Thank you so much for giving me hope.
I am still trying to sort through all my emotions from today – but thank you all for being so wonderful. I really appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing, I’m also glad that I’m not the only one who doesn’t think hate is a waste of energy. I get it, tho I wish none of us had to.
Brave, wonderful you.
I, too, cried when I heard Grace’s keynote. It was if she was speaking right to me and no one else.
Much love to you. You are strong & brave. Thank you for sharing your story.
You’re so right to have stopped hating. It eats at your soul like battery acid – and it erodes the good along with the bad until there isn’t a whole lot of anything left. It sounds like you are focused on healing and that’s fabulous. And you’re speaking up and speaking out. That’s fabulous, too.
You “get it” much more than you know.
I used to think the disassociates was better, made it easier to forget. Never in my wildest dreams did I think in my late 30′s that wall would come crumbling down, because in the end it was still there waiting in the background of my subconcious.
I get it, you have to learn to love the person you are, to understand what happened as horrible and ugly as it is, was someone elses sickness. These days I like me as I am. Yes, the nightmares come, and I still get scared of what I see. But I’m still capable of love, compassion and yes, even forgiveness.
The thing of about being a victim, is someday discovering you are no longer one, your actually a survivor.
Well said and written. (Hugs)Indigo
Thank you for sharing! I appreciate your frankness in sharing this story. I’m reminded of a Parade article: http://tinyurl.com/2dbpm7. The key for victims is *not* necessarily to forgive the abuser, but to forgive yourself. It is a powerful message.
Dear friend,
I. had. no. idea.
I am so furious/sad/angry/sick that you were put by that by a person who should have been willing to defend you with his life to prevent harm coming to you.
I am so sorry.
You are wonderful and loved.
xo
Thank you for sharing with us and for your courage.
Thank you for sharing your story and the video.