Wednesday Q&A: Is it ‘rape’ if I was old enough to say no?
Question:
I was a “tween” when a friend of the family started sexually abusing me. At the time, I felt like my words had little control over the situation, so I just didn’t say anything. But then I started wondering if it was really rape because I wasn’t a little kid when it started. I knew it was wrong, but I felt like I should have known better, been able to avoid it, and certainly not gone along without much protest. Everything I’ve read about young people as survivors talks about the abuse of very young children and then date rate for older teens, but the in-between age range is kind of blurry. So my question: Is is really ‘rape’ if I was old enough to say no, but didn’t?
Answer:
The very short answer is yes. I am so sorry this happened to you. You have absolutely no reason to blame yourself for this man’s actions. This was not your fault.
While many cases of child sexual abuse begin when kids are very little, it’s more common for abuse to begin during a child’s pre-teen years, between the ages of 8 and 12 (national statistics show the average age of first abuse is 9.9 years for boys and 9.6 years for girls). Like you, the vast majority of child sexual abuse survivors knew their abusers. And like your abuser probably did, most abusers spend months or more gaining their victims’ trust before the abuse begins.
It’s the job of adults to protect children from bad things. It’s the job of adults to create safe spaces for children so they can thrive free of harm. It’s the job of adults to use their age, strength and influence in good and constructive ways. This adult in your life, this so-called family “friend”, failed in all counts. As a “tween,” you were still very much a child. In the absence of a vocal “no”, his behavior remains unconscionably wrong.
If one is available, and if it feels like a good fit for you, you might consider joining a support group in your community for survivors of child sexual abuse. Alternatively, several online communities offer virtual support and honor the strength and stories of survivors — such as After Silence as well as the website you’re visiting here.
As a society, it’s absolutely critical that we help children, tweens and teens learn how to talk about these issues. Parents, guardians and teachers can help pre-teens understand how to ask for help if something happens that makes them feel uncomfortable. iParenting offers an informative article about helping pre-teens exercise control over their own boundaries. Tween Parent offers another helpful guide for talking with pre-teens about sex and sexuality.
Good luck to you. I am glad you found this community, and I wish you the best.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. Most recently, she has worked for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
Wednesday Q&A: As a survivor, am I ready to volunteer?
QUESTION:
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by a family member. I am now in my 30s, in a loving and committed relationship with someone who values and respects me, and I have worked hard to create a healthy and fulfilling life as an adult. I have been thinking about volunteering for my local women’s center, which helps women who have experienced sexual abuse and domestic violence. It’s an issue I care deeply about, but I’m not entirely sure I could handle it. So, I guess this is my question: As a survivor, how do you know if you’re ready to volunteer to help others?
ANSWER:
Congratulations on building such a healthy life for yourself and with your partner! And good for you for wanting to use your time and energy to help women in crisis. This is a question many survivors wonder about — and it’s a very healthy question to consider.
It’s clear this is something that is very important to you. And it sounds like many years have passed since your abuse occurred. This is an important detail. Most sexual assault and domestic violence programs suggest survivors wait at least a year (and often longer) after their abuse has ended before thinking about volunteering, to avoid becoming retraumatized.
A helpful first step for you might be to call your local women’s center and talk with their volunteer coordinator. Questions you can ask include:
1. What kinds of volunteer opportunities are available? In addition to working directly with clients, most women’s centers offer clerical and other in-direct service opportunities, too — like volunteering in the office, helping with fund-raising events, speaking to community groups to raise awareness, helping with the newsletter, writing letters to the editor, etc. You could consider trying one of these positions first. If you feel successful and comfortable, you could then think about transitioning to direct-service work with other survivors.
In addition, ask what types of direct-service volunteer opportunities they offer. It may be that while certain client populations may be difficult for you, others might feel like a good fit. For example, at the domestic violence shelter in my community, we have volunteers who don’t feel comfortable working in our children’s program because of the emotions that would trigger for them. But they are comfortable volunteering on the crisis line, because the population being helped and the degree of personal involvement required matches what they need to feel safe and comfortable.
2. What kind of volunteer training do you provide? Most crisis-based women’s centers provide fairly intensive training for new volunteers, before you ever work with clients (for example, our domestic violence program requires 40 hours of training, and our local rape crisis center requires 20 hours). The best training programs include role-playing exercises, too, designed to mimic real-life interactions with clients. Not only does training equip you with what you need to be an effective volunteer, it also acts as a trial period that allows you to determine whether the work feels like an emotionally appropriate fit.
3. What kinds of ongoing support do you offer volunteers? Most rape crisis and domestic violence programs offer ways for volunteers to check in with one another, process how they’re feeling, and talk about the challenges, stresses and joys of their work, all in a safe, supportive space. For survivors who go on to become volunteers, this ongoing support can be critical.
One final note: It’s important to gauge your feelings of comfort and safety — if your gut is telling you that a certain type of volunteer work is too much or too difficult, step back and consider other, safer ways to feel involved.
Good luck to you!
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
Wednesday Q&A: Is my boyfriend’s jealousy abuse?
QUESTION:
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I am 19. We started dating when I was a junior in high school and he was a sophomore in college. Now I am about to start college at a school three hours away. We love each other and decided to make our relationship work, even though it will be long distance. I moved to college three weeks ago for a summer orientation program. I am living in a co-ed dorm with 50 other students. I am shy, but I have made some friends in my hall, which makes me feel much less nervous about starting classes in a few weeks. My boyfriend and I talk every night. I thought he would be happy for me, because it usually takes me a while to come out of my shell. But he has gotten really angry. He accuses me of cheating on him, and always asks if there are guys in my room. He tells me that I never loved him and wants to know whether I cheated on him before I moved away. I have never given him any reason to feel this way (and honestly never cheated). My roommate overheard our conversation a couple of nights ago and asked what was going on. She told me that jealousy and control are signs of abuse. My boyfriend has never tried to hurt me, but he gets very jealous when guys look at me, and he always likes to do things for me that I would rather do for myself. These things never really bothered me until now, but I’m wondering are those warning signs, too? Now he is telling me I should transfer to his school even though it doesn’t offer my degree program. He said that he doesn’t think he can handle a long-distance relationship, that he’s not sure he can trust me being so far away, and says if I don’t come back he will hurt himself. I don’t know what to do.
ANSWER:
You deserve to feel safe and trusted in your relationship; you deserve to feel completely yourself when you are with your partner. Your relationship should be a place where you feel celebrated for being you. You deserve this.
When a relationship undergoes a major change (like one partner moving away or changing careers, for example), it can be natural for one or both partners to need a little reassurance that the basic parameters of the relationship haven’t changed, and that they can continue relying on the relationship for support. However, the situation you are describing is very, very different.
Your boyfriend’s behavior raises serious red flags. The roommate is right: Control and jealousy are two huge warning signs of dating violence and emotional abuse. It sounds like your boyfriend may regularly engage in controlling behaviors, and he has certainly exhibited unwarranted jealousy. In addition, he is threatening to harm himself as a way of manipulating you into doing what he wants. The use of threats – to your safety, the safety of others, or to himself – is another classic warning sign. These behaviors can escalate into more severe forms of abuse if left unchecked — including physical violence.
It sounds like your instincts are telling you that your boyfriend’s behavior is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. Your top priority should be keeping yourself safe. The following steps can help:
First, you can learn more about dating abuse. Here are a few places to start:
Second, you can consider talking with someone at your campus counseling center. Typically these services are free of charge and connect you with a trained professional who can help you identify ways to navigate your relationship safely and talk through your options. If your campus does not have a counseling center, you can call the National Teen Dating Violence Hotline at 1-866-331-9474 for support, information and problem-solving.
Third, you can continue building those friendships at school. Having a strong support system is a critical piece of any safety plan. Speaking of, you can learn more about safety planning, in the event your boyfriend’s abusive behaviors escalate or you continue to feel unsafe and uncertain.
Fourth, if you are sincerely worried your boyfriend may hurt himself, and if you feel comfortable doing so, you can share with him the phone number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Fifth, and perhaps most importantly, if in the future you decide to break up with your boyfriend, make sure you put your safety first:
- If you’re in person, break up with your boyfriend in a public place.
- Tell other people in advance that you plan to break up with him. Let them know where you’ll be.
- Arrange to call a friend, family member or counselor after you talk with your boyfriend so you can debrief what happened.
And remember, you are not alone. Please consider talking with a trusted friend or another adult. You do not need to go through this by yourself.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
Wednesday Q&A: Does Alcohol Cause Abuse?
QUESTION:
Many of the stories I’ve heard and read about (as well as the personal experiences of women I know) involve men who batter after drinking excessively. If alcohol abuse leads to partner abuse, it would make sense to focus on curbing alcoholism if we care about the lives and safety of women (not to mention their children). Is this off base? Does alcoholism cause domestic violence?
ANSWER:
The simple answer is “no.” Alcoholism does not cause abuse. Many people who abuse alcohol never abuse their partners. Likewise, many batterers have never had a drinking problem. In short, alcohol does not inspire violence from otherwise non-violent people.
That alcohol abuse leads to domestic violence is a common misconception, since they sometimes occur simultaneously. For example, the use of alcohol (and other drugs) can trigger an abusive episode from someone who is already prone to abusive behavior. In one study, abusive men who also suffered from alcoholism were 11 times more likely to assault their partners on days when the abusers had been drinking.
Alcohol also can increase the severity of a violent episode and, according to some studies, increase the likelihood that a victim will be killed. Domestic violence advocates often work with survivors to devise strategies for avoiding arguments or other conflicts when their abusers have been drinking, because the risk of escalated violence can be so much greater.
While alcohol abuse and domestic violence sometimes occur together, one does not cause the other. Unfortunately, many abusers rely on the popular belief that alcohol is the cause of their behavior. A common excuse many abusers use is that “the alcohol made me do it.” This is simply one more way abusers use to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Victims, too, can hold the belief that alcohol is somehow responsible (which can be a comforting thought, because no one wants to think their loved ones are capable of violence on their own). Many survivors tell us they hoped the abuse would stop once their abusers completed substance abuse treatment — but it almost never does. Batterers use this hope to their advantage; abusers who go through treatment and become sober often use this as a tool to exert further control over their partners, saying things like, “You can’t leave me – if you did, I would have to start using again, and it would be your fault.”
Effective treatment for alcoholic abusers focuses on both the alcoholism AND the partner abuse, as independent (if overlapping) problems. Addressing only the alcoholism will not end the abuse.
You can find more information about alcohol abuse and domestic violence here and here.
Thank you for asking this question — this is a common misunderstanding about what causes domestic violence, and I’m glad for the opportunity to address it!
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
