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(All delicate ears stop reading now.  I’m not joking.)

I never planned to sleep with him.  One day he said he knew I didn’t want to, but thought that if he forced me, AMBIEN for sale, we’d be in a relationship. AMBIEN trusted pharmacy reviews, This is the story of one of those nights.

I was sick.  He lived nearby, and would stand outside the window, AMBIEN price, coupon, “Let me in, Where can i buy AMBIEN online, I know you’re there.”  I always fell for it.  I was so stupid.  Really.  He was a Christian and I was a Christian, and I would say, “This isn’t right” and he would say, buy AMBIEN from mexico, “But you’re here."

Really hard to type that without bringing it back.  I’m doing well!  Yay. Generic AMBIEN, He called, and I was always trying to find the excuse that would work.  I told him I didn’t want him over because I was sick.  He called back later and said he had soup for me.  I crawled out of bed and opened the door for the soup.  He asked to stay and I thought nothing will happen, he knows I’m sick.  NOW it sounds stupid, my AMBIEN experience, it sounds like an excuse, AMBIEN use, but you have to realize none of this was planned, I hadn’t slept in ages, I kept bleeding, rx free AMBIEN, and not one of my family and friends would even answer the phone – I was too “negative” you see.

So I let him stay.  I had slept in the same bed with men before with no sex.  I was exhausted.  At least he wouldn’t be standing at my window, nagging, keeping me up, BUY AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. AMBIEN price, After a bit, he rolled over on top of me.  I told him, no, AMBIEN cost, I didn’t want to, Buy AMBIEN without prescription, I was sick.

It didn’t stop him. "See?"  he said, is AMBIEN addictive, "Your body’s reacting.  You want it."

No, AMBIEN description, I said.  I don’t have any control over THAT.

He didn’t stop.  I lay there, tears running down my face, australia, uk, us, usa, not able to push him off, AMBIEN photos, not able to control my own body.  Repeating over and over in my head, silently, until it got solid enough to speak.  “I don’t want to do this.”  Then I kept repeating it, taking AMBIEN, crying, AMBIEN schedule,   over and over, while he kept moving over me.  He laughed at my body’s reaction. BUY AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, Finished, rolled off.  He fell asleep, and I kept crying.  He rolled away from me, and I felt so empty. His shoulder was there, AMBIEN class, and I reached to touch it.  I don't know what I was thinking, AMBIEN gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, except the feeling of air blowing through me and a need to not be alone.  He laughed again, I thought you said you didn't want it. It's better than you being over there, buy cheap AMBIEN, I replied.  Still crying.  I lay there, AMBIEN overnight, thankful at least to have something other than the air blowing through my spirit, but still crying, still dazed that I had to be doing this, AMBIEN canada, mexico, india. Hurting, About AMBIEN, not wanting to, but not able to see any other solutions.

The memories are fuzzy.  I had to block them off to survive in the world that shines outside my window every day.  I can’t tell you what happened, AMBIEN street price, other than the highlights that stand out in lucid detail. Comprar en línea AMBIEN, comprar AMBIEN baratos, Today I am sick, and that always brings up a rage, a desperation and helplessness, where can i order AMBIEN without prescription, though I’ve forcefully integrated sexuality in to my life; hoping to adjust and move on.  Painfully.  Today I posted elsewhere that I was sick, Order AMBIEN online c.o.d, and a friend far away said she would bring me chicken soup if she could.  The automatic reaction to throw up.  Then a light at the end of the tunnel.  Replacing the old trigger with a friendly reach.

Amen.

###

This is Aubrey's second Violence UnSilenced post. Her first appeared here..

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Comments

27 comments
carlton
carlton

how i pray that you find strength to overcome this

Jennifer
Jennifer

I am so sorry, Aubrey. I'm glad you are safe now. And no, it was never your fault.

Lana
Lana

Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault. You did not ask for this. You can open your door, let someone in and interact with them without them harming you. They took advantage of you. My heart goes out to you. You were doing the best you knew how with the information and power you had. No excuse for the other person. So sorry this happened to you.

Aubrey
Aubrey

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!! I am so, so very touched by your comments. It's like each one is someone standing beside me, though in my "real" life, nobody knows this. I can't tell anyone. I breathe day by day and am rebuilding. I can't rebuild the old me, but I'm starting to rebuild a different, a new one.

I'm volunteering and working with horses. They've mostly been abused, it's a rescue. It does me a world of good.

I am lonely. :0) I have since moved out of that place I was sharing, but I have a co-worker who is my opposite: bubbly and irrepressible, and I love having her as a friend.

I loved seeing every single comment that said: 77% of rapes are by someone the victim knows. I heard it over and over again: a)You must be getting something out of it, or you'd leave. (He lived NEXT DOOR.) b) You must have wanted it, or you wouldn't have let it happen. c) You're just making a big deal of nothing. (by my ASOCSA leader) d) You're being too negative. (This by friends who I'd known for years. They all stepped away and stopped taking my calls.) ...and other things that stole my power away from me by saying that THIS must have been what I wanted, or I would have made it stop. He only raped me (used force) when I fought him. When I stopped fighting, he still held me down, but he kept on, saying how much he wanted me to enjoy it. Then I'd call a friend to see if there was help out there, and they just hung up.

So.

Thank you for being here. Thanks for your encouragement. I still have a lot of demons I fight nearly every day. A cute guy smiles at me, and a ton of issues jump to the surface and I have to push them down and just keep walking. But I do. :0) I do. ;0)

If I can recommend a book, I would like to say that I Never Called It Rape was a really, really good book, and one of the first things that connected the dots for me.

I hope I have more good days, more successes in my battles. I hope someday I will heal, if not completely, but enough to have grace and strength. I hope someday I will be able to trust, ...a little. :0)

I hope you do too.

Much love,
me

Danielle
Danielle

Hugs. I am proud of you! Seeing the triggers and replacing them is so hard, but it means you are getting better. Stay strong. Feel better. You are not alone.

Richard
Richard

Triggers suck. Replacing an old trigger with a friendly reach is a great idea. Keep on healing and growing.

Isabelle
Isabelle

I feel so bad for you. Those memories come up and refused to be ignored sometimes. Stay strong and thanks for sharing.

JennyD
JennyD

RT @VUnSilenced: 77% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. Please visit VU and support Aubrey today: http://t.co/GR1DyLHL

Camille
Camille

Thank you for sharing your story, Aubrey.

Sarah
Sarah

Aubrey, I'm sorry this happened to you. I am glad that you are safe now, and healing yourself bit by bit.

Thank for you sharing your story here. Sending peace right now, and for the future.

Stacy @bklynstacy
Stacy @bklynstacy

Aubrey, keep reaching toward your healing, and keep telling your story on the days you can. Each time you re-tell it you will feel your guilt and confusion disappear, and come to truly now, all the way through you, that this was neither your choice nor your fault. Sending you strength and love, SLM

Ann
Ann

"replacing the old trigger with a friendly reach"

You are brave.

Jan
Jan

I love your self-cheerleading. :)

I'm so sorry you went through this. You know, of course, that it's not your fault. The fault lays with him. Hold onto that.

I'm glad you're doing well now. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Blessings.

SheilaW
SheilaW

Thank you for sharing, please know that we stand beside you.

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