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When I was in my early thirties I was having dinner with a group of girlfriends. I think there were 7 or 8 of us around the table. Somehow the conversation got onto the topic of sexual abuse against women and EVERY SINGLE WOMAN around that table had experienced some kind of abuse. Someone’s father molested them, METHYLPHENOBARBITAL street price, someone’s brother raped them, a teacher, a stranger, a date rape situation, etc. EVERY SINGLE ONE of us. That’s how common it is.
I always feel like I don’t have a right to have any residual issues around what happened to me. So many people have had way worse things happen to them. It only happened to me the one time, and there wasn’t even any penetration. I sometimes think about how I would like to find the guy who did this to me and make something bad happen to him, yell at him, scream at him, tell the police what he did to me, tell his whole family what he did, tell his boss, etc. But then I think, he was just a teenager. He didn’t mean to do anything bad to me…he probably just thought I would forget about it. Why am I apologizing for him? Why am I letting him off the hook.
I never feel safe. When I fantasize about where and how I’d live if I won the lottery and could go anywhere I wanted to, it’s all about safety. I’d have a house with a state of the art security system. I’d have a property that no one could penetrate. I’d never have to worry if someone could get in and hurt me. They could never get close to me. Also, I’d never have to leave my house. I’d have everything I need delivered to me in a safe way, a drop box or something, so that I’d never have to go out where it’s dangerous and where I’d be vulnerable. I don’t trust anyone. At all. I have an eating disorder that serves to ensure that no one will be attracted to me or be able to get close to me. I create layers of protection around my body. I have depression and anxiety issues. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m hyper-vigilant about my person and my whereabouts. The list goes on. I believe that most, if not all, of these issues stem from what happened to me, but I feel guilty about that because much worse things have happened to other people.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
"I always feel like I don’t have a right to have any residual issues around what happened to me. So many people have had way worse things happen to them."
Anonymous, you are 100% not guilty for what was done to you. Your abuser is 100% guilty for what he did. You have every right to every thought and feeling that you have concerning your molestation. I fear it is a mistake that many of us make, thinking that our story isn’t as tragic as someone else’s story, so it must not be as bad, and I shouldn’t feel the way I do. And that’s just crap. It’s not a matter of degree. Abuse is abuse. You’ve found your voice and you’ve shared your story. Congratulations on taking an important first step. Please consider finding a therapist and working through your very real and 100% valid thoughts and feelings about your rape.
Thank you for sharing this, thank you. I had a similar experience to you as a young girl and it was like you were telling my story. Thank you for that and bless.
All molestation is bad one time fifty times, penetration no penetration, it does not matter it changed who you would be, it made you fearful. You keep learning and growing, ALL the women who are healing are with you and no judgement is meted out just love.
I am so sorry. But you are so brave to do this. Thank you. And? It's my feeling that your sharing your story here only gives strength to those who you might think had it "worse." Again, thank you for that.
"I always feel like I don’t have a right to have any residual issues around what happened to me. So many people have had way worse things happen to them. It only happened to me the one time, and there wasn’t even any penetration." Those words are things we tell ourselves, but they don't actually matter. Everyone's worst experience is their worst experience.
And there's no measurement, when it comes to being violated - especially when you're the person who was.
Thank you for speaking up. For throwing out that 8 out of 8 statistic. That's an overwhelming number that I don't think many realize exists.
Like any victim, the abuse you encountered left you confused and scared. The only way to make sense of it and heal from it is to tell - which you have several times. Congratulations on your bravery throughout the years for doing that!
Continue to take care of yourself. Just because your abuser had no respect for you doesn't mean you shouldn't respect yourself. The more you prove to that little girl inside you that she is safe and in good hands with the adult you, the safer and calmer you'll feel.
Best wishes to you as you continue to heal!
There is no "worse." Anyone who has been hurt like this has every right to feel hurt, to feel the things you are feeling. There is no "worse."
Hugs and love.
"It only happened to me the one time, and there wasn’t even any penetration."
That doesn't make it okay. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for having the courage to share your truth.
In regards to your experience not being "bad enough", this is a quote I found on a website:
Never Compare it...
“Never compare it. Everyone I’ve ever met tries to invalidate what happened to them by saying it was worse for someone else. What happened to you was real… What happened to you counts. Don’t belittle it.”- Anon., Support Zine- ed."
I wish you well on your journey toward healing.
I don't even know what to say. I just want to tell you that it's not your fault, and that it was "bad enough." Whatever that is. Whatever happened to any of us is enough to have hurt us, changed us - while other people might have "had it worse," it doesn't mean that we weren't hurt, too.
My best wishes for healing.
The second thing had to do with your fear and depression. Clearly you and I reacted very differently. I was a very defiant child, and once my mom banned the kid who molested me from our house (for other reasons) I probably would have told her if not for the messed up way she viewed everything body-related. I kept it a secret out of fear of her reaction, and eventually blocked it out. But it still triggered a great deal of rage and reactionary behavior in me. I refused to be afraid. Any time I felt the least bit intimidated, I reacted with anger. Violence if possible. I always thought to myself, What's the worst that can happen? And then convinced myself it wasn't worth letting myself be bullied over.
On the one hand, that only worked for me because I had never experienced real violence. Becoming a mother was what alerted me to the fact that this was my defense mechanism; because now the worst that can happen is my kids can be hurt. That took coming to terms with. I just decided that I will not live in fear. I've seen too many people being controlled and manipulated through fear, and it makes me feel more vulnerable to be afraid than to be actually hurt.
I try to remember that my body is just that - a body. Something I'm stuck in right now, that will eventually rot in the ground and whatever happened to it will be forgotten. It's the ME inside that I need to look out for; and that is something that can only be touched through my mind. The biggest way to get to someone's mind is through fear. So I refuse to live in fear.
I'm not saying any of this to tell you what is good for you. I just want you to hear how other people deal with the same issues so you will have options to choose from. In the end, whatever you have to do in order to heal is what you should do. My best wishes are with you.
I have two unrelated responses that come to mind, so I will post them separately to avoid confusion.
First, never feel as though your experience wasn't that bad or isn't worth talking about. It's the emotional effects that are so long-lasting and devastating. Of course there are some terrible instances where children suffer lasting physical damage from the abuse, but those are comparatively rare. Even when there is temporary physical damage, that only gives an extra layer to the initial trauma. It's not what causes the years of psychological trouble that follow. You have every right to be traumatized and to both seek and expect help.
It doesn't surprise me that all your friends had experienced abuse as well. I think we victims find each other. There's a connection there that just isn't there with other people. A connection we need and crave even without knowing it.
Don't feel bad that you forgot it. Your mom probably didn't think there was anything to be gained by pursuing it further, although therapy may have helped. Your mind was probably still resilient enough at 12 that you were able to block it out once the initial fear was past.
I hope things get better for you from here on.
Feelings and hurt are not a limited commodity. Your hurt and pain and FEAR don't diminish anyone else's. They are yours, and you are entitled to them, and they have shaped you, whether you believe they should have or not. No child should have to experience something that leads to such deep-seated constant fear, and I am so sorry that you did.
Please, please take good care of yourself. See a counselor, not because you require fixing, but because you deserve help learning to work through your fear. Because you deserve happiness and peace.
You didn't ask for advice, but I do want to say to anyone who feels as you do, this sounds like Post-Traumatic Stress to me. PTSD can be addressed, and you can get relief from the constant fear.
I'm so glad you screwed up your courage and told your truth. I hope in doing so you gain the knowledge that there are others who share your feelings and who want, in some small part, to share your burden as well.
My story is virtually the same as yours, and my feelings are almost exactly the same as yours. If anything else, know that someone, somewhere, understands what you are saying and how you are feeling (as much as a person can, because I have been there too). Hugs.
Your feelings are yours and you have every right to them. Just because someone else's story may be more dramatic, doesn't change the fact that this has changed you in very real ways.
Thank you for this reminder that we are a product of our past, even if we let those painful memories fade. This event has clearly influenced you in many ways. I'm glad you've taken this step to speak out, to validate the experience, to know that you were the victim but you are also claiming victory. I pray that you are able to heal and continue to gain strength in your life today.
Regardless of what happened, you were abused and it changed who you are. I hope you find peace in letting this out. It was so brave of you to do so. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding people just how common sexual abuse really is.