Cher
The following survivor story is written by Cher, who blogs at The Prozac Ranch.
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I’ve tried to write this story about a thousand times, and I get to a certain point and stop, because even to me, it sounds too fantastical to be true.
I’m a 42-year old survivor of childhood sexual abuse and later, spousal abuse and domestic violence. I separate “spousal abuse” and “domestic violence” for a reason.
In late 1990, I was in my fifth year of a very abusive relationship – one that had at one point or another found me:
* In the hospital with broken bones
* Tied to a bed and left for dead for three days
* Suffering from a life long seizure disorder after being beaten over the head with a two by four
* Flinching in fear every time I heard my name called
But in December of 1990, something changed and I’d had all I could handle. I guess my survival mechanism kicked in and I went into fight or flight mode, and since I had no means to flee, my only option was to fight. Until that point, I’d been living with spousal abuse, but after that, it became domestic violence, because I fought back.
I’ve seen interviews and talked with women who’ve killed their abusive spouses, and I am so grateful that I got out when I did because I could see myself going there. In the weeks before I left, I plotted several ways to kill him, and make it look like an accident. I could wait till he passed out, then soak him in booze and let a cigarette burn in an ashtray on his chest – just so that it would fall out and ignite him. I dreamed about those things.
Then, on the night of January 4th, 1991, as we were in the middle of one of our fights, he began to strangle me and I must have blacked out, because the next thing I knew, he was laying in the floor, unconscious and I was on the phone with 9-1-1 telling them I think I’d just killed my boyfriend. When the police came, the only thing that saved me from going to jail was the fact that he came too in a blind rage and tried to strangle me again.
A police officer, who’d been called to my home, happened to be someone I went to school with and told me that I needed to get away. I told him I had two small children and nowhere to go, and he offered to help me, if I promised I would leave and never go back. To this day, I’ve not told anyone who he was or what he did for me, because I don’t know if he’d be in danger of losing his job or not. But together, we worked out a plan, and a week later, I was three states away and haven’t looked back.
It’s been that long, and the memories and painful reminders of my past still haunt me. And though I’m now married to a wonderful man and together we have two more beautiful children, I still have moments when I’m fearful, and self-loathing. Moments when I still can’t stand loud noises or the sound of a man’s voice saying my name; moments when I see someone in a parking lot that resembles him, and I get away as fast as I possibly can.
Years of therapy have helped me see how my childhood set a pattern for me and the kinds of relationships I sought out. Therapy also helped me go from being a VICTIM, to being a survivor. I will never again allow myself to be put in a situation to be abused.
That night, when I choked my boyfriend till he passed out, I very easily could have killed him. I would have become what I hated so much. I’m grateful that I didn’t.
Through therapy, I was able to see that the patterns of abuse I suffered through my childhood, helped me in believing that my purpose on earth was to be used and subsequently abused by men. I didn’t know what real love was, only the kind of love that caused me pain. I was actually uncomfortable with people who treated me well, and more “at home” with people who belittled me, insulted me, or injured me. As I grew from a girl to a woman and lost the “love of my father”, I sought replacement with abusive men. Today, I know that love is not supposed to hurt us, and that being loved can be a healthy and wonderful thing. I don’t seek out those “replacement father figures” anymore. I stay away from bars and dives, and drinking and dope. I don’t allow myself to be talked to like anything less than a lady and I have strict boundaries for myself and how I allow others to treat me. I cannot control what others do, this is true, but I’m smart and can assess a situation to determine whether or not it is healthy for me.
Today I do volunteer work with a local organization that helps victims of domestic violence escape and build new lives as survivors. But leaving can be almost as dangerous as staying. Make a plan, contact someone, have back up, and once you leave, never EVER look back. Statistics state that more women are killed while trying to leave their abusive spouses then are killed in actual acts of domestic violence, so play it smart.
Start by TELLING someone.
31 Responses to “Cher”
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Thank YOU for telling someone.
You’re incredibly brave Cher.
SO happy that you got out and were able to find out what normal really is. (And it ain’t just a town in northern Illinois.)
Bless you for continuing to help others, both in your work and by sharing what is no doubt a very painful testimonial to why no one deserves to live in violence.
Your story is bound to strike a chord with someone who desperately needs a message of hope and survival.
Thank you for sharing your story!
It is amazing how much strength can come out of so much pain – thank you for writting and sharing your story.
Cher – it took so much strength to get out and you did it – but more than that you are helping others – Bravo to you for your courage and strength!
I’ve heard stories just like this more times than I can count. Only the details change. And every.single.time it baffles me that someone can be so inhuman to a person they profess to love.
Whatever it took to get you out of there, I’m glad you found it. And grateful to you for letting someone else know that this is not okay, that you deserve better.
And I hope eventually you’ll be able to hear your name without flinching.
Thank you for sharing your story hon. I’m one of those woman who not unlike you felt she love was meant to be a fist. I’m also a child of sexual abuse.
I know all too well what happens when you look back, the irony is it’s one of the first things they tell you in Domestic Violence shelters, is that quite a few woman do go back. We all say no way, I’m done while in the safety and confines of shelter. Quite a few of these woman don’t know how to live without the violence, safe is unfamiliar territory for them and just as terrifying.
Perhaps the threat is there if they leave…however I would like to strongly add they have a chance of dying IF they stay as well. It wasn’t the leaving that almost cost me my life, it was the staying. I’m also a volunteer at my local SOS shelter. Some how women are more likely to listen to someone who’s already been where they are. It’s my way of taking my life back, one piece at a time. (Hugs)Indigo
Thank you for telling this story. I’m glad you found the courage to leave and the knowledge to not let it happen again.
Cher, I just wanted you to know how proud of you I am, my friend… (((HUGS)))
No matter how many stories like this that I hear, I will never stop being moved by them. You are a very brave woman, Cher. Very brave. I’m so happy you got out and are now helping others. Amazing.
You and women like you who are still in that place are why I’m walking in the Race Against Violence this weekend. So glad you got out, and that you’re using your experience to help others. You rock, Cher.
Thank you for sharing. The statistics you shared are all to famiiar to me.
I just want to say that I think it is fantastic that you did something to help women that were in your position. You didn’t just get out, you get people out. That makes you amazing!
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
oh, you brave woman.
The man who helped you plan to get out should recieve a metal. I am glad that you got out safely and that you are in a healthy and happy relationship. Thank you for telling your story.
i’m glad your friend was there…. he deserves a special place in this world and beyond.
i’m glad you are a survivor, too.
thank you for sharing… it’s hard.
Thank you for your story.
Wow. I’m so happy you made the decision to leave.
Good for you for not only having the courage to fight and get out, but for having the courage to LIVE again. To have the courage to choose your own happiness – despite everything you’ve been through – and to get married again and have more children couldn’t have been an easy road at times. Much love to you and your family and all the woman you help through your volunteer work. And BIG, HUGE love to that police officer for helping you the way he did.
Thankfully you got out before you completely snapped and killed him. I too thought of ways of killing my husband and making it look like an accident, I even cut the brake line in his car, or so I thought, what I really cut was just some sort of oil wire… Thanks for sharing
Thank you for sharing. I hope your story can help someone else in need. Maybe several someones.
I am so proud of you.
The strength you must have within you is awe-inspiring. Thank you for this…
I’m so glad you reached that turning point so many years ago. You’re an amazing role model for the idea that the only true escape from the pattern of abuse is through working on yourself. Thank you for sharing.
I’m glad you’re free physically and I hope one day you’re free in every way. It is totally sad that your own name being called has to frighten you. All the best for the future. Eaton.
I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one that stayed in an abusive relationship for YEARS. I feel so stupid sometimes when I think about that, but then I remind myself that I was smart enough to leave.
I’m so glad you got out. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and a huge thank you for helping other victims of domestic violence.
Wow – this blew me away. Good for you to get out of there, even better that you were able to let love into your life. Your kids must be proud of you!
I got goosebumps reading this line: “To this day, I’ve not told anyone who he was or what he did for me, because I don’t know if he’d be in danger of losing his job or not. But together, we worked out a plan, and a week later, I was three states away and haven’t looked back.”
Thank God for some of the incredible heroes in this world!!
I’ve read 6 stories tonight, I think, and this will be my last for the evening because I’m so overwhelmed with emotion.
I’ve tried to use different words for every person to let them know that I have actually read their stories and see them as unique, but one word I’ve used often is brave.
You are brave!
I love that there is a happy ending!!