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Nine. Nine years old.  How could he.

***

I am posting anonymously simply because of the break I have made from this past, BUY MEBARAL NO PRESCRIPTION. I am married to a wonderful man, and I am currently raising two daughters who know no abuse in their own lives, and who only know that I was estranged from their grandparents when they died. I need to keep it that way forever. It is part of the breaking of this generational curse. I am sure that my father was abused as a child raised in a Catholic orphanage. BUY MEBARAL NO PRESCRIPTION, I offer that as explanation, not excuse.

I find that as I watch my daughters grow, and see how lovely, vulnerable and innocent they are, the hate and horror I feel sometimes overwhelms me and I am compelled to write about it to get it out. I have sent this to you because it helps to know that someone else can read this and know. Maybe knowing that I have not let the abusers take my whole life will help someone else.

My own daughter is now nine years old. .

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Comments

62 comments
Eaton Bennett
Eaton Bennett

You're brave and strong, and i know that didn't come easy, nothing worthwhile is ever easily gained. I most sincerely hope your story helps someone else break away from such base and barbaric treatment. Bless you and yours.
Eaton.

andy
andy

i was also abused by my family my dad died a few years ago my stem father who torched me has just died the releive i felt the happiness that i know he cant hurt anyone ever again or find me is a weight of my sholders

FLO
FLO

I came here to write a post just like your...the secret I hide and the innocence I thank god every day that my two young daughters still have...

Thank you for your honesty. I'm so sorry that there is someone out there with a story like mine.

Sparks
Sparks

Ouch, my soul.

I'm going to vomit. I can't even imagine... wow, I'm so sorry that anyone could have their childhood so violently ripped away from them.

Stay strong, Miss.

Kay
Kay

I'm so sorry that you had to live through that - but am also amazed at the fact that your life has turned into something so wonderful.
If you don't feel the need to share these details with your family, then that's your right. But thank you for sharing it here, and I hope getting it out helped you heal just a little bit more.

Stacie
Stacie

Thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine what your childhood must have been like. I am so sorry. What a strong person you are, you have already broken the curse.

{{HUGS}}

Karen
Karen

Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. I'm deeply sorry for the pain you've endured. The words I have to offer you seem inadequate, but please take some comfort in knowing that we are listening and that we are here. You are very strong and I am proud of you for the new life you have achieved.

Merritt
Merritt

Words really fail me, I don't know that I can accurately express how I feel when reading your story. The courage you show in telling your story is truly overwhelming. You are a survivor and you are strong. Your strength and dedication to your children is evident, and I pray that you will continue to find peace.

Indigo
Indigo

Mine started at 9 and stopped when I fled home at 16. I never returned home again and threatened my stepfather if he laid a hand on my other 3 little sisters. I would go to the police. He was deathly afraid of going to jail. He died 5 years later. My mother? She thought I asked for it and deserved it, I was an evil child. She buried herself in her righteous religion and pretended all was well with the world.

I wish I could say I was brave. Working for a living and going to school at such a young age took it's toll. I became an alcoholic and drank the pain under. It was only when I was alone I couldn't live with the memories. I've been speaking out for years now. Letting people know this happens, more often than not. My daughter has never known a day of abusive and grew to be a wonderful adult. The abuse stops with us.

Thank you for having the courage to tell your story. I recognize it, know the horror. It's testament of your courage you never let your memories own you. Peace and love to you dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo

Mrs. Schmitty
Mrs. Schmitty

Your story has hit very close to home. Thank you for sharing. I hope I can find the courage to tell my story....one day....soon.

Jennifer H
Jennifer H

My heart is breaking for you, for the woman you are now, and the girl you were then. I will never understand the sickness inside some people...

Thank you for sharing your story here.

Sarah
Sarah

My heart breaks while I read this. NO ONE should have to go through this. NO ONE.

mandy
mandy

I had a visceral, stomach-churning reaction to your story.

I am happy for you that you've broken the cycle. I feel such sorrow for that nine year old.

I celebrate your two daughters' (deserved) innocence.

Anon
Anon

I've followed this blog since before the very beginning, but for the first time I'm compelled to comment on it. Every account on here is heart-rending, every story on here is terrible, but this one is...there simply are no words.

As many others have said, that is stunning. I'm absolutely stunned and nauseous like the other posters. It makes me sick. It makes me very, very angry. And all I did was read about, I can't imagine the strength it would take to overcome such an experience. Thank you very much for sharing your story.

M.E.
M.E.

Hi Everyone,
Original poster, here. I'd like to apologize to those of you that read this snippet of my life, and it caused you distress of any sort. I'd like to express my utter appreciation for your love and support - that by reading and taking on this pain you have been a great help, both to me and to others who have also suffered from the hands of similar abusive animals.
One thing I have learned is that if I suspect abuse, I speak up. Any of 6 or 7 adults - maybe more - could have stepped in and saved the child I was from these horrors. Mother, Grandmother, my wretched drunk uncle, others - all closed their eyes and ears to keep up the illusion of a normal, happy family.
Evil like this exists, but I now believe that Love can win in the end - and we all can be part of that solution. Peace to you all. ~M.E.

Watershedd
Watershedd

He bet you in card game? To your uncle? I simply do not understand how families can be complicit in this sort of thing. I do not understand them, but I very much understand your breaking the generational curse. Be happy in the notion you have daughters with the naivety you never knew. All power to you. X

Liz
Liz

My (very much younger) sister is 8 1/2. I cannot imagine what I'd do it this happened to her. Thanks for sharing.

Liz

Natalia
Natalia

I can hardly breathe.
Thank you for your courage to share your story.
I am glad you have found the happiness that you so rightfully deserve.
Again, thank you and I am so sorry that such evil exists in the world and that you had to endure this.

Lillian
Lillian

It's so horrifying to me the evils that some parents are capable of visiting upon their children. Thank you for having the courage to survive, protect your children and to tell your story.

Cat
Cat

tragedy comes in all forms. I am glad you are working through this and glad for your daughters to not have a tragic start as you did.

Kudos to your strength , courage and resolve on moving on.

Jennifer
Jennifer

OMG--you poor thing! It is so shocking and unfair that you had to endure that. I'm so glad to hear that you have overcome all that horror and are living a happy life!!

Aunt Becky
Aunt Becky

I just threw up. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Shit, that sounds so dumb and trite. Of course I'm sorry. This makes me sick.

I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry.

FreedomFirst
FreedomFirst

My God. I think that is one of the worst stories I have ever heard from my point of view. I'm so glad you have been able to find life after abuse. Always make sure you let things out when you feel the need. God bless you.

Sarah Pare
Sarah Pare

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Stimey
Stimey

I am so sorry. Your story is shocking and appalling and terrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I feel so happy that you have come around to such a positive place.

brandi
brandi

you are a hero.

for breaking the cycle. for protecting your kids. for speaking out.

a true hero.

thank you.

nancwriter
nancwriter

I'm so sorry.

My daughter is ten. I can't begin to imagine what life was like for you. I wish we could collectively take away the damage that was done.

Thank you for having the courage to share this piece of your story.

Jett
Jett

As a society, we forget that things like this occur every single day.

How in God's name do we forget that, how??

I applaud you in your choice to not be a victim, but please never deprive yourself a voice in doing so; purge, purge, purge. Thank you for being so bold with your story.

Karen Sugarpants
Karen Sugarpants

That makes me absolutely sick and heartbroken for you. And angry. I don't know how you cope with this past, but I do hope you cope well. Thank you for sharing your story - it is the story of too many children.

Lex ~ @laprimera
Lex ~ @laprimera

I'm so sorry you had to live through such ugliness. No one should ever have to experience that. No one.

I am cheering for your ability to move on victoriously and raise your girls in a loving home.

Thank you for sharing this.

thordora
thordora

I'm so scared as I approach the age when I was abused with my girls-how to stifle my growing paranoia and fear for them, how to teach caution around all men without taking it too far.

I'm lucky it wasn't my parents. I am so sorry for all you went through, and glad you've come out the other side. I remember that relief when my abuser died as well-it flared and burned in my chest, and I've always held that close.

Sugar Jones
Sugar Jones

The courage it must have taken you to overcome those memories. I can't even imagine. Actually, I can, but not to that extent. I fear for my daughters' safety when they are away from me. I'm so sorry that your mother didn't do the same for you. We all should be honored; body, mind, and spirit. It kills me to know that the truth is otherwise.

sizzle
sizzle

This woman's story breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I am so glad she's found happiness and is raising two beautiful daughters.

Coco
Coco

It amazes me how cruel, brutal and totally sick some people are. They have no regard for life, love and their children. Why bother having them. Why not give them away for a better life. I know you are supposed to forgive to find peace but I say die a torturous death you sleazy bastards.

I am so glad that you have gotten away from that past to the point that you can be happy and healthy. God Bless You.

Screwed Up Texan
Screwed Up Texan

I understand the need to be estranged from my own family, and I think you hit it on the spot when you wrote--"It is part of the breaking of this generational curse."

When I think of my own family and the abuse I endured as a child and teen, and then as an adult trying to break free from them and the guilt they attempted nearly daily to put upon me for being loyal to my own family (my children and husband) I realize that the only way I can beat this cycle of abuse--a curse indeed--is to live my life without them.

Thank you for being strong and for also sharing your story.

Mojo
Mojo

Nine. Nineteen. Three. Twelve. No matter the age, this.should.not.be. The horror and the fear and the shame... they're always the same. The dysfunction it causes later varies in severity, but it's always there. A persistent, underlying evil current... a buzz in the mind that won't stop. Ever.

But you can muffle it. And you have. Channeling it away from you, not allowing it to pollute the mainstream of your life. Not letting it poison your marriage or your children. It requires a lot of strength to go this way. To shield those close to you means carrying most of the load yourself. Or with the help of a few trusted others. I hope that by posting here, you've expanded that circle of trust. I hope it's helped you bear that burden you choose to bear virtually alone.

Because I still hear so.much.pain in your voice. So much that's never been resolved, and now may never be. I hope the hurt will heal, even knowing the scar will never go away. You should never have been put through this by someone you were supposed to be able to trust. But at least you know -- or you seem to -- that you were not at fault, not to blame.

I wish you peace, what peace you can find. And I thank you for your story. It's tragically common, and some of the ones who have had the same experience never break the "vow" of silence. Perhaps now they can. If nothing else, you've let them know that they're not the only ones.

Thank you.

krista
krista

i just feel like cussing a whole lot.
nine.

Nicole
Nicole

While I know that you have triumphed beyond this (thank God!), I have to say how very sorry I am that this ever happened to you. It's way more than anyone should have to endure, much less at such a tender age.

I'm sure it does make your blood boil to put your children's faces on your experience. that's yet another way that illustrates how your abusers haven't "taken" your life.

I'm glad that you were able to end your horrific situation without adding further harm to yourself, such as actually killing or injuring him and ending up in prison over it. (Though I was not sexually abused, I know what it's like to want to kill the abuser. You just want it to STOP once and for all.)

I'm very happy that you have found someone to love and appreciate you and that you now have your own children to love. Further proof that the cycle CAN BE BROKEN is why you're sharing your story is so very important.

May you continue to enjoy the peace and happiness you deserve.

Rachel K
Rachel K

I am not sure what to say but wanted to post something. I am so incredibly sorry to that 9 year old girl who had to live through that. I can completely understand the need to get it out but in a way that is still separate from your life now.

That you lived through that and did not give in to that darkness is a triumph. I also wish you peace.

Jill
Jill

This story gave me chills. How anyone could do something like that to a child, let alone their own child, is beyond my comprehension. I wish you peace.

Kristie
Kristie

I am astounded...and speechless. I am so, so sorry for the little girl who endured and I am awed by the woman you have become.

AmazingGreis
AmazingGreis

Wow, just wow. I can not even begin to imagine having to go through anything of this nature EVER, more less as a child. So sorry and so happy that you no longer endure the torture.

XOXO

Lori Prude
Lori Prude

You are so brave. Your kids are lucky to have such an amazing Mom. Stay Strong!

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