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I am thirty-five.
***
Anissa blogs at Hope4Peyton and several other respected sites. She asks that you keep all comments regarding this post here on Violence UnSilenced rather than her own blog, in the interest of protecting the feelings of her family members.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Comments
Oh this is soooooooo beautiful, it has me in tears. Thanks for holding out that hope for all of us. You are an inspiration and a treasure and I am so, so, so, so happy you have the life you deserve.
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Oh wow. You're so brave. You've gone through so so much, and yet, you're just amazing. Thanks for sharing your hard story.
Wow. I knew you had overcome so many challenges in life but this one. This one is gut-wrenching. You are so effing courageous, to not only have dealt with this but to share so openly what you've been through. New level of respect. And I was already pretty amazed by you.
Anissa,
I don't know if you ever check back here. You are home from the hospital with your family. I knew you were a survivor. I just didn't know all the ways you embody that word until I went through the archives to read others' stories, now that I've shared mine. I love you, and I am so glad that you keep on surviving.
Anissa, I hope you get to read this. Right now you're fighting again for your life. I'm telling people about our funny Twitter conversation about the Twilight vibrator and hoping that none of them ever takes the amazing times with their loved ones for granted. You are amazing and brave and lovely and I know you'll pull out of the struggle for your life you're in because you made it out of this horrible past. You are strong. You've proved it here, and you'll prove it in the hospital too.
Aw, hon, I'm crying here. So sorry. Thank you for writing this.
I have a hard time reading anyone's story here. Obviously.
You just helped me pinpoint what was wrong about the relationship I am now leaving. I owe you a debt of gratitude. Thank you.
My heart aches for your experiences. I'm so glad that you are so strong and you are an example for others on how to take back your life. We are not defined by our experiences, we're not defined by our scars. Thank you for being so full of power and strength. You are an inspiration and your words will go so far to help others. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this. I hope that voicing your story helps in your healing.
Oh Anissa... I see your wit and your humor and to my joy I got to meet you in person and stand next to your beauty..
I laugh at your writing and imagine the most awesome children you have there.
And wow, to hear this from you breaks my heart and makes me want to rage as well.
I recently became certified to be a foster parent. And it is one tough road to love those children and not attempt go hurt who did this to them.
You are amazing and I ache for you and I'm so glad I know you....
I'm so glad this story has a happy ending. You worked hard though you already earned it and then some. I'm glad your children's purity is there to cleanse you and show you that this world isn't all pain.
Thanks for posting this and thanks for the bravery and trust it took to post this as yourself, out in the open. Sexual abuse is so laced with shame that even as an adult, when you know you had no complicity, it is hard to shake the feeling. When people like you tell your story, you impact all of us, especially those of us who have been victims ourselves. Other women openly talking about it does more to alleviate the shame and confused feelings than hours of therapy. I related to this on a number of levels and remember my own conversation with my husband, feeling like too many things had written on my slate to be whole enough to be a good partner and mother. I also remember the redemptive quality of having someone love you just the way you are, and yes, knowing you will give your kids such a different experience, getting to experience the stable loving childhood through them.
By being brave makes us all braver--thank you.
sad story, brave and beautifully written.
I'm so glad you have a husband and children that love you and you love them. I wish you peace girl, because you have surely been to hell on earth. Bless your brave heart.
Eaton.
You are an incredibly strong person. I think we can all agree on that. I'm so sorry you had to go through this and then you had to go through the years of silence. You are very brave.
I'm not even sure if you're checking back on comments since this post was from a few days ago, but I just had to write. Your story just blows me away--your honesty; your courage. I am so sorry that you had to endure so many years of pain--even after the abuse ended.
I wanted you to know how much I related to you.
" I didn’t want to have children for fear that the black in my past would somehow seep into their lives. Instead, with each miraculous birth, a bit of their purity seeped into me."
I understand that fear so much...and also the relief of finding out that I needn't have worried.
Blessings, Love, and Light to you.
Anissa- thank you for having the courage to share this and to call out from shadows, even when to do so may cause pain. We so often think of abusers as adults but forget that older children are often ravaging souls of younger children. I have so many questions, none of them really carry heat in the knowledge of your survival and the full-of-love life you've created as an adult, but because this story bears so many similarities to stories in my own family I wish I knew what happened to your parents relationship with your brother...does he have access to children as an adult...why in the name of all we hold dear don't the people who are supposed to protect us...protect us? What is it about the ability of our minds to create such denial that it allows people to turn their faces away when they can see, or have seen, the horror going on inside their homes. I have people in my family who have done the same thing...who are still afraid when I talk about it...who would still rather turn their faces away.
I love what you wrote about your children. All the very best to you!!
I am just at a bit of a lose. I somehow oddly stumbled on this site and your post. I couldn't stop reading, holdling my breath, fingers crossed for you. At the end I broke down in tears. My son (4) said "Mommy why are you so sad." What can I say? I said, "Honey, I just am." How could I even explain it to him. I am also amazed. Amazed at the strength one soul can possess. How can I explain that to him either and why I would make me cry.
All of this and you are still one of the most amazing and loving women I have ever met. You laugh so much and bring so many smiles to everyone else despite everything you have been through. When I shared my story on here a few weeks back you were one of the first to comment, and I must have read yours a thousand times because it made me feel so good. I am so happy your ability to love and share that love survived experiences that might have crippled many permanently.
Big hugs to you.
Oh Anissa....my heart aches for what you went through but I am so joyful your story has a happy ending!
Anissa, I am enraged by the lack of protection you were given as a little girl.
I have a friend whose daughter was molested by the older brother.
My friend ended up pressing rape charges against her son in order to protect her daughter. It was ugly but necessary.
I grieve that you were not shown this protection.
I wanted to cheer when you called your sister, your friends and they believed and supported you. I held my breath when you wrote of telling your future husband, and I wanted to hug him and shout his love from the mountaintops when he showed you how big love really is.
You have written a powerful post. There is power and healing in your story. I envision this helping others.
I am so glad your children have you as a mother, to love and protect them.
I'm so glad that you were not only able to survive, but thrive, after all you went through.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Oh, Anissa. I am so very sorry. I hate that your childhood was filled with such pain. No one should have to go through what you did.
But, thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazing woman.
Holy shit that was powerful. I am in awe of your strength and willingness to share with us so that we might be stronger, too.
RT Thank you. @AnissaMayhew: In case your day wasn't depressing enough, my survivor story for Violence Unsilenced http://twurl.nl/rr4c17
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm so very glad that when you told your friends and sister and that they supported you. You are so strong for sharing your story with all of us.
"I have a life that I’d never dreamed I would be whole enough to have."
Oh honey...I know exactly what you feel. I'm so sorry this happened to you and also that you were brave enough to post it.
There really is no end to your inner strength. I wish I had more eloquent words for how amazing I really think you are.
Thank you for sharing your story.
*sniff* My heart hurts for you...and for all the young children who aren't protected, who don't know it isn't their fault.
A close friend of mine was violated by her brother. I like to think that her children have helped to heal her. I'd never thought of that before reading this post, but I instinctively feel that it is true.
Not Your Fault. ♥
I'm really glad that I am following you on twitter.
http://violenceunsilenced.com/anissa/ This is a story of survival at its most fundamental level--the Self...
Retweet @AnissaMayhew case your day wasn't depressing enough, my survivor story for Violence Unsilenced http://twurl.nl/rr4c17
Children can be our salvation in so many ways. Thanks for sharing.
I love what you wrote, but I hate that you had to write it. It was beautiful and so are you.
I wish I had just one person in my life who would love me enough to listen to the pain inside of me and not run away. Maybe someday...
We ask so little of our parents, really. All we want is for them to protect us.
My greatest fear is that someone might be hurting my kids without me knowing. I don't know how to protect them from that. I like to think they would tell me, feel I am there for them. But then I fear that someday they will have a story to tell like yours -- where I did not see what was right in front of me.
How much more you must fear that very thing. And yet, you had the courage to become a mother and to try.
I don't have the words to say how much I am sorry that you weren't protected, how glad I am that you have built a different reality.
Wow, that is a heartbreaking story. Knowing you and so many have gone through this just kills me. And knowing it is happening to many other innocent children while I write this, makes me angry and sad. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that by doing so, you are helping many others find the strength to survive, just as you did.
Hi Annise...been following you on Twitter & on your blog for a little while now. Just had to say that the world is a much better place with you in it. I'm glad you've survived such absolute shit and honored that you wrote about it. I'm simultaneously depressed by your abuse and completely uplifted by your fighting to thrive and welcoming beauty and love into your life. Thanks for writing this.
Wow. I already knew I loved you from Twitter & your blog, but... wow. This is amazing. Well done to you for putting it all out there. I am so sorry for what you went through, and yet so happy that you're making it through the darkness. Thank you for sharing your story.
Anissa-
You are so incredibly brave & strong. I know you, I know this story, you along with others are encouraging me by your words to share my story. To speak out-to never let it lie. It isn't okay & it just sickens me that I am not the only one who has felt this pain. I knew that I had a connection with you from the moment we started chatting but you are a kindred spirit. The first thing I am doing when we meet up in Chi-town is giving you the biggest damn hug I have ever given.
xoxo
Heather
Anissa-
Although I don't know you YET (!) You have an amazing attitude and a tremendous heart to share what you did in the manner that you did it.
You are a sweetheart! I will see/meet you @blogher!
I'm in awe. You are brave and honest and beautiful. Thank you for having the strength to share your story.
Anissa, you are amazing. I already knew that, but now I feel that way again. Good for you to be brave enough to tell this story. Hugs to you.
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