anonymous blogger
In first grade I was wearing a cute little sun dress and I flashed my panties at a boy in class. During recess a group of boys chased me into a corner, held me down, and touched me. I believe that was the
beginning of my struggle with sexuality and that my shame and guilt from that incident set me up to be victimized.
The boy forced me have sex with him even though I didn’t want to — without contraception. Even though it hurt terribly. After we did it once, he told me that unless I kept doing it with him, he’d tell everyone in school about it and I’d look like a slut. All the while, he “went out” with my best friends. When I would resist his attempts, he would first pull my hair, then pinch me, then hit me (only where no
one could see the marks, of course) until I either ran away or did what he wanted. So I usually just did what he wanted.
And it just escalated. He coerced me into having sex with one of his friends with the threat that if I didn’t he’d tell my friends (the ones he’d dated) about how we’d been having sex all along. After I did
it, he then told the guy’s ex-girlfriend about it in order to humiliate us both. He became sadistic, pinching and biting me when we had sex. It hurt so bad I would start crying before we even started.
This went on for over two years until the family moved away. I honestly don’t know how (or if) I would have had the strength to end it until much later — I was just so young! I’m lucky, really, that I had an easy escape. I’m also lucky that I didn’t end up pregnant by that monster before I even got into high school.
This boy had a father who beat his mother. His parents were divorced. He was my age so he was very young, too. All excuses — but not nearly good enough. I can only hope he changed, but how likely is that?
To learn this I went through years of promiscuity (I’ve learned that’s normal for victims of sex abuse) and some bad relationships, and I still suffer from clinical depression. I haven’t found the right man
yet but I am open to the possibility.
I know I can survive ANYTHING.
And I am O.K.!
38 Responses to “anonymous blogger”
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Yes you can survive anything, and we thank you for showing others how to, too! (((HUGS)))
It is so sad when young girls–and even young boys!–are taken advantage of like that, even when it’s by someone their age.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so grateful to be a guardian now to the girl I was. How I’d have kept the boys at bay, the man too. Never again. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and proud that you can now tell the tale. I wish you luck as you try to find a good and healthy relationship.
What a mortifying experience. I understand your reasons for posting anonymously. Hopefully your sharing will help a lot of other people.
Best wishes
Thank you for being strong enough to post this. It breaks my heart to read this.
Reading this was just heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your trauma, Anonymous.
There is nothing I can say. I send you peace and healing and the blessing of a loving, happy relationship in the future.
The right man will find you!
Yes, you are strong, and your story highlights just how children are affected when exposed to violence in the home –
Thank you for having the courage to share your story!
What a heartbreaking story. Thank you for sharing it. You are a true inspiration.
So sorry that you *have* to survive anything. So glad you have. Thanks for sharing your story. Truly brave.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Just a baby yourself – how painful. I am glad you are OK, despite it.
My aunt once said that rape was something all women had to go through. What a terrible thought – when will we put a stop to it.
All I could think as I read the last few paragraphs was how much I hope you have someone around you that you’ve been able to share this with and who supports you. I understand your reasons for remaining anonymous. I get that. But it isolates you to a degree — at least here in the blogging community. I’m not suggesting you “come out”, just hoping that somebody is there. Because it sounds like you had damned little of that early in life and far too damned much that you needed to keep secret. As bad as the abuse was — and I’m not trying to diminish it in any kind of way — the feeling of isolation must have been just as devastating. Nobody should have to shoulder that kind of burden alone — especially not as a child or young teen.
When you find the right one, I suspect that’s how you’ll know it. You’ll know you can trust him (or her — you never know) with this story. And you won’t feel guilty in sharing it, won’t feel ashamed of it, because that one won’t “hold it against you”.
I know all about the tough exterior that says to the world, “I can conquer anything.” And it’s true — it really is. But that same armor keeps a world of pain trapped inside it the same way it keeps the world at bay outside it.
So if you ever need it — or just want it — I’ve got a virtual ear available that’s at your disposal. You may never use it, but maybe just knowing you could if you wanted to will help.
Just sayin’
Yes, you ARE strong enough, and you CAN and DID survive – but having someone to vent to or talk to openly can make a huge difference. I hope you have someone like that in your life.
I do want to add my thank you for sharing your story. Every one of us that speaks out makes a difference to someone, and adds another voice to what used to be total silence.
one of the greatest compliments i’ve ever received was from my eldest son’s girlfriend (at the time)…
…she said, “your sons respect women”.
they do based on my own past, and what i made sure they understood. no means no, married, engaged, dating. if you ever harm a woman or a child, i will destroy you myself. do not allow a woman to hit you. respect yourself, and treat them as you wish to be treated.
i guess it worked.
I’m so sorry you went through that. It especially angers me that you were molested in first grade AT THE SCHOOL and no one did anything. It’s very common for little kids to do “sexual” things when they are too young to understand, and that doesn’t make it okay for anyone – even other kids – to abuse them in any way. That is just rotten.
I’m glad the other boy moved away.
I hope Sara won’t be offended if I add something to her comment:
“My aunt once said that rape was something all women had to go through. What a terrible thought – when will we put a stop to it.”
While I can understand that many women would feel this way, and it is certainly more prevalent than we would like to believe, I still disagree that ALL women have to go through it. I never have, by God’s grace; and to my knowledge none of my sisters or my Mother have. Certainly a gift we are very grateful for. I hope it stays that way. And despite the fact that there will always be evil in the world, I hope the number of women who DO have to go through it diminishes as time goes on.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Your strength and attitude are encouraging.
how horrible,, thanks for sharing your story
Mojo said it so well. Yes, it is understandable why this needs to be anonymous…at the same time the silence of not being able to share it with someone close to you can be just as ugly and horrifying to deal with.
This took tremendous courage to talk about here. I admire the strength it took. Someday maybe you will be able to talk to your mom about it. Heartbreaking for her? Yes, but she’ll also see the strength and commitment of the woman before her.
I’m so very glad you got away from that, no matter how the end came about. I know from my own experience there are good guys out there. It took me forever to discover that after my own abuse. It will and does happen. (Hugs)Indigo
I’m glad you know how strong you are, because you certainly are. I’m glad you shared your story anyway despite your privacy concerns.
Stay strong, and keep looking for that person who may help you complete the healing process. You are better than the hand you were dealt.
You can.
And you will.
Thanks for sharing your story.
You definitely CAN survive anything. Hell, you pretty much have already.
If there can be a bright side to your experience, it’s that you KNOW that and it will not happen to you again. And both because you have become so self-aware, you can share your story and in turn, help others.
I wish you peace and happiness. May the right one come along.
I am so, so sorry this happened to you.
oh, sweet woman to protect your mama like that
The sexual promiscuity is so normal after trauma. I know because I was sexually assualted too, and spent years after giving myself away to mask the pain. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that. I hope you know that none of this was your fault. I hope you find true love.
I’m so sorry.
Good for you! I’m very glad that you’ve been able to recover, and look at your life and understand. (BIG HUGS)
Wow, just wow. You ARE strong. To survive what you went through, and now look at you protecting your mother still after all these years. Karma – may you be paid back 100x over.
I’m so proud of you and happy for you. It’s never too late to start taking care of your inner child!
My heart just broke for you.
I hope the right one comes along. Thank you for speaking out.
I can’t imagine how terrifying that all must’ve been for you. I’m so sorry. It is beautiful to hear that you have found that inner strength to pull yourself through that difficult time.
You ARE ok. My sister and I went through something similar, minus intercourse, as kids with a boy who lived next door, who was a few years older than we were. Neither of us knew until we were grown that he had been doing it to both of us.
We also got away when my mom moved us out of there. We never told her.
Thanks for sharing, and glad you’re ok and able to talk about it now. You’ll find a man one that you trust enough…they’re out there.
Who says the monsters are only in books or movies and don’t exist. For that boy to be so young, so cruel and mixed up, what craziness is this? My 17 year old daughter tells me about girls that she goes to school whose boyfriends hit them and they take it, almost as if it is normal. This can’t be normal and I despair at young girls believing it is. Thank you for sharing your story. I am going to suggest to my daughter next time a friend shares something like this that she give them this website to visit. Hopefully it will save someone.
“I can survive anything” What stong words, how very impressive.
You are so brave and so strong. I’m honored to know you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know there are other women out there, such as myself, that can understand, even if only remotely, what you went through. It is painful. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing your story. I believe you can too!