Jodi
The following survivor story was written by Jodi, who writes about being a wife, mother, attorney, and everything in between at Jodifur.com. You can also follow Jodi on twitter.
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My first month in college I met a boy, a man really. He was a senior to my freshman. A senior with a lot of money. And he liked me. And we started “hanging out.” He was cute. And I was awkward. And it was college. And I thought I had made it.
We went to a party and I ran into my freshman orientation leader, or as they were called at my school, “red caps.” I spent the party talking to him while the guy I had been hanging out with talked to other people. I didn’t think much of it until he walked over to me and said, “We’re leaving, now.” In a tone I can’t even describe. It was parental, like a father scolding a child. And menacing.
He walked me to my room and as soon as we walked in he hit me so hard it sent me clear across the room. And I was stunned. I had never been hit. Not by my parents, not by other guys I had dated, never before.
I looked up at him with such I look of shock and he said, “What do you think you are doing talking to that guy all night? Hitting on him. It’s embarrassing.”
“Brian? He was my red cap. He wanted to know how school was going, I….”
WHACK — right across the face and he stormed out.
And I knew, I knew I should never see him again. But it was my first month of college and he kept coming around. Showing up at my room all hours of the night. Calling all the time. I was being stalked before the word even existed.
It was my first few months of school and I did everything to make sure my roommate never knew. I was embarrassed. I somehow felt that this was my fault, that I had made this happen. Everyone thought we were this perfect normal happy couple. He didn’t hit me again for a long, long time.
Until another night and another party and I had done something else wrong. Same tone, same dragging back to my room. Except this time he threw me on the bed, and started ripping at my clothes. And to this
day, I believe he would have raped me, or worse. But I was very, very lucky, because the door was not locked and a close male friend walked in and ripped him off of me and beat the crap out of him. I would never in a million years advocate violence, but he left me alone after that.
Looking back I should have done so many things differently. Gone to the school, told my parents, told my roommate, got out! But I was young and it was my first months of college and he totally preyed on me. And I hope he has gotten what is coming to him.
I work in family violence now. And I deal with men who beat women and children everyday. And I’ve never let go of that scared young girl in the dorm room who thought she would lose her virginity via rape.
And I never judge women who stay.
55 Responses to “Jodi”
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No one can ever really say “well I would have done _______” because we just don’t know until we’re in those shoes.
I’m so glad your male friend was around at the right time.
How brave of you to write this! The “silver lining” is that your ordeal has brought help to so many women and kids and your commitment is so deep and sincere that inspires your friends as well. I always knew you were a brave and wonderful person; I never expected this though. You are amazing.
Sounds like a true case of divine intervention. While you may think of it as bad choices, it’ too easy to second-guess ourselves once we’re no longer in it.
Maybe the silver lining is that you now work to help others and can truly understand what they’re up against.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I was younger when I was hit too, and it’s so much harder than people think to know how to get out of that situation.
I think it’s amazing that you work with domestic violence survivors now. I am in my last semester of law school and I hope to get a job doing the same. I don’t know if this will prove true, but I feel like working with women who have been through the same thing (often worse) would be empowering for me. I hope it is for you, because you are doing important work, both in your career and sharing your words here.
wow, that’s very scary. And at that age we think we are too old to go to our parents, but this is the kind of things we would have to involve them in.
I’m so glad you came out of it ok!
The response to this has been amazing, thank you so much for your kind comments, here and on twitter, and on jodifur.
Lucky indeed. But also smart. Smart enough to stay away form the guy after that. Tragically, even a near escape like yours has failed to be warning enough for many victims. Especially ones as young as you were at the time.
And your story proves that abuse needn’t be long term to alter a life — or lives. Even a single incident has impact. In your case the good that has come from it is that you can empathize with your clients. They will have the kind of trust in you only shared experience can foster.
It’s easy to Monday morning quarterback. “I should have ______”. But don’t ignore what you did right.
wow how scary. Most would never think abuse could happen so early in a relationship. I glad you had help and got out of that relationship before it progressed and got worse.
I’ve often said it’s not a matter of intelligence, more one of fear…and even then sometimes the fear is a standby. It’s a question that haunts me, the why did you stay, what were you thinking questions. 6 years later I have some of the answers, however I doubt I’ll fully understand it.
All I can do is continue to tell my story. I’ve been voicing every bruise and broken bone for a few years now. I have women approach me with questions I wish I had asked, known to ask way back then. No, I’m not a counselor. I’ve found women are more likely to talk to someone who has been there and that would be my expertise – the one who survived. Thanks for sharing your story dear friend. Thank you for continuing to be an advocate that doesn’t question the why…(Hugs)Indigo
Jodi- I’m so glad you did get out, and are where you are. I also see why it would be so hard to get out at the time, and I don’t judge those who stay. But I’m glad you’re there to help them. (hugs)
Thank you for your story, and most especially, that you for not judging. I think I would have escaped much faster way back then had I found someone who didn’t judge me. It’s one of the most powerful tools to help.
Thank goodness someone beat some sense into him. Even moreso, it’s wonderful that you have become an advocate for women, having gone through this yourself. You are very strong and do tremendously important work. Many thanks for sharing so much of yourself.
Thank god for friends! I am glad you were able to get out of the situation safely!
I don’t advocate violence either, but I have to say that I was happy to read that your friend beat up your abusive boyfriend. I hope it smartened him up. Also, good for you for choosing the career that you did! The world needs more people like you in it.
Sigh. I’m sorry – but I’m glad you had a place here to say your piece.
Jodi, I hope this site and this post are around in 13 years when my twin girls are getting ready to head off to college. For everything I will have taught them… sometimes reading someone’s true story is what sticks.
You did the best you could with what you had at the time. It’s all we ever can do. And college is a new place, far away from family and everything. I hope to drill into my daughters that no matter where they are, if they feel awkward, if they think they did something….violence is not ok and it’s not their fault. It’s also nothing to be embarrassed about. If it happens, tell someone, get help, and if someone tells you, do what you can to help them.
Thanks for sharing your story. I know you’ve made a difference in the lives of others.
Thank goodness for your friend coming to your rescue!
I’ll never claim to understand “the why” of violence, but in your case, perhaps you needed to experience that in order to be able to help so many women now?
Thanks for sharing.
I am so sorry you had to live through that.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you are okay.
DV is all about fear and control. I would never judge someone who stays…it makes me so incredibly sad though.
Jodi-
I’m sad that you had to experience all this and I commend you on the work you do on a daily basis to help defenseless woman and children. The world could use a lot more people like you.
carma
Thank you for finding the strength to share and working to make a difference!
Thank you again for all of the kind comments. The non judgment has been lovely.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank God for the man who walked in and saved you.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I am quite convinced that the statistics are wrong. It has to be more than one in four…has to be.
Thank you for sharing your story.
crap, Jodi – I never knew. I am so glad you got out, that your friend was where he needed to be when he was.
My sister was abused by her first husband, and to this day I regret that I just called the cops the night he hit her at our house, instead of taking one of the hand 2X4s that we had lying around because of my dad’s kitchen renovations and smacking him upside the head, because she wouldn’t press charges. It took him trying to kill her before she got out. Thank you for doing what you do, and helping women like her.
the question is not why the abused stay but why the abusers hit. asking why women stay always strikes me as blaming the victims. i am glad your friend was there.
Wow, Jodi. Thank you for sharing such a powerful piece.
It saddens me when I realize how many of my female friends have some type of domestic violence story to share…myself included.
Ugh. Horrible. Good for you for speaking out.
I can’t imagine. I just can’t imagine it- I think I’d do something totally different, but like you, I just don’t know. Looking back, I would probably have done the same thing. Thank you for sharing this story.
Steph
Jodi – Sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for sharing your story.
Jodi, you are such a solidly good person. I am so sorry this happened to you. I feel good that people like you are looking out for other women (and children and men) in this situation.
Jodi- Thanks for sharing your horrific story and turning your experience into one of advocacy for women, children, and all victims of domestic violence. The world is a better place because of the work you do.
Wow, Jodi, it must have been hard for you to tell that, but thank you. I’ve got more than a decade until I have to worry about my little girl in that way, and I have no idea what I’ll say to her.
great brave post. thank you.
So glad your friend came in when he did. So many young girls don’t know what to do when they are in that situation, hopefully this story can help other young girls.
I’m glad that you are able to talk about your story now; that you feel safe enough now that you’ve put it behind you. I hope by sharing and through your work you are able to help so many other women who are going through the same tragic situations as you did.
Thank you for posting that tremendous story, I’m glad you got away before it could have been harder and more dangerous to your safety and your life. And its good to see how you pay-it-forward by assisting women and children in such a similar plight!
I’m so happy that friend walked into the unlocked room. So many would have been too afraid to, for so many reasons.
Thanks again everyone. Your comments and support have meant the world.
Wow Jodi, you are very brave for sharing your story. I’m so glad that your male friend walked in and that you did get out of that relationship.
Good for you for turning your horrible experience into helping others. Those women you serve must breath a sigh of relief when they speak to you – they might not know what you went through, but they can tell that you understand them.
Thank you for making a difference.
I remember being a dorky girl who would have, and did, do anything my first college boyfriend wanted. He wasn’t violent, but if he had been….
So I understand your story. And I am so glad that it ended when it did.
Thanks for your courage!!!
Your last sentence was the most powerful to me.
I have visited this site several times but never commented until now…. Your story, along with so many others are very emotional to me because I was there for years…. Congratulate yourself on getting out and staying out.
hugs, sweetie.
I shuddered for your young self, reading this. Thank God for male friends who care enough to kick some ass when it’s warranted.
Thank God you were rescued…and that the resucer had the guts to actually stop that guy. Young, older and old, we all make mistakes, misjudge
things, do things that on hind sight aren’t good for us or someone else. And experience can be turned to good like your doing, helping others to overcome.
Eaton.
Amazing story – I’m so glad your friend happened by when he did! I think the best protection we can give our children is to teach them to believe in their worth, and not allow anyone to treat them with anything less than respect.
Thank you for sharing this!
Not judging? Probably the best thing to do. You are amazing, going through that and now helping people in similar situations. Good for you – thanks for sharing.
It’s amazing that you’ve turned your story into a positive motivation to help others in similar situations. Thank you for trusting us with this piece from your past.
I think we’d all like to think we’d walk away, but you can’t know. Whether it’s your first serious love and you think you’ll never find anyone else, or the father of your children, violence against women is more complicated than it seems on the surface.
Thanks for sharing this. I hope it helps other women get help if they need it.
[...] read what our survivor, Jodi, had to say over at Mamapop about Chris Brown and [...]
Thank God for friends who step in when we need them. I have one of those too.
I hadn’t been back here in a while and just wanted to say again how much your comments and support have meant. And I’ve gotten emails that I have inspired others to tell their story and that means the world.