Deb
It started at 15. My boyfriend at the time thought it was great fun to hit me when he was drunk. I stayed for five years. He was the typical “I’m sorry it won’t happen again” but it always did. He cheated and I always took him back. I loved him.
One of his best friends raped me. My boyfriend didn’t believe me. I stayed. He brought his friend around and forced me to be nice to him. I started to doubt myself in a very big way.
I moved 500 miles away. Looking for a new start. With a person who treated me right. I thought I had found him. We went place and did things. He bought me stuff. Didn’t hit me. Once again I thought I was in love.
I moved in with him, and a month later, it started. It was subtle, I didn’t really catch on then. He came home drunk and threw a potted tree at me. Did the whole crying, “I’m sorry, won’t happen again” thing.
I got pregnant with number one, and my life totally changed. He said I was a worthless, useless piece of shit and a horrible mother because she had colic and wouldn’t stop crying.
I was totally frazzled and actually believed him. I should have known what was going on when he forced me to have sex while the baby was in her bouncer chair screaming and he wouldn’t let me get her.
Ended up pregnant again. By this time the only friends or family that I had around was his. Luckily, somehow, he started letting me go to my mom’s for a month during the summer. His control was still there, he would always call me, accuse me of cheating on him, other stuff like that, and I never knew when he would show up.
When my second child was two, my grandparents needed a place to live and he actually said that they could move in. I was blind and grateful so I didn’t realize it was so he would have to do less and I would end up carrying the whole burden. (I wouldn’t change that, my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer and I got to spend his last year with him.)
Over the course of all this I started drinking. A lot. It was the only way that I could spend any time with him at all. Made me numb to when he would rape and/or sodomize me. I just blocked it out. Alcohol made it hazy. Then along came number three.
It got much worse after my grandfather died. My grandmother moved out so there was no need to pretend niceness anymore.
I went back to work. He worked days, I worked nights. The kids were 7, 5 and 1. I figured that we were saving money by not having a sitter. What I found out later just about killed me.
He would come home from work, and start drinking. Or he would have my grandmother come over and sit so he could go to the bar. He would buy pizza every night, and if the kids didn’t want it he would send them to bed hungry. If he caught them trying to sneak food, he would beat them. Their bedroom door had louvers in it and I would ask them in the morning what had happened to them, as they were missing. They would say that the baby knocked them out, or they tripped into it or something. I just didn’t see what was happening. He was taking them out and hitting my kids with them. He would go on a rampage and make the kids get up in the middle of the night because he had lost the remote control. Mind you he was only doing this to the two oldest. The baby never had a hand laid on her, she just got to watch it all.
That fall we had lost the house we were living in. By some twist of fate, the only place to go was to my mom’s. That happened to be 500 miles away. When we got here, and the kids started to relax a little and realized that he couldn’t touch them here, they told me what was happening back with their dad. So after being gone for only three weeks, realizing that we were all happier (for the most part) and safer, I called him (two days before Thanksgiving) and told him that I did not want him to come up, I wanted a divorce. I told him that I was miserable and I wouldn’t live under his thumb anymore. He did the whole crying “I love you I’m sorry it won’t happen again” bull. When that didn’t work he told me he was going to kill himself. I told him to just let me know before so I could call and have the mess taken care of.
Once I left, I started to be me again. It took a lot of hours of looking at myself and not liking what I saw. Up until I met him I was a pretty strong person with not bad self-esteem. He turned me into an insecure, emotionally wounded wreck. I was never sure if that punch was going to land on the wall or me. Was the next thing that got thrown going to go over my head or into it. Once I was somewhere I knew that he could not hurt me, I saw a lot of things clearly.
My ex-husband can still bring out the worst in me. When I divorced him, where I live they only have “no-fault” divorce and I would have had to put my kids through hell to take care of the other issues. I know that sounds bad, but I just couldn’t put them through anything else. He has to come to where I live to see them, he isn’t allowed to take them more than 45 minutes away, he is not allowed to drink when he has them.
My kids know that we are survivors and that he can never physically touch us again. I have learned through therapy and friends and family that he can’t get to me emotionally unless I let him. I hold the cards.
The healing is close. There are still a few itches here and there, but I feel mostly complete. I married a wonderful, caring man who treats me like a queen. He is great to my girls (they wanted him to adopt them, but their father said no way) and they are actually starting to call him dad. I realize and am teaching the kids that they ARE worthy and that it was never their fault. That their father has something missing inside and he just never wanted help, even though I begged for years. They know that they have the control over what happens and what doesn’t and that help is now always a phone call away. They know that they can eat what they want, when they want and won’t get hurt for doing so.
It’s been a long hard road, but we made it. We will continue to make it, helping and healing each other along the way.
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Deb blogs at Downeast Vixenne.
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
33 Responses to “Deb”
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I am in awe. You are such a strong woman, and I am so very grateful that you lost that house, so you were able to go back to your mom’s. Bless you for being strong and helping your kiddos through this. Hugs to you and your children.
congratulations on leaving and for getting counselling. Bravo!
Your story humbles me in a very, very deep way.
And, too, reading about how much he hurt you and your children… it makes my eyes quite misty, to be honest. Very misty indeed.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Deb, thank you for sharing this. You are so clearly a survivor, in every sense of the word. I honor the strength that shines through here.
Wishing you and your children infinite peace, all the days of your lives.
I am so sorry that you had to endure years of this, as well as your children.
I am so thankful now that you are a survivor that you have a great man in your life and your girls see what a happy family is supposed to be like.
Thank you for sharing your story-so many (((Hugs))) to you for being strong.
deb- your story leaving me weeping… grateful you are safe, your children are safe, your family is safe. i am grateful for you. i am grateful for your story… i am grateful that you shared it and i hope you share it with your children when the time is right, because like you said, you are all survivors.
So glad you got out and so glad you found someone to love you and your children. You did a great thing for you and an even greater thing for them. I know it wasn’t easy and how brave you had to be. They will know, too.
I am so glad you and your family are safe and healing from this very difficult time. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are a brave and powerful woman!
I am in awe of you right now. What a road you have traveled. I will carry your story with me always. It gives me hope for all the women suffering.
Thank you for being such a wonderfully strong woman. Your children are so very lucky to have you.
Good for you! I’m so glad you got out of there.
It took a lot of courage to leave, and to protect your children, and I really admire you for that. Thanks for sharing your story.
You have tremendous courage, and I think that is what your children will see in the end. Good for you! And to think that foreclosure would be a blessing…
As everyone else has said, you are brave and strong – and thank you for sharing. I’m physically ill with sadness for your kids, only because of the way that their own father treated them – so horrifically. I’m SO glad that they are with YOU and with a ‘father’ who loves them.
Thank you for sharing. I will never understand the horrific things that a parent can do. But I am inspired by your courage and strength. Keep loving yourself. And hug your kids every day. Hugs are great medicine.
Often times we are blind to the reality of our existence, but true survivors can find beauty once the blindfold is removed. Congratulations, Survivor! **hugs** I wish you and your children a future of love, peace and joy.
I so happy that you were able to do what you needed to do for you and for your children and leave that mess behind. Good for you!
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Wow. You have such courage and I am so glad that you’ve been able to break the cycle for your children and yourself. I wish you much healing and more years of love and kindness in your life. Stay strong.
Tricia x
It warms my heart to read the end of this post and realize that you found a silver lining. Kudos to you for having the strength to leave and make a better life for yourself and your kids.
Thank you for having such amazing strength and courage and for sharing your story!
You are so strong. I am so in awe of you.
I spent 6 years with my sons father where every day was a new day to hear how stupid, fat, ugly, dumb and worthless I was. It takes a lot of strength and courage from within to realize that you are worth more, deserve more and need more than what you get from being in an abusive relationship. I am so proud of you. Like you I found my “Prince Charming” who has been one of the most encouraging, supportive and solid people in my life. We have been together going on 8 years and although he has not adopted either of my kids (again same issue as yours) he loves them as his own. My youngest always tells people that he has 2 daddies, his real daddy (ie my husband) and his daddy in FL who buys him presents!
The scars never go away but they fade with time. You should be so proud of who you are and where you are going.
I want to thank you all for your support. This was a hard decision to make, but it was a story that I have been writing in my head for a few years now, Having you all here made the choice a bit easier. Thank you all again. My hugs to you all.
My heart goes out to you – it takes such courage to leave a situation like that, and you did! What an amazing woman and mother! Good luck on your journey of healing. thank you for sharing.
Sometimes things that look like a curse are actually blessings, like losing your house. I am very happy to read that you have gotten therapy for yourself. I hope that you have done the same for your children. They’ve witnessed far too much for their young lives. Congratulations on moving your life forward in such a successful way.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this!!!!!
I am sorry for your pain.
I am humbled by your strength.
You girls will learn such courage from you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Good for you!!! I applaud your strength and tenacity.
Your children are blessed to have you as their mom. I am so happy to hear that you have a man now who loves you and treats you well. You absolutely deserve that.
I applaud your strength & tenacity at getting yourself and your children out of that situation.
I’m happy you have a man in your life who treats you well. You absolutely deserve that.
Your children are blessed that you are their mom. Everyone needs a strong role model and that is what you are providing them. Well done!
Your story really touched my heart. THANK YOU for speaking out!
I had a hard time responding to this one, and that worried me until I realized why I was having trouble. Usually these stories touch places in me of sorrow, heartbreak, even anger. And there was some of that happening here too, don’t misunderstand. But the places you really affected in me were the ones where I keep things like admiration and even happiness. Because through all the heartbreak and anger, there’s a core of strength that is awesome to behold. Like the cable that holds up the bridge, it looks thin and fragile at a distance and you don’t see how anything like that could keep something so massive from falling down. But then you look close and see and feel just how tough it actually is.
I hope you can stay out of the trap of second-guessing yourself. Because all along you made the right moves for the right reasons. And it took every one of them to get you to where you are now. Even the ones you wish you could have done differently. And from what I can see, the place you’re in now is worth it.
The story you tell will inspire many. I hope that at the same time, it inspires you.
Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
I’m so proud of you having taken the step to leave him.