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Editor's note: We are running this piece so that its author may find some catharsis and comfort here, but it is not the mission of this site to give advice because we are not experts. Violence UnSilenced is simply a blog, not a panel of trained professionals, and any advice its readers leave is not endorsed by Violence UnSilenced. Also: Women in abusive relationships are six times likelier to be killed during or after leaving their abusers, and so "why doesn't she just leave" is not as simple as it sounds and establishing an escape plan with the help of an expert is a critical component. This subject has been addressed twice on this website, once here, and once here, but most importantly it bears repeating that Violence UnSilenced is NOT intended to take the place of an advocacy organization. Please contact your local domestic violence org for expert advice if you are in a situation like the one described here. You may find additional information and resources here..

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Comments

12 comments
janice
janice

thats hard to see your friend go through it,but its very hardbecause she is afraid of leaving,god is good tell her to consider going to church and pray for the strenght to leave every day,hour ,minute whatever it takes ,she has gotta get sick and tired of being sick and tired ,you can also pray for her,i am a survivor from sexual assault and verbal and physical abuse too, i am writing a book about both,i am here if she needs to just talk ,sometimes we love a person more than we love ourselves and fear keep us from receiving our blessing,if u wanna help try going to god with it ,he can fix it and pray with her and keep the faith.

Gina
Gina

As a survivor of a violent relationship myself, I want to thank you for being the type of friend who ultimately did help me make the right choices for myself. It took time - so much time - for me to come to the place in my life where I could get myself out. But I couldn't have done it if I didn't have my supportive, wonderful friend who I knew I could count on no matter what.

It must be incredibly frustrating to be on the sidelines watching this tragedy unfold before you but rest assured - you ARE making a difference in your friend's life. Stay the course and bless you for your faithful caring.

maggie, dammit
maggie, dammit

I completely agree with the above comment. This number is listed in several places on this site, including the resource page.

Trishk
Trishk

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
They can provide you information on laws, shelters, services in your community.

bad mummy
bad mummy

I have to echo ZoeyJane. An anonymous call to the child welfare office should be made. When I called the police on my then-husband, child welfare followed up within a month because the police knew our daughter was in the house when all the shit went down.

That visit was not fun. I had to strip my daughter down naked (she was 13 months old) so that a nurse and social worker could examine her. I had to provide her dr's name and number so that they could contact him. And, at the end of the visit, they took me aside to offer me advice. They picked up on the fact that I could not make eye contact with my then-husband. It took another 9 months before I could leave, but I left w/o looking back.

Generally, if nothing is amiss, they close the file in six months (as they did with us). If they have concerns, there will be regular contact and, with any luck, some help for this mom who might need to consider that she is placing her children in harm's way by returning to the relationship. If the kids are placed in care because the abusive partner remains in the house, then this mom will have to make a hard decision.

Zoeyjane
Zoeyjane

I don't have advice for your friend, because as others have said, and as so many of us know, if she's going to leave and stay away, ever, it has to be her decision.

However, knowing people who've grown up witnessing abuse, even when it wasn't bestowed upon them personally? My recommendation is that you call child protective services if/when your friend goes back to him. The abuse may easily move onto one, or all, of the kids, and honestly, your friend is choosing to put her children in an abusive environment - she's not ensuring their proper care. At this point, I don't know if she can, really.

Authorities should be alerted that the children are in an unsafe environment, and that another child is soon to come into the mix - which will add more stress to an already-volatile environment. And it CAN be an anonymous call. With the history of charges, it would be looked into right away, and it could have been one of many potential people that would have called, so I wouldn't be too concerned about whether he will know it was you, Anonymous.

pamela ~ the dayton time
pamela ~ the dayton time

It is so difficult to stand by and watch as someone you love is victimized. Have a plan in place so that if and when she is ready to leave, you don't have to think, you can just DO.

L.R.
L.R.

Your friend has to be ready to face EVERYTHING that could happen if she leaves him, and it's incredibly scary. She may not feel strong enough now... and may never feel strong enough. All you can do is to continue to tell her that her situation is not normal and not right. That you know she's scared but that you'll support her. That abusers do not magically see the light and change... it takes years of therapy in a program specifically for abusers and even then the chance of success is minimal. That there are safe houses for abused women and she CAN get away from him if she plans it carefully.

Give her a phone number for an abuse hotline, etc. Urge her to make police reports whenever anything happens, so there is a record of it. Even if she drops charges, that recorded history may go a long way in getting a restraining order if & when she needs one.

And you may need to, as people above say, step away if she won't try to help herself... but please let her know why, and let her know that if and when she is ready to try to get free, you will be there for her and support her. Without a friend to lean on, she may never feel strong enough to get away. When I got to a point where I was ready, I contacted a friend of mine that I knew would always be there for me. Whenever I get scared and don't know what to do, he is there propping me up. He is walking with me through the steps to get myself free again, and I know I wouldn't be where I am without his support. I'd have given in to my husband long ago, as I always did before.

And I found this book very helpful to me in realizing that my husband would not change and facing the reality that I needed to leave:
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Michelle Smiles
Michelle Smiles

I have dozens of pieces of advice and platitudes running through my head but I can't pretend to truly know the situation from what you've shared so I will keep it simple.

1. Take care of yourself.
2. You can't make her decide to walk away from situation for good.
3. Be her friend if/when she reaches out. No matter how many times. (As long as it doesn't cause you harm to do so.)

Cary
Cary

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know that feeling of rage when I see someone else in an abusive situation, and the sad, frustrating fact is if that person is unwilling to make changes, there is not much we can do.

I hate to say this but to protect your own sanity you may need to step back. Do not lose your emotional stability because of some piece of shit abuser. You can't help anyone else if you are out of your mind with rage.

I think you are wonderful for working so hard on behalf of your friend. I hope she wakes up and works that hard for herself. Stay strong.

S.K.
S.K.

Well, as far as your friend I don't really have much advice because people have to reach those conclusions on their own. But I think your statement about her needing to leave the older kids with their father is correct. Are you able to perhaps contact him about the situation? I know that you want your friend to be happy, but maybe the wake-up call she needs is having her ex take her to court for custody over the way his children are being abused, and having a court agree that this environment is unacceptable for her children. It will be incredibly painful but if you can't help her, and she won't help herself, at least the kids deserve better. And it might shake her up enough to open her eyes.

Arby
Arby

Anonymous, you are powerless over the abuser and the abused. The only person you can change in this situation is you, and accepting that fact will make dealing with this situation easier. If you are afraid of your reaction when you meet the abuser, do whatever you must do to learn to control your response. This would be a good time to talk to a professional counselor or therapist. If you are afraid of the abuser’s reaction when he meets you, protect yourself without doing something that will land you in the county lock-up! Be smart about this. Get help.

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