I am suffering from bad flashbacks of abuse as of late. The most prevalent flashback? Having my head bashed against the floor repeatedly until I was unconscious.
I was left lying in the hallway. My mother was downstairs in the kitchen and did NOTHING to stop it. She said–how can I ever forget?!–’You guys fight it out.’ I screamed for Catherine to stop, I begged for someone to help me, but nobody did. I ended up crawling into my bedroom and falling unconscious again for almost two days. I vomited repeatedly and blood came out of one ear. I know now that I probably had a mild concussion. Nobody called an ambulance, checked on me, or helped me. I remember hearing activity going on in the house through the haze of my pain and fading awareness, as if nothing had happened. My mother did nothing to protect me.
I now know years after the fact that Catherine said she hoped I was dead. She said that to my little sister, who was worried that Catherine had killed me. My little sister was around 7 or 8. I never called the police afterwards; I feared that nobody would listen to me or that I would be hurt more in retaliation. And, this is only one incident of many.
I ended up attempting suicide soon after… and that’s a whole other story in itself. The end result was being given up to the state/made a ‘ward of the court’. I was ‘in the system’ for almost 4 years. This included an abusive foster home where I was fed one meal of ‘shit on a shingle’ a day and locked in my bedroom at night. I called my ‘guardian’ ad litem and asked her to get me out of there. I was accused of lying that I had been ‘sexually abused’ at this foster home. By whom, I don’t recall. I never said anything like that! I then ended up living with my uncle and aunt. He put plastic on my bed since he ‘knew I was a bed wetter’ (I was 16 at the time), and tried to send me off for the summer by throwing a paper bag full of camp brochures in front of me and saying ‘here- fill up your summer; we don’t want you here.’ He got rid of me by telling the judge that they were afraid I would ‘kill their dog’ and that they locked their bedroom door at night. I’ll never forget that, either. I ended up in a ‘treatment center for girls’ after that, and was kept until I was 18. Drugged, sent to ‘group therapy’, forced to pray, told that I was crazy and worthless. I then returned home at 18- I had nowhere else to go- so, I had to act like none of this ever happened. The things I have done to survive… the dignity I have sacrificed… the lies I have bought and sold.
Catherine is now a doctor- how did she swear the Hippocratic oath with a straight face? My little sister is an alcoholic and a cutter, and has relationships with creepy military-type guys. She has a degree in social work, which she may or may not ever use. But, hey- at least she has one. It’s more than I have. My mother is retired and has remarried some asshole who I hope to never meet. How nice that they have successful vocations; successful and fruitful lives, and I can barely live day-to-day life. They ruined me; ruined my life- and they don’t care or have to suffer any consequences for it. They get to exist as humans, and I am forever broken. Erased. How do I end this pain without ending myself? I burn with a desire for revenge- for retribution that will never come.
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I wish I could take your pain away. I cannot even begin to express how sorry I am for all that you've had to endure. Alternately.... I cannot express how glad I am that you are here, on this site, on the internet, on this little green planet, to tell your story. You have survived and even though you may not feel like it, you are winning. Sincerely. You are better than those who would cast you aside and you will *always* be better. You will work through this pain and you'll heal. It will take time and some days it will seem hopeless but.... you can heal. And one day you will ride atop a rampaging monster called Karma. Until then, keep healing. Keep rising.
Holy moly....that flat out sucks. I am saddened for the little girl you were then.
It may look like they are successful on the outside. But karma's a bitch and she will met out revenge for you. Trust me.
I agree completely the comment re: PTSD. Please please go talk to someone who deals with trauma. Also? You are not broken. You live. You told. You WIN!
Your best revenge is a life well lived. You are brave and strong. You are not ruined. You have value.
Julia, I am sorry for everything that has happened to you. I hope you can find some help and hope to lead you towards a better future. Wishing peace for you.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you and I think you're brave and amazing for writing about it and posting it here. I get how unfair and wrong it is that their lives go on as 'normal' but their normal isn't anything you'd want. They're like pigs, wallowing in their own muck. You are clearly so strong and incredible for making it out and not becoming like them. You're right, no retribution will ever make up for what happened but that anger is a powerful motivator and one that will help you heal and take your life and self back. I know therapy isn't everybody's cup of tea but I found it really helpful in getting me where I wanted to be. There are people now who care about you and will help.
Julia, I HEAR you - I'm listening. You get to exist too. In fact, you not only get to survive, you can thrive - one step at a time. And wouldn't that be the best? - to show them that you have what they will never have, peace, love, a soul.
Oh Julia! So much harm and hatefulness has been done to you, and for that I am truly sorry. None should have these things happen to them. Thank you very much for sharing your story - just by getting the words out, you're making progress. I wish I had words to help you, but I don't have the answers. You ARE a survivor - you've made it this far, and I have faith that you will continue to make it.