Erin
My story begins when I was 17. I started working for a family owned business. The husband would often make comments to me about my appearance, about how I smelled nice, but I didn’t take it as the warning I should have. Instead I brushed it off. He was married. He was a father. Surely he meant no harm.
I worked there for two years, continuing to work in the summer even after I’d finished my first year of college. I remember how I almost didn’t want to work, but the lure of money was too much to resist. I remember how I almost didn’t go to work that night. How I lingered at home, feeling sad for no reason, wishing I didn’t have to work. But I did.
And so, in the early hours of June 3rd, after a long night of working at a car show, he raped me. The restaurant had closed, and we were sitting there talking. He engaged me in a political debate, and I can never resist politics. He gave me a cup of Pepsi, and then, things were blurry. Thinking I was tired and my contacts were old, I shook it off. We were sitting in tall chairs, across from one another, when he suddenly pressed forward and kissed me. I grabbed his wrists and said, “No. NO,” pushing him away, but he came at me again. I told him no, and tried to push him away, but I couldn’t. I knew he’d locked the door to the restaurant from the inside. I knew he had the key. I knew I couldn’t leave.
And so, in a move that will always haunt me, I stopped resisting. I arched my ribs into the hard metal of the chair, moving as far away as I could. I closed my eyes tight and didn’t speak. I wish I’d fought more, but I was afraid. Still, I didn’t believe he’d rape me until I heard the clink of his belt buckle hitting the tile floor. To this day, that sound makes me shiver. The chair was awkward, so he told me to move to the floor. I did. I remember lying with my head against the garbage can, eyes shut tight, but when I picture it now, I see it from above. My hands grabbing blindly at the air, the top of his head, the radio that was playing Ballroom Blitz. It’s been nearly nine years, and I still can’t listen to that song.
Then it was over. He handed me a towel. He told me to never let anyone make me feel less beautiful, laughable because he made me feel uglier than I’ve ever felt. I drove home, praying for a cop to pull me over. As I neared the S-curve by my parents’ house, I thought about driving straight off it, but I didn’t. Even then, I knew I was worth more than that. My mom was angry because I was so late and she was worried. She yelled at me, asking if I was with my then boyfriend, now husband. I told her I wasn’t, frantically insisting that she call him and ask. Frantic, so frantic. I don’t remember what I told her, but I didn’t TELL her. Not yet. I went to bed, pretending to sleep for three hours, until I got up at 7, took the hottest bath I’ve ever taken, and drove to a friend’s work. I told her I’d cheated on my boyfriend. Cheated. She asked me for details, I gave them, and she told me that I didn’t cheat on him. She told me what I needed to hear, and I’ll forever love her for it.
Two days later, I quit my job. I told my mom he made a pass at me and that’s why I quit. She knew, though, and kept asking if he stopped when I told him. Eventually I cracked and told her. Then I told the police and the lawyers, spending the next year and a half fighting the legal system. Feeling like I was being raped again and again. Having to describe the shape and color of my underwear to his leering lawyer, knowing full well that those underwear were entered as evidence, that he knew they were pink and sparkly and what the HELL did that matter. Finally, three weeks before we were set to go to trial, one of the prosecutors told me they were dropping the case. He said I didn’t bleed enough. Sure, they found some blood in my underwear, but he said that when you’re really raped, you bleed a lot more. He said that “my story” sounded more like romance than rape, because rapists don’t kiss you. He said that rapists find you in a dark alley and throw you against a wall. He seemed to know so much about rape that I wanted to ask him if he’d ever been raped, instead I fled the room in tears, collapsing on the floor of a dirty bathroom, throwing up. Purging myself of a year and a half of pain, embarrassment, and self-loathing.
I don’t regret telling. Even though they dismissed me, if he hurts another girl like he hurt me, and she tells, it’ll be on record that I pressed charges. Maybe he won’t get away with it again. Maybe the legal fees he incurred, the loss of his business (but sadly not the loss of his wife, as she spent that year and a half slandering me), maybe even his own embarrassment, will make him think twice.
Is there a good way to end this? I don’t know. The smell of his cologne still haunts me. If I see a bald man, my heart races. I get scared when I’m alone at night. Sometimes I have nightmares. I’ve seen him a few times since, the last time I held my head high and walked past, but inside I was shaking. But despite all of these things I now carry with me, I also carry with me a strength. The knowledge that I’ve faced down evil and survived. The knowledge that he didn’t take away my ability to love and even, my ability to trust. In one act, he took so much, and yet… there’s still so much I have.
If you’re reading this, maybe you’ve been here before, maybe you’re STILL there, trying to face down those demons. In writing this, I hope you know you’re not alone. I hope you know that you’re better than what happened to you, that you’re stronger than what happened to you, and that although it will always a PART of you, it doesn’t have to DEFINE you. That you’re beautiful in spite of the violence that you’ve endured–that you’re beautiful because of what you’ve endured.
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Erin writes at School Teacher by Day, Superhero by Night. Today, June 3, is the ninth anniversary of her rape.
89 Responses to “Erin”
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(((((()))))) You are so brave Erin. I am so proud of you and I wish I could hold on to your younger self and help you then. You are strong and I applaud you for NOT being silent!
Oh, Erin. I am so glad you shared this day. I wasn’t sure how I would feel knowing more about your story via reading it but I have to say, you expressed this so well, just right, I hope with all hopes that you feel just right in your heart, that you feel justice, because you are worth everything and more. You amaze me.
I am so proud of you.
Love,
Steph
Erin, I am sorry that the system failed you. I am sorry that the prosecutor said those things about what “real” rapists are.. I am sorry for every single person who has lost a chance to hold their attacker(s) publicly liable because some people don’t understand that sexual assault isn’t always the creepy stranger in the panel van.
Thankyou for being brave enough to speak out.
~Christina.
You’re amazing. I love you.
xoxo
You, and all who speak out, are so amazing, so brave, so beautiful, and so strong. Even, and maybe especially, when you don’t feel like it. I am positive every time someone speaks out, it helps.
I hate that the legal system failed you, I love that you see the positive in the fact that you battled back and pressed charges – that it may help someone else if he does it again. I hate the prosecutor and think what he said to you was so beyond ridiculous it angers me to no end, I love that you can still trust and love. I hate that it happened to you, I love that you speak out to help others.
You are inspiring. It does not define you.
I wish I could go punch that stupid, heartless, no-good prosecutor in the face for you. How dare he say that to you? I’m so sorry that happened to you – but glad it didn’t take away your ability to see beauty, and to love.
You’re an amazing woman.
oh Erin! I have tears streaming down my face at work. I am SO PROUD of you! I know this was hard to write out but you are strong! SO STRONG! and you are love! and I feel privileged to know you.
Tears are welling in my eyes. I don’t even know how to express my admiration for your strength and beauty, or my rage and sorrow at a system that failed you as it has failed so many others.
Erin,
You are a beautiful woman. What you say about ‘even then I knew I was worth more than that’ is so good. You were strong. You are strong.
Erin,
You are a shining light of hope in our world. What you have endured…no one should have to. By sharing here, though, you give hope to others. Much peace to you, dear one…
You know I think you are amazing. You know you are amazing. I send you hugs today and always!
“…although it will always a PART of you, it doesn’t have to DEFINE you.”
Love these words. After reading your story, these seem the perfect words to close with because though we’ve yet to meet in person, the Erin I know is not defined by this single, horrific act. She’s so much more than that. She *is* beautiful. The life she’s gone on to make is beautiful. The faith she somehow managed to cling to is beautiful. Her heart? All the more…
XO, friend.
I don’t know what to do with all the emotions this stirs in me, but it’s mainly absolute RAGE. I’m gutted for you about the rape, but to have it compounded by the ugly failure of the legal system to prosecute kills me. It’s best I didn’t know you then because I’d probably be the one in jail today. The fact that you came through this horror and retained your openness, warmth, kindness, humanity, loveliness, enthusiasm, and wit says much about your character and courage. I’m proud of you for telling then and proud of you for telling now.
More hugs your way. I remember when you first posted your story, last year was it? And it still brings tears to my eyes. You are indeed a brave and strong woman. I hope to one day get to meet you and your sweet boys.
Thank-you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for what you had to endure and that the legal system failed you. I can’t begin to understand the emotions over that as just reading about it started my blood boiling – but you are obviously very strong to have marched forward.
Continue walking with your head high.
I don’t know what to say other than I love you and you are amazing.
I wish I had more words. More anything.
Oh Erin..
I dont even know what to say.. (I sense that is a common theme) and I dont know if there is anything anyone can say, except you are a strong beautfiul woman. And no one can ever take that away from you.. EVER!
Love you…
~Ryley
Thank you for sharing your story. You did the right thing by telling and going through the legal battle.
Erin.
You are strong and so beautiful. It’s unbelievable that this had to happen to you. But you endured it with such strength and grace. And now you have written such a compelling account of what so many women have faced and they will find strength in you. Bravo.
xo
Lee
you are amazing for letting it all out. I admire you so much for being so brave.
~emily
Erin, I love you
I have loved you since the first time I saw your gorgeous face and have gotten to know the beautiful you.
You are amazing, strong woman. My heart was pumping stronger and stronger and I was so angry for you while reading this. I hope, wait, I know, that you will change another woman’s life by sharing your story.
I know you have chnaged mine.
I love you Mrs. Erin. I love you alot.
I echo Darcie’s thoughts!
“it will always a PART of you, it doesn’t have to DEFINE you”
Amen a thousand times to this. I can’t believe how utterly brave you are. Brave for telling. And thank you for telling the world now.
Thank you for speaking out. One of my best friends was raped as a child and she never told a soul. So on behalf of all the girls too frightened to speak out, thank you for being that voice. You give me hope for her.
Your courage and strength are amazing. (And WTF to the prosecutor.) Thank you for sharing. And hopefully the costs of the trial were enough to get him to never touch another person again.
Erin, I am so sorry. Rape, in all it’s different forms – and there are many – is an awful thing. Thank you for sharing, for writing and for helping many.
I had no idea the system failed you. I can’t even imagine the betrayal you felt, and still must feel.
My heart aches for you, but I’m so proud of who you are and how far you’ve come because of this. You are so strong.
Oh honey *huge, sympathetic, tear-filled hugs*
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, your bravery is commendable, and I am so grateful you continue to share your story. I, still, am not all that comfortable in talking about my incident. As I’ve told you before, it’s something I compartmentalized into a super-secret box stuffed away in a dusty, cobweb-filled corner of my soul that I choose to ignore, to only focus on the healthy and good that’s happened since.
A year ago you were awaiting your impending birth. And a year ago is when we ‘met’ for the first time, you telling your story just as you are now, but on your blog. So, there is happy in today – it’s a day in which you came into my life. I’ll forever be grateful.
Love you, honey.
thank you so much for sharing and for being the strong person you are to realize you’re worth it. You’re so worth it. “real rape” – makes me sick to my stomach. I hope that this anniversary, and every day to come, continues to bring you peace.
You are so brave Erin. I thank you for speaking out. He will NEVER get away with rape or even assault ever again.
I hope you all the happiness in the world.
~ Jaded16
I have CHILLS reading this. Thank you for speaking out. You are so, so brave to go through what you went through. xoxo
You ARE beautiful. And you DID speak out. And even though the system FAILED you, you did the right thing. And you continue to make life beautiful for those around you. And I am so glad you are here and you did not drive your car off the road. Be proud of who you are and keep speaking out. And I hope that night haunts him way more than it haunts you.
Just huge huge hugs. I as so sorry that the system failed you, especially since you found the strength to press charges in the first place.
Your revictimization by the court system, by his wife, his lawyer just compounds and complicates the trauma and grief surrounding your rape.
And yet.
You feel power, you don’t regret, you speak out.
I am so honored by your story and feel so thankful you will empower others by it.
Hug,
Ann
Erin,
Thank you so much for sharing. You are brave and strong and beautiful.
You are light in the dark to all of the victims who were not brave enough to speak out…. THANK YOU!!!
(((Erin)))) thank you for sharing your story. my eyes are filled with tears for you and me and for every other survivor out there. But my heart…it soars, because your words are so true “That you’re beautiful in spite of the violence that you’ve endured–that you’re beautiful because of what you’ve endured.”
thank you friend, thank you.
Erin – oh how I love you. Your strength in an inspiration. I know how much you struggle with this dark part of your past. I know how much it haunts you. I can only imagine how difficult it was to write this. But, I am grateful you did. You are a survivor. That man (doesn’t even seem like a word to use for him) took something from you, and yet it doesn’t define you. In that dark muck he left behind has grown a beautiful flower.
I love you so much and am so grateful for you in my life.
xoxo
Thank you for sharing your pain. I can’t even describe how this makes me feel. Sick, angry, sad. I’m so, so sorry that you went through this. Praise you God for making Erin a stronger woman because of this horrible, disgusting thing that happened to her.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your courage is inspiring. I’ve been lucky enough not to be where you’ve been, but I have a daughter, sisters, friends and statistics tell me that more likely than not one of them will be someday (or has been and I don’t know about it). I hope she reads these words and feels the power and dignity in them.
I know over the years we’ve been supportive to one another when needed, and I want you to know I am still inspired by your strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your story. Today I felt even more comfortable with myself thanks to your openness. You are beautiful and amazing and greater than anything that one could find words for.
I am so sorry this ever happened to you. You are a brave women to be sharing this with us. I am glad you didn’t keep it to yourself. I’m sending you a {{hug}}. God bless.
i’m so proud of you. you are speaking for so many women that cannot speak for themselves. i hate that this happened and then that the system failed you. i love that you know how beautiful you really are…how worth it you are….and how you allow yourself to love & trust still. love you.
I’m thinking of you, Erin. I think you have the courage and sparkle and life of a thousand suns.
You are so brave, thank you for sharing.
erin, i applaud your bravery to endure the court system. it’ll be 10 year this september that i chose not to out of fear. while i don’t regret my choice, i admire yours and wish you well in your continued survivorship.
thank you for speaking out.
I just want to reach into this screen and stop this story. Stop it at the beginning, but then I realized that this story is where YOUR story begins. Where you became YOU. And not because of this monster and his actions but because of your perseverance bursting through. Bursting everyday with the most beautiful, vivid colors shining into all of our lives. What a beautiful light you are to so many of us.
And he? Is dark and evil and lifeless and DEAD inside. And he knows it. And maybe that prosecutor declared there wasn’t enough blood to prove his guilt in a court of law, but his punishment resides in himself EVERY SINGLE DAY, at every moment.
You? BRAVE. LOVED. STRONG. ALIVE.
and so beautiful.
I love you so much.
Erin, I am So sorry. I am sitting here bawling because of what you had to go through. That man and his lawyer are worse than slime, slandering you like that. Unreal. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
You are beautiful and wonderful and so inspring.
Hugs to you today.
I am in utter disbelief at the way the justice system let you down. THAT is the exact reason qoman (girls) do not come forward. It makes me sick. HE makes me sick. HE is a insecure POS who doesn’t deserve a second thought. HE may think he has gotton away with it but HE will be judged by the highest power.
Mmmmm K? )
YOU are a strong, beautiful, powerful woman. YOU are someone I look up to. YOU have every right o be angry and scared. But YOU?? Youe perservered and have become a awe inspiring woman who loves her friends, family, husband and children with her whole heart.. ( A heart that IS whole because of the person you ALLOWED yourself to become.)
I say? ROCK ON Erin.. you inspire me to be the best that I can be.,
(OH… AND?? If you ever need me to help beat the tar out of him? I got yo back!
Amy Trahan
Erin, You are a superhero… a superhero to women everywhere who need to be reminded that it isn’t their fault, that it isn’t ok and that it is WRONG. You amaze me with your strength and courage. You don’t know me, but I am so proud of you. Superhero Erin, Indeed.
I’m proud of you for pressing charges, though sad that you were treated that way.
Oh Erin. The tears are burning my eyes and my stomach is in knots reading this and that you had to go through any of it. As ugly as these words are, they are beautiful in that you are SO SO brave. So inspiring. You tell your story to give other women a voice and that is something to forever be proud of. I don’t “know” you , but I do know that you are a beautiful, wonderful woman who is a superhero in her own right. You have risen above and you know that you are worth more, and the fact that you have endured without letting it define and you allow your whole heart to love and be full makes you so so strong. Just as people admire other superheros- I admire you. Thank you for sharing this. You’re amazing.
I hope the prosecutor who said that to you never has to feel what it is like to be raped. I hope the man who did that to you meets justice someday. Even if the legal system never catches up with him, I hope his conscience does. I often wonder what it is rapists have to tell themselves in order to justify the crime they’ve committed.
Thank you for sharing your story today, for lifting your voice. For telling and for fighting for justice, even though it was not served. You are an amazing, strong, beautiful person.
You should always hold your head high, you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry the justice system failed you. You are so brave to tell your story.
Erin,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Truly. My son was molested by a cousin and we tried to press charges. We tried to speak up, but the system is harsh. and mean. and we didn’t want to hurt our son more. It still makes me sick. all of it. everything. the fact that somehow what happened was ok?? ugh. All that to say, I am so proud of you for going through with the pressing charges… I KNOW it was incredibly difficult. You are amazing, and strong and I’m honored to “know” you.
Sarah
You’re stronger than anyone I’ve met. It disturbes me to my core that you were treated that way, almost ignored and dismissed. It boggles my mind how you’ve risen above so high that an act so horrible and devastating hasn’t defined you. how you live or who you are. For that I give you many, many kudos. You, Erin are one impressive and amazing lady.
(((u))) Thank you for sharing your story.
Shame on the system for putting you through such misery. Unfortunately, it seems to happen more often than not.
I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing. You’re braver than you probably give yourself credit for.
I didn’t see that you’d shared this until tonight, so I read it on my iPhone while we were running errands. It wasn’t until I saw a drop on my phone that I realized your story had me in tears. Although I knew what happened to you shortly after we “met” it wasn’t until tonight that I knew the details… and how much more I respect and am in awe of you. Brave, strong… those words don’t even begin to describe it.
You are beautiful, inside and out. There’s so much more I could say, but it’s already been said by the other wonderful women who have come here to tell you how amazing you are. <3
I love you, sweet lady.
You are an inspiration because of what does not define you.
Thank you.
Amazing entry. You are inspiring. Thank you for keeping your Self intact, and telling your story.
You are an amazing, brave woman. I’m so sorry that this happened to you on this date, which happens to be one of my favorite days of the year – my birthday. Thank you for telling your story.
He never got you on the inside… your soul, your wisdom, your words. Your courage to “tell” is your great strength and you have saved countless others the pain of secrecy. You are wonderful. And you’ve won a bigger victory than that inside a courtroom. xo
Oh, Erin. You are so beautiful and strong and inspiring. You are such a service to women who have been through something similar. I feel such admiration for you for holding your head high. For pressing charges. For sharing your story. For speaking out. You are amazing, Erin. Thank you for sharing this with us, for sharing it here.
xo Elizabeth
Am proud you found the courage to speak up and help others with your story. I am so sorry you had to go through it, and more than once. The legal system is a bitch.
Erin,
You are strong, brave, beautiful, and loved.
Katie
You are truly amazing!!
I’m so sorry and angry that they dropped your case, but he will get what is coming to him. I absolutely believe that. The wicked prosper for a season – but seasons change. You are right and he is wrong and that’s that.
You are definitely SO MUCH MORE! I’m glad you don’t regret going forward. And I love your call to others to assure them that they’re not alone.
You are brave and strong and a true inspiration to others.
Erin, you are so great for sharing your story! Every time I hear of situations like these I get so angry at the SOB that did this. You are awesome to have the strength to stand against this pile of slime in court and to find something positive in the miscarriage of justice that put you through so much. Rest assured there is a great cosmic scorekeeper and this piece of human excrement will pay the consequences. But in the meantime you have risen above the silence and pain to not just survive but to overcome. You are an inspiration to me. I am so sorry for what you went through but thank God for the amazing person you are that has allowed you to be victorious through a very long and painful battle. You rock!
I admire you for pressing charges, I never had the courage to. I am so very sorry that the justice system failed you, you deserved more and I’m glad that you know that.
Hugs,
Heather
Thank you so much, everyone. I cannot say thank you enough. I feel like I finally got the day in court that I never received, the day that I so richly deserved. Love.
Your terrible story was beautifully written. It caused me to look up some statistics. Approximately 73% of all rape victims know their assailants. So much for the prosecutor who said that rapes happen in dark alleys……. Then I read that 60% go unreported and only 6% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail. Erin, your strength in telling your story and your determination to prosecute are the weapons that could someday end this travesty. Sharing your story, not only will be a deterrent to keep this monster from striking again, but an inspiration for others to share their stories. You’re a beautiful, strong, and smart young woman. I hope the pain fades in time.
Thank you for sharing your powerful story. You help us all.
Oh, Erin. It takes a lot of strength to tell such a story, but even more strength is required when you go to court. The prosecutor doesn’t know shit about rape… OMG, it must’ve been so hard to relive everything in court and then get the case dropped. I’m sorry for what you had to go through….
But whatever that [insert cussword of choice] did to you, he wasn’t able to take away what a strong and brave woman you are. Thanks for sharing… and thanks a million for your last sentence.
Thank you for speaking out, the prosecutor had no right to tell you that. I too hope the pain fades with time *hugs*
Erin, I love you.
You are so wonderful for sharing this story. More than words can express. You are so wonderful for trying to find justice. I have no doubt that things you have done will help other women. I have read your story before, and like the other times it makes me feel so much. Most importantly, proud of you!
Love, Leah
I hope by telling your story, you prevented him from doing it again. At least other people found out about it and hopefully, they watched their daughters when they were around him. Thank you for speaking out and telling your truth. I would like to think prosecutors nowadays wouldn’t treat a victim of rape the way they treated you nine years ago. One could only hope.
The system failed me too, Erin.
Thank you so much for telling your story and helping me feel less alone.
Erin, you are beautiful. On the inside and the outside. That awful man can never take your heart or your soul. I am so proud of you for your strength and your bravery. You have helped so many with the telling of your story. You are amazing and I’m proud to know such an awesome lady.
What a strong women you are Erin – your courage and beauty filter through the horror of your story and I imagine you standing tall.
I am numb just from reading, I can’t even begin to imagine how you live with this everyday. What a horrible man, and I’m sure he will get his karma for what he has done to you. But I am so glad to see that the glimmer of hope and love gets stronger everyday for the good left in the world and I’m so thankful that you kept a strong hold on that light when you needed it the most. Thank you for sharing and I know we all wish we could take it back for you. Hugs.
Your story personally affects me in a way I can’t explain. Knowing it was THAT day (my 18th birthday, a very memorable day for me), knowing now the details of how totally powerless you were, that you knew the guy and trusted him and he, in exchange, wrecked you. All of it is a nightmare. You’re brave and lovely and I am so glad that there are women like you — women who do the talking for all of the other women who aren’t there yet.
Erin,
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and keep returning because there’s something seriously inspriring about the way you choose happiness despite what’s happened to you. Thank you for being brave.
I understand. I understand the sudden knowledge that you’re NOT going to be able to leave. And then stop resisting. I understand a lot of this. I am glad the first response was your friend putting the blame where it belonged. The first person I told I’d been raped, said No, you were seduced.
I am proud of you fighting in the legal system, though I am not strong enough to face that. My rapist was also a father. I think only idiots will base rape on how much you do or do not bleed. As if.
I am thankful you joined our community by sharing your story. I hope to see you around.
Me
Oh honey. I am so very sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are a strong woman.
Sweet Erin, you are awe-inspiring. I hope with all of my heart that each time you share this story you feel justice, vindication. Because each time you do you prove how you have endured, persevered, overcome, grown more and more and more beautiful. You’re helping others with your story, your life, when the waters of violence could have washed you away. You’re my hero. xoxo
Erin, I just got over here and read this and I’m so proud of you for sharing. You’re so brave and so loved.
Erin, you are an amazingly wonderful person. Sharing your story so openly and for talking about your survival and how you are so strong. I am a parent of a child who was sexually assaulted at the age of 4. She told me. I believed her. And we too faced down evil.
I can tell you that winning doesn’t take away the pain and the hurt and the anger and the anxiety or immediately lift you out of hell. Well, not from the mom perspective anyway. I hope my daughter will be strong like you. And one day when she writes her story that she, too, will say she faced down evil and survived.
Thank you are two very small words that carry with them so much that I am unable to articulate. I hope you know how much your story has impacted me.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are amazing, strong, courageous and inspiring. What you have done here is beautiful and will help other victims to speak out, thank you xo