Heather
I have talked about this before, sharing bits and pieces, flashbacks and memories, in my old blog, Singing With My Heart. I wrote in that blog for almost 6 years, my own personal therapy as the words came from my haunted memory, to the virtual page in front of me. Memories of my ex fiancé, Xander, and our toxic, painful, abusive relationship that we had with one another. There are still tons of memories, waiting to be released, but this one. I will never forget this one. And I’ve never shared this one.
I remember it clearly.
It was a gorgeous, sunny day in June. Two days after my 19th birthday. My freshman year of college was over, and I was actually being allowed to spend the day with my best friend. I remember being excited to see her, to catch up. I was never allowed to see her, so this was a special treat.
I was staring in a mirror, carefully checking to make sure the makeup wasn’t smeared, that the angry blues and pale greens weren’t showing through the NW25 foundation that I applied every morning, liberally. It was comforting, applying that foundation every morning. Almost as if I could erase the past night’s transgressions of drugs, alcohol, and abuse; as if I became new, that no one could see through the cracks of the facade that I had been living for almost 7 months.
So there I was, double checking the foundation, when he appeared behind me, his eyes bloodshot, his fists clenched. I remember smelling the whiskey, as it invaded my nostrils, mingling with the smell of Marlboro Reds. I sat, paralyzed as I knew what was about to happen. It had been happening for 7 long months. My strong-willed personality was too much for him to take, always. I was never right, he was. I was never good enough for him. I was never pretty enough, never skinny enough, I was never enough. At 19 years old, I was the perfect prey for him; vulnerable, full of guilt and low self-esteem and self-worth.
And just like that, his fist slammed through the mirror, shards of glass flying around me. My body being yanked from one end of his room to the bed, being pinned in a split second. The feeling of his body on top of mine, his knees forcing my legs apart, his hand forcing my head to the side as I felt my body being torn in two by him. I remember that. I remember feeling my cheek smashed into a pillow, just enough space to barely breathe, my mouth gaping, while he raped me, as his other fist connected with my rib cage.
It was useless to tell him no, completely useless to fight him as he’d just take what he wanted anyway. I was at the point where I didn’t even fight, I just lay there, lifeless as the tears rolled down my cheek, silently, while he laughed at me, mocking me. The sound of fabric ripping brought me to life, and I knew I was going to fight this one. I was going to take this one and try my damnedest to fight. I started kicking, starting screaming, starting punching, until I hit hard enough to make him stop. He sat back on his heels, and laughed.
“You will not make it out alive from this one, bitch,” he said, sneering, as I shivered beneath him.
“Go,” he said, taunting me.
I got up, running to the door, trying desperately to break free, feeling the blood trip down my legs, a tangible reminder of just how rough he had been. I remember being scared, truly scared. I remember the fear, swirling around me, wondering if I could actually live through this, again. I fumbled with the door knob, trying desperately to open the door to the stairs, trying to get out. The door broke free, just as I saw the stairs, felt a fist to the back of my head, and it all went dark.
I woke up 18 hours later, to the beep of a heart rate monitor to my left, and my mother staring at me, her brow furrowed, on my right.
As of June 21st, it’s been 2,577 days since I was shoved down 27 stairs by the bastard that I was in love with for 9 horrific months.
Two thousand, five hundred and seventy seven days since I broke nine ribs, my left wrist, received 96 total stitches and chipped my right cheek bone on the night that my ex-fiance tried to kill me.
And on July 23, 2003, he killed himself, and left a long letter full of blame towards me.
I went back to college in the fall, as a sophomore. I started drinking even more, sometimes I’d drink a fifth of vodka just to make it through half of my morning classes. Then I’d go back to my dorm, crawl into my bed, and cry myself through a nap. When I’d wake up, I’d drink another fifth of vodka, swallow some pills, smoke a joint, snort a line of coke. I spent most of my time self destructing, and finally, after being there for almost 7 months, I left college. I continued to abuse myself, continued to abuse my relationships with those who truly cared about me, and it wasn’t until I hit rock bottom one night, that I realized that I had completely stopped dealing with what had happened to me.
Not only had I lost someone I loved, but I had been sexually and physically abused to the point that, honestly, I didn’t even look at my body as mine anymore. It was as if anyone could own me. I shut it out by drinking, by getting high, by having sex with random strangers… anything to numb the pain. I hit rock bottom by offering a $20 bill and a blow job to my drug dealer for one joint. The next day, I checked myself into therapy, and moved into my parents house.
Therapy was no a cakewalk. Therapy hurts. It works, but it’s not easy. I’m still, almost 7 years after his suicide, learning how to deal with some of the nightmares that haunt me in my sleep. There are certain smells that take me back to an exact moment when he hit me, or raped me. Certain songs cause me to hit the floor and curl into a ball. The month of July is a long, and emotionally challenging month, even now. I quit. I started again. I quit. I started again. And on April 5th, 2010, I had my very last therapy session regarding this trauma that has caused irreparable damage to my life.
How do I cope? Even now, music and writing have healed me the most. I listen to all different types, and just write. I started my first online blog, Singing With My Heart, almost 6 years ago to deal with the pain that I felt in losing Xander, and as I started to remember more and more about what happened to me with him, it evolved into a blog where I could write, and heal. Let’s face it, as a survivor of sexual abuse & domestic violence, sometimes, it’s a lot for people to take. My friends didn’t know what to say—They were 19, 20 years old, and enjoying themselves at college, partying, and living their lives. My parents were completely unavailable for me, emotionally & physically, and I had no one. So I just started writing, as a means to just let it out. And it worked. 6 years later, I have started to tell my story to many more people. I am not healed, but I am certainly not where I was almost 7 years ago. I don’t pop pills, though there are some times I am tempted. I haven’t snorted a line in over 3 years, or rolled in over 4 years.
I got married in January to the most incredible man I’ve ever met in my 26 years of life, a man who loves me unconditionally, a man that I am not afraid to trust, to love back and I cannot wait to start a family with him, to truly start over and have a new beginning with this new me that I have met through all of my hard work & dedication in therapy.
Speaking out is what frees me.
I no longer ask why.
Now, I say, never again.
My new blog is at Soft Skies or you can find me on twitter here.
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52 Responses to “Heather”
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[...] join me at Violence UnSilenced, where I speak out and share my story, and the hard work it’s taken to get where I am [...]
I’m so very proud of you Heather. You’ve become such an amazing role model for me. I’m glad you got to share your story here for even more people than you were reaching before. You’re amazing and I love you.
-lil sis
this was so inspiring…
thank you, heather.
((((Heather))))) I had no idea how bad it was – even after all of these years – how bad it got. I love you, my friend and I’m so proud of you. You have come so far and look at you now. You were able to trust and love again – without having to lose yourself. You are wonderful and such an inspiration.
Love,
Tracy~
My love and admiration go out to you for taking the courage to say .. never again. You are truely an inspiration Heather!
*hugs*
~K
Thank you for sharing your story. You are so strong and I am sure that you may be an inspiration to some young girl going through a similar situation.
heather, congratulations on sharing this post. congratulations on your survivorship. congratulations for the strength and courage that is yours and yours alone.
I’m so happy for you and where you are now with C.
“speaking out is what frees me”
And helps others. Keep speaking and keep healing.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so happy that you got the help you needed and are moving forward into such a positive life.
(hugs)
<3 Thank you for sharing your story with the world. They need to hear it. Those in situations like yours need to know that things can and will change – one day.
Speaking out is hard, it’s scary, it’s intimidating and it’s oftentimes not received well; your bravery in doing so is enviable. You are a hero in many eyes, Heather.
I love you.
I love you, and everything you stand for, and feel honored and humbled every day to call you a friend. Peace be with you today.
Thank you so , so much. You are wonderful.
You speak so well on the subject Heather, your strength is a constant beacon of hope to many. You have grown so, so much in the years that I’ve known you, and I’m incredibly proud of the progress you’ve made.
Heather, you are along with Miss Alaineus, one of my heroes.
I recall when I started following your blog and have been in awe at you and your journey. I never really caught the depth of your darkness and always shivered at the heartwrenching descriptions of some of you ‘less than fond’ memories.
You have always been so very real, someone that I can reach out and touch. That is one of the many, many reasons that I have followed your journey. And that you have emerged on the other side of all of this and you admit to struggling with the process until it took, give me hope.
Thanks again for your story. I believe I am a better person for it.
I love you Heather.
Oh honey.
You are so beautiful and strong.
XOXOXOXO
Oh Heather… my heart is breaking for that little girl you were. I so wish I had known you then.
I am honored to be part of your life now, and am so incredibly proud of what you’ve accomplished in the few short years I’ve known you. You are amazing and have so much love and support to share with everyone.
I thank God you have C now and finally have the love and respect you deserve.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sarah and Tara R., Mary Morgan. Mary Morgan said: PLS Support: Heather http://bit.ly/9JKqgn [...]
You are amazing. You are a survivor. And you are thriving. I love to see that. And I love you!
It’s hard for me to know how to say what’s in my heart. As a man, I am embarrassed and ashamed that someone I share an organ with took such advantage of you. Men are (usually) bigger and stronger than women. Men who abuse that greater strength and size, don’t deserve to call themselves Men. Because, as I have said many times to my sons, “Real Men Don’t Rape.”
I am honored to know you and call you my friend. And I am glad you’ve found some healing. So very, very, glad.
I’m also glad you’re eventually moving close enough where I can watch over you.
You are an inspiration.
Honey, I’m so proud of you. And I’m proud to be your friend – after all you’ve been through, I know from experience, it can be hard to be close to people. You’ve not only been able to do that again, you’ve found some really amazing people to surround yourself with, like C.
I love you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
((((heather))))
i knew you had gone through some rough stuff but i had no idea he had gone to that extreme. now, more than ever you are my hero because you did what so many women cant do because of the details of their own sitch make their silence necessary to stay alive. you left AND you spoke up. you have helped us all by standing up.
with much love and mad props for all you do to help the rest of the voiceless,
xxalainaxx
I have many similarities and some differences with your experience. Good for you for taking control of your life and finding your voice. I understand what you mean about your body not being yours. I am working on this right now for myself, trying to connect with my body. For so long it’s just been a temporary shell. It’s not me. But I want to be whole again.
And you are so right about the power to heal that is in writing. A way to cleanse the toxins from your soul that others forced on you.
Good luck as you continue to heal.
You are beautiful. SO beautiful.
You are amazing.
I hear you. I am glad you got out. I am sorry for your scars, but I am *SO* glad you are with us now….
Me
Heather,
Your soul is beautiful….
Much peace to you…
The long slow road through recovery has many ups and downs, as you well know. Keep driving that road! Thank you for telling your story.
I’m in tears. Thank you for sharing your story. Your road has been so long and so hard, and your courage in traveling it is amazing. Stay strong.
Heather, as always I am so completely in awe of you can you can share this at all. I rise to my feet for you and I know that other people are too. <3.
Oh sweetie… I’m so proud of you for sharing this. You are someone’s hero and you might not even know it.
LOVE.
Bebe, I found myself holding my breath through half of this. Someone above mentioned you being a hero to someone. Yea, it’s something like that.
xo
I’m holding my breath, shedding a tear and feeling inspired and stronger from your courage and strength.
Thank you!
You are a beautiful, amazing and strong woman. Thank you so very much for sharing.
that takes courage even just to share the words…I know from my past experience it is not easy to stay or go, or to even voice the experiences, so you are an inspiration.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh, Heather. I’m so happy you made it out of there. I don’t know how you did, but I’m happy.
And, as always, I’m so proud of you for sharing your story.
Heather, I too was brutalized by someone who tried to kill me before suiciding. His family blamed me for what happened. I’m glad you went past it and went on with your life. Happy future to you!
[...] off, i cannot say thank you enough to all of the support i received over at Violence UnSilenced. i feel like that was one of the last steps in my healing, releasing that into the world, and [...]
I am so glad you made it out. I am so glad you found someone to love you the way you deserve. I am just so glad for the ending of your story.
thank you so much for sharing your story both here and on your blogs. I’m so glad to hear you have a new man and are looking forward to the future
Heartbreaking… my story is similar, yet different, but I can relate on so many levels. I am thrilled to see that you have found a new life for yourself… an awesome man to spend it with and a future filled with happiness. You are such a strong woman, and an inspiration! Prayers for a peaceful and happy life!
Applauding you.
xo
I’m so happy you are in a better and safe place now. The damage abuse can have on a life is TREMENDOUS!! Sometime I may want to get some insight on WHAT may help my little sister get out of this same kind of situation. Her abuser is in jail at the moment, but he will be out in Sept. I have considered this a break for me, as I’m not rescuing her constantly and paying her ER copays because of this monster she swears she’ll take no more from… then defends him and makes those that want to help her the ENEMY. I WANT to HELP her… and I mentally am not in a position to be repeatedly sucked down her black hole. Him going to jail SAVED MY LIFE… I was too DEEP in their CRAP. Hubby had to get ME OUT of their situation before I was the one in the hospital… or worse.
You give me HOPE… Thank you for sharing your story and if you have any words of wisdom for me, I would appreciate it!
(((HUGS)))
Heather, as one of your followers and friends, I applaud you for your bravery…not just in writing this account, but in living life to its fullest and by loving deeply. Your honesty is refreshing and helps those who need it. HUGS and support always, Lisa
I am inspired by your strength, bravery, endurance, determination.
Wishing you peace and strength this month.
I am so glad you are able to break free – even if you have to fight to stay that way. What a selfish waste to blame you for all his problems. I’m so sorry you went through that. Stay on a roll!
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. Your strength and courage is inspiring. I feel so proud for you when reading the end of your story, fighting addictions and declaring never again. You are incredible, wishing you peace and happiness.