Elise
Editor’s note: If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-784-2833 immediately. The National Suicide Hotline number is free and staffed 24-hours a day.
I can’t understand why I walked with this shadow over me. This panic and crazy feeling of being really up one minute but then broken the next.
My mother and brothers never talked about what happened when I was seven. To this day, my brother Ethan won’t look me in the eye. He was the one who had me in our mom’s room.
There I was naked and he’s behind me ready to… go inside me. If it hadn’t been for my other brother James and my mom coming home from the store and pulling that curtain aside I probably would have lost my virginity to my own brother.
James grabbed Ethan and pushed him up against the wall and said, look! Look..that’s your sister. Your sister! Mom wrapped a blanket around me and took me out of her room she told me that nothing happenend and everything was okay.
Time passed and for ten years no one talked about it. Ethan wouldnt talk to me. We all lived under the same roof and if I entered the living room he’d go upstairs.
The day came when I was 17 and the boys were arguing and James was losing the argument so he proudly says, At least I didn’t have sex with my sister. I stood by the sink and felt tiny like I’m nothing. Just a piece of ass that anyone including my hero of a brother can talk about. From that moment I knew I could never trust or love him the way brothers and sisters are supposed to. I have two brothers who are nothing to me and it hurts to know we will never be close.
More. I met the man who raped me at my job. We were friends for a year, then he wanted to begin dating. I fell in love with him and one day he got really drunk and raped me while I was trying to get him into his room to sleep. I’m ashamed to say that I tried to forgive him even though he cheated on me and told me that I have to put this in a place where I can deal with it. (One minute he’s my rapist, the next minute he’s analyzing me.)
I’m in the process of finding a psychologist to help me with my flashbacks, my anger, nightmares, nervousness, and apprehensive, hostile, untrustworthy behavior. I used to not be like this. There was a time I laughed and enjoyed art and music, which I used to sing. I loved books. I don’t know how to get back to that–back to myself. I let shame, guilt, rage and anger at god, my family, and a man who could look at me after being raped and say, you need to put this in a place where you can deal with this. I’m not dealing very well. I’m messing up at my job. I hardly talk with anyone in my family anymore, I just keep to myself and wonder why god didn’t want me when I tried to take my life with some sleeping pills. So that’s my mindset and where I’m at now. I guess I can’t go any lower.
I’ve been to therapy, group, and I still have flashbacks, nightmares, and recently I’ve been having hallucinations at work.
I am 35 years old. I’m scared, alone, and I want to die.
***
Editor’s note: If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-784-2833 immediately. The National Suicide Hotline number is free and staffed 24-hours a day.
64 Responses to “Elise”
Leave a Reply
There is nothing wrong with you. There is a lot wrong with what happened to you. Please get help. You deserve a happy life.
You’re not alone.
You are not alone. I’m here. I’m listening. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Those are not just words. They are truth. Keep saying them to yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Please keep reaching out. Please do not give up. You are of beauty. I promise you are.
All my love and support,
Kelly
I am sorry. I have no doubt that someone who has much experience with this will reach out to you, but you should also know that everyone who comments is here to listen. Please reach out to one of us now, later, anytime. please
i hear you. loud and clear. i hear you. you are not alone. NOT. my 9 year sucky anniversary since i was raped will be on saturday. i hate EVERY SINGLE moment of this month of september because of that day.
i know you are scared. i’m scared too. let’s be scared together.
i’m so sorry for all you have endured. I hope that you can find peace.Maybe reaching out like this will help someone else, … maybe you can volunteer in your community to help other victims…. It may help lighten the burden to know that you can help someone *hugs*
You’re not alone. You have a ton of people who want to support you, care for you, and help you through this. You can be that little girl again…the one who loves art and music. You can once again find the joy that those things once brought you, and you can find new things to bring you joy, too. You can be a powerful force for good in the world, but to do that, you can’t give up. Don’t give up, because we, the world, need you. Every person who decides to make the world a better place does so, and we need all the people we can find to make that decision.
I am sorry for your losses (that is what all of these combined become). You feel like a broken mirror scattered all over the floor. Have you considered PTSD support? It is not just for those who are military, police or fire. You have a bunch of issues that built one on top of the other, like and onion that grows by covering the first layer with another layer of skin. It has taken me over 22 years to get to a good place and I had not been through all the trauma you have. You were put here for a reason. You came to this blog for a reason. You are needed in this world. I suggest PTSD support group for rape/incest survivors. Namaste.
So, so very sorry that you’ve had to carry this burden for so many years. As the others have said, we are here and we are listening. Please reach out to us.
Echoing everyone else: you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t give up – you can make it through this.
You’re not alone. I’m listening. And I’m sorry.
Elise, my heart goes out to you! You’re so brave, truly. I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out! You’re taking the first step to healing by talking about your brothers and boyfriend. Your mother and family had a responsibility to protect you and help you feel safe and whole; unfortunately they didn’t, but there are people who want to help and make it possible for you to reclaim your old self.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) has a help line 1-800-656-HOPE and an online hotline if you’d prefer to chat on a computer than talk http://rainn.org
You might also check to see if you have a CASA in your area. CASA is Center Against Sexual Assault. They have counselors and other staff who work with survivors of all ages to help them heal. The La Casa Zacharias Center in Illinois is just an example, and the video on the video on their main page hopefully will help you feel less alone http://www.zcenter.org/
I’m so sorry you’ve struggled to find peace. That’s just not right. Like everyone else has said, you are NOT alone. Please know there are good people out here that care about you. I hope you find the support you need soon.
You are so brave to tell your story. You can’t begin to know how many people you’ve helped JUST by telling your story here.
There’s a reason for you to be still on this earth.
You deserve to laugh, sing, listen to music and enjoy books..to get back to yourself. And you will. Coming here is a huge step toward that. Continue looking for a therapist that will help you. I think that’s a really good idea…she can help you to deal with the horrible trauma you went through. It’s not something for you to work on alone. Believe me, I know.
We are here and we are listening, reading your words. what you are saying is important and valuable.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been put through all this, and by people who should have loved you better. You are going to be okay. And what you’ve said here is going to help someone else.
You are not alone. I hope you are able to find the peace you most definitely deserve.
You are brave and you deserve to get back to that place where you can laugh, read, sing, love music..live.
As many have said above, you are not alone. We are here to listen and support you.
We can carry hope for you, even if you cannot right now. I hope you will continue looking for a way to stop the pain–a way that will allow you to live.
Please, Elise. Please go find someone who you can talk to. I went through very similar events (molestation, marginalization, mortification, emptiness, and eventually suicidal fascinations) that finally peaked with my mother’s suicide. The last thing she said to me what that she was sorry for not sticking up for me or protecting me. These things can and will eat you, alive or dead. And let me tell you from personal experience: suicide is not an answer. It’s messy, hurtful, spiteful and even worse than living through it — you don’t get second chances when you’re dead.
Today I am married with a child of my own. I find a way to live each day in the moment, not focusing on my past, but rather forcing myself to find something to be happy about in that minute. It works most of the time, but you can’t unhaunt a soul. I know. But it does get easier.
Other posters have suggested all the groups I’d mention here for help. What’s most important is that you’re talking about it. Sometimes the words coming out your mouth may be the only reason you stay above the water. Just keep breathing and I promise you can make your life into something it never was…
In your mind you hold the key to what you can someday be… You don’t have to live like this, and you don’t have to be a prisoner to your memories. Trust can be relearned, hope can be found, and laughter can be more real than you’ve ever known before. Please don’t give up on this. You don’t know me, but we share so much in our stories that I beg of you to find someone (preferably a professional who specializes in these sorts of things) and let them help you create a map out of this… I promise the journey and hard work is worth it…
Love and light,
Jess
( h u g )
You are not alone.
It is hard hating yourself–I know. I went through many years of hating myself. Hating myself for who I had become–a mere fraction of the person I knew I could and should be. I blamed myself and hated God for placing me in my family. I tried to kill myself several times..I was a depressed and angry soul. That was a double sin to me–depressed and angry–because I wanted to be so much more than that. I wanted to be perfect.
But how can you perfect when you’ve been molested? How can you be perfect when no one wants you…not even your own mother? How can you be perfect when you lived such an awful life and God doesn’t want an imperfect soul? Those were the questions I asked myself for years–beating myself more and more every time I asked, because really I was accusing myself of something I was not responsible for.
Then, through the support of others, I realized that not only was I not alone, but that I was also not responsible for the evil that was brought down on me. I am not going to say that God gave me the family I have to make me stronger–that is B.S. God only allows others to practice agency. Most of all, God has given me the agency and empowerment to set those that hurt me aside and ultimately to forgive myself for hating myself.
I don’t talk to my family anymore. A wise counselor once told me as a teenager that I don’t have to have my mother and father and siblings in my life if I don’t want to. Finally, after years of having those words ring in my head I have done just that and finally a certain peace has come over me. Perhaps keeping your family out of your life is not what you are looking for, but if it is I hope it does bring you peace.
Many years afterward, I still cry at night (sometimes during the day), I still wish I could have grandparents and aunts and uncles for my children, I still wish I could have my childhood back, and I still have panic attacks. But I am okay with it. The reverse is worse.
Seek help from your friends, your pastor or other religious leader, a counselor/psychiatrist and/or a support group.
When you feel like ending your life, call someone. Be with your friends. Take a walk during the daytime. Walk the grocery store at night. Remember: You will not be forgotten. You have a life worth living. You are wanted by friends. You are loved by many.
Take it one day at a time.
Dear, sweet Elise,
Get the help you need. Reach out, even though it hurts like hell. There is peace on the other side of this, and it can be here and now. Real, physical peace. And a life lived, not lost. You can do this . . .
I am so sorry. They all owed you something better than what you got.
For what its worth, I care.
Princess! you are so not alone. Right this very second you have people who are worried sick about you and want you to be ok.
It’s NOT your fault. And if I’ve learned anything in the past few years, it’s that this here internet is powerful! Sharing your story is step one. Maybe reaching out to one of these faceless, maybe even nameless, supporters – maybe it’ll help. Know that any one of us supporting you here – even if we can’t empathize – we can offer an ear or a shoulder.
I don’t know what to say beyond I have gone through some of the same things and I’m finally getting the help I need.
Seeking help is the most humbling and scary thing I have ever done – but it’s been well worth it.
I hope and pray that you are able to make these steps.
Their are more people than you realize that are standing behind you, willing to help. Even on this blog – I’m sure there are many people who are silent supporters because they simply didn’t know what to say, so they said nothing. I didn’t know what to say either so I fumbled my way through to tell you this : I care. You matter. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you’re doing.
xoxo
I think it’s important that you seek assistance; that is paramount right now.
But I also think that it’s important you know this: When you are in a place where your brokenness has been reconfigured into a thing of fierce beauty, you will be of great help to others….they will see themselves reflected back in your eyes and know that they, too, can reconfigure their own brokenness and assist others in doing the same.
Don’t quit now, Elise. Not just yet. There are Plans, and you are pivotal to them.
You are never, ever alone. Please. I’m right here. xoxo
Stay strong, Elise. Keep reaching out. You deserve so much more and have shown so much courage already.
You are not alone, though we are not there to hug you and tell you that we are there, we are here for you.
As other commenters have said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you—only what was done to you. You deserve to be healthy, happy, and whole, and I hope you’re someday able to find peace and healing through therapy. Sending good thoughts your way.
God the wreackage our families palce upon us as children – CHILDREN – to young to understand that it is not our fault – that we carry to adulthood – that clingls to who we believe we are – I wish I could erase your pain – your horror – but more your loss of feeling safe in your own home.
Life is good. The fac that you are breathing your words about your story onto this site – is GOOD – you are good and worthy of much. I promise you – from someone who tried the other route… I promise you – it can be better than it is now and you can heal.
All my life, I’ve managed to laugh about things like having a parent who toyed with killing me, left suicide notes in my bedroom, etc. Now, at the age of 40, it’s coming out, whether I want it to or not. Keep writing. Keep talking. There are plenty of people who care, understand and are willing to help.
I’m so sorry. You aren’t alone. I’m praying you find some help and some peace.
((hugs)) you are strong and brave for all that you have been through. I know how hard it is to just live your life and be happy, not wondering who is going to hurt you next. You can do this. You DESERVE happiness and peace. I pray that you find them. ((hugs))
I am so, so sorry you have been treated so poorly. You deserve so much better. And your life is worth saving. Please please please continue to seek help. You are not alone.
I’m so very sorry. Please don’t stop reaching out. Listen to that music you love. Keep singing anyway. Find something to hold on to. Keep searching for happiness. It is there. You are worth it.
I really don’t know what I can say that hasn’t been said already. I have nothing new or original to offer you, but I think that’s okay. What you’ve already heard here is sound. It’s good. And I hope with all my being that you’ll take the words written here and hold them close to you. The care you see here, the support, the love, that is your talisman, your amulet. It lets you purge all that poison you’ve carried for so long and know that there is no judgment, no judgment of you in any event.
Maybe you think nobody will care if you die, that nobody will miss you if you’re gone. You wouldn’t be the first person to have those thoughts. You wouldn’t even be the first in this “room”. But I promise you, people would care. And they would miss you. And cry for you. For the one they couldn’t reach, or the one they thought they knew and didn’t. For the sister or mother they never had, or had and lost.
Look around you Elise. People care. I care. And I read these same words in every comment here: “I care”.
You may be scared, terrified even. But that hasn’t beaten you. You came here, did the most courageous thing you could possibly do. You broke the silence. And despite those long ago words assuring you that “nothing happened” you came here and declared that yes, dammit, something damned sure did happen and I won’t let you sweep it aside any longer. Today — if you never did it before — you’ve stepped across the line from “victim” to “survivor”. But to stay on that side of the line, you have to survive.
I hope that if you take nothing else from this experience, you’ll take with you the knowledge that you are not alone in this world, and that you matter.
And if you ever doubt that, if you ever need reminding, you just let me know.
Elise, we all look up to our brothers, especially our older ones. One of mine was my hero until he said some very cutting remarks behind my back. Of course that is nothing like what yours did. As you know, he is no hero. The brother that intervened is a more likely candidate.
Then the later rape. Damn it I just want to string those low-lifes up by their genitals and beat it into them what they have done to kind people like you. I hope that is not too violent an image, but he NEARLY ruined your life. And I have NO tolerance for dumb asses that perpetrate these foul crimes.
I say “nearly” because despite how you feel right now, there is hope. You WILL find healing. You WILL find meaning.
An odd thing about our experience on this earth is the exercise of Free Will. How could a loving God allow such atrocious acts to occur. Well, true love must come out of a freedom to choose. If we couldn’t try choose to love each other or our Creator, it would not be true love. Thus, we have free will.
Unfortunately, some people exercise their free will to impose destruction on others. Know this: God has not abandoned you. And, despite some teaching to the contrary, life is difficult even for those of us who believe in God.
I hope that is not too preachy. I’m must trying to help. My heart aches for you today, for I have been there myself. In a different way, but not so different.
If you are a person of faith, check out http://www.rchristophertaylor.com. It’s new, but maybe the poetry will speak to you.
Don’t give up! There is help; there is a place of healing and restoration. It will come. And not only will you be stronger for it, but you will have the insight to reach out to others who need an understanding mind and heart.
Deep in the recesses of your heart, there is hope. Otherwise you would not have written this. Find that hope and nurture it.
Today, as you struggle with the raw emotion of seeing your story posted, remember that I and many others stand with you in admiration for your courage, empathy for the fear and conflicting emotions you may be experiencing and tremendous respect that you shared.
You are awesome, Elise, and don’t let anyone (including yourself!) tell you any different. You have just made a huge step forward in your recovery. And soon, you will not being saying, “I survived.” You will be saying, “I overcame.”
I wish I could reach through these phone lines and crazy computers to give you a hug.
Prayers, love, peace, healing, comfort, joy, cleansing tears and every other good thing to you!
-Chris
Elise, I am so sorry.
Please, you aren’t alone. Please reach out and keep reaching. We’re here. We’re listening. Just hang on.
And remember, ALWAYS, as others have said – this is not your fault. none of it. You are worthy, you are good, you are special. You are brave, because you ended the silence.
I wish for peace and healing and happiness for you in the coming days and months and years.
I don’t know what to say & I desperately don’t want to say the wrong thing, but I want to beg you to please don’t die!!!!
My brother abused me, too, and my entire family has lectured me about how I need to get a grip & be willing to have a relationship with my brother despite the fact he’s never acknowledged that what he did was wrong. One of my sisters who was also molested by the same brother told me that the reason Bob didn’t apologize to me was because I had made myself unapproachable to him. As though it was my fault & he did not deserve to be treated so badly by me.
What’s my point? I understand. I have been where you are ~ full of shame and anger and pain so deep you almost can’t endure it from moment to moment. I destroyed my college dorm room in an act of rage borne out of that pain. I know that it feels like there is no hope, like things can’t possibly get better for you, but I know that it can.
IT CAN GET BETTER!!!!!
You are brave for sharing your story & your inner turmoil.
You are strong.
You can heal. You CAN!
Please don’t give up. Look up Good Samaritan Ministries in your phone book & see if there is an office near you. They offer Christ-based counseling for free. GSM saved my life, literally. Being able to work through my past and have someone validate my feelings and experiences rather than dismiss them made a huge difference. I pray that you find the same release & healing as you work with a counselor, as well.
Please don’t give up.
You do matter. I hope you are able to get the help you need to survive and to live and someday be happy. We all care.
There is nothing worse than being betrayed by the very people who are supposed to be there to love and protect us. Wrong is not a strong enough word to describe what you’ve had to endure.
You’ve already had so much taken from you – but nothing you can’t get back. It’s good that you’re speaking out and speaking up, facing down these demons that are keeping you from getting everything that should be yours. It’s painful and it’s never easy but it’s so worth the effort.
Definitely keep seeking out help – you’ll get there. You are never alone. Hoping for peace and happiness to come your way.
Please know you are not alone. You are amazing for telling your story. I hope you will find the strength within you to seek help. Reach out to a professional. I wish you well.
I am glad that you are looking for someone to help you, and that you have shared your story with us today. I wish you godspeed to find your way back to yourself again, and your music, books, and laughter. Peace, and gentleness, to you.
Elise, first off you are NOT alone! I for one am sitting right here reading every word you have said and understanding the pain you have went through and are now going through. If I may be so bold as to suggest some resources that may help you…
Angela Shelton’s Survivor Manual http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/
My life coaching blog http://tailoredlifecoaching.info
I hope that you can find some help and comfort in one of these two places! I am glad to see that you are seeking help from a psychologist. Even though right now is a scary and bad time for you, you can get back to being that happy person who enjoyed some many activities that you used to be!
This really enrages me more then anything.
Just read this, you are not alone in the world! This is all that you get, and it’s a shame that you had to start off in such a horrific way, but you still have a chance! Since you are still here it’s obvious that you are a strong person
It sucks that you where surrounded by disgusting animals your whole life, but you can still pull through and be the strong beautiful person that you deserve to be.
You are dealing with something that no one should ever have to deal with, but there is a way through! You are not alone in all the things that happened to you
You are not an object even though you have been treated like one, and, once again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Love and best of luck to you.
You are not alone.
Please don’t let them win.
You are worth so much more,
you are so much better than you’ve been treated.
There’s already some great advice and wonderful, uplifting encouragement in here. Not sure I have anything brilliant to say after what has already been said.
I can only say…. I have 3 biological brothers and a biological father, but I have no family other than those I gave birth to. I’ve been where you are. Find some help. Reach out to a counselor. Search for a group session nearby, if possible. There is hope. Hope can be such a f-er, huh? Sure it can. But, believe me. The best revenge for what they did to you is living a glorious life. It’s out there waiting for you on the other side. Trust me. I know.
(((u)))
Elise, I echo all who’ve said “You are not alone.” You are loved. Do you feel the love coming at you here, through these comments? Through the support of “strangers”? You may feel like God abandoned you, and you certainly suffered in an environment where people should have protected you…but God does love you and God has good things in store for you. Trust that.
Your speaking out here took a lot of courage and I’m grateful to see you claim victory over the story, instead of keeping it a shameful secret. My older brother peeked under the bathroom door when I was getting out of the shower. I know the shame I felt, and the betrayal found in my parent’s reaction. That was nothing compared to what you’ve had to deal with.
I pray that you are able to break free and live the life you were destined for.
You are not alone. You’re not. You’re not. You’re not. Hang on and don’t let go.
As you have heard numerous times, you are not alone. We are all here to listen, talk. You deserve happiness, and to find the help that you need ((hugs))
You are not alone.
It won’t be like this for long. Please hang in there until it gets better. Celebrate all the little good things in life, eventually they’ll add up.
{{{hugs}}}
You are not alone.
What happened to you was terrible, and it is no surprise the scars still have not healed and cause you pain. I hope you find what it takes to hang in there. Wishing you much love and peace.
hang on, sister. call one of the hotlines listed above. stay online. just stay connected to someone until the suicidal thoughts pass. there is help for you. you are worthy. you are valuable. you are LOVED. saying a prayer for you right now, Elise.
Hold on tight- you are loved.
Honey, there is nothing wrong with YOU. You’re simply dealing with the aftermath of a horrible situation. With where you are, and what you’re dealing with, writing and submitting this was a HUGE step, and I’d like to think it’s an indication that as much as you might think you want to die, there’s a part of you that wants nothing more than to live a healthy, whole, HAPPY life.
Keep reaching out, keep seeking help. You deserve to be happy.
You are most definitely not alone. Please get help, you deserve so much better than what you’re going through. I’m praying for you.
As others have said – you did NOT deserve what was done to you! You are NOT a bad or defective or failed person. Please get the help you need and DESERVE to heal these scars…it can be done..it takes time..it is a process….
First you learn how to survive with all of the pain – you are doing that now…secondly you learn how to comfort yourself and work without overwhelming yourself….finally you unpack the memories one at a time and drain their power, so that they do not hurt anymore….
altho it happens more as a spiral than as a 1-2-3 line…but YOU can do it, and you DESERVE to feel better….and someday even happy!
will keep you in my thoughts.
Sometimes the worst damage comes not from your abuser, but from those who are supposed to be supporting you. You are not alone. Please hold on.
i think what hurts at our age is realizing we never get to experience the world without the lens of what happened to us. that is tough to process.
Thank you for sharing. This is so very painful. I know it’s been said, but you are not alone.
Do you see all of these people that care about you? I pray you do. You are not wrong. Things that happened to you are.