Eva Marie
Tonight was one of those nights where light bulbs were exploding in my head. A night that was filled with listening to others about their experiences, reflecting upon mine, and realizing yet once again..everything does in fact happen for a reason.
After coming home from a meeting where a handful of women share their experiences, dreams, hopes and steps towards healing from emotional abuse, I found myself repeating over and over something in my head I’ve said a thousand times before…. To heal you need to grieve… To grieve you need to feel… To feel you need to be open for the ache… To do that is to love yourself, and know you are worthy of the time and energy involved.
Much like living, I believe surviving will be a lifelong process. There will always be situations or comments that will trigger a memory or thought no matter where I am in that process, but the true test will be how I digest it, and respect it when it happens.
It’s one thing to announce to others that I am a survivor of child sexual assault, domestic violence, and spousal sexual assault and quite another for me to allow myself the respect and grieve the loss of all of what that means.
The first time I realized all of that was an extremely emotional period for me. It came after many nights of no sleep, days of not eating, and a feeling of dread every time I entered my home. For so long I had carried the shame that was not mine to own. In a way it provided a comfort; with it always there, I never had to grieve the loss I had suffered.
It was on that night that I realized that the “little girl” I had always felt was lost, was actually still in me. She always was, except I had spent my life ignoring her needs much like the abusers who clawed at her.
I was only a very young five-year-old child the first time I was molested by a neighbor. Right then and there is when that little girl became frozen in time. There were other men in my childhood who molested me after that. None of them knew the other, and none of them were blood relatives, the only thing they had in common was they were able to see me for the scared little girl I was, the lonely little girl that I am sure they knew would make a perfect victim.
Until recently I never cried tears for the real loss I suffered at their hands. I did cry for the shame I carried — their shame — but never did I grieve the loss of innocence too early until that one night, when all of a sudden the tears and sobs poured out of me, and I realized that I was grieving the loss of my childhood.
Perhaps in a twisted way it was also because on that night I was unable to get my estranged husband’s words out my head in which he unleashed on me that final assault, that last assault in which he physically, emotionally and sexually assaulted me with my two boys within ten feet from us.
It was as he had me pinned on my bed, after he violently ripped my legs apart, and while his unrecognizable controlled face sneered at me that he said, “What’s wrong? Bringing back childhood memories?”
That statement haunted me for well over a year, until that night. That night where I found myself grieving my childhood. Lost years. Lost innocence. Shattered dreams… all of which over the years accumulated to fears and shame I held close to my heart.
It was then that I realized I needed to grieve not only the loss I suffered as a child, but also the one dream I held on to so tightly that I never realized the nightmare it actually was: my marriage. The one thing I thought I could control how it turned out. If I was the perfect wife, then I would have the perfect marriage, the perfect love. I put so much focus on that over the years that I never realized just how heavy and burdensome that shame I carried in me was. How could I have a good marriage, let alone a perfect one (if there is such a thing), if I didn’t respect myself enough, didn’t love myself enough, to even grieve all that I had lost? He knew it, obviously he did when he issued that statement to me. He knew I carried that shame because he knew those words would cut me like nothing else. Not even the pain of him ripping my legs apart as he pinned me down hurt as bad as that statement.
Love should not hurt. Love should not punish. I needed to love myself. I needed to stop hurting myself with the burden of shame I carried. I needed to stop punishing myself for the actions of others. I needed to grieve the loss of the dream I never lived to begin with. I needed to comfort and console myself. I needed to respect myself for all that I had been through and, most importantly, I needed to realize I deserved so much more than I had allowed myself to receive. Yes, that night was the night I started my grieving process. That was the night I started loving myself.
So as I sat there tonight listening to women discovering this aspect of healing for themselves, I was reminded of the road I am still walking — grieving takes time. To survive something, first you must grieve whatever it was you lost…..To heal you need to grieve… To grieve you need to feel… To feel you need to be open for the ache… To do that is to love yourself, and know you are worthy of the time and energy involved.
Tonight I do not question that I am worth every minute of my own time, for my own healing and, most importantly, to honor that little girl that spent many years lost within myself.
25 Responses to “Eva Marie”
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Wow. I don’t know you, but feel this odd sense of Pride for you. And for your children.
You have captured something I truly believe – you must love yourself. You are worth the time and energy needed to recover. Bless you for sharing this insightful disclosure into your healing process. This is an outstanding example for anyone who has suffered and is striving to overcome.
Thank God that little girl never really went away — she matured into a strong, introspective, respectful, empathetic, confident and emotionally empowered woman. BRAVO!
Glad for you and your children that you have started the journey. May its path lead you to the peace and happiness you so richly deserve.
I really, really can’t find words for this.
And I really don’t need to. There’s nothing I could ever say that could possibly do a better job than what you’ve already said.
I am awed.
And I know — personally — someone who should read this. I hope she will. But even if she doesn’t, someone will who needs it just as much.
Thank you, thank you so much for putting this out there for others to find and take strength from. You’ve done more than you can ever know or even imagine.
Your story is as beautiful as it is heartbreaking. And your survival when not surviving would have been easier is not just an inspiration, it’s a gift. To yourself, to your sons, and to untold others.
Thank you for giving it so freely.
I finally grieved for my innocence a couple of years ago, too. ((((HUGS)))) It’s a different grief. Thank you for sharing.
I learned this hard lesson a few year ago when a complete stranger, hugged me and said I’m hugging the little girl you were and letting her know someone loves her. It absolutely floored me a stranger saw me as I was all those years ago and knew that little girl needed comfort. Like you I realized I needed to embrace her as well and let her know she was finally safe and loved. I loved her, as I love myself completely these days.
Thank you! for sharing this part of your life, for the courage it took, for loving the little girl you once were. (Hugs)Indigo
Bravo!!!
I want to say I am so proud of you because so many people never come to a place where they allow themselves the time to tenderly care for themself.
This was written so well.
oh. my.
i’m sorry that you have suffered so much. but so thankful that you are loving and recovering. i wish you much peace and happiness in your future. (hug)
” I believe surviving will be a lifelong process.” So true, Eva Marie.
Thank you for sharing. You’ve come a long way. Here’s to a future full of peace and healing.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Thank you so much for all the wonderful and kinds comments so far – I really do appreciate them all!
Such an important recognition – self worth. Grieve and recognise and move forward. Always moving forward. Pleased you are giving yourself the space.
Congratulations, while the abuse and torture you suffered was incredibly unnecessary and more horrible than anyone can understand I think you will like the person you become after the grieving and recovery is done.
Remember to always keep your head up!
Good luck to you!
I’ve often felt that the little girl I once was is lost, but you’re right; she’s still there, and she deserves to be indulged. Whether that means buying yourself a Barbie or letting yourself cry, we all need to take care of our inner children.
I’m proud of you.
Oh, Eva Marie, your words resonate. Thank you for sharing, and I am so glad that you are surviving and that you recognize your worth. Hugs to you and to the little girl inside you.
Loving yourself is so hard, even under the very best of circumstances. How much harder when you’re carrying around other people’s shame? You do deserve to grieve for yourself, and to love yourself, too. Never doubt it. Thanks for sharing.
Liz
This was so well written!
I’m proud of you for recognizing that you must allow yourself ot grieve the losses you suffered in order to move forward in life and for taking the steps to do just that.
You are strong & brave.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Beautiful post.
Thank-you so much for these words – “To heal you need to grieve… To grieve you need to feel… To feel you need to be open for the ache… To do that is to love yourself, and know you are worthy of the time and energy involved.”
I read them to my daughter, who is recovering from a horrible injury.
Bless You!
What a truly powerful and moving post. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m deeply touched. I wish you peace and strength as you continue onward in your journey toward healing.
God works in mysterious ways. Who would have ever thought that his cruel words would trigger your healing process? I’m so sorry that you were victimized like that. To hurt a child is the lowest and most evil form of violence.
oh, that little girl
Thank you for sharing your story.
Learning to love yourself and let go of that shame is the hardest part – even though the shame, like you said, isn’t yours to carry.
Putting it to words, sharing your story… that’s such a huge step towards healing.
I truly hope that little girl inside you is beginning to thrive again. Because you’re right – she wasn’t lost, she was just hidden inside you.
Thank you so much for sharing here.
I know exactly what you are saying about that little girl inside you. I was molested when I was only 3. I remember it. Not clearly, but well enough to be certain of its reality and how it has affected me my whole life. I wrote about it in less than vivid detail (because I can’t write it any other way) here:
http://fragrantliar.blogspot.com/2009/06/void.html
I take care of the little girl inside me still. I think of her often, and I treat her to special things once in awhile because she is me, and good self care is essential.
I also had an abusive husband. Not as violent as some, but that doesn’t diminish all the years of how badly he treated me. I got out too, with my four kids. I’m so glad you did as well.
My best to you.
Kimber