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Thank you so much to all who posted a supportive comment! I feel your love and I hear what you are saying: there is no need for shame.
I agree that not all who suffer from PTSD are violent. I think in the men in my family it was a strong contributing factor & it's what made them unable to heal without professional therapy even when they realized how much they hurt those they loved.
I wrote my story in the spring and it was published in September.
All along I was working on all these issues. The shame evaporated. I learned to be gentle to myself. I started demanding respect from all walks of my life. I opened up to love again.
Telling my story publicly, even if it was anomynously, helped tremendously. It made me stronger.

Thank you all for reading, for listening, for caring, for carrying me into health! I love you for real!

Good for you! Thanks for sharing your story - polished or not, it doesn't matter. Speaking out is certainly a way of moving forward.

You are a remarkable woman. You survived! When words are as heartfelt as these, no polish is necessary.

You broke that cycle, you have made a deep and lasting mark not just on your family now but on generations to come. I am so sorry for what you had to overcome but I'm glad that you did.

I don't know if something like "congratulations" is appropriate, but that what I think. I want to congratulate you for stopping the cycle, and for being proud of that. I know feelings aren't something we can rationalize away, but I hope that pride in doing what you set out to do can counter the shame that you feel is holding you back. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and everything to be proud of.

I am so proud of you for breaking the chain of violence and shedding your shell of shame.

The truth of what you write is more important than if you see it as polished or not.

The shame is the thing that keeps people from moving forward, you have done so well for yourself, for your children, you have stopped the cycle. When you are ready, begin to let go of the shame a little at a time so you can begin to become a whole person again, willing to be open and embrace others and willing to let go of the lonliness and risk letting others in.

You have my admiration for doing something many cannot do, myself included... kudos to you.

There is no shame in stopping the cycle of abuse.
You are strong and courageous.
Thank you for sharing your story.

You did what you needed to do for your children - obviously. I'm proud of you. Be proud of yourself too honey. It's not an easy thing that you did.

That is HUGE. let your shame fall away...you are amazing.

Good for you! It is finished.

Stopping the cycle is the hardest and bravest thing you can do. There is no shame in anything that happened. Somethings were beyond your control. You are a wonderful person and I hope for you to find peace.

RT @MaggieDammit Please support today survivor: http://bit.ly/itMzv

Bravo for breaking the cycle

RT @MaggieDammit: One last thing, for my birthday? Please support today's survivor: http://bit.ly/itMzv

One last thing, for my birthday? Please support today's survivor: http://bit.ly/itMzv

Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.

So, so proud.

I was the “referee” for many years between my parents, starting at a very young age. I know the guilt you can feel because of it. You did not fail and you definitely have no shame to bear!

In fact, you should be pretty proud of yourself about now. You have stepped up and spoken out. You have officially said “no more.” By doing so, I hope you are continuing to free yourself of the emotional burdens that seem to still weigh you down. (A few years ago, I took myself down “memory lane” and as painful as it was, the crap I’ve been able to shed since has been amazing.) It’s not easy but you are doing it. Keep doing it. The worst thing that happens to any survivor is to continue to pay a penalty throughout your life for a crime that was never even yours.

Only you know what can make you comfortable but sometimes, to get what we want, you have to go outside that comfort zone. I hope you will do that. And I hope you can find the peace and happiness that have wrongfully been denied you.

You're awesome. There's is no shame in how you've lived. There's much to be proud of.

Maybe you don't need me to point this out. Or maybe there's something not in your story that's at the root of it. Or maybe somebody else pointing it out is exactly what's called for here. Whatever the "maybes" are, I feel compelled to (re)state the "definitely" obvious. There isn't any cause for you to feel ashamed. I wish I knew where that comes from, because it's such a common theme in these stories. No 11-year-old kid should be given the job of referee. No way is that in the job description. And at some level, you must know this. The logic in it is inescapable. Children do not raise their parents. It doesn't work that way, it's not the Order of Things.

And yet, somehow the children put in that position feel as if they failed. But if they did it's because they were set up to fail. By being put in a job they were in no way equipped for and should not have been given in the first place.

So let me spell it out for you in the simplest, most unambiguous terms I can.

You did not fail.

You are not to blame.

And you have overcome.

And there is absolutely no shame in that. No guilt, no culpability, no requirement of contrition, no need for absolution.

If anything the diametric opposite is true. Those who hurt you, who placed you in an untenable situation, should be seeking absolution from you. Whether they do or not, it would do you good to grant it... even if it's only in your own heart. And while you're doing that, perhaps you'll forgive yourself for whatever transgressions you feel you've committed.

It's good and admirable to own the responsibility for whatever you may have done. But at best it serves no purpose for you to carry the guilt of others as your own. And at worst it damages you in ways you may not even recognize.

You've raised your children gently, broken the cycle of violence that's gone before for generations. Now, can you show a little of that gentleness to yourself? I hope so. Because that makes "alone" a different thing from "lonely". (Just trust me on this one okay?)

Thank you for bringing your story here, for showing the world that the cycle doesn't have to continue. Thank you for telling it, but most of all thank you for having it to tell. Thank you for chipping away another piece of the problem and stopping the violence in one small part of the big reality. Because that is the only way the bigger problem can be defeated. One family, one survivor at a time.

I hope this has been helpful for you. I hope you'll realize that all the people who comment here are telling you the same thing you've been trying to tell yourself. Most of all I hope you find the peace and the love in your life that you desire.

Thank you for sharing your story. It was very powerful. The internet is a beautiful place to meet people and be less lonely. I'd feel terrible if it wasn't for my friends on Twitter. It's different there. You can be who you really are, or who you want to be.

{{hugs}}

So glad to you hear stopped the trend...

You are very brave for coming forward and sharing your story. There are no rules, it doesn't have to be "polished". Having the courage to speak out is something you should be very proud of. Be thankful that the cycle of abuse has stopped. Your children will never have to experience what you went through. Honey, 50 is young! You have plenty of life yet to live. I hope you continue on your path to healing.

Thank you for sharing - your story, your courage and yourself. You are amazing!

Quiet heroism rings out, strong and true, and yours resounds in the happy lives and the comfortable ease of your children. And I hope that the ease is yours, as well, very soon.

Brava.

Kudos for standing up, at age 11 and every age in between. Your strength shines through these words.

I feel obligated to point out, though, that there is no causal link between PTSD and domestic violence. In your case, PTSD might very well have been a contributing factor or a trigger, I don't argue that, and it might certainly be a factor in other instances of domestic violence. But not everyone who suffers from PTSD is abusive towards themselves or their families or others. I think it's important to make that clear.

Thank you for sharing.

"I STOPPED THE ABUSE IN MY FAMILY!" Awesome words from a strong person who endured the overcame.

Thank you for sharing!

-Chris

Who needs polish? I felt every word of this. Hope you find a way to heal and find a way out of your lonliness. You deserve that. We all do.

Stopping the abuse cycle is AWESOME, you should be very proud. Your words really hit home for me..the shame, the wretched, acidic shame, it often seems relentless. But as you said, it is up to us to stop the abuse cycle. I talk to my fiancee about this every few days..we don't have kids yet but someday we will. And they will not be afraid of us, they will know we love them. That's one of the most important things in my life. We MUST stop these generations of abuse, it is our responsibility to protect our children, to question the way we were raised and to do it differently if need be. Don't feel guilty about turning your dad away..my dad is much like yours and he is very "hurt" that I've limited our relationship...but he is the one who has refused to make healthy choices about how he treats his family. Thank you for sharing your story. ~Susan