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My fourteen-year-old brother glanced between us, confused.
I hid, burrowed in soft dead leaves under a thick bush. I never wanted to come out.
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Sometimes, after I come, I cry. Sometimes I feel nauseated. Sometimes I curl away from my husband and shake. “I’m sorry,” I want to say. When I do say it, he sighs softly. How could he understand.
These are sometimes thoughts. Sometimes pains.
I am a mosaic. When I squint at the mirror, I am whole. I am not pain. I am not shame. I am not pride. I am not beauty. I am a million little things. My voice is soft.
This is who I am.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Thank you. For being brave. For speaking. For letting me hear. You have help me with your brave heart. I am sending the strength you give me back. Fight on girl. With love
This story makes me feel weird, because I empathize with you and your husband both. I never know what to say when my husband tries to hide his face and apologize after we have sex. So I always say "I love you," and hope that gives comfort. Still, it's strange that I know I would be the one doing it if he wasn't. Seeing it in him helps me realize how unfair and wrong it is that either of us should feel that way.
One thing about the incident with your mom - "losing her cool?" That isn't losing your cool. In my opinion, a mother who had any cool to begin with would not do such a thing. That shows some serious underlying problems on her part. It's good to forgive, but justifying the guilty party in any way always leaves you with some of the blame. And none of it is yours.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for having the courage and honesty to eloquently share your story. You put into words things I have been feeling for years, but couldn't find the right words to string along that would convey my emotion. I hope this brings you peace and may your mosaic shine on..
Thank you. I have felt guilty because I have felt so bad about abuse that wasn't "that bad." You have a great way of expressing it and a beautiful soul.
I do understand. I haven't let many men near me, but even when I have dreams or manage by myself, I end up crying, and I have to be careful, because it can turn into a days-long suicidal bend. It's one of the reasons I stay alone. If I can barely handle this, how could I expect someone else to? I only can send you the best wishes ever that the backwash becomes shorter or disappears completely. I hope your husband can find someone (maybe at the counseling center) so he can process the secondary effects.
Sending you love, and I am glad you were brave enough to speak. Progress, right?!? :0)))
You can't really rank trauma into "big" or "little" because the trauma breaks us, it rips us apart, it shatters a bit of our souls. It is real.
These little things matter. You matter.
Your voice is soft, but it is also strong.
I have flashes of the little moments from my childhood. You are not alone.
Oh this brought back a memory that is not too far below the surface. My father died when I was 4 1/2. I begged my Mom to let me sleep with her. Every night. Over and over. The doctor said it wouldn't be healthy. (Early '60's). Finally, she relented. For some reason, I stuck my hand down my pajamas. It's a security thing, I know. She got so angry. She yelled and said "You're playing with yourself?" That's nasty. I will never forget that as long as I live. As a Mom, when my son asked to sleep in our bed? No hesitation. I gave him the security he needed.
I hate this happened to you...and I understand. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone with this one. ♥
This is beautifully written. I love the mosaic imagry as well. I believe that even as we heal and grow and learn, we never lose that part of us that has been wounded, but we can learn to handle it gently and lovingly.
Thank you so much for sharing this. The little things DO matter and they DO make us into who we are. Hugs to you.
Thanks so much for telling this. I have "little" things too, some that go with my big things, and some that stand alone. I think the only indicator of whether something matters is how YOU feel about it. You say if it mattered or not. You experienced it.
You're very, very brave, and so very strong.
Thank you so much for sharing, these things haunt and hurt, and so they are not "little", they matter. You are wonderful for sharing your story, thank you xo
"Sometimes men make me nervous the way dogs make me nervous. I know it’s probably fine but what if, what if, what if. The current of anticipation disrupts the air around me."
That is exactly how I feel, and just could never put it into words.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story.
I never fail to be amazed at how many little things can send me back to the moments in life that I was stolen from myself.
I am heartbroken by your story, and uplifted by your triumph over it.
Mosiac. I am totally borrowing that.
Strength and love.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story... I am one of those "little things" kind of survivors as well.
Stay tough- you are not alone.
I've forgiven and not forgotten, too. I remain silent, even here. Good for you for speaking. It matters.
While I have experienced big, traumatic events, sometimes the little ones haunt you. I have nightmares about a "small" incident as often as I do about my rape / assault.
My thoughts are with you as you deal with it. You certainly aren't alone.
Reading this made me sick to my stomach. It brought back the little things from my own past - the things may or may not be a normal part of growing up but that are so laced with shame that even now I want to puke when I think of it.
I wonder if, like crying, one good puke would get it out of us so we could move on without shame.
I love that you are a mosaic. We all are. This piece is one that catches the light. Thank you for telling your story.
Thank you for sharing. Your words remind me that every action (from the biggest to the smallest)...they matter. Know that I care...