Pamela

Editor’s note: I get a ton of emails from people saying things like, “My story is not nearly as traumatic/intense/important as the other stories I read on this site.” Pamela herself sent one just last week, with a twist. She wrote:

I keep reading and re-reading all of the VU stories, and I am struck by each and every one of them. Maybe I should use a different word than ‘struck’… but those stories have burned an impression on my soul almost in the way my own experience has. So many of those women have faced certain death and have lived to tell about it. I feel so lucky, so blessed, that my life was not on the line in the way that theirs were.

The thought has crossed my mind that all of them have so much more right to tell their stories, as the physical and emotional pain they must have endured was so much greater than mine, their lives were so much more dangerous.

But the truth of the matter is that any violence, any hitting, any rape, any kicking… ANY and ALL of it is wrong. And ALL of it is less than we deserve, no matter the scope of the problem. I’m glad I sent you my story, because maybe there’s a someone, a victim, who is living what I experienced, who is reading Violence Unsilenced and thinking that the pain she is enduring is not great enough to report, compared to the stories she’s read.

I would tell her this: Yes. Your pain is valid. This is not safe for you. Pleasepleaseplease know that there are people who love you and want you to be safe and healthy and that all abuse is abuse.

Yes. Exactly.

Here is Pamela’s story:

***

I pursued him.

We had both picked up a very part-time job raising money for a local not-for-profit’s capital campaign. I was finishing a bonus semester at college (bonus because I needed one more class to be able to graduate), and he needed to supplement his freelancer’s income. He was quiet, almost shy, unassuming, polite… and I pursued him.

I initiated our relationship. I sought him out. I thought I knew the sort of person he was.

Shortly after we started dating, I was pretty much moved into his apartment. Things were going well, mostly, for a while. Then little things started popping up…. He started asking a lot of questions about where I was going, who was I going with, needing specifics. He would be annoyed when I would visit my family out of state, when I’d see my girlfriend across town. He told me so many times he wanted to take care of me that to this day it makes me want to pound my head through a wall when I hear someone say it.

I am not a person that needs to be taken care of. I never have been.

I don’t even remember the first time he raped me. I was asleep, and I woke up to him all over me. I pushed him off, or at least I tried…. I told him to stop. He was taking care of himself, and when he was finished, he rolled over and went to sleep like nothing happened.

Again and again and again it happened. It’s not even a little bit accurate to say “it happened” because it didn’t just happen. He did that to me. He forced me to have sex with him. He raped me so many times I lost count.

It took me a really long time to get out of that relationship. It’s been almost ten years since I’ve seen him. I’m married to a wonderful, gentle man who knows I was raped. And while he’s never told me he’s going to take care of me, he does, in countless ways that are kind and loving; ways that do not require me to be smaller or hurt or less of a woman; ways that are uplifting and genuine and true.

And I am thankful.

***
Pamela blogs at The Dayton Time

May 7, 2009 | Filed Under meta, sexual abuse, survivor story | 37 Comments

About the post that disappeared (and reappeared again.)

Yesterday I posted the transcript of the Chris Brown and Rihanna affidavit, and about fifteen of you had the chance to comment before I pulled it. I wasn’t going to explain what happened, but I’ve decided this is a good time to touch on my thoughts regarding our responsibility as readers of this site, and why this blog is probably a bit different than the others. Bear with me a moment.

Let me first say that no one did or said anything wrong. I love a good healthy debate as much as the next person and I believe that well-argued disagreements are one of the only ways I truly learn and/or change my stance on issues. That said, this just isn’t the place.

I take full responsibility for setting the tone of yesterday’s post. I had just discovered the affidavit and I was shocked, hurt, and angry. I came straight to this site thinking I had a mandate to speak on this case simply because of its subject matter, and I forgot for a minute just what it is I’m doing here. I post survivor stories, and the occasional bit of housekeeping. With that post I veered way off topic.

There are so many websites and resources out there better equipped to deal with domestic violence, better at making you understand what you don’t, better at assisting those who so badly need it. As I’ve said on the “About” page, I am not that person. This is not that place. I know a thing or two about writing and the blogging community, and that is what I am focused on here. I am bringing you the stories of your peers with the sole intention of enlightening you. My mission is to harness the power of words and the power of the blogosphere and most of all, to create a safe environment, one free from judgment.

Victims of abuse do not need your judgment. They need your ear. As for concrete help, yes, they need that, too, but not from us. We are here to listen and support.

The traffic this site gets is much higher than the comments indicate. Many of you have told me you read these stories and you are struck speechless, or you don’t want to keep saying the same things over and over again inside the comment box. Please, consider this: If this were my personal blog then yes, it would be weird if you left the exact same comment all the time. But for each of these survivors, their one post is everything. Everything. They will continue to check it, they will circulate it among friends and family, they will link to it now and in the future. They need to know you are listening to them. That their bravery has not been for nothing.

Comment moderation is on because I feel a personal responsibility to the people who have been brave and generous enough to share their stories here. I’m against censorship, but I want to be a shield. Again, this is not a personal blog.

But please, don’t let that stop you from lending your support, even if it feels as small as, “Thank you for speaking out.” Believe me, it won’t feel small to them.

You know how when you’ve got a friend, and that friend tells you you’re not fat, and then some stranger walks by and you think the stranger looks fine but your friend goes, “Wow, what a fatso!” and you’re all, “Dang, I didn’t think that lady was fat, and if my friend thinks she’s fat she probably deep down thinks I’m fat, too.” You know? I got worried that the Chris Brown/Rihanna post invited judgment, even in the kind, subtle way, because she’s a stranger and a celebrity and we feel free to say whatever we want about her. I pulled yesterday’s post because I worried that there would be survivors that saw those comments and internalized them; that were scared off from posting here, or leaving their abusers, or contacting me.

I will not be able to live with myself if I hurt anyone with this site, inadvertently or not.

It’s a fine, fine line you and I are walking here. Above all else my ultimate intention is to create a safe and nurturing environment for my fellow bloggers who are willing to share their excruciatingly personal and painful stories here. That’s all.

So.

Thank you for being here because, believe me, it means everything to someone. Do you know that? The fact that you are here reading and supporting means everything to a whole lot of someone’s out there, whether they speak up or not.

***

I’m putting yesterday’s post back up because I want the world to know the truth about what happened in that car between Chris Brown and Rihanna. However, comments are closed.

Please read what our survivor, Jodi, had to say over at Mamapop about Chris Brown and Rihanna.

Also read what Sam (our generous web designer) had to say on Canada Moms Blog.

March 8, 2009 | Filed Under News and Housekeeping, meta | 19 Comments

The first 24-hours

To get this ball rolling, I will be posting three more survivor stories this week — one on Wednesday, another on Thursday, and the third on Friday. From then on out I will only post one a week, on Mondays. I want each survivor to have her/his space and time, but I’m sure these first few won’t mind being warriors for the new cause — because that’s exactly what they are.

I wrote what follows as an email to a friend today, then decided to share it here — because it isn’t about me. It isn’t about me doing some magical thing, it’s about you taking up this cause as your own. It’s about you, all of you, and I have never been more awestruck in all my life.

***

So I launched yesterday around noon. After that, things got crazy. I had a vague sense that things were crazy, but I didn’t really have the time to sit down and think about it. I just knew I was really busy and really distracted, and went to bed really late with a headache and the realization that I hadn’t eaten all day.

It continued today and around noon I decided to stop everything and really take stock, because I figured I would appreciate being able to look back someday. So I sat there and added some stuff up.

The first 24-hours of Violence UnSilenced:

2,250 hits on violenceunsilenced.com

1,329 hits on okayfinedammit.com (where comments were closed)

106 comments

126 emails (not including the 44 between the designer and I)

51 mentions of the words ‘violenceunsilenced’ on Twitter, not including my own — (a fun illustration of this is to go to www.summize.com and type in ‘violenceunsilenced’ and also ‘maggiedammit’)

10 direct messages on twitter

22 new twitter followers

9 Facebook messages

an instant Technorati rank of 7 right out of the gates, with 22 blog reactions

a request for an interview on blog talk radio next week

an email from a journalist in L.A.

a request for a Q&A on another blog

another blogger actually made a video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wnxaSs4wZY

the editor of BlogNosh magazine requested a badge to put in rotation on her (megapopular) site for free

countless numbers of Diggs, Stumbles, and Google Reader shares (no way for me to track this)

#2 spot on Kirtsy.com for the day

and, most importantly: 32 new survivor stories sitting in my inbox ready to publish

Crazy, huh? And that was all by noon. I cleared my blackberry at noon and when I left my office today at 3:15pm there were 143 brand new messages on it.

I’m having a beer.

***

Thank you all again for collectively taking up this cause and making it your own. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s survivor story.

February 17, 2009 | Filed Under meta | 28 Comments

The Beginning

The day I announced I’d be starting a domestic violence blog, I signed up for two Google alerts. Any time the words “domestic violence” and “murder suicide” appeared in the national news, I wanted to know about it. At the time I wasn’t exactly sure what this new blog would be, and I thought the alerts would be a good start, a practical way to stay up to date on blogworthy news items. I thought it would give me ideas. I expected a handful of emails and a truckful of inspiration.

But from day one my inbox was bombarded. In fact, I was so overwhelmingly inundated by domestic violence and sexual assault related emails that I had to cancel the alerts to preserve my sanity. I’m not gonna lie; I felt very discouraged and small. I felt like this was a mistake. I knew this was a huge issue, but I’d never really looked at the prevalence of violence on a day-to-day basis and it blew my mind. Frankly, it delayed this project for a while. After all, who the hell am I?

I am not an expert. I am not an educator. I am not a counselor. I’m just a woman hobbled by an old experience, a journalist inspired by a story, and a blogger — and that’s when it sunk in. I’m a blogger who has been touched and astounded by the power of this community over the past two years. I know what it can do.

And that’s something.

So I’m starting small, and I’m sticking to what I know. My vision for this site is to bring the survivor stories of other bloggers to you with the hope that you will see yourself, or your brother, or your daughter, or your neighbor, in their words. With the hope that you will feel safe enough and inspired enough to chime in. With the hope that by the telling and the listening we will all be better people. I know what you people are capable of. I’m here to collect and disseminate your stories of abuse. I’m here to ask you to tell them, to hear them, and to spread the word.

Sure, I still want big things. I want to make a difference. I want to ‘be the change.’ I want to spark awareness and I want to reach you through your computer screen and I want to shake you and show you either that you are not alone, or that you are blind to what is all around you. I have such high hopes. But every big thing needs a beginning. This is ours.

Here is what I’m asking you to do.

1. SPEAK OUT: Tell your story. Read this, and email me at maggie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com with questions.

2. TAKE THE PLEDGE: Read the stories of your fellow bloggers. Subscribe to the feed, grab a badge for your sidebar, and add ViolenceUnSilenced to your blogroll and I’ll return the favor on the pledge page.

3. SPREAD THE WORD: Share this post in your Reader, Twitter it, Stumble it, Kirtsy it, Digg it, whatever it is you Internet savvy folks do. There are gazillions of personal blogs out there, and one in four women share this experience. I’d venture to guess a hell of a lot of men do, too.

When you’ve done as many of these things as you can possibly do, drop a comment here and you’ll be entered to win a necklace, the same one I gave away with the Violence UnSilenced naming contest, generously donated by my friend, Elizabeth. It says ‘Peace’ on one side, and on the other (facing a person’s chest) it says ‘at home.’ It is strung on deep purple suede, and valued at $84. It’s pretty awesome.

When Elizabeth sent this necklace to the winner of the naming contest, she surprised me by sending me one, too. I’ve been wearing it, and I hate to part with it, but I’ll happily give it up to one of you for helping me out with this cause.

Speaking of generous women, my friend Samantha — the blogger and wonder designer behind BlogNosh, Don Mills Diva, and of course, Okay, Fine, Dammit — designed the new Violence UnSilenced blog free of charge. She put up with literally hundreds of emails from me, and not only that? She chipped in the domain registration and hosting. I’m incredibly grateful and humbled by her help. If you’d like to show her thanks, be sure and check out her impressive portfolio at Temptation Designs.

Time to cross my fingers and hit publish. Thank you all for the support you’ve already shown this cause. I will post the first survivor story tomorrow, and end the contest one week from today on Monday, February 23.

Here’s to The Beginning.