Emma James
I was molested when I was eight years old, maybe nine. My memory is fuzzy like that. What I do recall is that he was fourteen and lived next door. He “taught” me how to French kiss and played “Doctor” with me behind the locked door of his basement bedroom. I told my parents in a vague way. They mentioned something to his parents. I think he got grounded. I, on the other hand, no longer felt safe.
I couldn’t articulate that loss of safety at eight, nor at eighteen. For years, I told the broad strokes of the events as a joke, not acknowledging the damage.
There were other violations, too. Some remain shadowed, articulated in my mind and body as simple, overwhelming distrust of particular men – family friends, family members – with whom I crossed paths as a child. The ones that happened to me as a adult are more distinct, and more complicated.
I gravitate toward violence, you see. Not because I want it, but because it makes it so much easier to be outside my self. Now, I’m not saying that rough sex is bad. In theory, I think it can be a lot of fun – in a loving relationship, where trust is a component. I’ve never had it that way. My experiences with extremely aggressive sex have always required two very different components: 1) substantial amounts of alcohol, and 2) a stranger – either in physical identity or emotional availability.
Almost all the adult violations I’ve experienced were acted out with my permission.
That’s the fucked up, bizarre reality I’m currently processing and sincerely wanting to change.
My recent epiphany was that, during most of my adult relationships, whenever I’ve said yes, I’ve actually meant NO and whenever I’ve said no, I’ve actually meant YES. Not in EVERY SINGLE instance, but far too many times for my peace of mind.
(And guys think they have a handle on the caliber of mind fucks and mixed signals they get from women… Ha!)
Before I go on, I must pause to say please, please, PLEASE do not interpret what I’m saying as illicit approval of men ignoring women when they say “no.” IT IS NOT. I’m simply revealing part of a dynamic I’ve discovered in my PERSONAL behavior that may resonate with some folks who discovered as a child that “no” was simply ignored.
So, let me explain (and here’s where it’s gonna get kinda graphic)…
I’ve said “yes” to a lot of behavior with which I really wasn’t okay, in the given circumstances. Or, actually, I’ve said “SURE,” to a lot of men. Not all the scenarios involved aggressive sex, but I meant NO each time.
SURE to him sneaking me into a hotel room.
SURE to him masturbating on my face.
SURE to him grabbing my crotch in front of a group of friends.
SURE to him using that belt on me but not letting me use it on him.
SURE to him being married.
SURE to him not using a condom.
SURE to him leaving bruises on my breasts that took weeks to disappear.
The list of “sures” is seemingly endless. Thirty years worth of yes meaning no.
I’ve said “NO,” too.
NO to him saying I’m beautiful. Whatever.
NO to him immediately responding to a voicemail. Don’t you have a life?
NO to him asking me what feels good. I don’t know.
NO to him asking me what I want. What do YOU want?
NO to him wanting to be with me. How dare you invade my space!
My thinking (if you wanna call it that) has gone something along the lines of, “If I say YES to this, I will die.”
Because YES – a real YES – means vulnerability. It means connection. It means I’ve got to BE THERE, IN THE MOMENT…
Aw, HELL no!
Give me that out-of-body experience. That’s safe. I’ve got control over that. He can’t hurt me. He can’t break my trust. He can’t betray me.
Because I’ve already betrayed myself.
Which doesn’t really matter because at least I’m safe.
HUH?
Yep, it’s taken me all this time to get the following epiphany: my brain comes up with some COCKAMAMIE theorems.
I’m ready to rewrite them.
I’m on the road to a place – just around the corner, please – where yes means YES and no means NO. It feels like I’m about halfway there. I’m no longer a child. I know what I want, need and deserve. I have tools by which to stay SAFE, by which to reconstruct boundaries and rebuild my self.
That’s one of the perks of adulthood.
Now my wish is that anyone – everyone, actually, woman or man – who lives with a similar misalignment of word and definition finds the courage and support to heal.
Be kind. Be honest. Be loving. Be loved.
####
Emma James writes at Pleasure Notes.
Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Comments
Thank you for sharing with such honesty, I wish you peace and healing xo
Emma James, thank you for saying this out loud. You write so well, so clearly, I realized what you meant. I love your list of all the things you have said 'sure' to, Me too. But then I read what you'd said 'no' to. Ouch. Me too. Still.
Writing about it, having it heard is so valuable for me. I send you this big hug from a total stranger you are touching, I hope you can are are moving into a place where you trust yourself.
You are beautiful. I can hear it. You are letting us all hear it.
Leslie
Thank you for everyone's comments and support. It took me a while to screw up the courage to read the comments. It's another step in the healing. And now I have one more reason in a gazillion for loving this site and valuing its importance.
May the new year see greater healing for us all - the still silenced and unsilenced alike.
xo
Emma James http://dlvr.it/CDKgZ
I totally understand this. Totally. I have never thought about it quite like this before, but you hit right on it. Feeling like those yes' meant that I was in control (yeah, right-I was not in control at all) even though I was saying yes or sure to things that I didn't really want at all.
I am ready to assert my yes....my yes to being treated the way I deserve to be treated (and not the way that I sometimes FEEL I deserve to be treated-because my feelings in that area are not in line with reality. I know that in the very honest part of my mind)
I love that you have had this epiphany and that you have shared it here. Such a huge lesson to learn....such a beautiful thing to actually walk out in our lives and our healing.
I understand more than I wish I did... sometimes it's still easier for me to understand abuse over love when it comes to sex. Glad you're here sharing your story... beautifully written. Congrats on discovering who you are and what you want, need and deserve... that can be so hard after abuse! Wishing you peace for the new year!
Wow Emma...just wow.
I can see myself in you, though I never opened my eyes to it until this moment. Thanks for your courage in sharing... You've given me much to think about.
I deeply, completely, understand "For years, I told the broad strokes of the events as a joke, not acknowledging the damage." I lived it.
This is an amazingly clear description of your life. It gives me great hope that one day soon you will complete your journey to the land where "No" means "No" and "Yes" means "Yes." You've captured the self-awareness of your personal value. Each one of us, each survivor, learns their value, their sense of self worth, and that is when "Yes" means "Yes" and "No" means "No."
Thank you for sharing this.
A friend recently asked me what I got out of a particular sexual experience., and through his prodding, I realized that I didn't EVER want another man to even simply touch me unless I wanted it. I didn't want to ever be in a situation were that sort of behavior was deemed appropriate, or that I didn't have the right to say "No" and have it respected.
It feels wonderful to find that power. I hope you can continue to find the power that you have within YOU.
Bravo! Cheers to you for your strength and courage. I'm glad you've claimed the victory you deserve (it is a great victory to walk the road of recovery) and are able to provide such a great witness for others.
I totally get this, too. For me, saying no was not an option. Boundaries were not allowed. And I was not allowed to want.
It's taken me years to figure stuff out and I've still got a long way to go. You wrote this beautifully. I think you captured a common problem.
Thank you.
I know what you mean by saying "no" when you mean/should say "yes." I don't think that idea is lost on most of the readers here! We're here with you!
You're words are mine. I get you. Thank You.
Thank you, Emma, for so courageously writing a story that's all too familiar to me. We are on the same road, and healing is here now.
I totally get this. You've narrated it perfectly. Peace to you, sister.
PLS Support: Emma James http://bit.ly/iac1MO
Wow...I so admire your courage for speaking out about this. I so do that too. If I give my BODY to someone, I can brush it off as no big deal. If I give my HEART to someone, I run the risk of getting hurt. Also, after years and years of abuse, I find it extremely difficult to justify in my mind my "worthiness" of being treated well. If I've been so unworthy for so long (so I was told) what makes me think I DESERVE good men and good things. I've been working on this in therapy, yet still have a very hard time with the concept. I was more than one person's "trash" for so long. How could I possibly ever be someone's "treasure" so to speak. Again, thank you for your post. Incredibly brave!
You are loved. Right here, on this website, right now.
This is just such a powerful and brave piece, thanks so much for sharing this. You are SO NOT ALONE in these feelings and behaviours but this is the kind of stuff that is so coated in shame that it doesn't get talked about nearly enough. I think you're absolutely incredible for figuring this out and talking about it, I'm so glad you're sorting it out, and I absolutely believe in your ability to live how you want.
I totally get this. You wrote so well, so clearly about the broken mind set. Thank you.
You've perfectly described how difficult it is to be vulnerable enough to really be safe. It is easier to just check out than it is to trust someone. It takes a special kind of strength to be weak enough to be really loved. Especially when your trust was broken at such a young age.
Thank you for expressing it so well.
I do this. I say "It's okay" when it's not okay. I say "I don't know" when I do know. Because "No" and "Yes" are very real words and I'm scared they won't matter. I am making a very conscious effort to say no to my fiance when I honestly don't want him to do something: "Are you sure you don't want me to come home earlier? My friends won't mind." Because it's not a trick, he's not trying to trap me into being the bad guy so he can be mad at me. And he deserves better than "It's okay." when it isn't. Thankfully, he is very skeptical when I say that.
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