Chibi Jeebs
Note: This post was originally written in January 2010 and appeared on Chibi’s personal blog.
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Jenn of Princess Prose has been writing a very educational and thought-provoking series on relationships. Part 4 hit particularly close to home because it involves trust. Recently I wrote about wondering if I’m good enough, and how trusting myself is a struggle. I know that a lot of my issues (or a large portion of my issues) could be chalked up to childhood, growing up, what have you; however, there is one piece of the puzzle that overrides everything.
When I was 18, I met a guy named Matt who was younger than I, but his… “extracurricular activities” made him experienced far beyond his years. He had brilliant blue eyes that flashed devilishly, and a dimple deep enough to fall into when he’d turn his disarming smile your way. He was trouble, all right. A whole lot of trouble.
The relationship was bad from the start. Right from go, we hid it from friends and family because of the age difference (as well, there was no way I could tell my family that I was involved with someone with the “pastimes” he participated in). He had a violently explosive temper that was quick to ignite; I was never afraid of him, but I was scared by his angry outbursts – I stood frozen in his doorway one night as he raged around his bedroom, yanking the phone out of the wall before chucking it out the window, and ripping the closet door off its hinges before launching it down the hall. He would be a heaving mass of adrenalin-driven fury one minute, and a sobbing puddle of remorse the next. I was always uncomfortably on edge around him, never knowing which version of Dr. Jekyll I would be spending time with.
He was my first. The first guy I was in a relationship with that lasted more than a month and a half. The first guy I slept with. The first guy I said “I love you” to. He fucked me up so badly, some times I’m amazed I’m able to participate in a healthy relationship today.
You see, he had another girlfriend. That’s right: the entire year and a half we were together, he was still seeing (and screwing) his “ex.” At first, he’d play the game where he’d pick a fight with me to give him an excuse to not speak to me for a few days; during this time, he’d go back to her. I’m not sure if the crawling back routine (which was more a grudging, pissy phone call on his part than a tail-between-the-legs apology) was because he missed me, or if he was just tired of his other plaything. That went on for quite some time until he either got sloppy or just couldn’t be bothered to hide it anymore: I discovered that he was still sleeping with her by spotting the hickies all over his body – I’m sure she was sending me a message, too. He messed around with a number of other girls during his tenure, as well, all girls who apparently knew he had a girlfriend (whichever one of us was “lucky” enough to bear the title at the time); he wore his philandering like a badge of honour.
Even though I confronted him quite loudly, he laughed in my face, at that point basically opting to have two girlfriends at the same time. I would threaten to leave him; he would challenge me, telling me to go ahead and try: I’d be back because no one else would want me anyhow. At 18 years old, I believed that I was worthless, useless, ugly, and unlovable, all at the hand of someone who claimed to love me. In the meantime, I was competing with a girl who was hell-bent on stealing “my” man (who, in retrospect, obviously considered him HER man).
Self-esteem issues? Check. Trust issues? Check. Major suspicion, distrust, and fear of any female to show the slightest bit of attention to “my” man? Check, check, check.
It’s been hard for me to trust: myself, my partner, people I don’t know well. In the beginning, it took a conscious effort on my part to trust Chebbar; I don’t know that we ever would have gotten to where we are today were it not for his unwavering, amazing patience and understanding. I still struggle with trusting “new” people, though, particularly those of the female persuasion – the above wasn’t the first time (nor, sadly, was it the last) I was burned by the “fairer” sex. And because in all of my infinite teen-aged wisdom I never thought I’d ever be one of those girls who ended up blinded by a quasi-abusive relationship, I still struggle with trusting myself: are my suspicions correct? should I even be suspicious? am I right to trust him? to trust her? can I even possibly rely on my own instincts and judgment?
I’ve known all along that my first “real” relationship was a bad one. Hell, deep down, I knew it was bad while I was in it. I’ve stood tall and been proud, asserting that it was a learning experience that allowed me to figure out what I would and wouldn’t put up with going forward. I’ve fooled myself into thinking that, because it’s over and I feel I’ve moved on, it doesn’t affect me anymore.
With some of the events of the last little while, I’ve realized I couldn’t be farther from the truth – that my past does still play a large role in who I am and how I react today.
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Chibi writes at Chibi Jeebs & the Neurotic Struggle.
20 Responses to “Chibi Jeebs”
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Hugs. The fact that you’re able to see the relationship for what it was and move forward shows your amazing strength and resilience. xoxox
Been there. I almost went to check to see if I knew you! But that’s not the point. I think that’s the worst sometimes, when you find yourself turned against someone you should be working together with. Hopefully someday I’ll be where you are now.
Of course your past plays a role in who you are today. But it doesn’t have to define who you are. You are clearly strong enough to recognize and share your story. Seeing it clearly will help you move forward. Good luck.
i remember you posting this… loved you then.
love you now.
love you always.
How far you have come! When I look at you, I do see a strong woman.
I think, at times, it’s so subtle that you don’t realize what’s going on until you’re right smack time in the middle of it all. I’m so sorry you had to go through such hell but I’m so glad you have Chebbar in your life. Also, I admire your strength for putting this out there for all to read. You’re helping others.
*luffs*
The past will always be a part of you. But recognizing that, and marching ahead is something you should be proud of.
And learning to trust again, even if little by little, is courageous.
You’re pretty awesome.
I’m so glad you have Chebbars now and are able to experience what a relationship *should* be. Kudos to you for hanging in there and being willing to open yourself up to the painfully slow process of learning how to trust again. ~hugs~
After nodding my head both in agreement and support of you while reading, something I wrote in my own “VU” post popped in my head. As I read your last line, it solidified so I went back to find it: “The experiences we have. The choices we make. These are the things that make us products of our pasts … We don’t, however, have to be victims of our pasts. There are ways to get out and go on with life.”
Anyone who endures these kinds of experiences and claims to be unaffected by them is either lying or in denial. The trick is to identify, acknowledge and work as hard as you can to rid yourself of the overpowering impact these events can have. I can’t tell you that it ever goes away. In some respects, I don’t think we should want it to. As you said, lesson learned, making it valuable to both us and others.
But I can tell you that it gets a whole lot easier and your psyche is a whole lot lighter and brigher without all the garbage floating around there! Kudos to you for being brave enough and finding the strength to confront it head-on and to share so that others can benefit, too.
Love you so much, Chibi. Your words touch me deeply.
Overcoming all the crap that was fed to us in life is so hard. It’s such an uphill climb, trying so hard to reclaim ourselves.
Good for you for standing up and saying that what happened was wrong. That it hurt. That it damaged you.
Best wishes in your continued healing.
Totally been there. I try not to have it define me, but that’s hard.
That’s what my ex came into our relationship with – similar experience, several times over – so I always understood why he didn’t trust me or ‘the guy’ he was worried about me speaking to. But I hope he can get to the point where he’s able to make a conscious effort, like you have. I’d like him to be happy in a relationship.
And you know I love you, doll.
It’s so hard to get through that terrible mental anguish. I’m so sorry you had to go through it, my friend. You didn’t deserve it. No one does. Much love.
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Some people never acknowledge or learn from what happened to them. It’s a struggle, but I’m so glad you’re facing up to what happened to you and its implications for your relationship. And so glad you have Chebbar to help you work through it!
I’m so proud of you for sharing this. I remember reading this on your site and it still makes me cringe that you ever doubted yourself like that. You don’t deserve that.
Thanks for being the voice for so many other women. You rock.
Thank you for sharing your story – sadly I’ve been witness to similar situations, and it is life altering.
I am relating here and my heart goes out to you!
I, too had some really BAD experiences and I totally decided I wouldn’t truest a man AGAIN! My children and I would be better off WITHOUT one!
Then I met HIM!! He was a widower. We were both avoiding the person someone else had tried to line us up with… We ended up chatting, he talked about his wife that had passed… I was amazed at the love and respect that dripped from his tongue as he spoke of her. A window in my mind opened. Maybe there ARE some good ones left…
The next day he asked me to lunch… not long and he told me he loved me. I broke down and cried. He felt bad that he’d said it too soon. I didn’t cry because he’d said it, but because I felt it, too. But I didn’t feel that I was good enough for him. I also didn’t trust myself in making these types of choices. I’d failed so miserably in the past. I was afraid to open my heart again! I asked him if he would talk to my counselor with me. He told me he’d DO ANYTHING for ME… He WALKED the TALK! Was he for REAL?? Could I trust thinking that he COULD BE??
My counselor helped me see the substance behind the man and break down my insecurities and fears with him. I chose to lower my wall and let him in, thanks to a counselor that helped me not be my own worst enemy.
13 years down the road, he is still a wonderful man. I still have relapses of insecurity and doubt. Somehow, he continues to love me, in spite of me. I think I should have a counselor on tap to keep my mind from getting foggy and regressing into the past.
The past is a part of who we ARE, but we can’t let the past cripple our future. (((HUGS)))