Julie
You caught my eye. Attractive, charming and mysterious. I thought you were everything I had always hoped for–man, was I wrong.
You moved in fast, stole my heart and became my everything.
You would slow dance with me in the middle of dinner, write me poetry, do sweet little nothings and be the Prince Charming every girl dreams of.
You started to kill my spirit slowly.
You forced me to quit all things I loved.
You told me I was an attention whore, that no one thought I was funny, no one liked me and that you were the best I could ever get–man, were you wrong.
You cut up my clothes, ripped apart my college school books and threw out all pictures of my past you deemed inappropriate–which were all of them.
You would follow me to school, spy on me at work and call me every hour to make sure you always knew exactly what I was doing. You owned me.
You started to kill my spirit fast.
You reached over and grabbed the wheel of my car while I was driving and made me crash my car while you were in a violent rage. You told my parents I totaled it because I had been drinking. They believed you.
You made me believe you were still my Prince Charming.
You hit me for the first time and all the color in my beautiful life instantly became black.
You weren’t around when people would stare at the marks on my face and body.
You never had to make up pathetic lies and reasons for why your cheek was bruised or your lip was busted.
You forced me to lose all my friends. Turns out most of them weren’t real friends anyway.
You asked me to marry you–well, more like forced the ring on my finger. You told me if I said no in front of your family you would kill me. I believed you.
You dragged me down three flights of stairs by the back of my hair on New Year’s Eve. I remember at that exact moment thinking my only option of leaving was to kill myself in the morning.
You shoved me into a closet on my 21st birthday and slapped me over and over until I started vomiting. You hugged me for hours the next morning when you saw my face. You said you were sorry and were going to get help. I believed you.
You’d buy me flowers and jewelry. You would have bought me the world if they had that as an “I’m sorry” gift.
You thought I could help you and so did I. You always said my desire to help people make their lives better was something you really loved about me.
You cracked my jaw when my parents were coming to pick us up for a family reunion. You told them I ran into a door. Wow. They actually believed you.
You knocked my head into your truck window repeatedly over and over when you thought I gave a guy a flirtatious look. I had to wear a hat for 10 days straight to hide the marks on the side of my face. I couldn’t see straight for two days.
You would have thought my best colors were black and blue because I wore them so well. You were killing my spirit at a deadly rate.
You wrapped a cell phone charger cord around my neck in the icy, frigid woods and screamed that I would never, ever embarrass you like that again.
You dug your fingernails into my forearms and bit my neck over and over–tearing out the flesh as you yelled even harder.
You made me go numb.
You thought you had finally killed your pathetic, worthless, weak excuse of a girlfriend.
You were wrong.
You didn’t know I pretended to stop breathing so you’d stop.
You didn’t know it was at that exact moment I breathed in a tiny amount of strength into my broken soul.
You dragged my lifeless body to the car and went to a McDonald’s drive thru. Apparently beating the living life out of me made you really hungry.
You carried me to bed. You thought it was just another typical night of ours. You would wake up and say sorry.
You were wrong.
You and I no longer belonged in the same sentence.
I ran. I ran so fast without looking back. Barefoot in the snow and bruised beyond measure, I ran like hell.
I moved in with my parents. I was so ashamed. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t know what to do.
I wanted to meet people who had been through this. I wanted to talk to someone who could help.
I begged my parents to help me talk about this situation, to help me get it out of my head. They didn’t believe me.
I was dead inside. I was black. I was nothing.
I could hear the rocks you’d throw at my upstairs bedroom at their house and I found all the notes you were leaving on my car every day. Sorry wouldn’t cut it. Sorry couldn’t bring back my soul.
I had to fight against every bone in my body not to go back to you. I thought it would be easier to be with you, than to be alone with my thoughts. I had forgotten what real life felt like.
I slowly started to re-build myself. I made new friends, moved onto campus and finally had a life that was starting to taste sweet again.
I took a leap of faith and drove a million miles away to start a new life. I life I controlled. I life I would create.
I have come so far and am so grateful for all that I have in my life.
I have an incredible man. A man who supports me, loves how silly I am and loves to watch me dance.
I have incredible friends. Friends that are like blood. Friends that would do anything to bring me happiness.
I have a light in my soul and a fire in my heart again. I love others and others love me.
I volunteer at a rescue shelter for victims of domestic violence. I see myself in their eyes and in their fear. I am so proud to know them.
I have to forgive you. I have to set you free. I cannot hate you–you don’t deserve a place in my thoughts.
I am confident, proud of my strength to have left you, and thriving.
I am loyal, loving and true. I am nothing you thought I was.
I am speaking out for everyone who doesn’t think they can.
I was going to make up a fake name for this post. I am proud of myself though. I want to remain true to my past and my story.
I am un-silenced. I am a survivor.
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Comments
You are amazing, I can't say it loud enough. Keep on being strong and believing in YOU! He completely lost out on an amazingly beautiful person. To do what you did, get through, and find real love, that's survival. And don't worry if some of it sometimes resurfaces. It does. But you can handle it. You can do ANYthing!! Keep on! And thank you for coming forward and sharing. It helps to heal a past for me that will always hurt.
Good for you for finding your spark again.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, but most of all I am sorry that they didn't believe you. I'm so glad you found the strength to believe in yourself.
Wow, what an amazing, inspiring, thrilling, moving, beautiful post. You're a rock star. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this!!!
Beautiful, beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing, thank you so much for helping others.
you are so brave and so strong for having the courage to stand up for yourself. i'm so happy you did!
REMARKABLE. absolutely remarkable. i wish you continued strength in your healing.
I'm so happy you got out with your life. You are one strong lady..
AMEN, JULIE! You are an incredible person, and I cannot thank you enough for telling your story and giving your time to others who have the same strength inside of them, but have yet to realize it yet.
Keep on keeping on, and much peace to you.
You are so strong! and brave! I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did but you will help others by speaking out. thank you for sharing your very important story...
I salute your courage. This sounds like my second marriage after surviving 25 years of violence in my first. Thank you for not being silent.
It's scary how you can read anothers story and see yourself. You are amazing, and strong. It sometimes takes me seeing someone else survive, and florish to realize that I am strong too. I guess I bury, and try to "forget" all I went through. Thank you. I need to be reminded from time to time that I AM strong. That staying all those horrible years are not what defines me.
Wow. This is really powerful. Thank you for sharing it.
And I am so glad you got out, and moved onward and upward. I can 'hear' your pride in yourself in this piece and damn, do you deserve it.
Your story gave me chills and was all too familiar. Thank you for sharing your strength with others.
Wow, I have tears streaming down my face because I was that girl too. Thank you for sharing.
There are so many parallels between this and my own story. Thank you so much for posting it.
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Thank you for sharing.
Beyond all of it, this is the sentence that grabbed me: "I have to forgive you. I have to set you free. I cannot hate you–you don’t deserve a place in my thoughts." Thank you for reminding me that letting go and forgiveness has to be a part of my healing.
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