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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
There is no latent gene for abuse that will suddenly be triggered and turn you into the monster that abused you. I cannot urge you strongly enough to speak with a counselor about these fears so that you can learn to let go of them. You are not guilty for the abuse you received. You did not cause it. You did not trigger it. You were the victim of it.
I can completely identify with feeling like you weren’t really abused. I used to think back to the actions that my pedophile took with me, and wondered if I was really abused. It was never forced. There were no bruises or scars. There were no harsh words or threats. But I was nine years old, and unable to make a sound, rational decision about participating in sexual acts. That made it abuse. Well, that and the myriad of emotional problems that plagued me for decades later. I couldn’t clearly see that until I was an adult with children of my own.
You are not a monster. There is not a monster lurking within you, waiting to get out. You are a beautiful person, a child of God, and a survivor. Thank you for finding your voice and sharing your story.
Blessings to you,
Give your children everything that you didn't have, incredible love, attention, without abuse. You are not the monster, and don't think for a second that you are. Keep your voice and help others. Just because an atrocious monster who was suppose to be a mentor of life to you, used his power over a small innocent, to his own advantage, does not mean that you are now a monster. Always remember that no matter what you have potential to be and continue to be amazing. No matter how nice and pleasant he could be, there was still a monster beneath.
You don't have to be like him. Like them. You've made up your mind that you aren't.
You are brave to share this.
Sharing your story is proof that there is light inside of you. Don't lose sight of it, if you can.
Thank you for speaking out. Peace to you, dear.
Yep, I know that feeling. The what if and but what IF!! I can tell you 38 years later. ......I was 7 when it happen to me. 7 years old. I have NEVER wanted, thought about, wondered, questioned my path. I was abused yes. I AM NoT an abuser. End of story.
Wow, this is such a brave post. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It's a terrible feeling to wonder if you're more like them than you realize, and I can certainly relate. It took a lot of healing but I understand now that I couldn't be more different from the people that hurt me. And I believe you're like me too, because I don't think you'd be worried about it if you were truly like him. I hope that makes some sense. That ugly blackness inside comes from the trauma of it - trauma you can't feel or identify in any other way right now. But that's okay. You're not on anybody's timetable but your own. I just want you to know that it doesn't mean what you're afraid it means. I think you're awesome.
The cycle of abuse often continues because those who are hurt don't know how to heal or their hurt and pain marginalized. While your family may not have been as supportive as you had hoped, it sounds as if you have arrived at a place of healing and not wanting your children to experience what you did. The best thing you can do is arm your children with the power that they need to protect themselves as they get older and while they're young just realize that if people have a problem with your overprotectiveness that's THEIR problem. As for you being worried you'll hurt your own children, I urge you to talk with a professional so you rid yourself of that fear and allow that space to be filled with love.
My best to you!
This made me want to reach our and give you a massive hug. To cry with you. This is my biggest fear - that bringing children into the world will mean they get hurt in the same way I did. And that if I choose to have them anyway, then it's my fault, right? And what happens if I'm actually married to someone who will hurt them, I just don't know it now.
You are brave for speaking out. You are brave for marrying. You are brave for having children. You are brave for living. You are brave to ask youfself the question, and for that reason, you have nothing to fear.
Thoughts and hugs x
I am so sorry that you had to go through this, that it has happened to so many of us doesn't really make is easier, perhaps just tolerable knowing that there are people who understand your own isolation and suffering. I don't worry about sexually abusing my kids but I worry everyday that the emotional wreckage and aftermath of the abuse and the damage done to me makes me more fearful, too careful with them, emotionally distant and depressed at times. I worry this is the legacy of my abuse. I worry that the anxiety created from my own sexual and emotional abuse makes me worry so much about my own children's safety and & emotional well being that sometimes I forget to just enjoy them, take a break from the constant vigilance have some faith that I am doing it right, that they will be fine, that my mistakes are normal and not catastrophic.
I also want to say that you are not responsible for your mother's feelings. I don't think you have to blame her or be angry at her but I think there are things she could have done to keep you safe. I think one of the things that leads to abuse and probably why it can be a family-wide problem is a lack of boundaries and trusting your gut. This is something that is hard if you have been victimized because it's so confusing, I think many of us have learned to ignore our instincts and we re not good at taking care of ourselves. I think many adults have questions about people around them and possible concerns but they ignore their gut because they don't want to point fingers or make other people(adults) uncomfortable. think there is also a way of communicating with kids and empowering them to say no, to reach out when something feels off. I know this wasn't a focal pint of generations past, but I think it is important to note that there are things our parents could have done to make us less likely to be sexually abused. You were a child, there is no way you were in a position to protect yourself, that was the job of your parents and they didn't do it well enough. You can forgive your mother for failing to make sure you were safe but don't take on that responsibility for her.
I applaud you for speaking out, what a tough thing but when you acknowledge your scariest thoughts and darkest fears, you make me feel like I am not alone, not broken, not crazy. Best of luck to you and your family and thank you for taking the time to put your thoughts down.
Such a moving description of one of the long-lasting evils of child abuse. The pain of awareness of the human potential to abuse is horrifying and hard to fully escape. Fortunately it's balanced by an awareness of the human capacity to heal, to recover, and to thrive. Not to mention to break cycles. Hoping those things are held close to you, as well, even when the dark shadows come.
i have specific, explicit memories. and there are times the memories come back and i look at my own children and i have less and less empathy for my abuser. (there wasn't a whole lot there to begin with.)
it's not genetic. cyclical, yes. but that's the difference. even by speaking about it here, you are breaking the cycle. because you are acknowledging it, facing it, dealing with it. it doesn't mean it makes it okay or that it makes it go away. it will always be there, always be a part of who you are. but it isn't all of you.
i think of it this way:
i incurred the scars so that my children don't have to.
"that someday it will sneak out and hurt my children" I am so afraid of that, too. But I believe that this sharing, our speaking out itself is the thing that will end up protecting our children from the horrible things we endured.