Anonymous
My Husband knows I was sexually abused as a child, but not the extent of the torture. I’ve spoken about it enough to get past it, and have lived a victorious life in spite of being an abused little girl. I just want you to know that in advance of reading this.
There is one more part of my story that I need to let out. Just once – and anonymously. I don’t remember when the abuse from my father started. It just always was, and I also always knew I had to keep it secret. I know it was before I entered kindergarten. I also know that my mother didn’t care. As long as he left her alone and we looked good as a family from the outside, it was not an issue. I honestly preferred the sexual abuse to the beatings – he gave me money after the sexual abuse, and the bruises didn’t last as long.
My father bet me once in a card game – and lost. He lost a blow job by his 9 year old daughter in a card game. My FATHER BET MY SEXUAL SERVICES TO MY UNCLE IN A POKER GAME. He lost. I lost. He has no idea what I lost that day.
My father came and pulled me out of bed, took me to the bathroom where my uncle waited, and told me to do whatever he asked. When I started crying for shame, my drunk uncle tried to get me to cooperate. Then he yelled, “HE SAID YOU ENJOYED THIS, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!” He left, and I ran back to my room and hid under the bed. My father came in and pulled me out and beat me with an electric cord – then made me give him the blow job. Then he told I got nothing for that one, because he had to pay the bet.
Nine years old. Nine. Nine.
I never saw that uncle again.
My father didn’t stop abusing me until I was about fifteen. I threatened him with a knife, told him I’d had enough, and I’d send him to jail. He believed me.
I think I would have killed him.
He died a few years back. I was so relieved. My mother died, too.
I’m so much happier as an orphan.
Nine. Nine years old. How could he.
***
I am posting anonymously simply because of the break I have made from this past. I am married to a wonderful man, and I am currently raising two daughters who know no abuse in their own lives, and who only know that I was estranged from their grandparents when they died. I need to keep it that way forever. It is part of the breaking of this generational curse. I am sure that my father was abused as a child raised in a Catholic orphanage. I offer that as explanation, not excuse.
I find that as I watch my daughters grow, and see how lovely, vulnerable and innocent they are, the hate and horror I feel sometimes overwhelms me and I am compelled to write about it to get it out. I have sent this to you because it helps to know that someone else can read this and know. Maybe knowing that I have not let the abusers take my whole life will help someone else.
My own daughter is now nine years old.
57 Responses to “Anonymous”
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Stunned.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this story. I am so happy you took control of your life and have managed to be happy.
My god, my stomach hurts. This tore at something inside me.
Nine years old is far, FAR too young to be exposed to the horrors in this world. I am so tremendously sorry for what you went through, Anonymous. I barely know what to say.
Thank you for sharing here. I think your instinct that others might be helped by knowing that your abusers have not taken your whole life is a good one.
I appreciate your words.
Wow. What an incredible story of survival. Just wow. Like Miss Britt said – stunned.
This story completely shocked me. I am nauseous, and I have tears in my eyes. I have a 9 year old, and I couldn’t help but picturing her in this scenario. It hurts, it makes me sick, and it’s scary to think that anyone could be so evil, so sick, so twisted to do that to a 9 year old.
I am so sorry. There are no words.
wow. words seem inadequate here, but thank you for telling your story. and thank you also for surviving and becoming a wonderful, caring mother and wife and woman.
I can’t even find the words.
I am proud of you- proud that you have moved on and are living a wonderful life despite your past; proud that you have not let yourself remain a victim; proud that you are doing everything in your power to stop the cycle of abuse; and proud that you are strong enough to share your story.
Thank you.
That makes me sick for you, and sick for anyone who ever had to go through something like that. Thank you for sharing — we as a society can’t afford to ignore these stories.
I don’t have words to respond to the horror you endured, except to say I’m listening.
Bless you for sharing this with us. You are strong, indeed. I’m glad to know that you claimed victory over your harsh beginnings, broken the cycle of abuse, and that you are able to step out in faith to share your example for others.
What an an awful thing to have happen.. and what an amazing story of survival! Thank God you are free from your past now.
Nine years old. I can see why your daughter reaching this age would bring up old wounds. I am so glad that you can celebrate that you have provided her with a safe and loving home. Thank you for sharing with us.
You are so brave. Your kids are lucky to have such an amazing Mom. Stay Strong!
Wow, just wow. I can not even begin to imagine having to go through anything of this nature EVER, more less as a child. So sorry and so happy that you no longer endure the torture.
XOXO
I am astounded…and speechless. I am so, so sorry for the little girl who endured and I am awed by the woman you have become.
This story gave me chills. How anyone could do something like that to a child, let alone their own child, is beyond my comprehension. I wish you peace.
I am not sure what to say but wanted to post something. I am so incredibly sorry to that 9 year old girl who had to live through that. I can completely understand the need to get it out but in a way that is still separate from your life now.
That you lived through that and did not give in to that darkness is a triumph. I also wish you peace.
While I know that you have triumphed beyond this (thank God!), I have to say how very sorry I am that this ever happened to you. It’s way more than anyone should have to endure, much less at such a tender age.
I’m sure it does make your blood boil to put your children’s faces on your experience. that’s yet another way that illustrates how your abusers haven’t “taken” your life.
I’m glad that you were able to end your horrific situation without adding further harm to yourself, such as actually killing or injuring him and ending up in prison over it. (Though I was not sexually abused, I know what it’s like to want to kill the abuser. You just want it to STOP once and for all.)
I’m very happy that you have found someone to love and appreciate you and that you now have your own children to love. Further proof that the cycle CAN BE BROKEN is why you’re sharing your story is so very important.
May you continue to enjoy the peace and happiness you deserve.
i just feel like cussing a whole lot.
nine.
Nine. Nineteen. Three. Twelve. No matter the age, this.should.not.be. The horror and the fear and the shame… they’re always the same. The dysfunction it causes later varies in severity, but it’s always there. A persistent, underlying evil current… a buzz in the mind that won’t stop. Ever.
But you can muffle it. And you have. Channeling it away from you, not allowing it to pollute the mainstream of your life. Not letting it poison your marriage or your children. It requires a lot of strength to go this way. To shield those close to you means carrying most of the load yourself. Or with the help of a few trusted others. I hope that by posting here, you’ve expanded that circle of trust. I hope it’s helped you bear that burden you choose to bear virtually alone.
Because I still hear so.much.pain in your voice. So much that’s never been resolved, and now may never be. I hope the hurt will heal, even knowing the scar will never go away. You should never have been put through this by someone you were supposed to be able to trust. But at least you know — or you seem to — that you were not at fault, not to blame.
I wish you peace, what peace you can find. And I thank you for your story. It’s tragically common, and some of the ones who have had the same experience never break the “vow” of silence. Perhaps now they can. If nothing else, you’ve let them know that they’re not the only ones.
Thank you.
I understand the need to be estranged from my own family, and I think you hit it on the spot when you wrote–”It is part of the breaking of this generational curse.”
When I think of my own family and the abuse I endured as a child and teen, and then as an adult trying to break free from them and the guilt they attempted nearly daily to put upon me for being loyal to my own family (my children and husband) I realize that the only way I can beat this cycle of abuse–a curse indeed–is to live my life without them.
Thank you for being strong and for also sharing your story.
It amazes me how cruel, brutal and totally sick some people are. They have no regard for life, love and their children. Why bother having them. Why not give them away for a better life. I know you are supposed to forgive to find peace but I say die a torturous death you sleazy bastards.
I am so glad that you have gotten away from that past to the point that you can be happy and healthy. God Bless You.
This woman’s story breaks my heart into a million pieces.
I am so glad she’s found happiness and is raising two beautiful daughters.
Thank you.
The courage it must have taken you to overcome those memories. I can’t even imagine. Actually, I can, but not to that extent. I fear for my daughters’ safety when they are away from me. I’m so sorry that your mother didn’t do the same for you. We all should be honored; body, mind, and spirit. It kills me to know that the truth is otherwise.
I’m so scared as I approach the age when I was abused with my girls-how to stifle my growing paranoia and fear for them, how to teach caution around all men without taking it too far.
I’m lucky it wasn’t my parents. I am so sorry for all you went through, and glad you’ve come out the other side. I remember that relief when my abuser died as well-it flared and burned in my chest, and I’ve always held that close.
I’m so sorry you had to live through such ugliness. No one should ever have to experience that. No one.
I am cheering for your ability to move on victoriously and raise your girls in a loving home.
Thank you for sharing this.
That makes me absolutely sick and heartbroken for you. And angry. I don’t know how you cope with this past, but I do hope you cope well. Thank you for sharing your story – it is the story of too many children.
As a society, we forget that things like this occur every single day.
How in God’s name do we forget that, how??
I applaud you in your choice to not be a victim, but please never deprive yourself a voice in doing so; purge, purge, purge. Thank you for being so bold with your story.
I’m so sorry.
My daughter is ten. I can’t begin to imagine what life was like for you. I wish we could collectively take away the damage that was done.
Thank you for having the courage to share this piece of your story.
you are a hero.
for breaking the cycle. for protecting your kids. for speaking out.
a true hero.
thank you.
I am so sorry. Your story is shocking and appalling and terrible. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I feel so happy that you have come around to such a positive place.
My God. I think that is one of the worst stories I have ever heard from my point of view. I’m so glad you have been able to find life after abuse. Always make sure you let things out when you feel the need. God bless you.
I just threw up. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Shit, that sounds so dumb and trite. Of course I’m sorry. This makes me sick.
I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry.
OMG–you poor thing! It is so shocking and unfair that you had to endure that. I’m so glad to hear that you have overcome all that horror and are living a happy life!!
tragedy comes in all forms. I am glad you are working through this and glad for your daughters to not have a tragic start as you did.
Kudos to your strength , courage and resolve on moving on.
It’s so horrifying to me the evils that some parents are capable of visiting upon their children. Thank you for having the courage to survive, protect your children and to tell your story.
I can hardly breathe.
Thank you for your courage to share your story.
I am glad you have found the happiness that you so rightfully deserve.
Again, thank you and I am so sorry that such evil exists in the world and that you had to endure this.
My (very much younger) sister is 8 1/2. I cannot imagine what I’d do it this happened to her. Thanks for sharing.
Liz
oh, babe
He bet you in card game? To your uncle? I simply do not understand how families can be complicit in this sort of thing. I do not understand them, but I very much understand your breaking the generational curse. Be happy in the notion you have daughters with the naivety you never knew. All power to you. X
Hi Everyone,
Original poster, here. I’d like to apologize to those of you that read this snippet of my life, and it caused you distress of any sort. I’d like to express my utter appreciation for your love and support – that by reading and taking on this pain you have been a great help, both to me and to others who have also suffered from the hands of similar abusive animals.
One thing I have learned is that if I suspect abuse, I speak up. Any of 6 or 7 adults – maybe more – could have stepped in and saved the child I was from these horrors. Mother, Grandmother, my wretched drunk uncle, others – all closed their eyes and ears to keep up the illusion of a normal, happy family.
Evil like this exists, but I now believe that Love can win in the end – and we all can be part of that solution. Peace to you all. ~M.E.
I’ve followed this blog since before the very beginning, but for the first time I’m compelled to comment on it. Every account on here is heart-rending, every story on here is terrible, but this one is…there simply are no words.
As many others have said, that is stunning. I’m absolutely stunned and nauseous like the other posters. It makes me sick. It makes me very, very angry. And all I did was read about, I can’t imagine the strength it would take to overcome such an experience. Thank you very much for sharing your story.
I had a visceral, stomach-churning reaction to your story.
I am happy for you that you’ve broken the cycle. I feel such sorrow for that nine year old.
I celebrate your two daughters’ (deserved) innocence.
My heart breaks while I read this. NO ONE should have to go through this. NO ONE.
My heart is breaking for you, for the woman you are now, and the girl you were then. I will never understand the sickness inside some people…
Thank you for sharing your story here.
you are my hero.
Your story has hit very close to home. Thank you for sharing. I hope I can find the courage to tell my story….one day….soon.
Mine started at 9 and stopped when I fled home at 16. I never returned home again and threatened my stepfather if he laid a hand on my other 3 little sisters. I would go to the police. He was deathly afraid of going to jail. He died 5 years later. My mother? She thought I asked for it and deserved it, I was an evil child. She buried herself in her righteous religion and pretended all was well with the world.
I wish I could say I was brave. Working for a living and going to school at such a young age took it’s toll. I became an alcoholic and drank the pain under. It was only when I was alone I couldn’t live with the memories. I’ve been speaking out for years now. Letting people know this happens, more often than not. My daughter has never known a day of abusive and grew to be a wonderful adult. The abuse stops with us.
Thank you for having the courage to tell your story. I recognize it, know the horror. It’s testament of your courage you never let your memories own you. Peace and love to you dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
Words really fail me, I don’t know that I can accurately express how I feel when reading your story. The courage you show in telling your story is truly overwhelming. You are a survivor and you are strong. Your strength and dedication to your children is evident, and I pray that you will continue to find peace.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. I’m deeply sorry for the pain you’ve endured. The words I have to offer you seem inadequate, but please take some comfort in knowing that we are listening and that we are here. You are very strong and I am proud of you for the new life you have achieved.
Thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine what your childhood must have been like. I am so sorry. What a strong person you are, you have already broken the curse.
{{HUGS}}
I’m so sorry that you had to live through that – but am also amazed at the fact that your life has turned into something so wonderful.
If you don’t feel the need to share these details with your family, then that’s your right. But thank you for sharing it here, and I hope getting it out helped you heal just a little bit more.
Ouch, my soul.
I’m going to vomit. I can’t even imagine… wow, I’m so sorry that anyone could have their childhood so violently ripped away from them.
Stay strong, Miss.
I came here to write a post just like your…the secret I hide and the innocence I thank god every day that my two young daughters still have…
Thank you for your honesty. I’m so sorry that there is someone out there with a story like mine.
i was also abused by my family my dad died a few years ago my stem father who torched me has just died the releive i felt the happiness that i know he cant hurt anyone ever again or find me is a weight of my sholders
You’re brave and strong, and i know that didn’t come easy, nothing worthwhile is ever easily gained. I most sincerely hope your story helps someone else break away from such base and barbaric treatment. Bless you and yours.
Eaton.