Thank you for speaking out, it made the little girl in me feel less alone. Being a fellow "caretaker" I will remind you to take care of yourself because I know that too often we leave ourselves off the list, even in our now adult lives! :)
BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, Every time I am asked to share my story I wonder where to begin. I will start by saying that my childhood was somewhat unorthodox although reflective of the revolutionary free flowing culture of the sixties. My parents divorced when I was 8; I knew they were getting divorced because I knew my father was having an affair. I was the oldest child and as such became the “caretaker’ and “peacekeeper” for that time. PAXIL from canada, After my parents divorced they both went through a couple of relationships which generally began and ended abruptly. Eventually my mother came out as a lesbian, which in the early 70’s did not involve coming all the way out. Our family had secrets and I, as the oldest, felt it was my job to guard those secrets, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER.
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That’s the thing many people fail to understand about abusive relationships; there are good times and you really do love this person because even though they hurt you there’s always an excuse, a reason. They themselves have been wounded, hurt and damaged, taking PAXIL. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, And if it even does occur to you that it’s not your fault any more than it is your responsibility to fix it, you are quickly reminded that you are all he has left; you are the only one who understands. What better chance for redemption for the kid who couldn’t solve her family of origins problems. I’ll show you I’ll create my own mess and then I’ll fix it.
We ended up staying together for three years. PAXIL overnight, There were ups and down, but eventually things worsened. I suspected him of cheating, but I always used the judicial standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt.” Of course that thinking is just really another form of denial, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. Denial is a powerful link in the chains that bind an abusive relationship. Finally even my well ingrained talent for denial could no longer hold its own against the reality I was living. I was no longer his savior, order PAXIL from mexican pharmacy, but was now a huge failure that had only made things worse. Oh and by the way how could I be trusted to raise a child. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, He’d make certain that didn’t happen. The chain that bound me had changed from the desire to be the Hero to the desire to survive and keep my child. Cheap PAXIL, Once again I found myself realizing the role of Hero demanded great sacrifice and offered little in return.
Finally one night after he had come home drunk, hit me, shoved me, choked me and trashed the house (he even threw the stove across the kitchen) I called the police. While he spent the night in jail I packed what essentials I needed for myself and my three year old into two large garbage bags and started calling friends, PAXIL dose. It was the middle of the night and I had to stand on the corner in front of the liquor store with my daughter and our bags to use the pay phone because after I’d called the police he destroyed the phone.
The next day I actually filed a restraining order stayed with a friend for a few weeks, then with my brother for a few weeks until I could save enough money to rent a small one bedroom apartment for my daughter and myself, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. As often happens, the first time didn’t “take." He stopped drinking, PAXIL no rx, turned on the charm, and even got his family involved. His family paid for a marriage counselor to work with us with the goal of reunification. After this there were actually a few good years, relatively speaking, PAXIL from canadian pharmacy. I was enrolled in school working on a degree in Human Services, my daughter was in an excellent preschool and my husband was actually working here and there. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, But eventually, as all too often happens, things slowly began to slip back to the old ways. He started using again and soon after so did I. Doses PAXIL work, I fueled my days with valium and coffee (the housewife's speedball), and my evenings with weed and the occasional narcotics and, of course, alcohol. Maintaining this state of chemically enhanced wonderland was yet another link in the chain.
There is so much to tell in this story I could easily write a book, PAXIL description, but in the condensed form I will tell you that his cheating became so obvious that no amount of alcohol, pills and just plain denial could repress the knowledge. If I were to question it, Purchase PAXIL, I became the guilty party, un-supportive and crazy; He became more and more resentful, addicted, more and more involved in selling drugs and increasingly suspicious of my pursuit of an education. It was rightly so, perhaps, since I had long since decided my education was my ticket out of this nightmare, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. In those days the state would pay you AFDC (aid to families and dependent children) while you went to school and there were grants and loans available, PAXIL without prescription. Finally one spring semester in 1988 I took out an extra loan and forged his signature so he wouldn’t know (being married we were both required to sign the promissory note).
When I finally told him I was done and I wanted a divorce, what followed was a long horrendous week of basically being trapped in the house because he wouldn’t let me leave except to walk my daughter to her school bus. No prescription PAXIL online, At the end of this week, on my 29th birthday, after I’d taken my daughter to her school bus, he declared he was going to kill himself and make me watch. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, He barricaded the exits and tore the phone out of the wall. He put enough drugs into a syringe to kill an elephant, order PAXIL online c.o.d, and told me now you can have what you want, Happy Birthday. As he shot up and started to seizure, PAXIL interactions, I found myself thinking I wasn’t going to go for help until he was gone. I realized I had become a hard, cold woman. I actually considered letting another human being die. What had I become? This was not the person I remembered being once, so long ago it seemed, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER. She was hiding inside me somewhere like a small child waiting until it was safe to come out, order PAXIL online overnight delivery no prescription.
As fate would have it (and for the better I suppose) he survived, but I had made up my mind. If I had become the kind of person who would let someone else die without intervening I had completely lost my rational mind. Buy PAXIL from mexico, So that was, as they say, the “last straw.” I called the woman he had been seeing and, much to her surprise, told her that he would need a place to stay and that I was certain she’d be happy to help him out, PAXIL pictures, right. BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER, Within a day or two he was off to live with his mistress.
He came in and out of our lives at various and unpredictable intervals, usually promising a vacation or a shopping trip or some other carrot on a stick to try to maintain our daughter’s admiration. Buying PAXIL online over the counter, He rarely followed through. I think she was only about 11 when she herself told him she’d rather have no dad than one she couldn’t count on, and for many years they didn’t see each other. He’d pop in now and then, often years apart, about PAXIL. It was when my daughter had our first grandchild that he started coming around more often, BUY PAXIL OVER THE COUNTER.
I’m glad for my daughter that she got to know him, the fun side of him, and the goofy side. Buy PAXIL from canada, But not long after she got to know him, he was found dead alone in a hotel room of an overdose. His funeral was on her 21st birthday. No one knows for sure if it was intentional, or maybe “accidentally on purpose” I just hope that whatever comes next after this life works out better for him and anyone who loves him, PAXIL steet value. Oddly enough, or not, I wish him the best; and that acceptance has broken the last link in the chain nearly 30 years later.
© 2010 Jennifer L. Hazard
Jennifer writes at Nanakoosa's Place, a "personal consulting, mentoring, and advocacy website for and by real women." .
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Reading @VUnSilenced Jennifer at Nanakoosa’s Place http://bit.ly/gkumUw
Thanks for sharing your compelling story. I could feel your pain as I read this. Stories like this need to be told so others know that they are not alone. Thank you.
You do such an eloquent job of expressing the "rationale" for why we stay against our better judgement. Unless you've lived it, I think that's a difficult thing for people to understand. We want to help and to make a difference in our abuser's life and it never occurs to us that we are all the while allowing them to manipulate us. I totally understand your conflicted feelings about his self-destructive actions.
Thank you for speaking out. I am glad for you and your daughter that you survived and are healing. Best to you.
Thank you sharing your story Jennifer. I can relate to finding out your pregnant and knowing deep down inside you should get that greyhound ticket and get far far away! What you wrote about having good happy times in an abusive relationship is something I wish people understood as well.
I think you are very brave! Your daughter is lucky to have you as her mom. :)
Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciated the look into what you were thinking and feeling, it was incredibly courageous of you to write this in the way you did.
Yay for breaking the chain. Deeply touched by your story. So many similarities.. I'm glad you made it outta there in one piece, with your daughter by your side. Thanks for sharing your story, brave lady...
Thank You all so much for your support and kind comments, it means more to me that you can ever know!
Jennifer at Nanakoosa’s Place http://dlvr.it/FXLKM
PLS Support: Jennifer at Nanakoosa’s Place http://bit.ly/gkumUw
I was so tense and anxious for you throughout your story. Sad as I am for your daughter that she had to compete with her father on what should have been a special day, I applaud the healing you and she have done, and join you in wishing him well. I also wish for joy and peace for you, your daughter and your grandchild(ren).
Yes! It is so hard when you know they are damaged and hurt themselves and you want so badly to fix them... but you can't. I still have a difficult time talking about my ex negatively because I know how much he has been through. I am just now, after 20 years, understanding that I have a right to tell the truth. I don't do it to hurt him, I do it to heal myself and it's time to worry more about myself and less about everyone else (even if it's difficult for me to do). His past doesn't make it all ok and it doesn't make my pain any less than it is.
Thanks so much for sharing... you are in inspiration... a true survivor. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Wishing you a peaceful and calm life...
Thank you for sharing your story. I know the feeling of realizing that you are a cold, hard human being and totally not who you used to be. My ex never actually did anything, but he would threaten all the time to commit suicide and I would think "please, just do it, then ths would be over". Definitely not the woman I want to be, or the woman I want my son to think I am. Again, thank you for sharing your story. As always, I relate in such a deep way.
wow... this really hit home- except i didn't keep the baby, and i left after almost four years of drugs and abuse. a lot of my story is found on my own blog... and i've always considered submitting it here, at violence unsilenced.
you are so, so brave. thank you for sharing this.
This is an amazing story. And you have done a fantastic job raising your daughter into a strong enough woman to recognize her father for who he was and tell him what she needed from him. I'm glad for you that the last of the chain is broken.
That whole story hurt my heart, and I related to it on a really deep level. Maybe because I related to it so well. Thank you for sharing, Jennifer. This spot never feels like the right one to says it, but you're an amazing writer.