[This piece was originally published in The New York Times BUY CELEXA NO PRESCRIPTION, . We gratefully re-post it here today at the author's request.]
"Defriending My Rapist"
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One of them said: “Oh, man, Is CELEXA safe, this chick is nuts. BUY CELEXA NO PRESCRIPTION, Let’s go.” And they did.
With a child’s logic, I figured the boys thought I wasn’t a virgin because of my sexy shirt. Too ashamed to confide in my parents or older sisters, discount CELEXA, I tried to tell a teacher after class one day. I stood by her desk shifting my weight from one foot to the other. CELEXA natural, But I was afraid of being shunned at school if I reported it, so all I said was “See you tomorrow.”
From those early teen years until my mid-20s, I let boyfriends come and go like subway cars, certain that they would trick and humiliate me, buying CELEXA online over the counter. If they liked me too much it scared me away, BUY CELEXA NO PRESCRIPTION. Loneliness plagued me. When I saw happy couples I wondered, CELEXA pictures, How do they do that. I drank heavily, hoping to forget what had happened. But I couldn’t forget, online CELEXA without a prescription.
The first time I talked about the rape I was 26 and in a therapist’s office. “I can help you,” she said, but it wasn’t a quick fix, BUY CELEXA NO PRESCRIPTION. I was in my 40s when I met Steve, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal. He had a troubled past too, so we fit. What is CELEXA, When I buried my face in his hair, the smell, the closeness, made me feel safe, where can i buy cheapest CELEXA online. It still does. BUY CELEXA NO PRESCRIPTION, Now I clicked back to my rapist’s wall for a link to his wife’s profile and sent her a friend request. I decided that my revenge would be to blow up his marriage. CELEXA description, I planned what I’d tell her if she confirmed my request. A montage of memories flooded my head until I felt so queasy I had to lie down.
But when I looked at my computer again, I saw she’d written on my wall. She posted a sideways smiley face and complimented the photos of my dog, BUY CELEXA NO PRESCRIPTION. How could I tell her. She’d done nothing to me. My rage belonged to her husband.
So I went back to his profile page and typed a private message: “I hope that night has haunted you. BUY CELEXA NO PRESCRIPTION, I was naïve and a virgin. I see you have a teenage daughter now. Better keep her safe from guys like you.”
I wanted to hate him and hurt him but realized that the only way to be free was to let it all go. When I defriended him I felt strong. The past was the past, and my mouth wasn’t covered anymore.
Dorri Olds is a freelance writer, Web designer and social-media consultant. She tweets as @DorriOlds..
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Dorri, I appreciate your strength and your conviction. Thank you for sharing your story and letting us join you in this victory. As much as I love Facebook, you've made me recognize the inherent flaw in the system - suggesting you reconnect with those who are better left in the past. Good for you, in rejecting that and moving on!
FGHart I still love facebook! I don't blame facebook for what happened. as weird as it was seeing 3 of those guys on facebook, i'm glad now because i was able to finally work thru my anger about it and let it all go so it can't haunt me anymore.
I am so sorry for your experience. My heart breaks for that innocent, awkward 13 year old who deserved so much more. Overcoming something so horrific at such a young, impressionable age couldn’t have been easy, and I am in awe of your strength. Thank you so much for sharing. Sometimes just another voice in the silence is enough. It reminds me that I am not alone… and I needed that today, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I swear FB is evil… After posting my story on VU two years ago, I was feeling free and empowered and decided to share with a message board. What I didn’t realize was that it also posted to my FB feed and 200+ people had the opportunity to read it, including mutual friends of mine and his. I will never know for sure who read it and who didn’t, but I believe that at least one read it, which means they would all know. As much as I love the thought of those close to him being horrified by the truth and rising up to surround me with love and compassion, in reality, I was met only with silence. My mind rushed in to fill the silence with thoughts of, “It was my fault. I deserved it”, as I felt myself sucked the bottom of a dark, cavernous ocean. It is still very difficult to reconcile the new reality that they choose to be friends with him regardless of the things he did to me. The thought of him hanging out at a BBQ makes me want to vomit. The truth is, my pain does not matter to them. BUT… each time I drag myself up from the depths of that ocean, I am a little bit stronger. I have been a volunteer rape crisis advocate for over five years now. It is a truly glorious experience to be able to give those words I long to hear to someone else in need… I am so sorry this happened. It was not your fault. You didn’t deserve it. You are worth more. You are strong and beautiful and you matter more than you know. Best wishes on your journey! Aerin
Wow, that is such a powerfully written post! Thank you for all of your kind words. I am so moved to hear that you are helping other women now. How did you become a rape crisis advocate? That sounds very interesting. I agree, it is very hard to understand why people would stay friends with anyone who they knew had abused someone. Yes, it's very hard to come to terms with.
@DorriOlds Anyone who wants to volunteer can search "SART" in their area, which stands for sexual abuse response team. You can also check with a local women's center or RAINN.org... I highly recommend it!
Wow. I don't know that I would have had your strength. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing this with us. My heart hurts for what you went through.
This gripped me inside. The fear, the shame, the blame that was wrongly placed. I applaud you for having the strength to know your retribution was RIGHT there but wasn't worth the pain of more innocence. Doris, it was huge for you to share this!
I'm so glad you have moved beyond that horrible incident. And I hope it serves as a model for others who are dealing with similar Facebook friend conundrums.
Just wow, you are strong for even friending that jerk for a while. I'm happy you told him how you felt. People like him probably never even think about how they hurt someone. Hopefully, by you responding to him it made him think about what he did to you and he's in a living hell now.
Thank you so much for sharing this! Your moment of strength will help others be strong, too. My rapist tried to "friend" me, and it was so liberating to decline.
Sometimes I go to his facebook page. And my finger hovers like yours. I just want answers, really. There's so much I don't remember. I was young.And I wonder if he's still doing it. I troll his friends list making sure there are no young girls on it - no one who looks vulnerable. A part of me wants to think I was the only one. It makes me feel special somehow. A bigger part of me knows that wasn't even possible and that kind of special is not what I want.And I wonder if he even remembers it the same as me. He was young too. Does he even remember it at all? What if he says it didn't happen and I fall back into self-doubt again.So I don't do it. I don't "add friend." Even after I noticed him bring up my name on a post from someone from the old neighbourhood.I don't even want revenge. Just answers. And I know I won't get them from him.Thank you for sharing. You've made things clearer for me.
Hi Shelley. You expressed yourself beautifully. I would love to read an essay about your experience and feelings about it! I so encourage you to write it!!
My god, Dorri, my heart aches for you and for the girl you were. No one should have to go through anything like that.
Thank you for sharing your story here, and in the NY Times. It's so important, and your strength is a voice of hope.
Peace to you.