Bee
It has been two years, ten months, and nineteen days.
I am incapable sometimes of even thinking that, because there are days when I refuse to acknowledge it at all. Because of the events surrounding it and the way the few people I chose to tell reacted, for a very, very long time I chose to believe the lie that it was my fault. That I asked for it, and that I deserved or in some way caused what happened.
But tonight, I’m stepping out and saying this.
I did NOT deserve it.
I said no.
I begged.
I cried afterward, stared in shock at the blood and knew, simply knew, that what I had held onto for seventeen years, what I had waited so long to give to someone I loved, had been taken from me. I didn’t know what to do.
After that, it didn’t matter anymore. I was so afraid, so ashamed.
I told, finally told, and the person I chose to tell told me it took two to tango, that if he’d actually raped me, he should be in jail and that I hadn’t done anything about it so obviously I was covering up for the fact that I had just given in to my desires.
My desires?
Up until that point in my life, I had done absolutely NOTHING with a boy. I was as innocent as they come. My clothes had never come off. My guilt had been over trifling, embarrassingly prude encounters with the few boyfriends I’d had before. I had never once wanted that. I was almost afraid of that. I was saving it. I understood and I believed that it wasn’t something I wanted to throw away or willingly hold out to any passerby. I wanted very desperately to have something special, to be in love with the person I gave that precious gift to.
My desire was to keep my clothes on. My desire was for the word ‘no’ to hold meaning, to cause a cease-fire. My desire?
My desire was for someone to believe me when I finally told the truth.
My desire was to be comforted, held while I cried.
My desire was for someone to rescue me from him, for someone to take the shaking, terrified little girl I had become since that horrible day and tell her it was alright. Tell her she didn’t deserve it. Tell her that she deserved to be listened to, that when she said no, she should be believed. When she yelled no, when she cried stop, when she pushed and fought back, that anyone, especially someone who claimed to care about her, should have stopped, should have respected her, should have ended the sick, empty stealing of something that wasn’t ever, ever supposed to be theirs.
Two years, ten months, and nineteen days later, I know that the word I’ve been so afraid to put on it is true. He raped me. I did not ask for it. I did not want it. No means no, stop means stop, fighting back signals panic and any man or boy who cannot respect that and continues anyway will forever wear the title, the banner, the name–rapist.
My heart still breaks when I think of what was taken from me that day. When I remember the people I needed most failing me, not believing that he could have done it. Not comforting me, not taking me to get help, not prosecuting him to the fullest extent of the law. Seventeen, so innocent, so incredibly afraid.
But now, I am a survivor.
I have not been destroyed.
I will not remain silent.
I am strong.
Thanks,
Bee, 19 years old.
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Bee writes at The Caged Bird Sings.
32 Responses to “Bee”
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I am so sorry that you received that reaction. I can relate to that, to the brushing off and the hurt, the pain resounding. But you have risen above that now. I am proud of you, congratulations on speaking out! (((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
I am so very sorry they didn’t believe you, and I am very thankful that you realize *now* that it was not your fault. You’re right – no does mean no. He should have stopped. He never should have started. Just because you didn’t turn him in doesn’t mean you have any blame at all in this.
Thank you for speaking out, for taking control. I hope that you will continue to grow, to heal, to recover…and never be a victim, but always a survivor. *hugs*
Bee,
You did NOT deserve this. Believe always in YOU, and in the amazing person you are (and you truly are an amazing person….)
Sending love and care to you….
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience this, I’ve been where you are and I know the hell that it is. You deserve so much more and I hope you get it someday. You’ll be in my thoughts
–
>>My desire was for someone to rescue me from him, for someone to take the
>> shaking, terrified little girl I had become since that horrible day and tell her it
>> was alright. Tell her she didn’t deserve it. Tell her that she deserved to be
>> listened to, that when she said no, she should be believed.
You DIDN’T deserve it. You deserved to be listened to. When you said no, you should have been believed.
Furthermore, even if he didn’t believe you, he should have stopped, because no means no. And even if you did have desire, he should have stopped when you said no, because no means no.
I’m so sorry you had to tell yourself these things, that no one would do it for you, but I’m so glad you found the strength to.
I am sorry you weren’t heard and respected when you were finally able to speak. We hear you now.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I believe you.
I am so sorry. Thank you for your story.
Its terribly sad how many people still need to be educated about rape, how many people need to learn that ANY TIME a person says “no” that anything that happens beyond that is not consensual.
Thank you for sharing your story, Bee. I hope you help open someone’s eyes by sharing your own pain. I am so sorry for what happened to you.
Bee, you are AMAZING.
Thank you for not remaining silent. Thank you for sharing your story here.
It was absolutely not your fault. You deserve better. Thank you for being brave and speaking out.
Dearest Bee,
There is no part of this horrible thing that was your fault. Not one single thing. You were raped. He is a criminal. The word NO means just that. Your story makes me tremble with anger. And I don’t get angry often. And the people that you trusted are completely wrong. My deepest wish for situations like this is that girls like you could find someone who would hug you and understand. Have you talked to a rape counselor? It doesn’t matter how long it has been. You need someone to talk to you so you’ll know that you were 100 percent right. I’m sorry you went through this. I’m proud of you for being brave. Please hold onto the knowledge that you’re right.
Love,
Rene’
I am so sorry for what you had to go thru and then to not have the support that should have been there. You did not deserve any of this and shame on whoever didn’t believe you. You are strong for speaking out and hopefully you doing so will help others understand that just because someone lets them down they shouldn’t stop fighting for the truth.
You are so strong, and so brave, and you didn’t deserve this. You are not at fault. I believe you. So many believe you.
I don’t know you, but I believe you. I know you did not deserve this. I know you told him no, and I know he heard you. I am sorry that he didn’t listen, so very sorry, but I am glad that you are able to hold your head high and call yourself a survivor… because you are.
i remember too. the questions. the wondering. and the time that passes as you question and wonder, wishing for it all to be a nightmare you can wake up from. i applaud your bravery with a standing ovation, knowing that it took me so much longer to own my survivorship.
you did not deserve to be raped. you did not deserve to be silenced. you did not deserve any of the horror that you have endured.
you do deserve this moment, this time, these words… your words.
you deserve to be honored for surviving and speaking out.
i wish you peace in your continued healing.
“The person I chose to tell told me it took two to tango, that if he’d actually raped me, he should be in jail and that I hadn’t done anything about it so obviously I was covering up for the fact that I had just given in to my desires.”
What an incredibly senseless, selfish, uncaring, and judgmental thing to say to someone. (My very first reaction began with calling them an unprintable name.) You are 100% not guilty for what happened to you. Your rapist is 100% guilty for what he did to you. If only all the people we reach out to for help understood this! If only the abusers in our lives felt the same shame that their victims do, but there is no shame in being a victim. There should be no shame when you haven’t done anything wrong! Unfortunately, there are a lot of “if only” statements, but they all boil down to one point. Survivors must be strong, and you are a strong for sharing your story here. Keep up the great work in your recovery!
You are a strong survivor and it was not your fault. Thank you for speaking out.
You know what? Your voice is beautiful indeed—strong, proud and oh-so-right. I’m sorry you went through that, and worse, that your loved ones failed you. Here’s hoping what you’ve shared here will save someone else from feeling so alone…
Truly heartbreaking… I am so sorry for both your experience and the reaction you got from the first person you trusted with the truth. My abuser used the “it takes two to tango” line on me himself. In reality, it only takes one person to rape another. You didn’t do anything to cause or deserve it. I hear you. I believe you. I understand. Prayers for a calm and peaceful life from here on out…
I am so glad you shared. I heard the same kind of thing: “you weren’t raped, you were seduced”… that lead to years of confusion and guilt and self-harm to eliminate anything within me that in any way resembled weakness or need or desire.
I lost my v that way too. Sending you gentle luv, if ok.
I am so proud you are speaking out. Yay, you! You have a voice, and it should have counted then. It counts here.
Thank you again.
me
((((((BEE)))))))
That is what you should have gotten from you friends. A hug, understanding and comfort.
I believe you. I believe in you. You deserve to be heard and that boy needs to be punished.
((((((BEE)))))) I’m so sorry that the hugs came 2 years, 10 months and 19 days too late. But, its here for you now when you need it.
Keep strong, stay brave.
Kim
Bee, the first friend I told said,” I can’t believe you had sex. That is so slutty.” For a long time, I thought she was right. I thought I deserved what happened to me. I didn’t. YOU DIDN’T. Nothing you said, wore, ate, drank, did, made it okay for him to do that. There really are no right words here, but know that I stand here next to you. That you are not, and will never be alone. This piece is a first step. Keeping taking them, no matter how small.
You are beautiful. Believe that.
Even if you hadn’t struggled, even if you had just whispered “no,” you still wouldn’t have deserved it. We live in a weird, sick society where we are told that dominating and hurting women is ok and that they “deserve it.”
You are so right about being a survivor. Your spirit is still as bright and perfect and untouched as it was the day you were born, even as your body, your mind and your emotions need help to heal.
My very best thoughts are with you.
Suebob
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I’m sorry that the person you told didn’t support you.
I’m sorry that happened.
You are brave and strong to spreak for yourself then and now and to be searching for those who will listen.
I believe you. We all believe you. I’m glad you’re holding your head high. Your strength is admirable.
Thank you so much for sharing, you brave strong wonderful girl! You are completely right and it is true – no means NO. End. Period. I am glad you are sharing and this pain and trauma can begin to leave you. Thank you so much for the help you’re providing the rest of us by sharing.
We believe you, and we know you didn’t ask for this, didn’t deserve this, and are truly a survivor. Stay strong, and never let anyone take the truth away from you.
I am so sorry to hear you did not have the support you needed, deserved, especially at such a young and vulnerable age.
I am so sad for you that you were not believed, and wish I could hug you right now, and wish I could take away your hurt. You are so brave to tell your story, and I hope that you realize how strong you are.
It is heartbreaking to think that at a time of horrific suffering you were left out in the cold. It is shocking knowing that you have been through this and made to think it was your fault. I wish to wrap my arms around you, comfort you and help to heal your pain. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your survivor story. I feel so happy for you to be able to label the crime against you RAPE, to know it was not your fault, to know you deserve so much better, to know your voice should have been heard. I hear you, believe you and feel for you.
Wishing you a healing and beautiful future xo