Thanks for sharing this story. And thanks for calling him the "love of your life". I am having such trouble with my own situation as there's something about these relationshps that makes you feel complicit. And the violence has not been severe - it's mostly verbal abuse, and occassionally frightening displays of physicality, but I've never been touched. My husband has been in and out of drug treatment and sometimes it feels very much like he's changed. But the moment he starts using again, things go out of whack. And when he uses he hides it/dissimulates/won't take any responsibility for his actions, then suddenly it's me who has this radical misinterpretation of reality. This, that or the other thing "didn't happen" and I'm just crazy. Anyway -- most people seem to write about these issues in very black and white terms. I am in a desperate shade of grey about the way I was raised and about the facts of my marriage. We have been separated for nearly two years. I am safe. I am constantly monitoring the situation with my children in hopes they are safe when with their father, but I can never trust the person who claims to have changed. I know the werewolf is still in there. And because I always left (three times in 12 years) before the violence got out of control, I often wonder -- DID I imagine it? Am I crazy? It's so weird. Anyway, thanks for your post, it gave me permission to share these thoughts.
LASIX FOR SALE, [Editor's note: Over the past two and a half years I have received many letters from former Violence UnSilenced contributors asking to post updates to their stories. I have decided to institute a new weekly practice, "Follow-Up Friday", that allows them to do just that. The message from new contributors is that you are not alone in your suffering; the message from former contributors is that there is hope and freedom in survivorship and recovery. If you have a story of abuse to share, or if you are a former VU contributor who wishes to share an update on your story, please click here.
Lea's original VU post appeared here on September 3, 2009. This is her update.]
It’s taken me a while to write this. I know there are so many others who need to share their stories and well honestly, I think 2 years later I am still processing everything, LASIX FOR SALE.
I wrote my story for Violence Unsilenced a little over 2 years ago, I think. Where can i buy LASIX online, So, if I already wrote my story for all to read, I guess you are wondering what this is. Let’s call it hope. Let’s call it faith. LASIX FOR SALE, Let’s call it peace. Really, it’s an update, but it’s also all those other feelings too.
On November 27th, 2009 I woke up, to my phone ringing, I had thought of ignoring it but noticed it was my daughter. One thing I don’t do is ignore the phone when the kids call me, where to buy LASIX, especially at an hour that I’m not normally awake. “Tess. What’s wrong, what happen, you okay?” “Mom, wake up completely and call me back,” she said to me, LASIX FOR SALE. “I’m awake,” I said as I tried to sit up in bed from both the stupor of the phone ringing so early and the fear that clutches any mother when her child calls to tell her to wake up completely so she can hear what is being said... I repeated, “I’m awake, are you okay?”
And then, as her words filled my ears, I was up faster than I’d been up in a long time, fear pushing me faster, while I lost my breath as she calmly and quietly said to me, LASIX over the counter, “Mommy, Dad found me." I couldn’t quite tell if she’d been crying, I know the tears flowed from my eyes without me noticing at first. Thoughts sprang into my head, like a racehorse running his finest race. But the words could not yet come out of my mouth. LASIX FOR SALE, WHAT. HOW. WHERE. HUH. She would be 18 the following February, and the following April would have been 18 years since the last time I saw him or felt his blistering beatings.
Moments passed as I was trying to take it all in, wondering if I should have gone farther than 400 miles away, what was I going to do, too many thoughts running through my head for me to think rationally, finally I hear, “Mom, you there, LASIX FOR SALE. Are you okay?” “Yes, I’m here, LASIX without a prescription, tell me what you mean please” I blurted out stupidly. “I’ll forward you the email,” she says, again quietly, calmly, something this beautiful child of mine seems to naturally possess. “Then call me back." I could manage only an okay. It took longer for the email to get there than anticipated, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, my mind thinking, Ordering LASIX online, oh man we are out of here tomorrow, no matter what the kids say or plead, as I waited for this email. LASIX FOR SALE, Finally, one more hit of the refresh button and there it was. I tentatively went to open it and stopped. I hadn’t felt that sort of fear in so many years, I wasn’t sure how to react. Finally, I opened it.
Forwarded from her My Space account (how stupid of me to allow her to have one of those accounts with her actual name on it - but our last name is very very unusual and rarely can anyone spell it correctly, even those that have known us for years get it wrong, so I never even considered he would remember it) The words jumped out at me, “Hello, My name is ______, LASIX use, I am looking for my daughter Tessa ____, daughter of_____, and was wondering if you were her. Please let me know, LASIX FOR SALE. Thank you."
Oh my god, what was I going to do. While she was nearly 18, an adult not even living with me any longer, my first instinct was and still is to protect her. I sat with the email for a while knowing she was waiting for me to call her back.
“Okay, so did you respond to him?” I asked as soon as she picked up the phone. LASIX FOR SALE, “Yes,” she said, as my heart skipped a beat. LASIX pics, “I told him, so you found me, now what?” My daughter, the strong one, the smart one. “Now what,” she says to the man she’s heard about. To the man she knows I’ve always loved but could not stay with, to the man who fathered her and beat her mother, nearly killing her and I.
We waited. A few hours later came his response, LASIX FOR SALE. “I was hoping I would find you, I have been looking for four years for you." Again, LASIX forum, my daughter surprises me. We’d been on and off the phone the whole time, kind of talking about it but not really and a text comes in from her, “Check your email mommy." It was a forward, from her. Her response without anything said by me. “Well, you’ll have to speak to my mother before anything else goes on." Wow. LASIX FOR SALE, My brave sweet grown up little girl couldn’t have made me more proud. We waited for his response. A few more hours and he asked for my number. “Can I give it to him Mom?” “No, Order LASIX online c.o.d, ask for his and I will call him," I answered. I couldn’t take a risk. I would block my number, just in case, LASIX FOR SALE. His number came quickly. My call to him did not.
I waited a few days to call. I wanted to be strong and sure. LASIX FOR SALE, We heard nothing from him while he waited for me to call.
The phone rang four times. And after nearly 18 years, I heard the voice of the man I still loved and hated, “Hello?” Trying to remain calm, my voice shaking a bit, I replied without even a hello, is LASIX addictive, “What is it you want?” A pause, what felt like forever kind of pause, than without asking who I was, he said, “Thank you for calling." I listened. “First, I need to tell you, I am so sorry for all the pain I caused you, so so sorry." I listened, wondering if this was a ruse, something I’d heard all those years before, Where can i cheapest LASIX online, after his beatings. “I’ve never stopped thinking of either of you or looking for you both, I’m so sorry, so so sorry for everything." I listened. “Hello?” I heard again, “are you there?” he says, LASIX FOR SALE. “Yes, I’m here, what do you want?” I reply. Again, he tells me he’s sorry. He tells me he’s been clean and sober for five years, he tells me he’s been in and out of prison for all these years and he’s finally put five years together, that he wants to get to know his daughter. Mixed in all of this, LASIX dose, he continues to tell me over and over how sorry he is. LASIX FOR SALE, I ponder all this, listening. Gathering more and more strength, I must be strong, for both my daughter and I. Then I hear the words I was certain I would never hear, after all, I’d heard I’m sorry from him every time he’d beaten me, they really meant nothing to me, but these words did. “Can you ever forgive me?” he says, in almost a pathetic way. Taking LASIX, I wanted to be mean, I wanted to yell and scream at him, I wanted to use my intellect, my words to cut him deep, deeper than he’d ever cut me, yet out of my mouth came, “I forgave you a long time ago, it was the only way not to raise my children with hatred in their lives, hearts and soul." I was astonished at my words. Truth was, I HAD forgiven him years ago, I HAD to, I was too angry not to forgive him, LASIX FOR SALE. The forgiveness was for ME though, a purely selfish act. It was true, I had to forgive him in order to raise my children without hate, LASIX pictures. I hadn’t forgotten, nor do I think I ever will, that is much more difficult. I simply didn’t want to be a woman who walked around angry all the time and had just asked to be allowed to forgive him, never thought about it again, until that moment. LASIX FOR SALE, Another pause, then with what I can only think of as astonishment, “You did?” came from the other end of the phone. “Yes, I did," I said. “Thank you,” he blurted out. Purchase LASIX online no prescription, I told him I had to go and would call again in a few days. I asked him to please not contact my daughter again until or if I gave the okay. He promised me he wouldn’t, thanked me for calling and said he looked forward to hearing from me again, LASIX FOR SALE. I said, goodbye and hung up without knowing if he said anything else.
My daughter, our daughter, asked what we were going to do. I explained that I needed time, I needed to speak to a few people, I wanted to make sure he was true to his words. But, who would I speak to. LASIX FOR SALE, I’d removed all of them from my life years ago. She knew it and I knew it, after LASIX. So I waited. He kept his promise, he did not contact my daughter again.
I called again a few days later. Again, a humbling voice on the other side, thanking me for calling, LASIX FOR SALE. We spoke about things that had been left unsaid between us for many years, we spoke about his time in and out of prison. His new girlfriend. The four--yes, four--other children he had. Two with the woman he had cheated with on me, two with another woman. LASIX FOR SALE, The older two, both girls younger than my daughter, have little to do with him, their mother wanting him back in their life as a boyfriend to her, not accepting that he lived with another woman, filling the girls with hatred for him, rendering me thankful that I’d not done that with my girl. Canada, mexico, india, The other two children, a 13 year old girl and 11 year old boy, lived with him and his girlfriend. He had custody of them, due to their mothers drug abuse. He told me that he’d beaten all the mothers of his children (three of us) as well as in the beginning, the woman he lived with now. He told me other things, we spoke for a few hours. Every once in a while he would tell me how sorry he was for all he had done to me and thank me for being so nice, LASIX FOR SALE. Then the question came. “Can I contact her?” “No, not yet,” I replied, buy LASIX online cod. “Can I have Wendy and Terri’s phone numbers please?” I asked. His sisters. LASIX FOR SALE, We’d been very close. “I can give you Wendy’s number, but... and I waited for it. Here was the BUT. Yet, it wasn’t the BUT I had thought.
“Terri passed away a year ago, cancer took her from us,” he said, sadly, LASIX FOR SALE. And I was sad too. Terri had introduced me to him. Terri (as had Wendy) thought I would be the one to straighten him out, Buy LASIX from canada, the love of his life she had called me many times. Terri was my friend and in my fear I had abandoned her, as I fled for our lives. LASIX FOR SALE, I’d like to think she forgave me before she passed, knowing what I went through with him, but I’ll never know. I called Wendy, my long lost sister friend and we spoke for hours. She assured me, he was sincere in everything. Though I’d cut contact with her initially, two years after we had fled, I’d missed her so much I contacted her, made her promise not to tell where we were and she had kept that promise, until a few years ago when she honestly felt it would be safe for us, but we’d lost contact years earlier again so even she wasn’t sure where we were, no prescription LASIX online. She is the one that had been helping him with the computer searches, including, the last one leading to us. She reassured me over and over that he had truly changed, LASIX FOR SALE.
I would speak to him for another month or so, here and there. I even spoke to his girlfriend a few times, who I liked immediately, though a little saddened that it was her that helped him change and not me, I still liked her and could tell she was sincere.
Finally, in January 2010, LASIX brand name, I sat my daughter down for a talk. He’d kept his promise and had still not contacted her again. LASIX FOR SALE, I asked her if she felt like she wanted to meet him. She was hesitant, asking what I thought. I laid out the plan I’d been working on for a few weeks.
“Here’s the deal,” I told her. “I’ll call and ask if he and his girlfriend would like to come out for a weekend, but she and I would be present when you and he met for the first time." I would not leave my daughter alone with him. She agreed, hugged me, told me she loved me and that it would all be okay, something that would happen very often in the next few weeks, LASIX FOR SALE.
I called the next day and offered him the deal. He said he understood and would have to speak to his girlfriend on when they could come out. Could he have my number to call me back. Still, is LASIX safe, not quite sure, I quietly gave it to him, telling myself I could always change it if I had to and honestly, still having a few backup plans, for quick getaways and keeping numbers that I might need on speed dial. LASIX FOR SALE, 911 was easy though and in this city where we live, domestic violence is far more frowned on than where we had came from. Police come quickly, very quickly.
Within hours, he called back. In two weekends they could make the trip. This is where they would be staying. I told him, fine, we will meet you there at 7pm and told him of a restaurant that we would meet them in, LASIX FOR SALE. Online LASIX without a prescription, The deal was set. I couldn’t back out. He asked if he could contact my daughter and I asked that he didn’t until the meeting. He again promised not to and again held to that promise. LASIX FOR SALE, It was the only way I felt I could keep control over the situation.
The weekend came up fast. We all were a bundle of nerves. As we pulled up to the hotel, I was surprised to see him and a woman standing outside, waiting for us. I told my daughter he was right there, she looked at me with all her strength and dignity and told me it would be okay. He looked different after all the years, heavy, bald, many tattoos gone from some prison program he’d been in, LASIX FOR SALE. I looked and still do, pretty much the same, LASIX photos, older but the same. We recognized each other immediately through the windshield of my Jeep. I shook my head no. He didn’t move. LASIX FOR SALE, I noticed the woman had a video camera with her. I was shaking. I got out of the car and moved towards him, gesturing towards my daughter that she could get out. She got out of the car and I gave him a nod. He moved towards her, while his girlfriend videoed the exchange, hugged her and he cried. He then turned to me and asked if he could hug me, LASIX FOR SALE. LASIX for sale, I nodded and shook as this man, this man who’d used those hands and arms to try to kill me more than once, were gentle and kind, wrapping around me as he whispered again, I’m sorry, so sorry, thank you for forgiving me and bringing her here.
It was an odd night. Some of it filled with laughter, some with solemn sorrow, for what all of us had lost, including his girlfriend, due to years of violence, buy LASIX without a prescription. My daughter, lost her father for 18 years, I’d lost the love of my life, he’d lost us both and his girlfriend tried to make the best of it. LASIX FOR SALE, I liked her better in person than on the phone, much to my surprise. It was me who suggested that she and I go to lunch the next day, at the end of the evening, allowing my daughter and him to have a few hours alone. He and my daughter were surprised, but I knew my daughter and her strength to turn her back on someone if not treated right. Somehow, I just knew in my heart he would not physically hurt her. What is LASIX, Emotionally, mentally that remained to be seen, but again, my daughter has grown into a strong independent woman and naturally knows to remove someone abusive from her life, something I marvel at, since it takes me still a bit to do the same, where she does it instantly.
That didn’t happen, LASIX FOR SALE. Nor did I return to the love of my life. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t even suggest anything of that nature, mostly because I have too much respect for his relationship with his girlfriend, but also because maybe, just maybe, effects of LASIX, the two of us together like that might be toxic and I simply wasn’t sure that I could walk away from him again, but there’s a happy ending anyways.
This weekend, my daughter, our daughter, is off camping for the second time with her father, his girlfriend, and her new found little brother and sister. LASIX FOR SALE, And while the other two girls will not be there, my daughter has given them an open door to know her. They in return have refused, poisoned as I said by their mother, even towards her and I. LASIX samples, She says it’s their loss. That’s my girl.
I won’t say I have a “relationship” with him these days. We talk once in a while, LASIX FOR SALE. He texts me happy mothers day and happy birthday on those days. An occasional email here and there and even Christmas cards have been exchanged and when we go out there now, without fear that he might find us, we always have dinner or lunch with him and his girlfriend. I do live with forgiveness in my heart, pure forgiveness and a pure joy that our daughter gets to have a relationship with a changed man, her father.
My father has always told me, people don’t change. LASIX FOR SALE, And I always believed that, drew strength from that when I ran from him, uprooted my 8 week old daughter and my life from a place I’d always called home, to a new town in a new state that she now calls home. Yet, buying LASIX online over the counter, this man did. With much regret he lives, but change with maturity and growth did come, in a good way for him. I am happy that he is happy in his life and he has stuck to the promise he made me, that he would never hurt our daughter. I’m sure he knew I would make good on my promise to kill him, if he ever did.
I have no idea if others have ever had this happen to them, LASIX FOR SALE. As I said in the beginning, this story is about hope, about faith, about peace. Today I can also say, it’s about pure forgiveness, about trusting again and yes, love. Love for a human being, who is trying to come to grips with a past he created, one he regrets and lives with everyday. Love for a little girl, who’s grown up into an amazing woman and finally, love for myself, knowing with absolute certainty, I made the right decision, the right choice for all of us, all those years ago, one I don’t have any regrets about making... LASIX FOR SALE, anymore.
I can only wish others will find their way back, one day. One day.
Oh yes, as for my son. You all were right. It wasn’t too late for him either, LASIX FOR SALE. He no longer verbally abuses me, he doesn’t raise a hand to me. He treats girls with respect, more often than not. And he loves his mama, or so he tells me. I believe him.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Very moving and good advice to other women regarding your warning that you did not initially reach out to him. That you only did what you did (in contacting him) as a response to his sincere attempt. You're very smart to have checked and verified to make sure he was sincere and following through with what he agreed (not to contact your daughter when you requested he not do so).
Your daughter is very strong! You taught her well. She must have earned strength and resolve from your actions you took to protect her.
Forgiveness is everything...a gift you gave yourself and your daughter...and son.
Blessings to you and your children always!
I'm glad to hear you're doing so well and that your son and daughter are too. While it's wonderful that he has been able to change, I'm sure that your leaving him and keeping yourself and your daughter safe from him was absolutely necessary. Your daughter sounds like she's grown up into a wonderful woman with good self esteem and confidence. You broke the cycle of violence by saving her from witnessing that abuse as a young girl. Thank you so much for sharing your story before and following up with us!
Thank you all for your kind words and such. I didn't write my story to become an inspiration for others, I'm kind of embarrassed ab out it actually. I approached Maggie months ago about writing an update and to my surprise, she had already thought of it but had not incorporated into this site yet, being a busy as she is already, adding one more thing was more than likely daunting for her. But I don't know, I can't speak for Maggie.
For me, writing is very cathartic, as I am sure it is for many, if not all, who have shared their stories here. It took me a while to write my update. A whole jumble of feelings flooded me each time I sat down to write it. I was concerned that what I wrote my hurt some of you and that was the last thing I wanted to do.... I also didn't want my story to give false hope to anyone either. My biggest fear is that one of the many here, might think there will be a chance for them to have an ending such as ours (or a beginning as someone said) and it to turn into another nightmare for them.
I'm so very humbled by many of your comments. BUT I need to stress that, HE reached out to us, not the other way around. In all honesty, while things have turned out well for my daughter, and myself in a certain way - with some closure in some things, we still have many things we need to work through, in ordered to bring complete closure, so we can further move on with our lives. And had he NOT contacted us, or had he not been sober - today we would not be in touch, nor would he have a relationship with my daughter.
I have no delusions that him and I will ever be together again (but as I said in my story, I still love him... and hate him) I do have the hope that we can continue to see each other as we have been and one day, there won't be that air of being uncomfortable with either of us. I think because I forgave him, I am less uncomfortable, than he is. In time, perhaps he can forgive himself and won't be so uncomfortable when we are all together.
Again, please let me stress. I did not make the first move. I doubt had I been the one to reach out, the timing may not have been right and my reaching out may have made it worse. That's not to say that I hadn't thought about looking for him - I just realized that if/when he decided he wanted to meet our daughter, he would come to us. But, I think he knew, he would have to be sober and have his life together - and that is what he has done.
We got lucky. Others may not be so lucky. PLEASE, do not look for him/her, contact him/her or give him/her any of your information - for your own safety.
I don't believe in God, but I do believe that there is a power greater than myself.. and with that belief, I asked for help in forgiving him and that came, lifting a huge burden off my heart and my soul. Never expecting anything in return.
Life continued on as it had. Until we received the email. I laid the rules down and he followed them - had he not, I would not have arranged a meeting.
I just can't stress enough, about forgiving yourself, forgiving him/her and then move on with your life. If he/her returns into your life, please be extra careful.
Also, know... I am here for any of you at any time for whatever reason. Maggie, you have my permission to give out my email address to anyone that might like to talk to me.
This story, and this new feature, is very important for everyone in their own stage of the healing process. Lea, congratulations, and thank you for this update. Maggie, thank you for adding this new line of entries.
Crying and in awe of all of this. So wonderful for all of you, and for us, these lessons.
Thank you so much for sharing.
New at @VUnSilenced Follow-up Friday: Lea http://t.co/dG53lVX
RT @vunsilenced: Are you a former Violence UnSilenced contributor? Please consider sending a follow-up: http://t.co/wlaL3bB (Please Retweet)
I am so glad that you shared your update. What a beautiful thing it is when someone truly changes and relationships can be repaired. It is a rare blessing that you and your daughter have been given.
Introducing a new feature on VU, "Follow-Up Friday". Please check in and see how Lea is faring: http://t.co/qFmxPtv
I'm all sniffly over the ending (new beginning?) to your story. I'm also so proud of the strength you and your daughter showed.
RT @vunsilenced: Introducing a new feature on VU, "Follow-Up Friday". Please check in and see how Lea is faring: http://t.co/wlaL3bB
Introducing a new feature on VU, "Follow-Up Friday". Please check in and see how Lea is faring: http://t.co/qFmxPtv
Great idea to do follow-ups! And Lea, I'm so glad your children and doing well and that this man seems to have changed. That's wonderful.
This brought me to tears. I'm so glad your daughter will be able to have a relationship with her father, and it''s very good to know that he has changed. What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing.