Anonymous
I ask to remain anonymous because I have never mentioned any of this
on my own blog.
For some reason what I remember most is the shower afterward. It was
my second shower of the evening, the first one having been minutes
before “it” happened. I was living in my dorm room at college at the
time, and while I had a single room (no roommate), I shared the
bathroom with the girl next door. Because of this, you couldn’t lock
the doors from the inside, only from the outside, so even though I had
long since kicked him out and locked my front door, I still felt like…
I don’t know. It was as if I kept seeing shadows out of the corners of
my eyes – movement where there wasn’t any – and I’d jump every time.
Normally I shower with the bathroom door open – who’s there to see me?
– but this time I wedged it shut.
I felt… numb. Cold, even though the air was warm. I stripped, and I
recall the feeling of his semen dripping down my legs.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything more disgusting in my life.
I showered with the water as cold as possible. I wanted to feel the
icy rush all over my body, washing his scent away from me. I scrubbed
so hard I thought my skin would peel off and be washed down the drain.
I remember the exact moment that it became rape.
His hands were FREEZING – they usually were cold, but they were more
so that night because he’d been outside. He kept squeezing my breasts
and kissing my neck and I was just staring, staring up at the ceiling,
trying to move anything, even a finger, and not remembering how. I
couldn’t even seem to THINK properly.
I’m not sure what I was expecting to happen. But when he started
fumbling with his pants, I think I knew.
To be honest, it was like I was watching a really bad movie with poor
taste and a drunken camera man. I just kept looking up at the ceiling,
completely focused on it, but I could hear his heavy breathing, and
the bed kept shifting with his movement.
He slid my pants down and fingered me for a minute or so before he
pushed my legs farther apart. Then he pushed himself inside of me.
And it hurt. It hurt so badly. And it was weird because it shouldn’t
have hurt – I wasn’t exactly a virgin – but it did; it ached and
scratched, like sandpaper.
Then he started, well, moving. Going through the motions. And I just
stayed there, still staring at the ceiling. I felt like I was chafing,
it hurt so bad. He made the most awful grunting/moaning noises…
He finished very quickly. Then he rolled over onto his side and curled
up into a little ball, breathing deeply. I didn’t know what to do. I
think I was in shock – just sort of lying there.
I’m not sure how long that lasted. At some point I sat up and told him
to get the fuck out. Those were my exact words – “get the fuck out.” I
remember he looked at me like he was going to reply, but he just left.
I just sat there for a minute, staring at the TV, which was directly
across from my bed. I’d been watching NCIS – the weirdest detail to
remember from the whole experience, but there you are. Eventually I
got up and locked the door behind him. Then, without even pausing to
think about what happened, I started up the water for a shower.
24 Responses to “Anonymous”
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I just wanted to tell you how brave I think you are, for speaking out. You are not alone, though I am sure that is a small comfort at times. Sending you good, healing thoughts this day.
Sometimes the weirdest details are what keep us sane. Thanks for sharing your experience. Wishing you well.
Sending you thoughts and well wishes in your courage to speak-out.
Sweetheart, God Bless you. You are obviously a brave woman of strength to face this head on. I pray for your continued healing and inner peace. May 2010 be a new year with a new start that brings you to the place you need to be. Hugs to you, Lisa
You are brave and amazing. I have been where you were and I know how it felt. You are through the other side. Thank you for sharing and keep moving forward.
i’m sad for the girl you lost. i’m also sad this story didn’t shock me, even a little. it’s so common. even the fact that my first time was actually rape is common.
i’m so glad you told your story here. yours is the kind we need to acknowledge the most, i think. the deadliest one. not strangers, but people we know.
brave, you.
Thank you for having the grace to share this. So many are silent, embarrassed, second guessing themselves. Here’s my prayer for a day that no woman has to tell this tale ever again. And a mother’s hug and prayer for you. Been there.
I agree, that when you ‘know’ the person, it is such a sense of bewilderment. I fully agree. Thank you for sharing, for being brave, and I wish you peace!
Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
You are so brave and strong. Thank you for having the courage to speak out.
I hope that you can eventually find peace with this horrible experience. If you have not done so, please consider discussing this with a counselor, a therapist, a pastor, or all three. Sharing your story here is an excellent step in the right direction. God’s blessings to you. And thank you for writing this.
Your description of a bad movie with a drunken camera operator comes through in your words. And I don’t know what’s sadder, the fact that you have the story to tell or the fact that you still seem numbed by it.
I hope the shadows at the corner of your eyes fade in time. I hope the fear that keeps them there can be replaced. Replaced with something sustaining, something healing. I hope you can find the peace to trust again, and most of all that you find someone worthy of that trust.
Because you deserve that much. You deserve to be able to live free of the fear and the second guessing and the doubt.
Thank you. Your courage in speaking out is a beacon to someone else, someone less sure about exactly what to call what happened to her.
Much Love.
Sending you love and a huge hug. I’m so very sorry.
I’m so very sorry. You are brave for sharing.
Know that you are loved and valued and worth being treated right. You are special.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Hoping you get a little bit of peace from sharing.
I really admire your courage in sharing your story here. Each time you share it, it’s reclaiming what he took from you. Best wishes as you continue in your quest for peace. And thank you.
Bless you for your courage. I’m sorry there’s so much pain and suffering in this world, but I’m glad you were able to share your story here. I pray for your continued healing.
I salute your courage. You are brave, and wonderful, and I hope that you find peace.
I am so sorry for your experience. It takes a lot of courage to share your story. Thanks for sharing so others know they are not alone. I hope you’ve been able to cry over it with a good friend. It really does help. Sending you peace and warm wishes for the new year.
Thank you for sharing this. With each voice we hear, I hope that brings us a step closer to these things not happening again. It is also well written and evokes some very powerful images. The shower is perfect for this – a place of private retreat where we can remove the things that need to be removed, or at least try. Thanks again.
I hope this telling releases something in you. You deserved none of what happened. none of it.
thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for speaking out here, Anonymous.
I am so sorry for what happened to you. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Wishing you only peace from here on out. Take care.
Thank you.