Just a Girl
“But moooom, why can’t I go?!”
“Because I said so. I have my reasons, and I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
“Oh what, mom, were you molested or something?”
“No, I was raped.”
What started as a typical argument with my mother about not being allowed to go somewhere I thought I should be able to go (after all I was thirteen years old, and that’s practically grown-up), ended with a story she wasn’t planning to tell. I don’t remember where I wanted to go or why the conversation took that direction, but it did, and I learned exactly why my mom was so protective.
When she was sixteen, my mom went to an event at her high school. It doesn’t matter what, it only matters that she was walking home alone through a field near the school. That was normal for her. What wasn’t normal was the man in the field with a gun. I don’t know every detail, partly because she didn’t tell me and partly because I didn’t ask. He forced her to the ground and threatened to kill her if she screamed. When it was over, he got up and left like it was nothing, like he hadn’t just taken her virginity and something more.
She made it to a payphone and called some friends of her sister because they had their own apartment so she didn’t have to go home. The next day she went to the police, but they didn’t take her too seriously – she told me she couldn’t describe the man’s face but she could describe every single detail of that gun. They told her without a description there wasn’t much they could do, and she was dismissed. The local paper ran a small article that didn’t mention her name, only referred to her as the “alleged victim.” They probably had to but she said the day she read that “alleged” was one of the worst days of her life.
Hearing my mom’s story absolutely shut me up. Not just that night, but for almost a decade. I didn’t tell my sister, I didn’t tell my friends, I didn’t tell ANYONE. The only time I recall talking about it again was when she told my little sister several years later. It’s not that I forgot about it; on the contrary, I thought about it almost every day.
Almost.
One night, I guess I forgot those lessons. I was seventeen and believed I was safe among friends, with just a touch of that teenage invincibility we all thought we had, so I drank too much at a party. Way, way too much. I talked to a boy I didn’t know, and I let him convince me we should go into one of the bedrooms. I remember laying on the bed because sitting up was just too hard, and I remember him kissing me. I remember feeling vaguely afraid but the fear didn’t last long because blackness followed. Every time I regained consciousness, I wanted to move, I wanted to leave, and I knew that it wasn’t right and why was he looking at me and laughing, quietly, to himself? But I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t stay awake long enough to yell or tell him to stop.
I could have followed in my mother’s footsteps that night. Fortunately my guardian angel, also known as my little sister, was watching out for me. She realized she hadn’t seen me for awhile and went looking. As much as she drives me nuts sometimes, I was so grateful that night that she’s fearless and rude and didn’t see any problem opening bedroom doors to find me. When she saw me on the bed with my pants half off and that boy standing over me, she grabbed my shoe (also fortunate that those were the days of big chunky heels) and hit him in the head. Hard. And then again. Then she dragged me off the bed, fixed my clothes, and pulled me out into the hallway. She told him if he tried to touch me again, she would kill him and immediately found us a ride home.
Thank god for overprotective mothers and sisters. I never put myself in that situation again. It would be disrespectful to both of them if I did. And even though I know that I chose to drink too much, and I agreed to go in the bedroom, that what happened after is NOT my fault. And I will NOT stop telling people about it because if one girl reads that and avoids my mother’s fate, then that’s more than I could save if I kept my mouth shut.
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Just a Girl blogs at Dramatic Sigh.
45 Responses to “Just a Girl”
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You and your mom and your sister are all amazing! Thank you for sharing here.
thank you for sharing. i can only imagine how proud your mother is, not only of you embracing your survivorship but hers as well.
i wish i had a sister of sorts who came after me the night i was raped.
sending you both enormous hugs and gratitude.
I am so sorry for what your mother went through, and so relieved that your sister protected you. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
thank God for your sister! as well as your mom. I’m glad your mom had the guts, nerve to speak to you about this, a lot of moms would have been ashamed or thought their daughters couldnt handle it. now someone, one day will thank you! because you spoke out, someone will be more cautious!
Thank you for sharing your mother’s story, and your own.
I had that experience in college, only nobody came to get me. It came to fruition, and I think about it whenever I think about my daughter dating some day. Perhaps I should tell her my story … it seems your mother telling you helped.
I just dont think there is anything more frightening for a kid than to learn someone hurt their mother.
And I love your sister.
And I’m glad you’re sharing your story.
Thank God for your sister. I am so glad she was there for you. My heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you so very much for speaking out.
Tears in my eyes for the grace of God or luck for you and not for others, and for myself–I put myself in that situation more than once.
And for your Mom for having the strength to share with her daughter, what she probably would’ve rather banished from her mind and past forever.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I’m glad that your sister was there to help you that day, what a blessing. God bless your mom for what she endured.
Your sister is one brave and tough cookie, as are you and your Mother. Everyone who shares their story is helping someone. Thank you for telling us yours.
thank you for telling your story. thank you for reminding me why I should tell my daughter (and son) what happened to me, why my story, so similar to yours, could help them someday avoid the same fate. thank you.
[...] So here it is. [...]
It’s common to joke about it until it affects you or someone you know too. I remember that a friend of mine would say “Man, I want to rape that car.” Granted we never jokes about raping a person, and his joke was continued; “I want to forcefully enter it without asking” Or another friend that would say he was raping his socks in the morning. Yes, I had weird friends and still do. JAG is one of them.
Once I found out that someone very special to me had been raped, I could think of nothing more than finding that person, or any person that could do a thing like that, and exacting brutal justice upon them. Once it hits home, it never leaves and it’s always on your mind.
Excellent post.
Thank goodness for your sister and chunky heels.
I’m glad you learned from that experience and I know that you posting this will certainly help open girls’ eyes.
A most excellent story!
Good for your sister.
Great for you!
I am truly sorry for what happened to your mother, but kudos to her for doing everything she could to protect you.
I will think of this story, every time my daughter asks me, “But why can’t I…. Mom?” I’m so glad you shared this with us. Together, we moms, sisters, daughters and friends are More.
Thank you.
Your mother sounds like a strong, amazing women. And your sister, she’s obviously a rockstar. Thank you for sharing your story.
Both your sister and you are heroes. Her for saving you, and you for telling your story. Blessings on you.
You have wonderful insight via your expierence and that of your mother’s. Thank you for speaking out!
God Bless your mother for telling you! I’m so very glad she had the courage to tell you that there are real dangers out there. And thank God for your sister. This is a great story.
I wish my mother would have told me her story before I had to tell her mine. I know it would have saved me a lot of therapy and years of blaming myself.
Thank you for sharing this, JAG.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you so much for reminding me that I have lessons to teach my daugher (and sons), and that keeping quite prevents me from teaching those lessons. Glad you have your sister and your mother… you are all amazing women!
brava!
I am so thankful to have read this. What an amazing story of the bonds of women – how powerful words can be, and how we do look out for each other. A reminder to do so.
Thank you!
What an amazing story. I wonder often how and when I’ll tell my daughters about my own rape. This was a great model of how to do it, and why it needs to be done.
Also: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you know, but I never get tired of hearing it. You really did nothing wrong, and what happened to you wasn’t right.
Thanks for sharing this. The women in your family rock!!!!
Wow. You’ve got a great mom and sister….thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your sister is indeed an angel. What a group of courageous women you all are.
I’m glad your story didn’t end up where it so well could have – you, your sister and your mother should all be proud of yourselves for being unafraid to tell your stories.
Wow. Kudos to your sister for kicking some ass! I appreciate this post because it is soooooo hard to get teenagers to believe in their own fallibility & vulnerability (I was the same way). Thanks for the reminder.
Thanks for sharing your and your mom’s stories, i’m so glad to hear your sister was there for you .
Big hugs to you. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for helping others by sharing. You are brave and strong and no, it was definitely not your fault that it happened at all. Thank you for standing up and saying so.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You, your mother and your sister are such brave women. And no, it was not your fault. I had a similar experience in high school and I am still grateful to the friends who stopped it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so happy your mother and sister are looking out for you, family is what keeps us safe in hard times.
amazing when our guardian angels step in to change fate. thanks for sharing. your mom is obviously an incredibly strong woman.
i am glad you ended up being safe. thank you for telling your story so that others might be safe and protected. I am glad your sister is strong and protective.
OMG. What a story. Thank goodness for your sister, and that your mom told her story.
Not Your Fault.
Thank you for sharing.
Your mother and sister are brave, yes, but so are you. I appreciate you sharing with us how your mom told you her story. As a mother to two boys, I often wonder if or how I’ll tell them I was raped. I can’t imagine how, yet I can’t imagine not letting them know how much they must respect the word no.
Good for you, and good for your sister. Don’t ever stop telling this story!
Thank you for sharing it here.
You 3 ladies are amazing, brave, and so strong!
Your mom’s story is all too familiar. I am glad that your mom felt comfortable enough to share with you what had happened to you in an effort to protect you. Us moms tend to set aside our pain and use our life experiences as examples in teaching our children valuable lessons that we hope/no we pray that they will listen and learn. It is so good that you listened to your mom’s story, and even better that you had a guardian angel watching over you that night!
~hugs
M.
Thank you for sharing your story! It is an amazing thing you have done xo