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If you think that having the girl protected me, you would be so very wrong. There were still the 3 a.m, BUY ELDEPRYL NO PRESCRIPTION. 3-hour brow-beatings, there was still the wall-punching and the name calling, the threats and insinuations. There was still the overarching responsibility of making him happy’ so that he wouldn’t HAVE to get angry. For three years I lived this way, until the final straw occurred. It was a cereal flake, actually, or his perceived lack of them, that broke me. The lack of cereal, to him, was all my fault. That lack of cereal threw him into a fury, he screamed obscenities, hurled epithets, blasted me with insults. It was the first time he’d behaved like this when the kids were awake, and I knew for sure they could hear every foul word boiling from him.
I recall deciding not to care. My brain went dark. I shut off the hurt, threw down the burden, and started thinking of a way out. Two weeks later, we had ‘the conversation.’ Telling him I was out of the marriage was frightening, there could have been dangerous battle as a result and I could have easily wound up with his hands around my neck, again. Once the words were out of my mouth though, something left him, deflating him somehow. I’d crushed him, which was shamefully satisfying.
It was hard as hell walking out that door. It was hard as hell admitting I’d failed at marriage. It was hard as hell living on bare bones and hope for months on end. It is hard as hell sharing custody of our boys with him. It’s hard as hell writing a check out to him every month for his support. But ‘hard as hell’ isn’t really hell. I should know, because I lived there for far too many years. It’s possible to get out of hell, and it’s almost never too late.
***
This blogger asked to remain anonymous because she has never mentioned any of this on her own blog..
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Your story is inspirational to me. I have no idea if it is my story or not. I've never been good enough, but he's not violent. I'm not into BDSM & he is, but he's never brought Subs home. I think I'm here doing these things for him willingly, but it wasn't that long ago that these same things made me burn with anger. Now that they don't upset me so, I don't know if it's because he's broken me or because I've seen the light and he was right all along. Ugh. I wish I knew if I was someone who has a story to submit or not.
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