Flutter
My fiance dreams of finding me, in a bed drenched with my own blood. He dreams of running through the door to save me and being too late. My brother dreams of finding you and slicing you from ear to ear and watching you bleed. He dreams of finding me bleeding on that floor, just a little too late.
Too late to save me.
These are two more things you’ve stolen from me. To have the man I love think of me as someone whole and happy. To have my brother never have to think of the sex that ruined his sister. To them, I will always need protecting, I will always be bloody and just beyond help. They will always be too late.
Seventeen years is between us and our chance meeting. Where five minutes of your mania forever changed me. Where five minutes of your sickness made us inexorably tangled. Five minutes at the point of your knife, taking me from what I was and making me into what I am.
I am in a different city than the one who saw me innocent. But in the stifling heat of this new place, I still look for you. Your smell rising hot from black pavement as I walk to my car. I hold my head in haughty awareness, a frail armor for the scared victim that I am. My nerves always tingling when I am alone, waiting. Tense. Poised. My fight or flight forever enacted in memory of you.
In memory of you raping me.
In memory of you using your knife as an appendage and ripping me open from the inside, as I begged. My voice bounced off the tiled walls of the public restroom. The sound of my jagged voice, mixed with the mocking wheeze of your laugh. You laughed as I begged you not to destroy the dress that my mother had worked overtime to pay for. You laughed as I gasped with each thrusting jab of the knife. You laughed as I stopped crying and started to fade. You bit my lower lip, then dragged the knife across my cheek. To wipe across my face, blood from my womb. You spread your drunken breath across my face and asked if I believed in Jesus.
When I said yes, you told me to beg him for my life.
I did.
In the late December of my undoing, you held that same knife aloft and I saw your fingernails, caked in my blood. I wondered how many others had their protein under those nails, how many women were now smeared inside of me and over my exposed skin. You grunted in release when you replaced your knife with your body inside of me. You stole that from me, too. The possibility of fogged windows in summer, sharing my virgin body for love, or very least for lust. But either way, of my choosing. You took my choice with your odd, blunt fingers and your disturbing yellow eyes.
You made me tell you that I loved you, then called me your pathetic whore.
I was a whore before I had ever been a lover.
I believed that later, as I knelt in your absence in that same bathroom and scrubbed my blood from the tile floor, smelling your semen mixed with the flower of my veins, all around me as disparate twins. The springs of this unlikely coil, tightening among the industrial pink hand soap and paper towels I used to clean away my terror. The same paper towels I held between my legs to keep my blood from running down.
My pain is a scar, it rests in the entrance of me. Put there by your knife. Six weeks after you branded me, forever your conquest, that scar was revealed to a doctor as he aborted the child who somehow managed to nestle in my womb. Your child. A minor miracle, quickly extinguished by the terrified girl you bludgeoned. My first pregnancy, stopped short. My virginity, stolen. My life forever altered and you will never know my name.
I believed you when you told me you would find me if I told a soul. I believed you when you said you would finish the job. I didn’t sleep the night I told my story for the first time, in fear that you would come in through my window and make good on your promise. But I will not keep quiet now. I have survived this war and your shock and awe. You will never make me beg again.
***
Flutter blogs at Flutter: Dark and Divine.
128 Responses to “Flutter”
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You have always been so brave with your story.
You have altered our lives, and we know your name, but for good not ill. I am forever hateful that someone did this to you.
I am stunned witless every time I consider the violence and horror. I love you and I pray for continued healing for everyone affected by this crime.
You bless us in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your story.
i am left in awe of your strength.
you are the epitome of a survivor in a multitude of ways.
my heart goes out to you.
I want to reach all the way across the country and give you a huge hug.
you are telling now. your courage always astounds me
i don’t know what to say. i am only here to witness, to walk into the shadows of your truth and stand silent, listening, with my heart. it’s the only thing we can do for you and i hope that, some days, it is enough of what you need.
You are my hero and the closest thing to a warrior I’ve ever known. You have no idea how proud I am to call you my friend.
I don’t know what to say, because no words I conjur will be enough.
My chest is tight and my eyes are stinging and want so badly for this to be bad fiction.
You are so strong. You are so worthy of all things good. You are so admirable, for your ability to type those words and speak your story.
You turn your pain into such stark beauty, you know that? I ache for you.
oh, flutter….
fly….
Stunned by your bravery and horrified by the depths of evil that some are capable of.
Sending love to you.
whoa.
support darling. it’s all i have. I’m at a loss for words.
Flutter,
I love you.
You are such a strong woman a survivor in every way.
My heart goes out to you and all that was taken from you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Maybe later when my eyes aren’t stinging with tears and my chest releases this awful, breathless knot and my heart stops pounding I’ll be able to formulate a coherent comment…
But for now I can only say God Bless you. Your strength is palpable. You have become the victor.
Such a horrific event, yet you survived. You are telling your story. And that’s the key. Peace to you.
may your life going forward be full of joys and wonderful successes
my heart goes out to you. i don’t even know what to say except i am grateful you are able to tell your story and that you have the strength to keep living, fighting. thank you for sharing this painful story with the world.
I’m crying, sitting here at my desk, for that girl who survived a horror I can’t imagine. And for the brave, beautiful woman you have become.
Thank you for sharing …. I am so sorry that this happened, but you are a survivor. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Anything I could say is not enough. Thank you and bless you for your words and strength to tell the story.
I, too, am in awe of your strength not only for surviving such a horrific ordeal but for being so brave as to share it with us. Wishing you peace.
I’m speechless, good for you for not staying silent.
There is power in your words so I see the depth of strength in your heart. You are so brave to write this, to expose your heart after your life had been stripped bare already. You have my deepest respect and love. I wish there was more I could do for you.
Yet another one of those moments in which I’m reminded of how little I know.
All my heart to you, flutter, having read this reclaiming slowly, thinking on every word.
Your words, your story define strength.
You are, simply, gorgeous.
I am in awe of your ability to survive this. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
You are such a miracle, Flutter. You really, really are.
I just love you, Flutter, and as always, I’m proud of you.
You are a blessing and your survival and your writing inspire so many people. My wish for you always is peace and I pray over and over that you may find it fully. You are so deserving, so brave.
I love you, sweetheart, and your brave soul.
i love you so much.
((hugs))
Thank you for your bravery. This story has torn me open.
I have no words, only tears and awe. Much love to you.
My God… what an incredible, strong, and beautiful woman you are.
Good Lord, I am beyond words.
I am stunned by the violence, by the pain, by the terror, by my own guttural desire to destroy this creature. Slowly. And I am stunned by how beautiful your words are as you share this reality.
“But I will not keep quiet now. I have survived this war and your shock and awe. You will never make me beg again.”
SO glad to read this. So glad to hear these words reverberate in my head, punching down all of the ones that had preceded it as I read your story. You have come so far and done so much just with this telling.
I hope you find inner peace with this. I don’t know if it’s possible after something so horrific, but I hope that it is and that that peace manifests itself at your core. I think your coming forward to share is not a step but a leap in that direction. I hope it was cathartic for you. I can only imagine the courage it has taken to leave this behind.
Kudos to you for being so brave and for so eloquently sharing.
That was not easy to read. Not at all. Beautifully written but horrific and hard to stick with. I pushed through and finished, though, and then I read it again. For you and for all the women like you who had no choice to to endure the horror in its entirety…and then to have it never really end for you at all – even years later.
Thank you for sharing this. I always marvel at how these ugly stories are often written in some of the most beautiful prose I’ve ever read.
Horrifying to read. Thank you for sharing this.
As hard as this was to read, and to write, how horrible to live it. I hope you finding your voice brings you freedom from fear, and hope from helping others. Thank you for sharing your beautifully written thoughts and feelings.
I want to hug you right now. Thank you for sharing so much with us.
Holy Muther Frelling God.
Here is to you, still standing. You may not know his name, but he’s now branded. Karma WILL find him and lord will we dance a merry jig on his final resting place.
Here is to the other “boys” in your life, including all of them reading your story for the first time. They, who were never the sick fukcs you had to deal with, but will leave your story with more inner strenght to do the right thing and to tell others so they too can always do the right thing. Some day one of these “boys” will be in the right place at the right time, and will hear a cry for help. Some innocent will be saved because of your strength. You have made a difference.
Thank you for sharing your bravery and your vivid memory. I am so very sorry that anyone could do such a horrible thing to you. Reaching out to offer strength and support. Be victorious and live a wonderful life.
I love you and I am so proud of you.
I cried as I read this. You are such an amazing person, my heart aches for what you went through.
I don’t know what to say, but I feel compelled to say *something*. Your courage and bravery and strength need to be acknowledged.
I cannot imagine a much more-horrific situation than what you endured… what you survived.
I am so sorry.
You are amazing and I thank you for sharing your story with the world. I pray you are blessed with joy unmeasured and love every day of the rest of your life. You richly deserve it.
Oh Flutter, I hurt for you.
Beaten, but never broken.
ABSOLUTLEY MOVING
Totally, completely amazing… I am in awe of this, of your writing and in your strength. As a rape survivor myself, you have given me strength to continue to speak up… You have so much to be proud of.
Oh Flutter. I’ve read you blog for years now. And I knew there was a rape. And I knew it was traumatic. But…. Oh dear.
Thank you for your writing.
I would rip him apart with my very hands, if I could. Mentally I can. Mentally I do. I hate the pain he put inside of you.
I’m so sorry, Flutter. You are loved. By me. And so many more.
Flutter, I have no words. My heart is still racing. I applaud and admire your bravery and inspiration to share this. Each of your post gives us pieces of you, and this a HUGE piece. HUGE.
I heartcha.
Your courage is enlightening. Thank you for speaking out and sharing your story. No one should ever have to go through the pain that you have been through.
Your strength has moved me.
XOXO
You are a brave, beautiful, and courageous woman. Thank you for sharing your story.
I never quite know what to do with the emotions I feel when I read your story. Today though, I think I will stand and wonder why? And as I ask that question yet again, I find my why being mixed with new tears…
I don’t know how you put such horror into such accessible, darkly beautiful words. I mean by that, not that anything about the experience could possibly be beautiful, but that I am there with you, I feel a sliver of the pain and terror and grief, and your ability to let us in is amazing.
I’m also left hating that thing, I hate him along side your brother and your fiance.
To weep for the loss of innocence… and so much else.
You are amazing and brave.
No flutters here, just soaring free and ever higher my sweet, sweet friend.
What a horrifying ordeal you have been through. You have so much courage.
you are the victor. you. every day. so proud of you for speaking the first time, each time, this time.
You amaze me.
I love you.
I’d kill that fucker if I could, too.
[...] shares real life personal accounts of survivors who tell their experiences of domestic violence and sexual assault to real people who listen, regardless of age, race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation or [...]
(hug)
You are so brave to share your story, your life. Sending you love and light and warmth.
from all that was taken from you, you’ve made something that shines. i see your light and find healing, acceptance.
thank you for standing human and always in process, always struggling towards healing, in front of us.
I am overwhelmed with the love on this page. Thank you. All of you, for being here ans bearing witness
Thank you.
We all stand together now.
Thank you.
Speechless.
Absolutely in awe at your strength and courage to not let him win.
Thank you for sharing this… you are incredible. amazing. strong.
Your courage knocks me flat, time and again, and makes me–all of us–stronger.
You are the bravest person I know. Even knowing this story, it still shocks me to hear it again.
I love you.
You are so brave. Giving voice to violence when so many keep quiet. Thank you for sharing your story. xo
Your strength–your ability to heal, to live, to speak beyond your fear–is beyond inspiring.
I will bear witness, as well. I wish you peace, Flutter.
I’m here. I wish I had been there to save you.
You’re amazing.
Thank you.
Oh Flutter, I love you so much.
Your beautiful heart, always open and loving, no matter the terrible things you’ve survived. You are incredible.
I have so much anger in me towards this sick terrible bad man.
I don’t know what else to say except that in this post I can see the real you, standing in utter loveliness.
I was so disgusted reading this. It angers me that people like this scum exist in the world to do these things to innocent people.
It hurts my heart but it makes me smile that you were able to share this. That you won’t be silenced and you won’t let some pathetic being scare you into silence. Good for you, for being so strong and being able to share this.
I’m sitting here with goosebumps and my mind is completely blank. I think I’m in shock…I’m so sorry you had to endure this but I’m so glad you survived it.
It’s taken me since yesterday to be able to comment on your story Flutter. Twenty-four hours to be able to form even a coherent sentence. That may be a record. And I’m still not sure I can manage to leave this comment without spiraling back into the rage I felt when I read this the first time. I don’t even know you and I feel the same fury your brother does. And it’s impossible to type with your fists clenched. Thus the delay.
I can only find refuge in the thought that someone has already dispatched the sadistic fuck to the special corner of Hell reserved just for him. I try so hard to find the kernel of good at the center of everyone, but this time… I see nothing but pure undiluted evil. To call him an animal is an insult to animals.
I don’t even know where to begin to look for words to comfort you, or to express the awe I feel for you. You have done what only a very few have. You have looked into the heart of the distilled essence of evil and survived. Survived and become an inspiration for others. Survived and faced the aftermath head on with a courage I thought could only exist in fiction.
I hope with all my being that telling it to the world has rid you of the poison. And that someday you’ll be rid of the lingering fear as well. There’s a Hindi poem written by Surykant Tripathi ‘Nirala’ that you remind me of. It’s enitled Himmat Karne Walon Ki Haar Nahin Hoti — “Those with courage cannot be defeated”. Your courage is evidenced by your very existence. By the fact that you continue. And that you can tell this story in such heart wrenching prose… I am awed, even humbled, to bear witness to it.
Your story leaves me feeling shaken and bruised. But you have such amazing courage and strength, and a such a powerful way with words, that I am full of admiration for you.
Speechless. ((hugs))
You mention a public restroom. Because of this post, I will NEVER, EVER let my daughter use a public restroom alone. She’s been campaigning for the independence. Not. Gonna. Happen.
I honestly don’t have words…..good for you for finding strength to speak out.
My dear friend,
Your bravery is staggering. Your words haunt me over and over again. I love you . . .
Oh, Flutter, you brave, beautiful woman, you. To make such grace out of such a pile-on of horror. You are amazing. Feel it. Know it. You are.
Your strength and your beauty and your survival are magical to me. You are a fighter, although I wish you didn’t have to be. I wish you didn’t have to fight this battle. I ache for your pain. Truly.
I am in awe of your strength. Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
Jesus.
I hope that bastard dies a horrible, horrible death.
I hope the nightmares eventually leave you in peace, and your loved ones as well. And I’m glad you survived.
It feels like that at first, gutted and afraid. Like the best of you lay there on that bathroom floor and what got up was only a facimile of you…I know different. You and I dear friend know different. It took us both ages to find the depths of who we are…in the end are so much more than the horror that tried to unseat us.You saw the face of evil up close. He never got to truly see the beauty you are. You are and always will be the victor in that.
I’ve always known you were brave, a powerful spirit in your own right to be reckoned with. Your words resound with strength. I hope this man finds himself in his own special kind of hell. A hell where the pieces he stole from you and anyone else, take from him day after day. Leaving nothing.
Love to you my sweet friend. There is a subtle power in the telling. (Hugs)Indigo
I can’t help but be horrified at what you went through, but I’m equally awestruck that you are able to overcome it as well as you have. Let’s hope this guy is rotting in prison somewhere. Thank you for telling your story.
I am sickened on your behalf. I am so sorry. So sorry.
In the end, though, you won. Don’t forget.
Sweet Flutter. As ever, I am in awe of you. Your strength, your beauty and your bravery have never been so evident as they are on this page.
I love you.
I’m horrified to know you have had to bear this pain, this burden.
I am so proud of you for overcoming it.
I am blessed to be able to call you my friend.
Thank you.
I am in tears as I read this. Thank you for sharing your story with a stranger.
The story, the imagery, the pain. Thank you for sharing.
Oh… I can’t imagine how hard this was to write. I’ve read you for awhile now, and knew that you had a story to tell, and that it was a horrifying one.
But reading this, and reading your writing, knowing that you have not only survived, but are determined to recover and thrive – your strength is truly inspiring.
It’s so true that a rape, or abuse, not only affects the victim, but so many others that are part of the victim’s life… because the victim is no longer who they would have been.
Thank you so much for sharing this…
Oh, Flutter. I am so sorry.
And thank you, for ending the silence he imposed on you.
As always, you are a brave and amazing woman, my Flutterby. Thank you for sharing your story of survival here. You rock.
In your new world, the world of today, know – from experience, from the love shown here – that you are NOT alone in that room with a madman. And he can never hurt you again.
Strength in numbers comes from survivors holding hands.
I hold your hand today – and every day – and any time you need it, beautiful.
No words. Just an overwhelming need to reach out and fold my arms around you. Love, love, LOVE to you.
I am speechless. I am sitting here with goosebumps, crying at what you have endured, at what so many have endured. Your strength is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you.
So many levels of admiration, here.
Horrified and near vomiting just reading about it, I am in awe that you could have survived such a thing, allowed yourself to love and trust anyone.
You are amazing.
I am so, so sorry – is sorry the right word? Angry. Appalled. – that such a thing happened to you. The WRONGNESS of it is paralyzing.
I am so thankful that you are brave enough to put it down here.
[...] I am no longer satisfied to muddle through denying the potential of my light. Today, I am at Violence Unsilenced and I am imploring upon you..once again..to lend me your kindness. Thank [...]
I am so thankful that you are here, that he did not succeed in robbing you of your life, and robbing me (and countless other readers) of your beauty and brilliance.
Love you, flutter dear.
You know how our stories are alike, how we both lost our innocence that way. As always, I’m caught by your words.
wow. eloquent. horrifying, and profoundly probably represents just a fraction of the nightmare. Even for you, with such a precise command of language, I fear there’s a wordless place that’s much worse than this. I’m so sorry. And so impressed. Women are so tough, so much tougher than we want to be, aren’t we. I’d like to correct you, though on one point. “taking me from what I was and making me into who I am” You change in each minute. One moment may change you forever, and so will the next. Doubtless, that ten thousand fantastic moments will never undo one such terrible moment, but none of them define you. None of those moments are “who you are.” The woman you are exists regardless of each moment, not because of it and not in spite of it. No act of evil can undo you, your soul is whole, and much larger than you can imagine. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sure I’m not the only one who will carry it with me. That’s why this site exists. The protective love of your fiancee and brothers is here to help you heal, they won’t have these dreams forever and neither will you.
Oh, Flutter. Thank you for bravely sharing your story. You truly amaze me.
I’ve known part of the story for awhile now but this just breaks my heart. You are an incredibly brave woman and I’m thrilled to call you friend.
@byflutter I love you. And even though it’s not enough, can never be enough, I hold you in my arms for as close a hug as I can muster, to soothe, and to be soothed (for my own experience at age 15, also a virgin). Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your story. For being brave then, and now. XoXoXo, @Jasperblu
Your beautiful strength shines, despite the pain and what was taken from you. You will ALWAYS be beautiful, and strong, and amazing to me. Thank you for sharing Flutter. Today, and everyday, you bring strength to those even who are not even aware that they need it.
Moved beyond words that you are able to share your story, and that he didn’t steal *your* words, *your* voice, *your* power.
You are an awesome woman.
Honey – this is so powerful and searing – it is you taking back what was taken from you. In words. So proud of you for writing this. Love you.
My words for you are written on my heart; you’ve read them before; they remain the same.
Anytime, anywhere you are telling your story, I will listen and encourage others to do the same.
My heart holds so much love and admiration for you.
every single last one of you has made me feel supported. Loved. thank you.
Words cannot express.
So I hug you in my mind,
and call you,stranger, my sister.
Thank you for your courage.
Thank you for surviving. And I mean that exactly how it reads, because you made the *choice* to survive: That day, six weeks later, and every single day since then. If only that motherfucker knew…
You are a powerful woman. Thank you, thank you — from one survivor to another.
You are very brave! You are strong!
My heart breaks that you had to go through this. You are an amazing woman. You really are.
Thank you for sharing. Your writing lays bare your heart and soul, both of which are immeasurably strong and beautiful.
I love you like no other. You are amazing, brave and strong. So very strong.
I am in awe of your honesty and your perseverance in dealing with such a horrible ordeal.
I am so proud to have you in my life.
I love you.
I am teary eyed upon the re-reading and find myself without what I would deem appropriate words other than how fucking tragic and I can relate to your brothers anger…
You are an amazing woman, who is adept at writing both brutally and lyrically all at the same time and my god – leaving me speechless and teary eyed for that young girl who lost so much.
Thank you for this site, and for sharing your story.
It has been amazing to read your transformation, you seem to be going through an empowering change and I applaud you once again for the courage and strength you show reaching out to people who cannot express their pain as eloquently as you do. Bravo flutter, bravo.
God, Almighty, you have taken my breath away. You are brave beyond comprehension. Thank you.
My words can only fall far short of what I’m feeling inside for the pain you and your family have endured. My best, kindest, most supportive thoughts I send to you. And thank you for sharing your story. You are indeed courageous, and you’re not a victim anymore.
I love you Flutter. You’re so brave.
You are telling everyone, survivor and sadist, that you will not back down, you will not fear anymore, you are a force to be reckoned with, you are powerful, and evil has no hold. Not only no claim to you, but you have extinguished its smirk, its tenuous victory it though it had, for you ripped it away, and morphed that victory into your own, your “perfect stand,” your pinnacle.
You inspire so many people, so many little girls, so many “unsure” boys, so many scared older women who never got their story “straight,” couldn’t recall or didn’t want to recall all those horrid details that would help release the sadists’ hold.
I can be such a volatile, righteous, vengeful spirit. I use my height, my frame, my carriage, my strength and ice cold direct aim to intimidate the evil. I can imagine doing unspeakable dark things to the sadists’ that try to rob us of…ourselves. I’ve lashed out, for myself, for my sisters, I’ve hurt bullies and scared the scariest son of a bitch out there, infusing my brain with my own past’s fear and letting that fuel my rage, but I’ve graphic dreams in between night terrors, of taking control back, of doing so much more than scare them for that is not enough, of making them suffer, of torturing all those that have taken others’ spirits, their light. To be the force that the judicial system isn’t.
But, then I read your story, and see that my way is not one of healing. Not one of long-term benefits, and that vengeance will feel empty after the sadists are dead, but their memory, their hold survives. You have broken that seal. You killed that surviving hold it had on you, and everyday you grind your heel in its dusty bones, every time you wake up, every time you love or laugh or cry, every time you tell us, every time someone reads this.
Thank you, Flutter, for sharing these pieces of you, and for making yourself so whole and so female. Such an experience has yielded great suffering, but so much more belief and trust in human spirit, in the strength of a strong heart to achieve what so many are unable. Your honesty in living life, your vivacity, your real peace, to thrive and push back the ominous tendrils that could consume us, reinforces for us the good, the light, the truth and makes me want to reach towards humans, instead of hiding in the shadows.
Thank you.