Wednesday Q&A: With warning signs so subtle and disguised, how do I see them and what am I looking for?
QUESTION
We’ve discussed what to do if you know or suspect that someone is being abused. But there’s another question. It’s one I’ve pondered often, but it was really brought to the top of the heap by a quote from a friend and neighbor of Carolyn Cox. The friend, Jim Wester, said, “If you suspect something, then you start looking for clues; but if you don’t suspect something, you are not looking for clues, and neither one of us suspected anything.”
And he’s 100% right. How many times have we read in these stories on VU that the friends and family never suspected anything was wrong? How often does the victim herself/himself not recognize something is wrong? I think — I hope anyway — that most people would take some kind of action if they knew or suspected someone they knew was being abused. But it’s not as if the victims wear a scarlet letter that identifies them. And because of the nature of the problem, victims become very skilled at hiding it — even from themselves.
I frequently tell myself I’m “seeing a victim behind every tree”. And then I realize that’s because there actually is a victim behind every tree. So how do I tell the difference between the true victim and the one I’m seeing as a victim but actually isn’t? With signs so subtle and so carefully disguised, how do I see them? What am I looking for?
ANSWER
Thanks for this question. It reminds me of this recent post, in which the writer describes reaching out to a stranger after witnessing a verbally abusive incident. This is how she describes her first impression of the man and woman involved: “She looked tired and defeated. He looked agitated and twitchy. As soon as I saw them, I knew what kind of relationship they had.”
Letter writer, you are right–it’s often not as simple as seeing bruises or burn marks or witnessing one person berating another. And you’re right, too, that some survivors work hard to hide their abuse or explain it away. I suppose there may be times no one sees the signs because they’re so subtle or disguised. But the post above reminds us that even the subtlest of signs can act as bold, red flags.
More often, I suspect we don’t see the signs because we don’t want to see them, or we’re not trained to see them, or we don’t want to rock boats, or we’ve bought into that widespread notion that it’s none of our business anyway, or we’re ignoring that internal alarm system that tells us, “hey, something’s not right here.” We want to think of our loved ones as happy and fine. They hand us their lives as neatly wrapped packages, shiny and tied with bows, and then hope we never open the box and look inside. And too often, the rest of us oblige.
Last weekend I had dinner with a friend from out of state who recently went through a divorce. Her husband never hit her, but he obliterated her self-esteem. He screamed at her and called her names and made her feel worthless and ugly.
After they separated, friends congratulated her. “We never liked the way he treated you,” they said. These responses made her mad–her friends had known something wasn’t right, but they never spoke up or expressed concern for her well-being. “If he’d beaten me, they would have said something–but nobody was willing to say anything about how he battered my spirit,” my friend said.
To me, her story underscores the necessity that we speak up, in ways that are safe and confidential and nonjudgmental, every time we can. Every time we suspect something is wrong. Yes, from the outsider’s perspective, there can be a wide, muddy line between a relationship that is abusive and one that is simply unhappy. Some of the signs may be similar, but at their roots, they are very different.
Below is a starter list of some of those subtler signs of abuse. This list is not exclusive, nor do any of these signs necessarily mean abuse is occurring. But these are signs to watch for, characteristics that should snag your attention and make you think:
- A need to make the relationship appear perfect to friends and family
- Worry over saying the wrong thing
- Needing to get permission from one’s partner before taking action
- Unease over making decisions on one’s own
- Excessive excuse-making for the partner’s behavior
- Unwillingness (or inability) to disagree with one’s partner in public
- Any exhibition, however subtle, of fear or anxiety in the presence of one’s partner
- Any statement like, “My partner would never let me do that,” or “Oh no, my partner is going to be really angry,” or “My partner doesn’t let me [fill in the blank].”
- Excessive canceling of social engagements, paired with excuses that strike you as off
- Flinching easily; regularly appearing distracted or overly anxious
- Disengaging from activities or hobbies they once enjoyed
- Being regularly late to work; making mistakes or forgetting things in a way that is out of character
- Suddenly becoming overly private or withdrawn
I would love to hear what readers think — what would you add to this list?
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. Most recently, she has worked for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com .
Wednesday Q&A: How Can I Honor DV Awareness Month?
QUESTION
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. What can I do? What actions make the biggest impact? The stories shared here at Violence Unsilenced make me want to do more, and turn anger (and empathy and inspiration) into action.
ANSWER
Yes! In communities across the country, October is a time of purple ribbons, speak-outs, peace vigils and more. (Similarly, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, another important opportunity for community awareness-raising.)
The best activities are those that inspire real discussion, that empower others to move from bystander to ally (or from ignorance to informed), and that help people challenge the stereotypes and assumptions that allow domestic violence to thrive.
Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
- Ask your local DV agency if they’re planning a calendar of events. Share the calendar with your friends and neighbors (and, if you have time, volunteer to help).
- Create an event or campaign of your own. Write a letter to the editor highlighting common warning signs, ask bars and restaurants to post fliers about local services in their restrooms, or host a speak-out at a community center where survivors and their loved ones can share their stories in a safe and affirming environment. As a helpful resource, the Domestic Violence Awareness Project offers programming ideas, a national DVAM calendar of events, downloadable materials and more.
- Talk about the issue with people you care about. For example, if you have tweens or teens in your life, talk openly with them about the importance of healthy relationships and what they can do if they witness behaviors that make them feel uncomfortable.
- Think critically about the messages portrayed in media, marketing and entertainment — and speak out if something isn’t right.
- Involve your workplace — organize a brown bag discussion with a representative from your local shelter, distribute information about local resources, or ask HR if they have a protocol for how to help victims. Domestic violence represents a huge cost and concern to businesses, and companies can do so much to protect employees and promote safety. Groups like the Family Violence Prevention Fund and the Safe at Work Coalition help companies create safe environments and raise awareness about the problem.
- Involve your house of worship. Ask if you can write an essay for the weekly bulletin dispelling common myths and highlighting how communities can help, or arrange a collection to benefit your local domestic violence shelter.
- Consider making a personal donation — no matter how large or small — to your local domestic violence organization. In today’s economic climate, more and more DV agencies face a rising need for services just as government and private funding sources are shrinking. They need your support now more than ever.
October is a helpful time to make sure these issues rise to the forefront of our communities’ attention. But the truth is, we need to do this work year-round, to make a difference and end this epidemic.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. Most recently, she has worked for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com .
Wednesday Q&A: Should I tell my new partner about my past?
QUESTION:
I am struggling with how, when, and/or whether to tell my partner about my past. I have been seeing a wonderful man for a few months. Because of the abuse in my last relationship, it’s taken me a while to trust him. Early in our relationship, when talking about our lives and where we were from, he mentioned his past relationships. I told him where I grew up, where I went to school, etc. When he asked about my past relationships, I kept my answer vague and told him it had been a while since I’d seen anyone. He’s asked again, a couple of times — not in an insistent way, but more out of care and curiosity. I don’t know what to say, and I think it’s growing obvious to him that something deeper lies beyond my brief and evasive replies. Some important back story: This is my first relationship in almost five years, and the first one since I left my ex-boyfriend, who was emotionally and psychologically abusive. We were together for several years, starting early in college. Leaving was hard, but I finally escaped and moved to a new city where I had friends and better job prospects. I’ve focused the last five years on building a life, finding a career I love, getting therapy. I feel I’m in a much better place now. This new relationship, which we’ve taken slow, feels healthy and good, and nothing like my last one. But I’m not sure I’m ready to be completely vulnerable and expose my past to him. Does he deserve an honest answer? What should I say the next time he asks?
ANSWER:
Your past is your own. You get to choose who you share it with, when you share it, and how.
If you’re not ready to share the story of your last relationship with your new partner, there are simple ways to answer his question without sounding evasive. For example: “I dated my college boyfriend for several years. We were young, and it didn’t work out. We broke up right before I decided to move here.”
In no way are you obligated in a new relationship–or any, for that matter–to reveal a full account of the abuse you experienced. With enough trust and time, there may come a point in the future when you feel ready to begin sharing your history with your partner. If you decide to make a more long-term commitment, or decide to live together, disclosing your history may become important, as you may have certain needs, triggers and/or boundaries that you want your partner to understand and respect. And, because the effects of abuse can play out in sometimes surprising ways, there may be a time when you want to turn to your partner for support.
If and when you decide to begin the process of sharing, remember this: You don’t need to tell him everything at once. Start with the basics — something like the following: “You may remember that I didn’t want to go into detail about my past relationship. That’s because some painful things happened. My ex was emotionally abusive, and while I’ve learned how to heal from it, I’m still not completely comfortable talking about what happened. I care about you, though, and while it’s very scary to do this, I wanted you to know those basics.”
Over time, you can reveal other details if and when you feel ready. You can invite him to ask you questions, but make sure to explain to him up front that there may be questions you don’t want to address.
One final point. I want to encourage you to think about the root of your caution. If something in your gut is telling you not to trust your partner with the story of your past, that is a very important voice to listen to.
Good luck to you. And congratulations on building a healthy, happy life.
P.S. I would love to hear other readers’ thoughts on this subject. It’s a question I hear often, and I’ve seen different people approach this situation in different (and healthy) ways. So — chime in!
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. Most recently, she has worked for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
Wednesday Q&A: How can I help my emotionally abused friend?
QUESTION:
I have a friend who is in an emotionally abusive situation with her husband of about five years. About four years ago, there was an isolated physically abusive incident, but since then, she is adamant that it has not escalated that far again. He didn’t hit her in that situation, but in that incident he threw a lamp at her. She has expressed that she wants to leave, but that she is scared to make that decision. She also is hoping things get better. Right now, she is living day by day. From my perspective, she is walking on eggshells in order to avoid screaming matches. All of her actions are to prevent him from getting angry with her. When he gets angry, it is always irrational and over something that could be discussed rather than argued about, and things that she cannot always control. He calls her names, he makes her feel worthless, he refuses to have sex with her (and that is something that has been an issue since day one of their marriage), he degrades the way she looks, etc.
My question is, although this situation isn’t necessarily physical, are the rules still the same as far as intervention from friends? Previously, on another Q&A, a mother of a physically abused woman was encouraged not to demand that her daughter leave and was given pointers on how to her her feel safer. In the situation of my friend, what do we do? We have a group of supportive friends that would be willing to get her out, but we know that it is her choice to make. We want to help in any way that we can, we just don’t know where the line is. Help!!
ANSWER:
Your friend is lucky to have you. And you’re right: If and when she leaves is a decision she needs to make for herself.
Many of the same “rules” still apply — leaving any abusive relationship (whether it is physical or emotional) in a way that is safe requires an often-overwhelming amount of planning and resources. Encouraging your friend to “just leave” can be dangerous to her safety. In addition, if she isn’t ready to leave, she may interpret your encouragement as yet another demand, another judgment, another way in which she fails to measure up to the expectations from those around her. And she’ll pull away.
Survivors who’ve experienced both physical and emotional violence often say later that the emotional injuries were more difficult to deal with and took far longer to heal. Emotional abuse can erode your sense of self, can make you doubt your own instincts, can make you believe your partner when he tells you that you’re worthless. Emotional abuse, over time, can cause you to believe you deserve it.
Right now, your friend needs your unconditional listening and your nonjudgmental friendship. Your circle of friends can work together to create a safe, supportive space. If she comes to you to talk about what’s happening at home, listen. And tell her that you love her. That she deserves to be loved. That love should not cause pain or fear. That the abuse is not her fault.
If she actively wants to leave but isn’t sure how to make that happen safely, you can suggest she call a domestic violence help line. But let her make the call when she’s ready. And if you’ve already offered this suggestion, there is no need to offer it again. Most likely she remembers. It can take a lot of guts to make that first call to a crisis line. It’s hard and scary. It’s admitting, sometimes for the first time, that this problem exists, that it’s dangerous, and that it isn’t something she can make better on her own.
Don’t give up. She needs you. Your friendship offers the steady notion that someone loves her and believes in her and wants the hurt to stop. This quiet reminder may help her realize she doesn’t deserve it after all.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. Most recently, she has worked for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
