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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
~~Either go for HELP or LEAVE him TODAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010 by her soon to be ex-
husband. We never thought he would do that...but he MURDERED her. Executed her.
Our family is broken.
Do Not Wait Another Minute .
Hugs from Minnesota.
GET OUT NOW!!!! For the sake of your child. This may force him to get help. As others have said nothing will change, unless both of you want it to. I was not volatile in my relationship, yes I would argue back until I realised that nothing mattered - if he kicked off and I kicked back I got it good, if he kicked off and I did nothing I still got it good.
I left it too long, I thought I could change him, then I thought he would change on his own, then I thought he would change for his child, then I stayed because I thought my daughter needed her father. I thought that until he lost complete control and beat me while I had my daughter in my arms.
He needs help and so do you - you both need therapy. For the sake of your child, get out, seek help separately and if both of you can change to break the cycle of anger and reaction then try again.
I left it too long, since I have left, he has been found guilty and served prison time for Grevious Bodily Harm, he has had abusive relationship after abusive relationship. I learnt that I was not to blame; my daughter is now 16 but has had to grow up and watch her dad do to others what he did to me. She is suffering because her two half-sisters have been removed into care for 18 months and now are going up for adoption because of the violence between her father and his current father.
Despite everything, I cannot hate him - he gave me my beautiful daugther but I regret, every day, that I stayed too long and that my daughter now suffers every day because of the decisions I made.
GET OUT, get help, hope he seeks help and that he can change but above all, you are acknowledging the escalation in his anger and that can only continue one way without help - don't let you or your child be the next thing he punches.
It takes understanding that you truly deserve better... and you do. You have to know that you're worth it... and you are. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are worthy of everything life has to offer. I hope you find the life you deserve... the one that is waiting just around the corner. Best wishes for peace and healing.
There's a saying, from our friends the Quakers, I think: As you pray, move your feet. It means that faith (in this case in a person) in a person's ability is fine, but that faith also requires action like therapy, anger management, addressing the problem with proactive steps. I've been in your situation, not as a wife - but as a child, and I wish that along with the faith and prayer, there had been more feet moving. I wish you well and thank you for opening yourself up to the opinions of others.
I've been there sans children and I stayed far too long.
We all have the instinct of fight or flight and I as everyone else mentioned above, sometimes flight is the ONLY answer.
Because chances are there will come a time when he will turn on you or your child. I work with children and so help me if anyone was to hurt one of "my" kids. As a parent, I also feel that you have a responsibility to protect your child.
There are several free or goodwill offering type peer-to-peer counselling groups nationwide that can help you and him as well. Even if you were to go to couples therapy, you need to work on you. In a case such as this, it's OK to be selfish because in the end, you'll have a better life for you and your child. Never mind him, protect your child and you first and foremost.
Good luck to you, I know it's hard but the day I left was the most freeing day of my entire life, all because I learned how to say no once and for all.
The anger and violence you're living with (and your son is living with) is NOT NORMAL! You are living in a nightmare and as long as you subject yourself to that, you can't make decisions that are based on anything other than terror. And decisions made in that state of mind are simply not wise ones.
Since you asked, here's my advice on how you break the cycle: Do yourself (and your son) a favor and do what you need to do to get some distance from the situation. Find a shelter, go stay with a friend or family member...anything to give yourself some respite from the storm. From a place of emotional and physical safety, you'll find that the right path will become clear to you. Your intellect and instincts will return to you in full force and you'll decide to do the right thing for you and your son.
If hope is appropriate, you'll soon know. If you need to walk away, you'll know that too. Please, just get to a safe place so you can re-learn what it's like NOT to live in a state of constant fear and vigilance. There is a whole big world that is nothing like the hell you're living in now.
"But I wonder how long it will be before it is."
If you've already thought this, it is time to go...most _especially_ if you'd like to salvage the relationship. Move out, take yourself and your son out of harm's way, set up family counseling. If he refuses to go, then there is your answer as to whether or not you should terminate the relationship.
Hope is never stupid. Sometimes the product of our hope is looks entirely different than we convinced ourselves it would. Sometimes we limit ourselves, what we could be and what things could be for us, because the scope of our understanding isn't big enough to accommodate for the wonderfulness that is lying in wait for us.
Don't wait. Go now. I can't stress that enough.
Please e-mail me if you need someone to speak to.
Anonymous: Tornadoes and Volcanoes: We met over ten years ago when we were both pursing post grad... http://bit.ly/f1e10z (@VUnSilenced)
please read this post i wrote a little while ago:
... i left him two years ago, and it still eats at me. how and why did i wait so long to leave him. how i could possibly let it get SO bad. you know, everyone has their own personal breaking points. for me? it was never the rape, or the physical violence. it wasn't the way he'd destroy the things in our home, or the names he'd call me. it wasn't the drug abuse or the subsequent fights.
i gave him permission to destroy me every day for four years. i finally left because he molested my best friend- when i was asleep next to him. i let him beat me down for so long- but the SECOND he turned his rage on someone i cared about, that was it for me. that was MY final straw.
it's sad because i have more self worth than that, i'm better than that. and i only wish it'd had been enough for him to hurt ME for me to finally leave.
everyone has a bottom- it took me four years to hit mine. i only wish i could have seen the evil inside of him sooner- i only wish i would have stopped making excuses and justifying everything fpr him. he always "changed", and things always "got better" - but none of it ever lasted. i finally see that now.
in any case, i wish you strength and love and peace. you'll make the right decision when you're ready to.
you have some excellent advice and resources already in these comments. i wanted to add that you cannot break his cycle. no one can... except for him. so that responsibility is not yours to take on. what you can do is break your own cycle, your own patterns that exist within yourself. and of course, the best way to break your cycle is to leave, seek safety, protect your child and yourself.
and never look back.
i wish you peace.
I want to be supportive of you, but I can't get this out of my head and heart: where is your protective instinct for your child?
Your life is not a pop song about dangerous relationships, but most importantly, your life is not your own because you have a child. Do you really want him to grow up and be his father? Do you want him to think this is normal? Do you want him to end up the kid who shoots his father trying to protect his mother, or the kid who dies at his own father's hand?
I'm sorry if these words sound harsh but PROTECT YOUR CHILD. Sort out the rest later. But please, stop making your child live with your bad decisions, the cost is just far too high for him. You are an adult and can do what you like; he is your child, and he has nobody but you to protect him. PROTECT HIM. Please. Now.
You can have hope, always, but hope by itself is not enough.
You can't change him; only he can do that. You can change yourself. You can refuse to engage in shouting matches. You can walk away, literally and figuratively, when things begin to spiral out of control.
I recommend CoDA (CoDependents Anonymous), a 12-step program for those of us whose 'addiction' is control. And counseling. The only person you can change is yourself. Because you both contribute to your relationship, when you change, the relationship will change. Sometimes it will change the way you hope for, and sometimes it won't.
I wish you all the best. It's a hard road. You can do it.
"Yet I somehow can’t leave, not yet, because I have hope. Is it stupid to have hope? Can volcanoes and tornadoes ever live in the same house?"
it is only stupid to have hope if you are not trying to change anything ... nothing changes if nothing changes. it is time for you both to get past being angry and yelling, and move on to talking and working.
just because he hasn't directed his violence toward you or your son does not mean he has not abused your son. he will learn to fear his father, and he may learn to deal with his anger in the same way. do you want to learn that your grown son has beat his wife because he learned the best way to deal with anger is to hit something?
you all need help to find a better way to deal. I've seen it work. I know a few men with anger issues who have come back from "the dark side" as they call it. they know how to stop the emotions before the emotions stop them. but they had to want the help, and they had to see that the way they were treating their families HAD TO CHANGE.
good luck to you
It is possible to change if it's what both of you want. Seek therapy NOW. Go to both couple sessions and individual sessions. The screaming and verbal attacks need to end NOW. Unless you want this cycle to continue on in your son's future relationships, both of you need to change your behavior.
Work out your issues and form a healthier relationship, or choose to end the relationship and go your separate ways. You have no idea what this type of strife is doing to your kid. End this discord now and seek help.
I am a social worker and was well educated in family violence before my former relationship started. I kept thinking I could just wait for him to understand and get better. In the end I would say that I waited just a little too long. Until there wasn't enough left of me to really count as a whole person for a while. I got better and there was lots of counseling (I did about 6 months before I left - meaning I really tried to fix that marriage and I did about a year after until I was ready to date and move on.) However, a day does not go by that I can't say my decision to leave and break the patterns that held me in that hole of a life. There is so much more out there. If you are as much of a tornado as you say you are, you will make it. You can be happy. You can wake up and love a life you've built for you and your child.
Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Focus on the chapters that deal with what it takes for change. Ask him if he is willing to do what it would take. Do you truly have hope that he can change after reading that? If so, get into a counseling program for abusers and get to work. He won't change without serious work, and if you think he will, just look at the past... has he gotten better or worse in the time you've been together?
It may be a good idea to separate while he works at it too, to make him see that you're serious, and to get your son (and yourself) out of the firing line. As you say, it's just a matter of time. And can you really predict that time? Are you willing to risk being wrong about it?
“My question for you, if you’ll indulge me… as survivors, and former abusers, how do we cross the bridge to break this cycle? How do I translate hope into change? Is that even possible? Ever?”
The line between a crack in a wall and a crack in the skull of a seven year old boy is thin. It only takes a second to cross that line, but once crossed you can never cross back. You have the knowledge and the power to save your son. Don’t blow the opportunity. The consequences are too severe, and the potential loss is too great. You’re playing with fire. You know it. Stop. I strongly recommend that you get counseling for yourself. If you can get your husband to attend counseling, that’s even better. If you want to translate hope into change, and you can, get the professional help that you both need.