Aubrey
It’s between 1 and 2 in the morning
and my whole body hurts.
It’s a familiar pain
echoing the pain in my heart
the sorrow for wasted life
wasted years
wasted hopes and loves
clinging to illusion
clinging to hope
clinging to faith.
He pinned me to my kitchen floor
he only forced me when I said no
No I said
he grabbed my arm
no
he pulled me on him
pinned
hands on my hips
I pulled on the carpet
naked now
from the waist down
I crawled to the center
don’t remember standing
do remember him behind me
raising my arm to strike
I mean it
fighting my own body
(You’re not supposed to be violent
You always were a violent girl)
losing my equilibrium
falling as I twisted
on hands and knees,
fetal crouch
he knelt
over
encompassing me
patting my head
“It’s all right
ssssshhh….”
stroking my hair.
I return to myself
enough to try to crawl
he flips me over
pins me
half in the living room
half in the kitchen
while he proves his love to me
arms pinned
body blocked
See? You like that.
I gaze at the bottom of the refrigerator
while it freezes
solid
Not like this.
Though my body lies.
No one has touched me in months.
at all.
And I cry.
not like this
After, he sits bare on my couch.
I crawl to him.
Not like this, I say
You see? I am pleading with him
being reasonable
I should go, he says
and some small
the first small
tiny
tiny
spark of
will
strength
anger
in me
NO
you can’t just do this and leave
too weak to stand
he drags me
He pulls me up
helps me to bed
holds me until the shaking stops
you okay? he says
I nod
he leaves
and I feel
Nights like tonight
I would let him in
because now I am
what he
thought
KNEW
I was then
And I would take almost any comfort.
The Devil’s bargain
You can’t rape the willing
Take away my claim to innocence
Crying as I punish myself
Tonight i’m trying hard to stay sober.
How
do I get past this
without
going
THROUGH
?
I can’t decide
if it’s my innocence
or my guilt
that hurts the most
now.
####
Aubrey writes at A Long Way Home. She asks that you please keep comments here, rather than on her own blog.
28 Responses to “Aubrey”
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Thanks for being brave enough to share your story… Sorry you had to go through this. Wishing nothing but sunshine for you.
Thank-you for sharing.
in guilt and innocence
alike
we join you
understanding your pain
embracing your truth
extending our love
in your voice
lies freedom
In silence
In understanding
I read
and bow my head
Sending you strength
Sending you hope
And the knowledge
That you are not alone.
Thank you
For being here
For saying this
For speaking out.
Thank you and may you grow in your strength and courage now that you’ve said it.
innocence. it is your innocence.
don’t believe the guilt.
you can.
if you blow ever so softly on that
tiny
tiny
spark
i do believe you’ll eventually have a flicker
then a flame
and eventually a full blown bonfire
(((u)))
No means No. Men who don’t respect that are guilty. Bottom line. You can’t control your body’s response. He had no right to control you. That’s why you have a voice. And he disrespected that. You ARE innocent.
you are a brave warrior girl. you have no room for guilt in the light of all that brave.
aw hon, nothing but lovin’ for for. No woman deserves to be raped/molested. Sending my love!
that was beautifully written, if only it weren’t so tragic a topic. Thank you for sharing your story.
no means NO. end of story.
thank you for speaking out.
Thank you for your story. You help us all by sharing.
Your body will betray you, but your mind never will. You know you didn’t want it and you know what he did was wrong.
No means no and he had no right to treat you the way he did.
Thank you for sharing your story and I am sending you all the love I can.
Stay strong.
You are not and never will be what he said you were. You can get through this. You will. One painful breath at a time. Am sending you hugs and sharing your tears.
You are NOT guilty of anything. There is no blame for this violence that is yours.
Thank you for writing this. As I began to read this, tears started to fall immediately. It was like you were there with me. This helps me, so much. Again, thank you.
I understand so much of what you have shared… and it wasn’t until I reached the end that I realized you had commented on my story recently, and that you had understood me as well. As much as the stories suck, it is comforting to know that someone out there understands. I don’t trust many people in this world with my story, but I do trust other survivors because they get it. I so understand the wanting to be loved and any cost. Even after all these years, after finding someone who does truly love me, I still have a hard time actually feeling it. One too many glasses of wine and the tears come as “I just want someone to love me” flows from my lips. My husband holds me and says “I’m right here and I do”, and I know he does. It’s still hard because even on good days those fears and insecurities are all right there just below the surface. Hope you find comfort in knowing that all of us here understand and are right here with you… sending prayers for peace and self-love!
Dear Friend,
I am sorry this happened to you. If I were you, I’d take the SOB to court.
Thank you for writing and sharing. I am thinking of you now and am in awe of your bravery.
Thank you for sharing. It is hard to type through the tears. God Bless you and give you the strength that you need .
How many stories do we have to hear about before this horror ends?? I feel for
everyone who has these horrible experiences. Every person who inflicts this on
another person/child has had things happen to him/her in their life time some where, and therefore the cycle continues. I so wish they would treat this with lifetime in prison or death. I do feel
this is murder in every sense. Dying is not always the end of your life, an event
such as I’ve read is a death of a human being. These monsters take a life every
time they do the things they do. As we read we know every body will never live
life the way they would if this did not happen to them. Hence…..a death of a person occurs. God bless to all who has had to endure these horrors and to all that will have to.
Your story touched me deeply. You did nothing wrong. I hope you are safe now and have friends that let you know how special you are. God Bless you!
Thank you for sharing your story.
your voice is powerful and will only grow louder, resounding with more and more readers, survivors and individuals who will support you and love you unconditionally.
you are strong and you are not alone.
Thank you. Knowing you are there and hearing me and holding me in your hearts, HELPS immensely. Please keep sending the hellos. It reminds me I’m not insane, that there is a THERE there.
Thank you!
I’ve read and re-read this post many times, wondering what to say. I’m not very good with poetry, or anything that resembles poetry, so I am certain that you have said more than I realize in the lines that you wrote. Let me share with you two ideas that do come to mind. First, when you are the victim of abuse you are 100% not guilty for the abuse. Your abuser is 100% guilty. There are no mitigating circumstances for rape. Secondly, as victims there is only one thing that we can change: ourselves. From reading your blog, I can see that you are doing that. Keep up the great work. Thank you for sharing your story here.
Wow. Thank you for sharing.