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So here i am. An 'abuse' survivor. When people say 'abuse' it conjures images & reenactments of disturbing popular movies I've seen. They all have a context, relevant dialogue that all makes sense as to why somebody may behave so badly, they have a purposeful & 'life lesson learned' ending. But that's not my story. That's not my experience. That's not my abuse. I never knew the cycle of abuse started for me pre-birth. I'm an 'inter-generational' victim. My Mother is emotionally void & instilled in me the greatest sense of people-pleasing she possibly could. My Father gave me wonderful gifts of believing i am UN-worthy of anything good, i must be submissive at all times to a patriarchal society and, above all, i must not talk back. I must never have a voice unless i am saying 'please' or 'thank-you' or more importantly, 'sorry.' There were times of trouble during my childhood when i wasn't silent when the news was on, or on Saturday morning i was a bit too loud, or even times of not being thankful for the church i was supposed to be controlled by and the men sexually abusing me within it. As time passed it was ingrained in me to just keep silent and put up with what you get. Which i did, and landed myself a husband that enjoyed making my life hell. Not only did he bruise me with tv remotes, his shoes (gee, he loved throwing those things!) one time a hair gel container... anything in his reach really. But he also specialized in the 'words' that all abusers use.... "you're just lucky i'm here. nobody else would stay around"; "you should be grateful i tell you how to improve yourself"; "nobody will ever love you as much as i do"; "you're a liar- that never happened"; "you've got a bloody good imagination... always making things up"; "well if you didn't do that i wouldn't have reacted like that"; "it's because of you that i act like this.. you make me so mad". I also endured the relentless hawk's eye... i couldn't go to the toilet without him saying "where are you going"; the phone rings "who is it?.... okay you can talk to your sister but only for 5 minutes, but she's not coming over". I also had the relentless task of oral stimulation & hideously painful 3 minute penetration to relieve this man of his 'natural urges' and always being told "it doesn't matter where i get my appetite- as long as i eat at home" at the end. domestic violence doesn't make sense. It can be small and quiet. It can be a look, a deep sigh, a turn of the head, it can be loud smashing noises, booming voices, fists thrown, heads bashed. I finally left his grasp when he punched me in the middle of a city street when i revealed the news that i was having our second child, a girl. I was 4 months already..... he physically hurt me so deliberately to end this pregnancy and he walked away when he was satisfied he had completed his mission. He left me in the street, empty..... emptied. I still have to see him on sporadic times because he threatens legal action if i don't permit access to our first child. These are small amounts of supervised times in public places in which he still argues with me about how crazy i am, how unfair i am being, how unwarranted it is to supervise him because he would never hurt our son- it was me that was the problem in our marriage. I've been to the police, I've been to healing centers, I've secured ADVO's, i've been to psychologists, i know the language, I know the literature, i know the process of the cycle of DV. I too can say the words that i believe in love, i believe that one day i might find somebody worthy that treats me well and will help me heal small pieces of my soul. But at the moment, it's all words. I want my daughter. I wanted a good husband & partner in life. I didn't want to be hit. I don't want to shudder if there is a loud bang in a shopping mall; i don't want to feel scared if my voice is too loud or i laugh out loud and people might hear me. I don't want my memories to be 'oh that's the place he hit me one time because...' or, ' he killed my baby there....' Nobody has ever looked at me and told me they know me and love me, every part of me, and I'm not in trouble for any part of it. I want new words in my life. Words that mean something real to me. I don't want to hear "one day he'll get what's coming to him" or "that's sad... you're so brave. have you found a new love in your life yet? you have to move on and stop living in the past", "why did you stay with him? i would have left the second he did anything". I am so damaged from these events. I am so broken from these events. I am so much stronger from these events. But why is everybody talking at me? Words..... just words. When will they mean something? When will they help me feel valued & loved? To me, that's DV.... it hasn't ended just because i suddenly understand the words. ###

Anna

Not more than two ago, I escaped an abusive marriage. I fled over the miles to find peace, refuge and security. It is by far the bravest thing I have done, besides not giving up on life in the midst of the turmoil of the unrelenting darkness that surrounded me all those years. Growing up in an environment where abuse was seen as a norm, I pushed away the warning signs that this relationship was no good for me. In fact, I blamed myself and thought I deserved to be treated badly; to be punished for my mistakes. Most often, I shut out the still small voice in my heart that yearned to bring me comfort in saying that I was not alone. To deal with the pain of abuse and rejection, I turned into an addict of sorts. It seemed like this was my only escape from reality. It was the only way to ease the pain of emotional hurt, negligence and crazy games. For me, it seemed like the only way to survive and get through another night. Kept away from the counsel of my family and friends, I had no one I could freely open to with the assurance of receiving help. I woke up each day with a sense of fear from the nightmares that stole my sleep almost each night. Sitting in fear all day of what would happen next, I could hardly ever eat. Even more, I withdrew from people, kept to myself and drowned in a deep sea of depression accompanied most often by fantasies of death. A month after my second attempt to kill myself, I met two wonderful people who became life-changing friends. With their help, I was able to get away from the abuse and danger and I soon found solace in a Non-Profit in New Delhi, India called Maitri (www.maitriindia.org). Maitri is a humanitarian and developmental organization that is committed to facilitating citizenship rights, basic services, dignity and respect for most vulnerable populations. I was lucky to find them since the support they have given me is beyond what they even promise to do. Today, not only do I have their help as a domestic violence survivor but am also given the opportunity to creatively be part of the work they do in bringing care and support to those in need. I still struggle with depression and pangs of anxiety each time I am in a new situation that I was never allowed to experience before. However, with support from new friends, community and God, I am able to overcome. It was never easy being in the trauma of abuse, feeling like my heart weighed so much so that I couldn’t even find the strength to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor. But even now that I am far from such pain, it still isn't easy cause my mind is so used to believing that there is always something to be afraid or hyper vigilant about. It is still so easy to think that nothing is ever going to be okay after all that has happened. However, today I choose to believe differently. With help and hard work life is hopeful. I urge you today to be that friend who believes in the story of the one who needs you to count on. Perhaps, if you don't know what to do, find someone who does. And if you are the one hiding behind the pain of fear and abuse today, I urge you to never give up because help is possible. One in three women worldwide has been physically or sexually assaulted by a former or current intimate partner? "Violence against women is a global health problem of epidemic proportions", says World Health Organization (WHO) Director General, Dr. Margaret Chan. Recognizing the urgent need to create safe spaces for women in the public and private spheres, Maitri has taken a leadership role in launching a Million Signature Campaign called Count On Me." Maitri’s goal is to motivate and inspire people to become part of the movement and the solution to End Violence Against Women. Ending violence against women is necessary to the well-being and mental health of women/girls and their families, but this cannot materialize without changing the mindsets that accept violence. The movement begins with you and me. ### For more on the movement Anna mentions, visit: http://www.change.org/en-IN/petitions/count-on-me-my-pledge-to-end-violence-against-women.

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I was married to my ex-husband for 4 years. Within a few months of us being married, he became physically abusive, LOZOL FOR SALE. I remember the first time he ever hit me, we were arguing and he back-handed me straight across the face as I got out of the bathtub and was wrapping myself up in a towel. He slapped me so hard, LOZOL pharmacy, I hit the ground. He was immediately apologetic, telling me he loved me, he’d never do it again and that if I hadn’t made him so angry, he wouldn’t have had to do it in the first place. No prescription LOZOL online, To this day, I don’t remember what the argument was about, all I can remember is that I wanted some peace and quiet and to stop arguing, so I went to take a bath, but he followed me into the bathroom and continued to yell and argue with me while I was trying to relax in the bathtub. LOZOL FOR SALE, I knew at that very moment that the violence wouldn’t stop there. You see, he had been arrested on average twice a year while he was married to his first wife for 10 years, cheap LOZOL no rx. I knew about his history, but chose to dismiss it when he told me he loved me, that he had changed and that all of those arrests were his ex-wife’s fault.

The beatings became more frequent as time went by. He would get angry over the smallest things…If dinner wasn’t cooked the way he wanted it, Buy LOZOL without a prescription, if his pants weren’t ironed just right, if I took too long grocery shopping, if I didn’t want to have sex at the very moment he did. It got to the point that we couldn’t even go out and socialize with friends and family, because he was so jealous and would always abuse me when we would get home, LOZOL FOR SALE. He would hit me across the face, punch me, choke me, literally pick me up and throw me across the room like a rag doll, buy LOZOL from canada, shove me into things, even physically kick me out of the bed when I wouldn’t have sex with him after he had come home in the middle of the night drunk and high and beaten me. He even raped me. He had no limits, and he was proud of that. LOZOL photos, One night, he got drunk, we had family over earlier that day and he had been drinking all night. LOZOL FOR SALE, He was insistent on having sex and I was trying to clean the kitchen…he pulled me into the bedroom and started hitting me, I tried to run to the living room to get away and he started picking me up and throwing me across the house. So, I ran back to the bedroom to try and get some clothes on and he took my dresser drawers out of my hands and threw it across the room, then he tried to kill me, and almost did…he threw me on the bed and began choking me, where can i find LOZOL online, he choked me so bad I blacked out and it ruptured the blood vessels in my eyes. As soon as I came to, I ran straight to the neighbors, no clothes on whatsoever, and had them call for help. LOZOL online cod, He was arrested that night, although I begged and pleaded for the officers not to arrest him, they did anyway and I bonded him out of jail the very next morning. I was out of work for a week because of the damage to my face and neck. After that night, he promised to attend counseling and never lay a hand on me again, we made an agreement that if he did, I was pressing charges and leaving him, LOZOL FOR SALE.

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Domestic Violence goes beyond physical abuse. It is mental abuse as well. I can remember him yelling at me, telling me I was nothing, I was worthless, LOZOL reviews, I was stupid…you name it; he would say anything he possibly could to break me down. He would tell me that I couldn’t leave him because nobody else would want me or that if I did leave, he would hunt me and my family down and kill us, LOZOL FOR SALE. He would even go as far as to empty the bank account so I couldn’t leave him, so that I was completely dependent on him. This type of abuse has a dramatic effect in your daily life. You feel worthless, depressed and broken down, you withdraw from your loved ones; don’t perform to your fullest potential at work and in most cases end up sick more often than usual, effects of LOZOL.

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Now, it is time to give credit where credit is due. My family, Japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, friends, co-workers and bosses were absolutely wonderful through everything for me. If anybody deserves applause, they do, LOZOL FOR SALE. They stuck by me, when it was easier to walk away; they were there for me to lend a shoulder and helped me get out of the abusive relationship. Especially my family, just knowing I had somewhere to go when I finally decided to get out and knowing they would be there for me through every step of it all was an amazing feeling and a true blessing. My sister, canada, mexico, india, in particular, although she may live miles away, has been a rock. She was in an abusive relationship at the very same time I was, and we both left those men almost simultaneously, so we completely understood what we were both going through when we went through it. LOZOL FOR SALE, We no longer talk about the details of our tortuous past, we just tell each other we love each other and we are thankful to be out of that and close again. We understand each other and how precious our lives are. She is an amazing woman and I can only hope that someday, she too will be on a stage with me advocating for domestic violence victims.

And to end my story on a happy note…Since I left my ex-husband and followed through with prosecuting him, I have found myself again. I have figured out what it’s like to think and act for myself again without worrying about any repercussions. I’m able to enjoy time with family and friends and socialize, LOZOL FOR SALE. I believe that everything happens for a reason and always have. That being said, I went through that abuse for a reason, and my belief is that I went through it so that I may be able to reach out and help others who have been abused or are being abused. I am a stronger person today, because I stood up for myself. We all have a past, and some of us have worse than others, but it is ultimately up to us to determine our futures…make yours a happy one, I know I am.

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