BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, It bothers me that I remember so little. I don't remember what bathing suit I was wearing or who else was in the hot tub with us. I don't remember what day of the week it was or how long it lasted (it felt like hours) or what finally got me away from him. I don't remember the smell of chlorine or what fear that intense tastes like. The only thing I remember vividly is his hand. Not his face, not his body.., BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. just his creeping, HERBAL AMBIEN dangers, crawling, fucking disembodied hand. And his wrist, the bone sharp against my fingers like it was the only real thing in the whole world as I pushed it away again and again.... Order HERBAL AMBIEN online overnight delivery no prescription, There was hair on his wrist and the back of his hand, a premonition of manhood on a boy. The memory of that hand makes my flesh crawl. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, It makes me want to hide, alone, where no hands can touch me ever, even the hands of people I care about and trust.
Especially the hands of people I care about and trust. Why should they touch me when something like that has touched me too.
I remember just enough to make me feel sick, ordering HERBAL AMBIEN online, and wrong, and victimized, and vile. I think his hand only got all the way down my bathing suit bottom once, Generic HERBAL AMBIEN, and then it was just a struggle underwater, a constant push and pull. I remember that he tried to make me touch him, and how my arm shook with the effort it took to pull away from his grasp, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. I remember saying no, it's awkward, stop; he argued and just kept going. I remember the fear, HERBAL AMBIEN steet value, how it paralyzed me, how my legs didn't feel strong enough to get me away, how I just sat there, frozen and praying to a god I've never believed in that it would stop, HERBAL AMBIEN without prescription, oh please, just make it stop. I remember going home and feeling disgusting, only disgusting isn't a strong enough word for what I felt. I felt like my skin was slime and everything was too tight, and I sobbed as hard as I could in my bedroom, HERBAL AMBIEN description, pacing back and forth. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, That was the one and only time I cried about what happened to me.
And all of that is awful to think about, but sometimes I torture myself with all the details I don't remember. Like, Buy cheap HERBAL AMBIEN, where was my friend L. I vaguely remember her being pissed off all evening because I was swimming and sitting on D's lap in the hot tub and she was jealous and miserable. But I don't remember where exactly she was when all of it was happening, or how I got home that night. And what about K, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Did she know how badly I wanted to escape. I left the hot tub at one point shortly after it started, cheap HERBAL AMBIEN no rx, blabbering that I needed to make sure K wasn't mad at me because she liked D too, even though I didn't give a damn if K was mad at me because K was an annoying brat, but then I went back into the hot tub. Why the fuck did I get back in. Where can i order HERBAL AMBIEN without prescription, Did I think he'd be a good friend. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, Did I think he'd just give up. Did I forget all the times I went with B to get drunk at his house because although he was our friend, I didn't trust him. I don't know, I really don't. And then there was an empty water bottle, HERBAL AMBIEN interactions, but how long had it been bobbing around in the tub before I secured it between my legs to block his hand. A fucking barricade, that's what it took because he. Would, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Not. Comprar en línea HERBAL AMBIEN, comprar HERBAL AMBIEN baratos, Stop. And we moved at one point, too, from one side of the hot tub to the other, but why. Because of what, buy generic HERBAL AMBIEN. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, And if I could move that far, why the FUCK didn't I get away from him.
S. doesn't understand why I want to remember every detail about this awful event. It's complicated. I hate how helpless this memory makes me, Doses HERBAL AMBIEN work, and I don't even have the power of knowledge on my side. I lost all control, even over my own memories, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. It goes deeper than that, though. I'm afraid if I can't remember everything--what I ate for breakfast that morning, what time it was when it finally stopped, what his face looked like--then I can never completely accept what happened and move on, australia, uk, us, usa. And, deeper still, I want to remember in order to do one of two things: justify it to myself (it was a big deal, really) or get over it (it wasn't as bad as I thought). HERBAL AMBIEN duration, I want to remember because how can something that played such a huge and horrible role in my life be something I can't even remember. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, I want to remember because the NOT KNOWING is somehow worse. Like my body is trying to protect itself, like my brain isn't working right for a reason, like it actually was so terrible that I NEED to not remember, like the full memory of what happened could destroy me and I want to prove that NO, it can't, order HERBAL AMBIEN no prescription. But then again, what if I'm wrong. What if I NEED to tell myself it's stupid to feel this way after six long years, because what if it's not. Online buying HERBAL AMBIEN hcl, What if I dig deep enough and finally believe that what happened was sexual assault and it did happen to me and I did not deserve it and it was not my fault. Would that be easier to live with, being a victim, admitting my own powerlessness, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Or is it better to just feel stupid, or to push it away entirely.
The first time the reality of it really hit me (aside from right after it happened), I was a senior in high school. Nearly four years had passed since that night at the party--four years of being single, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, and dreading flirtation, and putting up walls, and being as intimidating and honest to myself as I could, and cringing inside when my friends used the phrase "hooking up." I was in my English class and we were watching the movie "Crash." There's a scene where a cop gropes a woman, Buy HERBAL AMBIEN without prescription, and my teacher paused the DVD there and said,
"We all understand that's rape, right?"
Everything inside me turned cold. Rape. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, It's such an ugly, violent, unforgiving word, and it was being applied to a woman who was only touched. Years of me belittling my experience slapped me in the face. For years, buy HERBAL AMBIEN online no prescription, I hadn't thought about it. For years, I pretended all the guys around me were totally uninteresting and immature, and although most of them were, Buy no prescription HERBAL AMBIEN online, that's not why I avoided them. I was scared of them. I had never been raped, I would never claim to have been, but I had learned and adopted a very straightforward philosophy: Tell a guy you like him, and he will try to rape you, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. He won't listen when you say no. He won't stop. He won't care about you one bit, he wants one thing and he'll take it, HERBAL AMBIEN price, coupon.
After that movie, I allowed myself to think about it and what I felt was revulsion. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, I wanted to tear my skin off, wash and scrub myself until there was nothing left. I literally felt ill. Dirty. My HERBAL AMBIEN experience, Tainted and worthless. I blamed myself; how could I not. He hadn't drugged me, he wasn't holding me down, he didn't tie me up or lock me in somewhere, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. We were outside, surrounded by people. I could have gotten up and left at any point, and instead I just sat there, online buying HERBAL AMBIEN. I sat there and LET this happen, as tough as I believed myself to be and as intolerant of bullshit as I've always been... I didn't hit him or tell him to fuck himself or simply remove myself from the situation. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, I JUST SAT THERE, feebly pushing his hand away over and over, uselessly bleating the word "no" because it's supposed to mean something, right.
I drove myself crazy over the details I couldn't remember. HERBAL AMBIEN dangers, I looked up the definition of "rape"--every one I found mentioned penetration. I couldn't for the life of me remember if there had been penetration. I tried playing it over and over in my mind--there was the crawling hand, it crept across my belly, I felt self-conscious, it disappeared into my bathing suit bottom, where can i buy cheapest HERBAL AMBIEN online, I worried about if I should have shaved and immediately was appalled that I could worry about that, NOW--and then everything goes dark until I grabbed his wrist. Was there penetration, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Was it rape. What the hell did that bastard do to me. Order HERBAL AMBIEN from mexican pharmacy, I found statistics. One in three women has been sexually assaulted. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, I thought, Shit, I'm one of them. I felt like I was losing my mind and STILL, I couldn't remember.
By a terrible stroke of chance, D sat next to me on the bus the next day, kjøpe HERBAL AMBIEN på nett, köpa HERBAL AMBIEN online. This was a guy who I'd known since third grade, a guy I used to be friends with, a guy I'd seen every day on the bus and at school for the past nine years. And he was also a guy who had sexually assaulted me. But seeing him every day had never bothered me because I'd never thought about it, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. Online buy HERBAL AMBIEN without a prescription, That night after the party, as I wept alone in my room, I buried it. I blocked it out. I forced it to go away because it was too much. But there we were, sitting next to each other exactly as we had been in the hot tub. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, And his hand--fuck, it was the same. I sat still and listened to music and sweated and tried not to show I was dying inside. I highly doubt he remembers. To him, it was a time he'd gotten turned down six years ago by a girl he hadn't even liked. It didn't affect his life at all, and I'm angry about that.
Accepting what happened might mean I never forgive D for what he did, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. I'm okay with that. However, I do need to forgive myself. I was fourteen years old. I was just a kid, a scared kid. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, I thought "hooking up" would be what it was like on TV--not sitting in a crowded hot tub with a guy trying to finger me before he'd even kissed me. I was confused and young and frightened. However I might feel about the situation as an older and wiser almost-20-year-old, I need to put the blame where it belongs. I do not blame that fourteen-year-old kid, the girl who felt too much and tried too hard. I do not blame her for being attacked, for not knowing what to do. I feel only pain for her, what she went through, what she was PUT through, and I also feel pride because I know what she doesn't: I know where she'll be in six years, BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER. In a good guy's arms, in a wonderful relationship, happy and safe and in a state of mind that knows that being touched when you want to be can be incredible, and that what happened was not her fault.
I can finally see that it's not about being a victim and weak vs. shutting down and being strong. It's about being brave vs. BUY HERBAL AMBIEN OVER THE COUNTER, being a coward. It's about the fact that being a victim also means being a survivor. If I could, that's what I would say to my fourteen-year-old self. We survived. We fucking thrived.
Joelle blogs at Embrace Your Name..
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your bravery and courage are admired, greatly. There are many elements of your story that really resonated with me. You are incredibly strong. Keep thriving.
You didn't know what to do in a new and confusing situation - and that's not a crime or a weakness. It's being human. I hope you continue to see that and truly believe it in your heart. It is your abuser who is the flawed one.
I'm so glad that you spoke out about this event and have taken the time to explore and process your feelings about it. You are on the road to healing - the Survivor's Road. Welcome - you are in good company.
This is so much my story that it made me stop breathing when I read it. I, too, ask myself why I didn't leave. I was young then, and not sure enough within myself to leave the hot tub when the unwanted advances persisted and escalated. I would do things differently now.
I remind myself though, that I said, "NO!", repeatedly, and he didn't stop. "No" means "no". It means stop. It means leave me the fuck alone for no other reason than this is my body and my space and I don't want you in it or on it, so STOP!
Take care of your precious self, and thanks so much for sharing.
It was difficult for me to read your blog, but something
I guess I needed to do. I never cried before, during,or after
my assaults. Your blog made me cry 20 some years later.
Hi Joelle. You are an amazingly strong person to have written this. I understand how hard it is recount all those years when we had pushed aside that one incident. And, I am happy for how you have turned out, so powerful and beautiful. xoxo
Joelle, he has no power over you! You rejected him! You're not a victim. You were a young girl, being taken advantage of by someone who misused his power. He should be ashamed of what he did, not you.
Look yourself in the mirror and know that you are awesome and powerful. You are not anything other than phenomenal!
Joelle: It bothers me that I remember so little. I don’t remember what bathing suit I was wearing... http://bit.ly/hPKccs (@VUnSilenced)
It doesn't always make sense, but I believe we know what we need. If you need to remember, then I applaud you working to do so. And I hope you succeed.
So glad you're finding your strength and thriving. Thank you for telling your story.
You are 100% not guilty for what happened to you when you were a young girl. Your attacker is 100% guilty for what he did to you. Forgiveness is difficult to arrive at, and frequently comes at the end of a long journey through the healing process. You have time. Congratulations on finding your voice. Thank you for sharing your story.
You keep on fucking thriving. You've nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be afraid of. The details don't matter because that shame belongs to him.
You ARE thriving, and moving on, and growing, and processing and building and speaking out. You ARE strong as well. I'm sorry your 14-year old self had to go through that. I am glad however that you decided to tell you story.
Hugs to you, I am glad that you have stopped blaming your 14 yr old self...no good can come of that...your almost-20 yr old self seems very mature to me!