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I recall deciding not to care. My brain went dark. I shut off the hurt, threw down the burden, and started thinking of a way out. Two weeks later, we had ‘the conversation.’ Telling him I was out of the marriage was frightening, there could have been dangerous battle as a result and I could have easily wound up with his hands around my neck, again. Once the words were out of my mouth though, something left him, deflating him somehow. I’d crushed him, which was shamefully satisfying.
It was hard as hell walking out that door. It was hard as hell admitting I’d failed at marriage. It was hard as hell living on bare bones and hope for months on end. It is hard as hell sharing custody of our boys with him. It’s hard as hell writing a check out to him every month for his support. But ‘hard as hell’ isn’t really hell. I should know, because I lived there for far too many years. It’s possible to get out of hell, and it’s almost never too late.
This blogger asked to remain anonymous because she has never mentioned any of this on her own blog..
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Your story is inspirational to me. I have no idea if it is my story or not. I've never been good enough, but he's not violent. I'm not into BDSM & he is, but he's never brought Subs home. I think I'm here doing these things for him willingly, but it wasn't that long ago that these same things made me burn with anger. Now that they don't upset me so, I don't know if it's because he's broken me or because I've seen the light and he was right all along. Ugh. I wish I knew if I was someone who has a story to submit or not.
Holy Hell. Bless you for getting the f&#* out of there. And congratulations to the man who gets you now!
glad you are out, that you are happy, that you've found peace. i hope you can do something to stop the visitation with him... no child needs to be exposed to that kind of life.
Oh my god, I'm speechless. You're paying him? Shared custody? I know real world solutions aren't perfect, but . . . . I'm not even sure I should say this, though. Because getting out was the main thing, and you're safe now. Wow. Thanks for sharing.
Like everyone else is saying, you did not fail at marriage. He failed at being a human being.
I'm so sorry for the pain you endured.
I'm so happy for you that you got out.
I'm appalled that you have to pay him even one cent. That seems wrong on many levels to me, but I know you do what you have to do.
Thank you for sharing your story and for showing everyone reading your story that it is possible to get out of a lousy marriage and survive.
What a horrifying story - as they all are.
But please realize something - YOU did not fail at marriage. HE did. A marriage requires two partners, and someone who treated you so inhumanely doesn't qualify as anything even close to a partner.
What an amazingly strong woman you are.
What an amazing woman you are. I'm so happy that you have left that awful situation and are moving on with your life. You're a hero!
take pride that you got yourself and your children away. You are a shining example to them that anything is possible and there is no such thing as 'NEVER'.
Congratulations, you are strong, independent woman.
I am so sorry you and your kids went through such hell. I sincerely hope he's a better father than he was a husband. Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
You did not fail, you were so strong for getting out like you did. Thank you for being brave enough to share this story
I thank my lucky stars I haven't gone through that and I want to thank you and all of the people who share their stories because I am now at least aware that if this were to happen to me, I am not alone. Congrats on getting out!
Bless you for sharing your story with us. You exemplify the occasion when the right thing to do is get out. For yourself, for your children. At whatever cost. You demonstrate a strength, perseverance and resilience that will save others.
RT @MaggieDammit Logging off bc vultures-picking-at-#blogher shtick making me sad. Pls spport today's survivor http://tinyurl.com/nxwa22
RT @MaggieDammit Logging off bc vultures-picking-at-#blogher shtick making me sad. Pls spport today's survivor http://tinyurl.com/nxwa22
You are a hero to me. Not in the celebrity way, but in the Medal of Honor definition of going above and beyond the call of duty. Your spirit not only survived this season, but is thriving and generously giving to others. Sharing your story is a big deal, and I too am very proud of you for that. Moreso for your deeds and motives. I count you a treasure of humanity.
Anonymous, you didn't fail and I hope you can one day get past feeling like you gave up loving/respecting him. He didn't deserve your love or respect. He failed you miserably. You are a bright shining light in sharing your story and for having the courage to find a new beginning for you and your boys. You are strong. I wish you peace, healing and harmony.
Jeez! My heart goes out to you and your kids. I hope you are all getting therapy, because that kind if insanity leaves deep scars. Alanon and Alateen really do help. And I have a great lawyer if you want to deny visitation . I have had custody of my niece for 16 years, and can deny visitation if either parent is abusing alcohol or drugs.They haven't visited once. But that genetic factor of alcholism/addiction will haunt all of us forever.
Anonymous, please realize you did not fail. You succeeded in that you removed your children (at least part time) from that situation. You showed them that no one should tolerate this type of abuse. Thank you for sharing your story.
What fool of a judge decided that disgrace to men would be an acceptable father? Ugh! I hope his newest girlfreind got away too. I'm so glad you are free and I will pray for your kids to be free as well.
so often we find ourselves settling for less than we think we deserve because, fundamentally, we fear failure. i watched this with my own mother. her staying because she just couldn't fail. not again. she couldn't ask for help because that meant she failed at taking care of herself, failed at protecting me, proved her parents right that she was incapable of succeeding.
the fact that you got out, that you are here writing about it, that you deal with it still on a daily basis is, by the way, the complete opposite of failure.
you have succeeded.
and you have helped someone today. i feel it, i know it, i can practically taste it.
and maybe you saved a mother (or a father). which means you saved her/his children.
i am filled with pride for you, anonymous. filled.
I have to be careful what I say here, because I do know you, and knew part of this story before. But not this much. Not this part. And as much admiration as I had for you before, it's only multiplied now.
And I get the part about the money. I know myself that there are some prices that are worth paying for the right reasons, even if they're not "small".
When you told me you'd sent in your story, you said you hoped it would help someone else. And trust me, it will. Someone is living this very life right now. Someone who hasn't yet reached the point you finally did. Someone who hasn't found the strength to leave, or that hasn't yet figured out that it's not her fault. Someone who perhaps believes all the things she's been told -- is still being told -- and can't figure out how to "be better". Someone who hasn't figured out that there's no way to be "good enough" in the eyes of that one.
You've become the girl who "saved you" to someone today. But because you had the guts to face the truth, you get to do what she did without the bruises and broken bones. Which makes me stupid happy, because you did enough of that already.
Thank you. Your kind of story is what makes VU work, makes it what it is. And you've just made more of a difference than you'll ever fully realize.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes. Bless you.
wow. i'm glad you walked away. but i hope in the future you won't have to share your boys with him, as bad as it sounds, they shouldn't have to be around someone like that. i wish you all the best.
Thanks for your kind words.
Yes - payment. I'm the one with the full-time job and benefits, not him. I couldn't allow my children to live part-time in a home where there was no money coming in and with someone who could easily bash me to them as being unsupportive. It could happen, and that check I write each month is a partial guarantee hat it won't. I have a little more than 2.5 years left on the payment agreement; who knows what will happen after that?
In fairness, my story is even more complicated than what's put forth here; but let's just say that there was enough blame to go around for the dissolution of several marriages. I had my part in it as well, because I'd just given up on trying to love or respect him, and that is an awful way to feel.
Anonymous, you didn't fail at marriage - that is NOT what marriage is.
Your courage is evident is every word. I don't know you and yet I'm sitting here *proud* of you.
Thank you for sharing here.
YOU have to pay this SOB?! You?! Good God and people say divorce laws always fall in favor of "the woman."
I am so sorry that you had to endure this and that you still have to endure it by shelling out cash to this monster. It's blood money, plain and simple. But, if that is what it takes to keep you and your children out of that ungodly horrible situation, then I guess it's worth every cent.
Thank you for having the courage to get out, speak up and be heard. Hopefully, it has been a cathartic experience for you. I know it will help someone else. It sounds like you have found the peace and happiness you so richly deserve. Amen!