Darlene
I am a survivor from birth.
I am the product of a shotgun wedding, literally. My mother hated me for ruining her life and let me know this fact my entire life — and still does. My father loved me in spite of his dreams being crushed and lost.
As a little girl, I was molested by the 60-something-year-old father of my babysitter, who was also a “friend” of my parents. In the 1950’s, this kind of thing was not only NOT talked about, it was not even known about. He coerced me into not telling. I was eight, what did I know? Then, totally by accident when I was having a bath, I let it slip that when my mom washed me it tickled like it did when “he” touched me there. The reaction was immediate and it was made clear that I had done something wrong and that I was a bad girl. It stayed with me forever… well, almost. I never really knew what was done to him if anything, but I was sent back to that house for a while since it was summer and there seemed to be no one else to take care of me. Needless to say the climate turned very cold to me while I was there.
That was the beginning of my abusive life and it took me until I was 40 years old to understand that I was not a bad person. You see I blocked it out of my mind or at least my conscious mind. My first two husbands were abusers and that seemed okay since I had no feelings of self worth, even though I worked and had a great relationship with fellow employees, friends and bosses. I was also a self abuser and there are regrets about things I did not do while I was younger.
Something good did come out of the two bad marriages — I have three wonderful sons who love me and care for me and cherish me. They are grown and two of them have children of their own that they cherish and love as I have loved them. My experience did teach me that no one should be made to feel that they are a burden, an eyesore, undeserving of unconditional love — especially not children.
I have gotten over the molestation with help but I am still not over the rejection my mother has given me my entire life. It still hurts and I still cry and I still can’t give up trying to make her love me. I know in my heart that will never change. My dad and my brother have both told me this but I can’t help myself. I am a mom and so is she, so why not to me?
I now have a very loving, caring and selfless husband who spoils me and only wants me to be happy and feel loved. He tells me constantly that I am smart, loving, strong and a person who is precious.
So in closing I would just like to say that I am a survivor and part of surviving is not giving up on trying to change those you love and yourself. It is when we look at ourselves as victims that we give up trying. We give up everything and everyone in our lives and those who may come into our lives. My dad passed away many years ago, but he is still with me and keeps me strong in his love. I feel it mostly when I feel the hurt coming back about the beginning and I know that he will always be happy he made the choice he did to be my dad.
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Darlene blogs at Just Me.
25 Responses to “Darlene”
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“It is when we look at ourselves as victims that we give up trying.”
could not have said it more beautifully myself.
congratulations on speaking out.
your sister in survival,
nic
I’m so sorry Darlene.
I am constantly amazed at survivor stories, and especially when it began in childhood. Not that any victim is ‘worse’ than another – but the very thought of the child having to endure such horror just makes me shudder.
I’m proud of you for raising such beautiful sons – and for speaking out.
Like MK, I never cease to be amazed by survivor stories, but more astonishing to me are the stories of those parents who heap these abuses on their own children. There is something elementally wrong in that. Something in these parents is simply … broken.
You’ve learned and grown so much over the years and that makes me happy to see. You know now that you’re not a “bad girl”, and that whatever was done to you as a child was not your fault. You’ve overcome the idea that you’re “less than”, and there’s no way to overstate how important that is.
Sadly, you’ll never “change” your mother though. Only she can do that, and only if she cares enough to do it. And from what I can tell, she doesn’t. Not about you or even herself. The fact that you still care enough about her to make the attempt says a lot about your character. Because you understand love — real love — in a way she probably never will.
Don’t ever lose that, no matter what’s thrown in your way or how many people try to tear you down. Keep that with you always, and you’ll be just fine.
Thank you for your story, for your courage, and for your example.
Darlene,
My mother and I had the same kind of relationship and now, in my 40′s the best thing I have been able to do for myself was let, that part of me go that longed for so much more than what I got and what I need.
Oddly it was freeing approaching it from this angle, because now – I feel sorry for her – and all she lost in who I am , that she will never ever really know.
Thank you for telling your story here.
Thank you for sharing, and good for you for overcoming being a “victim”.
WOW what a story! I can relate to the molestation as a child, and no one wanting to talk about it. They basically removed the person from my life, and then pretended it never happened. I’m glad people actually talk about this now, because I remember suffering with it as I was growing up and no one wanting to acknowledge that is happened.
Its so awesome that you have found a way to move on with your life, and I’m sure your father is very proud.
I am an admin for a domestic violence board, and its so encouraging to hear stories like yours! Thank you for sharing!
I’m so sorry about what you’ve had to endure, Darlene. I, too, endured childhood abuse, so I truly understand the shame and myriad other feelings that go along with it.
I hope you’re proud of yourself for speaking out about your childhood abuse and the abuse you suffered in adulthood. You are obviously a strong, brave and resilient woman.
Darlene,
I, too, grew up in a very critical environment. It has shaped my relationships to this day and is a big reason why I struggle with social anxiety. I am sorry for your experience, but how wonderful to have found healing from the molestation!
If I were to consistently say something here on VU it would be I wish I had words of wisdom to help. I feel that way right now when I think of your relationship with your mother. I have been able to resolve the issues I had growing up with my mother and now have a close relationship with her. It took both of us: I had to be strong enough to find my self-worth over the years and she had to finally face up to the things she was doing that were hurting her relationships.
Thank you for sharing your story…
-Chris
my mom deals with the same type of rejection from my grandmother. and it’s so hard for me to understand because it’s something i have never had to deal with. my mom has always made it very clear that she is the lucky one to have me as a daughter and that she’s so grateful i chose her. i watch her struggle (still, at 64) with my grandmother who just cannot, for whatever reason, keep herself from saying things out loud that you just DO NOT say to your children. i just have to remind my mom that she wins…she was (and is) more a mother than her mother could ever hope to be.
I share your pain at the rejection by your mother ~ my mom did not want me and made sure I knew it at every turn, as well. And like you, as a mother, myself, I cannot understand HOW she can’t love me. And though I know she will never change, a tiny piece of my heart still wishes she would one day decide she loves me. I’m so sorry you have endured that pain in your own heart, too. Sincerely.
Thank you for sharing your story. I admire that you broke the cycle of abuse and ensured that your children would be well-loved and always know they were accepted. They are blessed to have you as their mother.
May you always have the love and strength you have found. And that others readaing this find hope. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope your mother comes to realize what a wonderful daughter she has and that she learns to see your beauty. She is blessed to have you.
I’ve spent my life dealing the rejection that I was handed from my mother. I don’t know if I’ll ever come to terms with that, but I hope so.
Thank you for making me feel less alone. Your strength is incredible.
thanks for sharing your story. i appreciate your insight.
I am so thankful that you have a happy ending Darlene. Thankyou for being so brave and sharing your story. I have no doubt you are a wonderful mother and grandmother.
thank you for sharing
Thank you for sharing, and congratulations on your happy ending.
Thank you all for the beautiful and heartfelt comments and encouragement. I am so very glad that my story has helped you all and would just say to tell others that you know to tell their stories to someone. It doesn’t have to be an open forum like this but it helps so very much to tell someone anyone what is buried deep inside and to release the pain. This release is the only way to begin the healing and remove the toxins of anger against ourselves and those who have hurt us. Then and only then can we move on become healthy and love ourselves and others. Take care all and be safe. HUGZ
Darlene
Thank you so much for summoning the bravery it took to write this post, to share these memories and the lifelong after effects of your abuse. I am so happy to hear that your sons and your husband cherish you, and that your heart toward yourself has changed.
bless your beautiful heart.
Your story moved me so much. All of the abuse you suffered was horrific, but the unkindest cut of all is your own mother being unable to love her child. My own mother denied my experiences and memories (said I imagined them), but as flawed as she was, I did know that she loved me. It makes me weep to know you didn’t even have that. For me, my father was my bogeyman, and it took every ounce of courage I had to reach back to very early childhood, and release the love for him that I had frozen out of self-protection so early on. It was a profound healing experience, and I recommend it to anyone who found it unsafe to love their parent.
Darlene, I’m grateful for your courage and strength in sharing this. I pray for your continued healing. Your sons are a testimony for anyone struggling to break the cycle of abuse. Bless you.
Thank you for speaking out – and for refusing to continue to be a victim. I’m so glad your story has a happy ending.
Darlene,
Thank you for finding the courage to share your story. I hope these responses add to your strength and help you continue to heal on tough days.
LBG