Judy Ann Katherine
I liked Tim* the first time I met him, at the tender age of 15, though we wouldn’t start dating for another six years. We spent endless nights talking, going for walks, biking, going to the beach and sharing our dreams. We had the same goals, and Tim loved me for who I was. We married at the age of 26. We had our first child, the first grandchild on his side of the family, and she was well loved. I had no clue what was going to happen next.
Tim is a realtor/investor and, as the saying goes, behind every successful man is a woman. Tim had a 4-year college degree. I had work experience. I worked my way up the corporate ladder until I was my own boss and people worked for me. I helped Tim get started. I did his resume, got him his first interview, and supported his goals. He worked endless hours. He loved our daughter and me.
Problems started within the first year of our marriage. His large family showed controlling, dysfunctional tendencies in just about every aspect of our lives. The abuse started with phone calls. I was raised in a tight-knit family and we laughed a lot. Never did we meddle in each other’s personal lives. Never did I expect this. I received too many calls to count from his mother, father, sisters, aunt, and grandma. They made demands on how I should raise my child. I was chased by his youngest sister, who said she wanted to beat me up. His oldest sister attempted to tackle me while I carried my baby. I flipped her into a snow bank. I visited his mother with our child and I showed respect. She hid my keys and said you are not taking this baby anywhere. She grabbed her out of my hands! His father called me a bitch. I was 26-years-old, but not naive by any means. I knew this was the beginning of something terrible. I was right.
My husband never cleaved to me. His mother, aunt, and grandma gave him guilt trips. Tim did not know how to handle this, so I thought. In reality, he put his biological family first. I was his arm candy and lived in his shadow.
The violence started. I got thrown on the basement floor during a talk, not argument, and did not see it coming. To this day my left ear is hard to hear out of. My left eye had a shiner from the fall. I would wave at someone and he would hit me in the ribs. He grabbed my head as I drove down the street, our daughter in her car seat screaming, “Please daddy stop!” Prayer and good counsel gave me the ability to divorce when I got strong. Until I did get strong, though, the abuse got worse.
He almost ran our daughter over with his car and did not care to stop. I was granted many orders of protection. He was not to go to the girls’ schools (we had two daughters by this time) and I was in counseling, suffering from Bulimia and Anorexia. Throwing up made me feel like I was getting relief. I did not see an 88-pound woman in the mirror. I went to the hospital and was told I had a week to live. I decided to ask one of my brothers and my dad to help me get help. My self-esteem was gone and I wanted ME back. I went to a hospital as an outpatient and attended classes where I helped others. Soon I was on the road to recovery, but not fast enough.
He went to our pastor and told him I was cheating, that I was hitting him, and over spending. I left church, left friends, and started making a plan. My friend in Florida called every night to pray with me. In prayer I found peace. My daughters are very resilient. There was one person in his family that admitted the truth and that was his grandfather, who to this day carries the incredible burden of not confronting his family. Once he cried out to me, tears rolling down his face, “Why would my grandson do this when he was blessed with such a beautiful family?”
I got diagnosed with a muscular disorder. I am allergic to many medications but, finally, the doctor found one that helped me sleep. That’s when the worst nightmare began. My husband raped me under the medication. I asked him to stop. This went on many, many times, and when I would wake up I felt violated. I confronted my husband and asked him, “If someone was doing this to one of your sisters, what would you do?” He replied, “Kill them!” I kept a journal and the police gave me a phone to carry that dispatched me to a station no matter where I was. My husband made fun of it and would say, “Is that your bat phone?” He laughed and laughed. I wrote and wrote in my journal.
I was stuck because my mom was disabled, I was not working and I needed a plan. Even though I had an order of protection, he went to our daughter’s school and took her. I think he started to get scared, so he went for the ones I loved the most… our kids. He started mentally abusing them. My eldest became suicidal. My youngest got really sad. She couldn’t explain herself, and for the next four years she stuffed her feelings. It was a struggle. I did not give up. He was rich in money but I was the richest woman alive because I had my precious children. Once my youngest started opening up her healing began and to this day she hurts but does not rebel. She puts her energy to good use. I got fortunate, my girls are beautiful inside. They were not destroyed because getting help before a divorce really made a difference. I was able to help them after I helped myself.
Tim was arrested many times. He almost lost his realtor’s license. I found out the police held him weekends at a time. Court was not going to be easy. I knew no one he knew everyone.
Tim was found guilty of rape—nine counts—and they were going to sentence him. Like a fool, I dropped the charges because I was thinking of my children having a father in jail. That was the worst mistake of my life. For the next seven years, he put our children and me through hell. I finally walked out.
I headed straight to a motel where I lived with my girls and their dog for about three months. We lived in a car part of the summer and it was a hot summer. We ate a cheeseburger a day, the good ol’ dollar menu at McDonald’s.
Although, I am remarried I have had to call the police numerous times. The police say some men never stop. I believe in my case this may be. My youngest hates to go with him and this is not because I brainwashed her and told her that her father is bad. He continued his ways and the youngest sees what the eldest once endured.
Why did I take him all the way to criminal court and drop charges? I want to live, laugh, and love. One thing he did not destroy was my ability to move forward, to love another man, and this still angers him. He once told me, “No one stands up to me!” I don’t hate him, I feel sorry for him because I have seen sadness in his eyes for he realizes what he lost. Seeing his kids grow up. He had the option to watch his eldest be top drummer and his youngest sing, dance and be a child. Something my eldest had taken from her due to his selfishness.
We both are remarried now. My children to this day ask me why I am nice to him. I don’t go for any of the bullshit and I do not say it is because he is the father of you both. I tell them this is who I am. Eventually, they got old enough to see his anger in full rage. He never changed but I did. I am a survivor.
My girls are happy, resilient, kind, and cautious. I never felt sorry for myself, I kept moving along, and I knew God had a plan for my children and me. Christianity is a way you chose to live your life. It is by God’s rule not my own. Surely if it were by my rules he would not be living. In saying that, it is God’s job to judge and my job to do what is right. We all have to answer to him someday. 1 John 5:4 says, “Victory against the world is by Faith alone.” Without my faith, I would not be alive today.
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Judy Ann Katherine does not have a blog. She has changed names to protect her family.
22 Responses to “Judy Ann Katherine”
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Thank you for sharing your story. It is true, some of them never stop. My dad put my mom through hell for 15 years after their divorce and only in the recent years has he stopped. *HUGS*
You show incredible strength, both in your ability to leave and your ability to forgive.
Wow. What an incredible nightmare you lived through! Thank God you were wise enough to see what was happening and get help and protect your children. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave, and even more to forgive. It sounds like your daughters have grown up strong and resilient by your example.
You were and are so strong to have made it through that; and to still find a way to be who you NEED to be. Sometimes the only way out is to wrap yourself in God’s grace and pray for the strength to do the hard things. You are a perfect example of that.
Thank you for sharing your story and for continuing to fight for who you are and for your daughters.
Your girls are so lucky to have such a strong momma. You got YOU back, made it out of there and raised them well. Thank you for sharing your story here, brave lady.
You are a strong women and a survivor. You are very lucky that you did make it thru and look at your life now… You are so right that strength comes from faith and how you were brought up. You did not cave to the misfortune in your life..
I also believe our strength comes from our children and we do what we need to for their sake sometimes, and ours comes secondary.. Your daughters are lucky to have a mother like you!!
Thanks for sharing your story.. Stay strong in yourself and in your faith…
I hope your girls are proud of your strength and courage. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
~ Jaded16
You have shared an amazing story of resiliency, faith, and courage. Your father would be proud of you.
You are amazing. Truly amazing. I am so proud to know you. xoxo
thank you for sharing your truly inspirational story.
Thank you for sharing this story. I hope it will encourage other women to be as brave as you were.
Thank you for sharing. I am amazed by your strength and faith…and hope your bravery will help others in your situation.
Awesome story. Good for you rising above him. You should be nice to him. You would give him a way to justify his rage if you were not. Since you don’t, he has to own it.
Reading your blog reminds me of an author i know. Angelica Harris is a domestic abuse survivor who has healed many of her own life’s struggles through writing. Check out her website http://www.angelicaharris.com, maybe you could work together and help each other spread your message.
Amazing! You are a true survivor. Your children are blessed to have you for a mother, and you have set a wonderful example for them.
I took the pledge!
Wow, what an incredible story. What an awesome example of surviving.
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You did what you had to do, and that’s wonderful. You have to be sure that leaving is the only way if you don’t want to carry a lot of “what-if” guilt. Good for you.
My life and ,my children I take very seriously…if I chose to look back is the only time “One” will allow themselves to fall into that catagory. Look back with sorrow look ahead with hope but by all means live by faith.
Thank you for sharing your very powerful story.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are such an incredibly strong woman! I am so impressed by your capacity to still be nice to him, not letting anger consume you. It’s not always an easy thing to do. Your daughters are lucky to have you as a role model. Prayers for a happy, healthy, peaceful life!