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Especially the hands of people I care about and trust. Why should they touch me when something like that has touched me too.

I remember just enough to make me feel sick, ordering HERBAL AMBIEN online, and wrong, and victimized, and vile. I think his hand only got all the way down my bathing suit bottom once, Generic HERBAL AMBIEN, and then it was just a struggle underwater, a constant push and pull. I remember that he tried to make me touch him, and how my arm shook with the effort it took to pull away from his grasp, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. I remember saying no, it's awkward, stop; he argued and just kept going. I remember the fear, HERBAL AMBIEN steet value, how it paralyzed me, how my legs didn't feel strong enough to get me away, how I just sat there, frozen and praying to a god I've never believed in that it would stop, HERBAL AMBIEN without prescription, oh please, just make it stop. I remember going home and feeling disgusting, only disgusting isn't a strong enough word for what I felt. I felt like my skin was slime and everything was too tight, and I sobbed as hard as I could in my bedroom, HERBAL AMBIEN description, pacing back and forth. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, That was the one and only time I cried about what happened to me.

And all of that is awful to think about, but sometimes I torture myself with all the details I don't remember. Like, Buy cheap HERBAL AMBIEN, where was my friend L. I vaguely remember her being pissed off all evening because I was swimming and sitting on D's lap in the hot tub and she was jealous and miserable. But I don't remember where exactly she was when all of it was happening, or how I got home that night. And what about K, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Did she know how badly I wanted to escape. I left the hot tub at one point shortly after it started, cheap HERBAL AMBIEN no rx, blabbering that I needed to make sure K wasn't mad at me because she liked D too, even though I didn't give a damn if K was mad at me because K was an annoying brat, but then I went back into the hot tub. Why the fuck did I get back in. Where can i order HERBAL AMBIEN without prescription, Did I think he'd be a good friend. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, Did I think he'd just give up. Did I forget all the times I went with B to get drunk at his house because although he was our friend, I didn't trust him. I don't know, I really don't. And then there was an empty water bottle, HERBAL AMBIEN interactions, but how long had it been bobbing around in the tub before I secured it between my legs to block his hand. A fucking barricade, that's what it took because he. Would, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Not. Comprar en línea HERBAL AMBIEN, comprar HERBAL AMBIEN baratos, Stop. And we moved at one point, too, from one side of the hot tub to the other, but why. Because of what, buy generic HERBAL AMBIEN. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, And if I could move that far, why the FUCK didn't I get away from him.

S. doesn't understand why I want to remember every detail about this awful event. It's complicated. I hate how helpless this memory makes me, Doses HERBAL AMBIEN work, and I don't even have the power of knowledge on my side. I lost all control, even over my own memories, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. It goes deeper than that, though. I'm afraid if I can't remember everything--what I ate for breakfast that morning, what time it was when it finally stopped, what his face looked like--then I can never completely accept what happened and move on, australia, uk, us, usa. And, deeper still, I want to remember in order to do one of two things: justify it to myself (it was a big deal, really) or get over it (it wasn't as bad as I thought). HERBAL AMBIEN duration, I want to remember because how can something that played such a huge and horrible role in my life be something I can't even remember. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, I want to remember because the NOT KNOWING is somehow worse. Like my body is trying to protect itself, like my brain isn't working right for a reason, like it actually was so terrible that I NEED to not remember, like the full memory of what happened could destroy me and I want to prove that NO, it can't, order HERBAL AMBIEN no prescription. But then again, what if I'm wrong. What if I NEED to tell myself it's stupid to feel this way after six long years, because what if it's not. Online buying HERBAL AMBIEN hcl, What if I dig deep enough and finally believe that what happened was sexual assault and it did happen to me and I did not deserve it and it was not my fault. Would that be easier to live with, being a victim, admitting my own powerlessness, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Or is it better to just feel stupid, or to push it away entirely.

The first time the reality of it really hit me (aside from right after it happened), I was a senior in high school. Nearly four years had passed since that night at the party--four years of being single, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, and dreading flirtation, and putting up walls, and being as intimidating and honest to myself as I could, and cringing inside when my friends used the phrase "hooking up." I was in my English class and we were watching the movie "Crash." There's a scene where a cop gropes a woman, Buy HERBAL AMBIEN without prescription, and my teacher paused the DVD there and said,

"We all understand that's rape, right?"

Everything inside me turned cold. Rape. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, It's such an ugly, violent, unforgiving word, and it was being applied to a woman who was only touched. Years of me belittling my experience slapped me in the face. For years, buy HERBAL AMBIEN online no prescription, I hadn't thought about it. For years, I pretended all the guys around me were totally uninteresting and immature, and although most of them were, Buy no prescription HERBAL AMBIEN online, that's not why I avoided them. I was scared of them. I had never been raped, I would never claim to have been, but I had learned and adopted a very straightforward philosophy: Tell a guy you like him, and he will try to rape you, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. He won't listen when you say no. He won't stop. He won't care about you one bit, he wants one thing and he'll take it, HERBAL AMBIEN price, coupon.

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I drove myself crazy over the details I couldn't remember. HERBAL AMBIEN dangers, I looked up the definition of "rape"--every one I found mentioned penetration. I couldn't for the life of me remember if there had been penetration. I tried playing it over and over in my mind--there was the crawling hand, it crept across my belly, I felt self-conscious, it disappeared into my bathing suit bottom, where can i buy cheapest HERBAL AMBIEN online, I worried about if I should have shaved and immediately was appalled that I could worry about that, NOW--and then everything goes dark until I grabbed his wrist. Was there penetration, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Was it rape. What the hell did that bastard do to me. Order HERBAL AMBIEN from mexican pharmacy, I found statistics. One in three women has been sexually assaulted. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, I thought, Shit, I'm one of them. I felt like I was losing my mind and STILL, I couldn't remember.

By a terrible stroke of chance, D sat next to me on the bus the next day, kjøpe HERBAL AMBIEN på nett, köpa HERBAL AMBIEN online. This was a guy who I'd known since third grade, a guy I used to be friends with, a guy I'd seen every day on the bus and at school for the past nine years. And he was also a guy who had sexually assaulted me. But seeing him every day had never bothered me because I'd never thought about it, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Online buy HERBAL AMBIEN without a prescription, That night after the party, as I wept alone in my room, I buried it. I blocked it out. I forced it to go away because it was too much. But there we were, sitting next to each other exactly as we had been in the hot tub. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, And his hand--fuck, it was the same. I sat still and listened to music and sweated and tried not to show I was dying inside. I highly doubt he remembers. To him, it was a time he'd gotten turned down six years ago by a girl he hadn't even liked. It didn't affect his life at all, and I'm angry about that.

Accepting what happened might mean I never forgive D for what he did, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. I'm okay with that. However, I do need to forgive myself. I was fourteen years old. I was just a kid, a scared kid. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, I thought "hooking up" would be what it was like on TV--not sitting in a crowded hot tub with a guy trying to finger me before he'd even kissed me. I was confused and young and frightened. However I might feel about the situation as an older and wiser almost-20-year-old, I need to put the blame where it belongs. I do not blame that fourteen-year-old kid, the girl who felt too much and tried too hard. I do not blame her for being attacked, for not knowing what to do. I feel only pain for her, what she went through, what she was PUT through, and I also feel pride because I know what she doesn't: I know where she'll be in six years, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. In a good guy's arms, in a wonderful relationship, happy and safe and in a state of mind that knows that being touched when you want to be can be incredible, and that what happened was not her fault.

I can finally see that it's not about being a victim and weak vs. shutting down and being strong. It's about being brave vs. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, being a coward. It's about the fact that being a victim also means being a survivor. If I could, that's what I would say to my fourteen-year-old self. We survived. We fucking thrived.

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Joelle blogs at Embrace Your Name..

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16 Comments | March 21, 2011 | Filed Under rape, sexual abuse, survivor story