Anonymous
I read this woman’s blog, and it’s quite possible you do, too. She has a couple thousand followers on Twitter; I’ve even read about her in a magazine. I tell you this not to make it seem like you need to be some ‘famous’ blogger or something for your voice to count, but rather to further drive home the point that there are people all around you that you think you know — that you admire, that you may even envy — that you don’t actually know at all. It’s my greatest wish for this site that you will see how pervasive domestic violence and sexual abuse/assault experiences are. If you are a woman, get three of your female friends or family members in a room with you and look around; One of you has a story of abuse. (I don’t know what the numbers are for men, but I don’t for a second doubt their volume.) It’s everywhere.
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I was three when we moved into our big, new, fancy suburban house. I had a new brother, and loving parents. Our neighbor children came over to greet us — teenagers, a boy and a girl. They took me to their house to watch a movie. I don’t think they hurt me that time.
It was later, after I trusted them, after my mom trusted them. They would take me to their basement. I couldn’t tell you much more, even if I wanted to. It’s just a mélange of cruelty, of fear, of no power, no control. Of being held down. Of being told that if I told, they would kill my parents. And I believed them. When people act the way they acted, you believe them when they tell you that.
It stopped when I was five. One day, we were in their parents’ car playing “vacation.” (Ahh, the good old days, when you could play in a car.) The girl pushed in the cigarette lighter, waited until it was white hot. Then she held it to the tip of my nose until it sizzled. As I screamed, she said matter-of-factly, “Remember, if you tell, we kill them.”
But left with this visible scar, this token that could be nothing but intentional, I had to say SOMETHING. So I blamed the girl across the street. My mother marched over there, furious, screaming. But her mother, puzzled, explained that her daughter had been in the house all day. My mom didn’t let me play with those kids anymore, and I was glad. I was so, so glad. But I was also confused and ashamed.
I was a liar, I had lied about what had happened. I had no true voice. My mom talked to me about how I couldn’t walk in the neighborhood alone, because I might get molested. When I realized what she meant, I thought, “But that already happened.”
I was six when their house burned down. I stood in the crook of our cherry tree as the sun came up, gleefully waiting for their charred bodies to be pulled from the rubble. I didn’t care that it was bad to want that, I just wanted to know that there is justice, that bad things happen to bad people.
But sadly, they were alive. They’d all gotten out when the smoke alarms went off. All that happened is that they rebuilt and dug a swimming pool with the insurance money. The kids grew up and went away, and I went to cookouts at their parents’ house, watched the dog when they went on vacation. I would glance at the basement crawlspace as I fed the fish, and shiver. But I didn’t allow myself to think about what had happened. It made me feel dirty and polluted.
I thought if I didn’t think about it, it hadn’t happened. But that’s not how it works, is it? As I grew up, and it was time to forge my own relationships, I was far more damaged than I had allowed for. It was hard for me to trust that anyone would actually care about me. If they found out the scars I carried inside, surely they wouldn’t.
I went through all of the things that many abuse survivors go through as adolescents. Substance abuse, depression, suicide attempts. If you had told me then that so much of that could be traced back to my hours in the basement, I wouldn’t have believed you. I could barely even remember it, how could it possibly affect me on so many levels? But when a wound is never addressed, cauterized, or healed, it finds any way to come out that it can.
It gets better, over time. It’s just that it’s one of my first memories, and it’s shaped who I am, whether I acknowledge it or not. My daughter is four now. When she casts admiring gazes at older children and wants to run off with them at parties, I draw her close. I fear her trust being betrayed, mine misplaced. I don’t need a reason to fear for her, I grew up with one.
When I was 16, driving home after a group therapy session, my mom made some reference to how many girls had been sexually abused. “At least,” she said, “that never happened to you.” There was a long silence. I shrugged. She pulled over and named the teenagers. And just like that, my silence was broken. We never really discussed it after that, but just to have her know, and be believed, made a huge difference.
According to the Darkness to Light Foundation, 40% of childhood sexual abuse victims are molested by older children. 50% are molested by someone the family knows and trusts. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that my three kids are never victims of any of them.
47 Responses to “Anonymous”
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No words… Thank you for sharing your story.
My 6 year old daughter has been campaigning for sleepovers with some of her classmates. I don’t like the idea. I think she’s too young. I don’t know their families enough. Some of my friends think I’m being too uptight. Your story encourages me to stand strong. I’m not going to cave on this issue. Sleepovers with family and maybe my closest friends are fine, entrusting people who I’ve just met with my daughter’s safety, not fine.
Thank you for sharing.
It’s sad how we don’t allow ourselves the luxury of talking to others about our experiences. I’m sure we’d find out a whole lot sooner how alone we really aren’t. Those kids sound like some of the neighborhood kids I grew up around, the ones who loved to pick on the littlest kids, torturing both them and animals.
It’s equally sad that your experiences damaged your ability to trust. But the good thing is that your experiences armed you with knowledge to protect your children. You’ve learned that you don’t have to be a victim – and you can teach that to them. Hugs to you for sharing.
Thank you for putting a voice to the abuse. You are so right. It feels good to know that you were finally able to tell someone and get help. My help was a long time in coming but I did finally get the help I needed. Abuse as a child colors everything and rears its ugly head when we are adults, in the choices me make and how we love. I am so thankful I finally found the help and validation I needed. It took more than one counselor for me and several years of growth to see the light at the end but it did come and I will always be thankful.
Sharing your story helps all of us.
I am crying as I read this. It’s so true how the emotional pain we hold in just grows until we find some opportunity to express it. I held mine in for over 7 years and I got more and more depressed and confused until my grades began to suffer. I get so frustrated when I see people still raising their children to be introvert and repressed! All I can do is keep my own children close and always maintain the lines of communication to ensure they are safe— not only from sexual abuse, but also from bullying and torment.:( Thanks for sharing your story.
Can I just say that I am in awe of the people who have put themselves out there and shared their stories? I am awestruck by the courage of these authors.
Thank you!
oh my goodness, how awful that happened to you. I’m so, so sorry. The cruelty of people.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am grieving for your experience. I worked with children who had been sexually abused for 6 long years. The scars run deep, and so many of them were like you: they didn’t see the connection between their current issues/feelings and the actual abuse. It’s a deep well of pain……
I wish you peace.
I was molested by our neighbour when I was 6 or 7, and root many trust issues in that, namely my utter paranoia when it comes to letting my kids out of my site. I do NOT trust it when kids not in their age group want to play or hang out, and I’m so incredibly wary of other parents that it confuses my family.
My parents trusted someone, and destroyed part of me. I could never tell, and I still don’t think they would have believed me.
Im glad it’s not a secret for you.
Terribly shocking. I guess so many of us have the stereotype of the perpetrator of this type of crime being an adult and not another “child/teen.” It is a good lesson for all of us parents to make our children aware of the danger that even other “children” can present and for them to be aware of their circumstances at all times.
By sharing this, you have opened up a lot of eyes. Thank you.
Thanks, you guys. It means a lot to know that I’m not alone in having dealt with this. It is NOT something I talk about in real life usually, I think because I fear other’s perceptions, so it really helps to know that other people have been affected in a similar way. I do feel lucky, in a weird way, because mine stopped. I know for so many others, that’s not the case. Thank you for being here.
I am so glad to read that you were finally able to talk about this with you mom, though I am curious if the fact you two have only spoken of it basically only once is a conscious choice or not. I also appreciate the message of hope in this piece. “It gets better, over time.” Hope is what so many people in this world desperately need.
Very wonderfully written.
Sadly, you really aren’t alone. But I thank you for sharing this with us…
What’s most chilling about this is that they not only tortured you, but took away the faith in your support system that every child should be able to count on.
I ache for you, and for your parents. And I hope it’s made the bond between you stronger now.
Thank you. For letting your story give a voice to others.
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
Powerful story – thank you for telling it. I think we too often expect abusers of children to be adults, even strangers.
I’m horrified for you that you had to live with this – I find myself wishing they had burnt up with their house too.
I am glad you were finally able to find your voice. I worried about my boys leaving the house to stay with friends for that very reason, you never know. I fear my daughter staying with anyone other than my parents. I know that I cannot protect them 24/7, no matter how much I want to. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story.
thankfully you are in a place where you can talk about this now – write it down and help others to do the same.
Your story is very similar to mine. An older boy my parents trusted to babysit me. He molested and threatened me if I told. I was not believed.
Now as a mother I am distrustful the same as you. I became a teacher in sexual abuse prevention and taught K-6. My kids get these lessons. My hope is they never have to deal with sexual abuse and that I can protect them.
Thank you for sharing!
Wow, you guys. I’m really amazed and humbled by how many of you have turned your experiences into a way to help others.
Lesley- It’s come up in passing with my mom a few times over the years, mostly when she worries about my oldest boy. She said something to me the other night about “If anyone ever did anything to him like they did to you I’ll kill them.” And I was glad. I know by the time she found out about me, it was just too late, you know? those people were gone, and had children of their own. I hope that that changed them. I worry sometimes about what must have happened to them as children to make them act that way. I don’t really know.
I think it’s one of those topics between my mom and I that’s just too painful to address. She did say, that first day, “I always knew something was wrong there. I should have pushed harder.” And that would be my takeaway to all parents- Trust your gut. You don;t need a concrete reason. And if you think there’s something wrong in the way your child is being related to by someone, YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT. Don’t talk yourself out if it. A great book is “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin De Becker. Totally life changing, about listeninng to our safety signals. I also love “The Gift of Fear”, same author. They’re actually not depressing or upsetting, but empowering.
Thanks again.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what leads people to these places. I wish that it wasn’t so easy to scare a child with malicious lies. Thank you for sharing.
Your story is horrifying, just as each one is. It amazes me that so many know this feeling personally, that we survive these things.
Reading this blog, and posts on other blogs, I’m just NOW dealing with what happened to me when I was 11. But, I’m not ready yet to share it so publicly – just a few people know. I’m finally taking the step of going to counseling… after 19 years of hiding it. I hope someday soon, I’ll be brave enough to share it here, but first I have to deal with some of the underlying issues that have never been resolved, that I’ve never attributed to what happened to me as a child. I have to give up the guilt, the shame, and realize that while I *thought* I was all grown up… I was a child.
Thank you – you’ve given me another push towards healing by sharing your story.
I’m so sorry for what you went through. Thank you for letting your story out.
Thank you for being a voice.
I can definitely relate. I just revealed my childhood abuse to my grandmother, and through that I was finally able to open the floor for further discussion. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for expressing your story about childhood abuse. This happens more then we as parents wish to realize. I’m extremely cautious with whom my daughter socializes, I don’t want her to ever encounter the abuses I faced as a young girl and a woman.
Not ready- You may never be ready to talk with real life family type people about it, and that’s OK. But what is so great is that you’re able to look at patterns now and see where they took root from. I feel like that was a huge turning point for me, when I stopped pretending like it didn’t affect me. Or maybe it wasn’t pretending, it was that I just didn’t know. I wish you all the best. All of you.
Who does these things to small children? I look at my 3 year old and I don’t understand how anyone could inflict cruelty and abuse on a child. Reading your story makes me want to hurt someone.
So sorry that this happened to you. So glad you are brave enough to share it here.
this story has haunted me all day. awful.
as a mother, i thank you for sharing
I’m glad you shared. I cant help but ask myself: Is it okay to allow your children to go to sleepovers to host them yourselves? What are the chances of molestation or abuse? I want to be the best mother I can be.
I remember being a young child in grade school and watching the videos, hearing the teachers preach about “stranger danger.” Don’t accept candy from strangers, don’t talk to strangers, don’t get in a car with a stranger, and on and on. Strangers will hurt you. They might even kidnap and/or kill you. NEVER once were we advised on what to do if a friend or family member hurts us. Yet this is how most people are abused….by someone they’re supposed to trust and love. I’m so sad that my girls are the ages now that I have to bring up this subject, just to try and keep them safe. Peace to you.
Sleepovers are not the only danger. Any time someone is left alone with your child spells an opportunity. The key is to arm the children with knowledge of their bodies, and to give them the vocabulary to convey to you any feelings of sexual encroachment. Then you have to listen to your little voice as though it were screaming. That puts it at just the right volume when you consider to what degree society downplays these concerns as “paranoia”. We live in a culture that encourages the abuse because of how many people profit from the resulting alienation, life-long stress-related health problems and sexual dysfunction.
So ultimately, the key is to learn to trust the parenting instinct.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us!!
I hate how through shame and guilt we are silenced. That your mother new and believed you must have been a very powerful moment. To not be believed in a matter so serious would be devastating. Your story dredged something up for me, that many years ago I had to face and lay to rest, a similar experience. Thank you for sharing.
Eaton.
Reading this, I can’t help but wonder. Are there still trust worthy people around?
Given the higher statistic that most victims fall prey to those around them.
I hope voicing out your past, gave you some sort of relief.
Take care {HUGS}
Eaton- It really was. Even though it wasn’t the topic of much discussion afterward, to have my mom know my biggest secret and not have the world fall down on my ears meant the world. I’ve been able to be straightforward with my husband about it too, early in our relationship, and I’m glad. I’m not sure he would understand my caution of others with our kids if he didn’t know.
Thanks for being here, you guys. If you have stories, they’re not your fault. Please share them, when you’re ready, in your time.
I’m reminded of one of my worst parenting experiences ever. I’ll never know what really happened, my daughter was too young to tell. She was only 2. The sitter left her husband – we were suddenly “stuck” with no childcare. He volunteered his sister, who lived next door to him. She (sitter’s sister-in-law) made accusations that the sitter’s brother had been molesting our daughter. We took our daughter to the pediatrician who said “no sign of abuse” but even that was indeterminate. We found a daycare (not necessarily better or safer) far removed from the family drama. It still makes me sick to think about … this was 20 years ago.
Being a survivor of both domestic violence and years of the man stalking me (long before stalking laws were of help).. I was so shocked to find this site. Oh, what a wonderful place for those that have been through this, can come to find support, and spread the word that it can happen to anyone. Please do not use my name or email.. I just wanted to say thank you… thank you for putting this here..
Oh, Fran. I’m so sorry you went through that. I can only imagine how you felt.
There’s an article in the NYT dated 3/1 about a girl named Hannah who had a memory fugue and lost 3 weeks wandering NYC not knowing who she was. When questioned about if tis would define her ever after, one of her friends said, “She’s an incredibly strong woman who knows how to deal with a ghost and then release it.”
That’s what I want for all of us.
your mother listened… when i finally broke my silence about the physical and sexual abuse i endured at the posh boarding school she shipped me off to… she denied it would have happened at a nice catholic school.
meh.
I want to scoop up your inner little girl and sweep her away from what happened. This story touches me on a level I can’t quite articulate. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story.
My heart broke with every line.
So many times I’ve wanted to stand at the top of a mountain and let the whole world know that the people closest to you cannot always be trusted with your children!
I speak from experience.
Our children shouldn’t have to!!
Thank you for sharing this!
It scares me so much to think that older children would be capable of something like that. My husband was also sexually abused as a very young child, often violently; but it was by an adult. I can’t completely understand what kind of damage he’s dealing with, of course, but I know it’s shaped his life in terrible ways just like you said. I’m glad I read this though. I always worry about the influences older kids might have on my toddlers, but it wouldn’t have occurred to me that they might abuse my kids. At their age I won’t leave them alone with anyone I don’t know well, but it’s still disturbing. Most disturbing is the statistic you cited. That makes me want to cry.
Does anyone remember the little toddler, Jamie? murdered by those two young boys a few decades ago. What happened to you and what happened to that toddler is only a matter of degree. It should never, ever have happened. They had no right to lay so much as a finger on you.
When I have kids, I’ll watch over them just for this situation. I don’t think it would ever have occurred to me to do so if I hadn’t read your story. Thank you for posting it; your courage will help me be a more street-wise mother.