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April 3, 2012 | rape, survivor story

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During the rapes there was always something that made me even more uncomfortable than I already was, BROMAZEPAM duration. For example, BROMAZEPAM canada, mexico, india, sometimes he tried to put as many fingers in me as possible (at moments he was supposedly trying to ‘please’ me), so that it felt like I was gonna tear down there. Or he would decide to suddenly choke me, BROMAZEPAM without a prescription. Some things that he did were very humiliating. BUY BROMAZEPAM NO PRESCRIPTION, Of some things, I didn’t even know people did that. BROMAZEPAM class, A couple of things that happened, I can’t even write here, it’s too shameful, australia, uk, us, usa. I think no one wants to read that. Buy no prescription BROMAZEPAM online, I essentially was some kind of doll the whole time, put in all kinds of sexual positions. I tried to stop some things, BROMAZEPAM dosage, like pushing his hand away again and again, BROMAZEPAM dangers, saying I didn’t wanna do something (anymore), saying something hurt too much. With some things I just let it happen, BUY BROMAZEPAM NO PRESCRIPTION. Mostly because I wasn’t really present when those things happened, BROMAZEPAM price, coupon. There are a lot of memories I lost for a long time. BROMAZEPAM photos, I can also recall some kind of hopelessness, in which I thought: ‘Whether I protest or not, it’s going to happen, ordering BROMAZEPAM online. So who are you fooling to keep trying?’ And when I felt this hopeless, BROMAZEPAM from canadian pharmacy, I let it all happen. BUY BROMAZEPAM NO PRESCRIPTION, My ex had power over my emotions. He only gave me emotional attention during or after the rapes. I can remember one time in which I could stop him, online BROMAZEPAM without a prescription. The consequence was that he completely ignored me. Purchase BROMAZEPAM, He also had power over my body. At the moment I ‘gave up’, he could pretty much do anything to me, BUY BROMAZEPAM NO PRESCRIPTION. I protested and let him know I didn’t want it, but of course he won, BROMAZEPAM over the counter. He controlled the whole situation too. BROMAZEPAM from canada, He was the one who had decided we were going to be together, and he was the one who decided when he thought it was enough. He dumped me after 10 months, order BROMAZEPAM from United States pharmacy. BUY BROMAZEPAM NO PRESCRIPTION, I think he felt like there was nothing left to use.

People don’t understand why I stayed with him, BROMAZEPAM without prescription, and I didn’t understand it myself for a long time. But it was quite simple, I had no idea what was happening to me, where can i order BROMAZEPAM without prescription. I didn’t see the things he did as sexual abuse. Buy BROMAZEPAM from canada, I thought it was my fault, because he said it was (he said I was the one turning him on, even when I did absolutely nothing), buy BROMAZEPAM from mexico, but also because I couldn’t deal with the fact that he abused me. So it was easier to put it all on me, BUY BROMAZEPAM NO PRESCRIPTION. BROMAZEPAM blogs, Next to that, because I often wasn’t present during the rapes, I didn’t remember what had happened afterwards. And when I did remember, it was somehow quite easy to make myself forget. So I was in major denial, and that’s why I didn’t leave him.

Only after the relationship, when I began a new one, I noticed how weird my reactions to certain situations were. BUY BROMAZEPAM NO PRESCRIPTION, Quickly after that, many things came back and I got depressed.

Now, 4-1/2 years later, I finally feel like I can move on from this. I’m not done healing (are we ever?), but I feel less shame and guilt every day. I know now that HE should feel guilty and ashamed. He did something wrong, I didn’t. I just didn’t react the right way, because I had no idea what the hell was going on.

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Comments

13 comments
Kaitlynn
Kaitlynn

Fenna, I can relate to your story on so many levels. This shame is not yours, it is his and his alone. I too often wondered why I stayed through some really messed up things, but in the end, at least for me, I know that I tried hard to understand and care for the person beyond the craziness. I believe the healing is a long, slow, agonizing road and is different for each of us. Take your time, be kind to yourself, and remember it is not your fault. {{hugs}}

di
di

Fenna, you are not the one at fault. Don't ever think it was something you did or did not do.  I am so glad you are recovering! ~~diane

JuniperLimb
JuniperLimb

I wish you continued healing and unloading.  It isn't your shame to carry around.

xlmic
xlmic

Fenna, you're doing the hard work of healing. Allowing yourself to feel is  so key. I'm hoping you have a solid support network for yourself. Thank you so much for sharing your story. (((hugs)))

Deb Rox
Deb Rox

I'm so sorry for all that you went through, and I'm so glad you are healing now. It can be incredibly hard to break through denial when relationships are punctuated with repeated rapes, as it's one of the least talked about forms of interpersonal violence. Your healing is a triumph, and that you so much for sharing your story. You may help many when name what has been happening to them, inspiring their own safety and healing.

SarahPMiller
SarahPMiller

Fenna, thank you so much for sharing your story here. I think there are many people out there who end up in abusive situations where they just don't know how to react. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

I hear so much hope and strength in your words. This line -- "I’m not done healing (are we ever?), but I feel less shame and guilt every day" -- is exactly what I wish for you: a little healing, a little less burden every day.

 

Peace to you.

Fenna
Fenna

 @Kaitlynn 

Hey Kaitlynn,

 

I'm sorry you recognise so much from my story. But thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this. It's so surreal that we actually stayed, that I can't always bame others for not understanding. But I'm glad I know why I did what i did, and seems like you do too.

 

Thanks for saying it's not my fault and thanks for replying :).

 

Cheers,

Fenna 

Fenna
Fenna

Dear Diane,

 

Thank you so much fo saying it's not my fault. It keeps being so important to hear that when I share my story. 

 

Cheers,

Fenna

Fenna
Fenna

 @JuniperLimb 

Hey JuniperLimb,

 

Thanks for saying it's not my shame. Sometimes it's hard to believe it, then I feel really small and dirty. But, as I said, the times I feel better about myself are increasing.

 

Greetings,

Fenna

Fenna
Fenna

 @xlmic 

Dear xlmic,

 

Thank you so much for your nice reply and support. It means a lot :).

 

Cheers,

Fenna

Fenna
Fenna

 @Deb Rox 

Dear Deb,

 

Thank you so much for your nice reply. And that's exactly the problem; nobody talks about that kind of violence in relationships, so I didn't see it as violence. And nobody talks about rapes in relationships, so I didn't see it as rape. I hope you're right, that there are people out there who can find my story helpful.

 

Greetings,

Fenna

Fenna
Fenna

 @SarahPMiller 

Dear Sarah, 

Thank you so much for allowing me to post on this website. I think it's amazing that there's such a place for people to speak out. 

I think you're right, that there are more people going through similar things. I hope reading this can help someone.

 

Greetings,

Fenna

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