Karl Erikson
Hi, my name is Karl, and I wear asinine sexist t-shirts to BlogHer.
The above photo is me at three years of age, writing even then. I start all my goofy “Little Writer Film” videos with this very photo. It’s probably one of the last photos where my innocence is still intact.
See, it’s not something I talk about – particularly on my blog – but I am a Survivor. I won’t be linking to my blog for obvious reasons, though I don’t mind you knowing who I am. You can search my blog archives for an April, 2008 post entitled “Much Bigger Picture” for one of my only public admissions about Survivorhood.
I wasn’t physically abused, but I’ve often wished I HAD been. In my mind having physical reminders of my abuse would be far less confusing. Scars, burn-marks, something to prove to me that this shit happened. As opposed to me repressing everything for decades, I mean. Or sitting before countless therapists, trying to convince myself that I am not imagining things.
From around the age of 4 until I was 15, I was the victim (how I hate that word) of sexual abuse. Not from strangers, mind you, but from the very people that should have been most concerned with my welfare. Four of them…parents and stepparents. Yeah.
I distinctly recall baths with my father where he “tickled” my penis, and then peed white. A 4-year-old should have no fucking clue what the hell an orgasm is, but this 4-year-old wasn’t given an option. That’s actually one of my earliest memories. I have huge chunks of my life missing, of course, acres and acres of memories are black holes. That’s probably a good thing, because the shit I do remember is bad enough.
Throughout my childhood (and yeah, adulthood), I acted out in very strange and inappropriate ways. I know now that this is typical of a sexualized child. Sure, many children kiss other children at 5 years old. Many children also compare genitalia, particularly girls and boys, who are just dying to see what the OTHER “bits” look like. But NOT every child is experimenting sexually with other kids. Again, I know this NOW.
Just like I now know that my childhood was far from “normal,” whatever the fuck that word means. At the time, it was all I knew, and so it SEEMED normal. Seeing countless mouths hang open in group therapy while I recounted bits and pieces of my childhood helped me to realize it was anything but.
I recall quite well how, in 1994, flashbacks and memories came flooding back to my brain. I have always been a reader, from the time I was photographed writing on that slide, and so I believe that most everything I need to know can be found within the pages of a book.
Exploring Barnes & Noble’s self-help section was a huge punch in the gut that night in 1994. Because it was then that I discovered I probably WAS imagining everything in my childhood. Tons of books about WOMEN being abused, but not one. book. about. men. There are a few out there now, of course, but back then? When I most needed to see those titles on the bookshelves? Even just ONE book? No.
It’s precisely this reason – that men are often the silent Survivors – that I write this post. All Survivors live by the Code of Silence. It was never spoken to me directly by my abusers, the Code, but I somehow instinctively knew about it. To this day, I have NEVER discussed it with any of them. I doubt I ever will. Shit, it’s confusing how they’re all old and harmless now…it’d be very simple to (again) pretend none of that crap ever happened. But I can’t. Pandora’s Box, etc. etc.
And it’s thanks to a new dear friend of mine (that I met at BlogHer) that I am inspired to dust off my half-finished autobiography. The one I haven’t touched in nearly a decade. The one that is still waiting for Chapter 13 to be finished, where I go into detail about some of my teenage abuse. I’m all about the funny, and there’s no cracking jokes about that shit. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Something inside me – the need to get my story out – has been rekindled. This Silent Survivor stuff is bullshit. I understand the need for it, for the secrecy…it’s all about self-preservation. Surviving. But surviving just isn’t enough, mere existence isn’t LIVING.
It’s time.
And I’m very thankful for a few people pointing this site out to me. Because clearly, it’s “time” for a lot of you. That’s a good thing.
***
Karl asks that you keep all comments here, rather than on his own blog. Please do not leave comments on Facebook, either.
69 Responses to “Karl Erikson”
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(HUGS) love. Write your book…please.
Karl.
I love you. I understand all too well. I am here for you any and every day.
XOXOX
Anissa
Babe, I love you.
I love each and every single little bitty piece of you – even the ones that you think are broken…..you are strong and amazing.
I’m proud of you for taking these steps.
I wish we all were strong enough to do that.
I can’t wait to give you the biggest squeeziest hug.
xoxo
You are the bravest man I know. I am honored and humbled in having your very life entwined with mine. I am a better human because I texted you that morning (best chance I ever took). I am blessed from spending a sacred and holy 90 minutes beside a river talking frankly, without reserve, without limits. And, this is sacred and holy because that talking was actually praying, out loud.
And, we walked away from each other bonded for life, forever.
And, you are my true brother, I am your true sister.
And, that is my great fortune. I walk each step in gratitude.
Thank you and love you,
Grace Davis
I’m so sorry. I have a 4 year old and the thought of you being that age and going through that makes me want to vomit. Thank you for sharing your story…and please, finish that book. There are men out there who deserve your wisdom.
Karl, I’m so sorry you had to live through this. You deserved so, so much better. Write your book. Write it all. I am sure other people would benefit.
I am so proud of you, friend. I’m here, every step of the way if you ever need me. xoxo
Many don’t realize abuse happens to men as well as women. Sadly, some know it can happen to one and all.
Can’t wait to hear when you finish your book.
extremely brave post.
Karl = Courage
I love you and support you.
Thank you for sharing, Karl. You are not alone, and your story, the telling of it, may be the ray of light for another survivor. Your story may well be that one needed, previously missing title on the store bookshelf. I wish you peace as you work hard at LIVING.
This is an excellent start. Write that book. Get it out. Hold those responsible accountable for what they did. They earned it.
xoxoxo
Your history resonates on so many levels with mine. Know that you are part of a strong community who understands.
Karl, thank you for sharing this. And thank you, for coming out about your abuse, as a man. Abuse happens to men too, and so often the world either forgets that or keeps quiet.
You’re absolutely right: it *is* time. Again, thank you.
Both myself AND MY HUSBAND understand. I hope you write your book.
Damn, I was not prepared for the overwhelming support. Already you guys are killing me. Fucking eye allergies are out of control.
Thanks.
it was an honor to sit there with you as we listened to Grace’s words and knew what we each knew of our own lives and somehow many, many of us connected through what was spoken that night. write, write and then write some more if it will heal even only your wounded parts. I have a feeling many, many more will be helped in the process.
You are strong and brave. Sending you ((hugs)) and the vibe to write your story. It WILL help others, but more importantly, it will help you.
I don’t know you but this mom of a 4 year old wishes she could reach back in time, pull your 3 year old self onto my lap, and keep you safe until you’re grown. You brought tears to my eyes with your brave, brave post, Karl.
xoxo..
HUGE hugs..
I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been forced to suffer at the hands of those who were supposed to protect you from pain like this.
It sounds like it’s definitely time for this stuff to come out. It sounds ike you’re getting closer to being able to pick up a pen (laptop?) and start/finish writing Chapter 13. Regardless of how/whether that happens, know that your friends are here for you, every step of the way.
Hugs to that sweet little 3-year-old writing on a slide. Even bigger hugs to the brave man he became.
We forget sometimes that it happens to guys, too. THANK YOU for reminding us of that and for giving male survivors a hearty voice. What happened to you was wrong on so many levels. While there are some I could NEVER relate to (not even if I wanted to) I do understand that kick-in-the-gut reaction when you come face to face with something you’ve long pushed beneath the surface.
Keep writing that novel. I know it has to have a happy ending.
When I see you, I see the wonderful man that you have become. I see it in your tweets, your posts, and your responses to others.
I hope that you are able to finish Chapter 13, and the rest of your book. It may just be the thing you need to do.
I wish I could give you a big hug.
Thank you for being willing and brave enough to put this out there.
It’s overwhelming, isn’t it? I see that picture of you at 3 years old and am just heartbroken over how horribly your life will change one year after that photo. I felt much the same way when I finally looked back at photos of myself at 6 years old. Not one ounce of sexiness there. Hard to understand how anyone could think sexual thoughts when looking at a child.
The part you wrote about the “code of silence” struck me deeply. How is it that we all knew ~ without being told ~ that silence was necessary? Makes me wonder.
Thank you for sharing your story here with us. And yes, please, finish that book. I know without a doubt there are many, many male survivors out there that need you to be the first to speak their story. I think you’ll find more support out there than you’ll know what to do with.
Many blessings to you.
It is time Karl, you seem as though you’re truly ready. Write it my brother, the others need to hear you and maybe your words can help them as well as yourself, to finally fully heal and overcome.
Speaking of male survivors, my own father was a survivor of domestic violence, eighteen years strong, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think about the men as well as the women whenever I read or hear another survivor’s tale.
Keep fighting the good fight Karl, if you write it, they will read.
Bless you for your strength and courage. I’ll look for your book when it comes out. You’re right – it’s time, and it needs to be said.
“Normal”, when you don’t know any better, is “what you know”. It’s “the way things are” and if it’s all you know, you don’t realize that none of the other kids (or adults) live this way. You have no basis for comparison, only the world you know. And when you go home at night, shut out from the world of the “other” kids, you don’t know that your world is different form theirs. You can’t be expected to know, and you certainly can’t be held accountable for it. Not by anyone, least of all yourself.
As so many others have already said, write that book. And when another Karl visits Barnes & Noble he will know that no, he didn’t imagine all this shit, he didn’t make it up, it really did happen. Most important of all, he’ll know that he’s not alone. He’s not a freak, not abnormal, and not to blame. He’ll understand what you know now, but didn’t know in 1994.
But if the next Karl never picks up that book, hell even if you never finish it, I truly hope that what you’ve done here today has helped exorcise the demons that never should have been yours to contend with. Congratulations on taking back your life, and thank you for breaking the silence. Your courage will serve you well. And that one who’s sitting behind a screen right now reading his own life in your words, one day he will thank you too. Because that same courage will serve him, and help him in finding his own. Because you’ve taken this step, there’s someone who doesn’t have to do it the “hard way” like you did.
Nicole’s right. For all the shit that comes before it, the story has a happy ending. It can’t end any other way.
You are real. And strong. Thanks for writing this. I am sure it will help many who cannot speak. Yet.
I am so glad that you were able to get some of this out on the blank canvas…even the bit you’ve written here. There is no shame in what happened to you, Karl but I know all too well the tendency to feel it. As you know, I was physically abused but not sexually. I have no idea what comes with that but I hope that in this process you find something that leads you down the road to peace and a little bit of closure.
I’m proud of you. I feel for you. Keep being honest and you’ll find that elusive thing called happiness.
You are amazing.
I’m here. Always.
I love u.
Write your book. And I absolutely expect a personally signed copy.
I’m here. Yes, for real.
One of the most insidious things about some kinds of abuse is the uncertainty that accompanies it. Sensing deep-down, but not realizing it, that something is not “normal” yet not knowing what “normal” is;feeling the shame, the pain, the disgust but not having anything to pin those feelings to; until later we finally learn or realize the shit that was done to us was oh-so-fucking wrong. Then having to come terms with it.
My story is so different than yours, but so similar. I’ve only told part of it here so far because I, too, am living in that silence somewhat.
Thank you for breaking your silence and telling your story. It validates the story I’ve already told and encourages me to break the silence on the as-yet-untold story.
It takes unbelievable strength to do what you did today. I admire you. I admire everyone who has told their story. I hurt for you, too…and wonder if today has you feeling raw, vulnerable yet somehow stronger than ever….as I felt the day I posted.
I’m also wondering how I can reach out to you today.
You did the right thing. For the right reasons. And this survivor has found strength from your story.
Raw guts. Thank you.
I don’t know what to say.
It makes me very angry this happened to you.
And I think you’re awesome.
*big, heavy sigh*
I know in my head it’s not true, but I spend a lot of days assuming most people have gone through abuse in some form.
You are not alone.
I have debated writing my experience down but my family reads my blog and I feel like I somehow owe it to them to tell them first… But the shame gets in the way, and the feeling of “c’mon, it really wasn’t that bad in comparison to everyone else, get over it”.
I never seem to get over it, though.
This may be pertinent to someone in my life. Thank you for posting.
I am so sorry that happened, and as the mother of a son I am outraged and apalled on more levels than I can voice that you lived through that.
But I am glad that you are no longer silent about it.
Well done.
Thank you so much. Please write your book.
Again, thanks to all of you. It’s very difficult for me to read these comments, to soak it all in. I suspected such would be the case.
And the damn comment form put an extra http:// in front of my URL. Oops.
And I’m too OCD to let that slide.
Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
*hugs* thank you for breaking the silence Karl. You’re an amazingly strong man.
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve faced at the hands of the ones we should trust more than anyone.
You’re in my thoughts.
XO
Major hugs, Karl. Major…
Write it, Karl. You’re definitely not alone.
Speak above the silence.
I am so proud of you, Karl. So proud.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserved so, so much better from the adults in your life.
Thank you for telling your truth. It seems like a story that would be good for you to write in detail, and I think it would help many people to hear it.
Take care. Hugs.
Karl,
I wish I could go back in time and kick some ass. Things like this make me so angry. I can’t understand how these people’s minds work.
I admire your courage. It takes a lot to break the silence. Stay strong. Keep writing; it could make a difference in someone’s life.
Hugs to you.
Jami
How could I possibly love you more? But I do. I admire your courage (and hate the word ‘victim’ as well, but in your case it applies!) and I think finishing the book will maybe do as much good as all the years of therapy combined.
You’re the best, baby.
xoxoxo
Please write your book. Undoubtedly you are a survivor, and your story needs to be out there. Just as you needed a story… there is someone waiting for yours.
Karl,
I don’t know you very well, but while reading this, my mind kept flashing between protection – wanting to take that little boy and save him and furious anger – wanting to hurt the people that hurt you and that hurt children. I worked with delinquent and foster children for ten years, and you always think you’ve heard it all but you never get calloused – at least I don’t. Stories like this make me sometimes think I should go back.
This is very brave of you and I cannot imagine how hard it is for you. My heart breaks for you and for all of the children/adults who have to live with this. As a therapist, I can tell you, more books are needed on this – I was always looking for more resources for the boys I worked with. I wonder if you’d be surprised to hear that I was dealing more with boys in this situation than girls.
Good luck Karl,
Lisa
Karl:
I broke The Code of Silence. I broke the Code of Silence publicly on my blog. Last week. I feel wonderful. The Code of Silence does not just protect the abusers from getting caught. Whether spoken or not, the Code of Silence prevents recovery for the victim. I’m not certain that full recovery can happen if the Code of Silence isn’t broken, but the answer to that question is waiting to be found because my recovery is still in progress. I can say that I moved one giant step forward when I blogged about it, and I didn’t have to ask, “Mother, may I?” It’s my story to tell.
If it can help you, and if the moderator will please post this, I have three blogs at http://www.boardinginbedlam.blogspot.com that directly address my story. More will follow at the end of the month. Read them. Take out of them what you like, or what you can use, and leave the rest.
I have readers jumping out of the woodwork (some of them I have known for years) sending me private e-mails that say, “Me, too.” They also say, “Thank you.” The message is obvious. There are many people suffering under the Code of Silence.
Keeping working, Karl. Keep working through your recovery. The goal is not simply to survive. We get one trip through this life. We need to thrive!
Arby
Wow. Just wow. You definitely need to finish your book. Not just for you, but for other men like you who don’t yet have the courage to speak out.
PS- I love that t-shirt and have a brother-in-law who would proudly wear it. Did you make it or buy it somewhere?
Karl,
I am so sorry. My son is almost 4, and I just feel sick thinking that your parents violated you so horribly.
Thank you for speaking out.
Wow…as you can guess, most of us who are your friends had no idea you had to endure such misery. How awful. I’ve very sorry to read this, but I hope it helped you to type it, talk about, and have folks support you.
Thanks again, gang. Far too many comments for me to respond to individually, but wow.
Honestly, I have a great deal of difficulty reading stories on this site. Too triggering for me. I happened to find my autobiography yesterday…it’s part of my therapy assignment for next appt. Think she’s gonna make me read it out loud in my session, doesn’t want me to read it before then. (Which is way hard.)
Haven’t touched it in almost a decade, that manuscript.
The t-shirt in the photo link near the top of this post? That’s my own design. I’ll put it up for sale in my store soon. Thanks.
Karl,
Big, giant tears are streaming sown my face as I type this. I’m honored that you have shared in the past some of this. Honored more that you would direct me here to read.
My heart aches and I’m feeling so pulled in different directions emotionally. The “mother” in me wants to pull you in my lap, rock you, hold you, somehow soothe that little boy’s heart that still lives within you. The ‘best friend’ in me simply wants to beat all their asses in a very inhuman fashion.
I really, really think it is necessary for you to push through that tough chapter. Yes, for you…but also surely for all the other men out there who are Silent Sufferer’s.
I love you wholly, unconditionally and exactly as you are. You are such a blessing in my life.
XXOO,
Min
I’m so proud of you. i think you’re a hell of a lot stronger than you realize or give yourself creit for. I hope this helped and I hope you can connect soon. and as your friend, I hope you know I still love you. youi can’t scare your friends off that easily babe.
Write the book…I really hope you do, I think many will benefit from it. Your braveness to share this will undoubtedly help others.
Karl,
I knew “something” had happened based on what I’ve read on Twitter but I didn’t know your story.
I’ve been done with the piece for 15 minutes now and I’m still sick to stomach.
I hate that the people who you should have been able to trust did that to you.
We both deserved much, much better.
What a huge, huge step you’ve made, just by posting here.
I’m not going to desert you or think less of you.
So proud of you.
xoxoxoxoxo
I’m so proud of you, Karl. The Code of Silence is meant to protect the abusers, not the abused: you have no obligation to protect those who hurt you any longer. And if anyone is able to find reason to think less of YOU because of what someone did to you, s/he’s probably not worth calling a friend — friends support you, not tear you down.
As I’ve said elsewhere, I won’t abandon you. *love and hugs*
Could you please contact me I would like to talk to you about something personal.
Thanks
Sherry
burt222@hotmail.com
Argh, I hate crying. I know that’s an unhealthy thing to say, but I just HATE the FEELING of it. Did a little video experiment yesterday to try and make myself cry with music. It worked.
Thanks to all of you again. Amazing group of people, you.
And I’m easy to find, Sherry. My email address is in the sidebar of my blog. In fact, if you Google my name you’ll find me easily. Hell, if you type in karlerikson.com you’ll find me easily.
You’re right, Karl. It is time. And the Silent Survivor stuff is bullshit. It’s time to shout. It’s time to dance. And damnit, it’s time to live fully and with abandon.
You’ve earned it.
Thankyou for speaking out. I really wish more men would speak out; it would help other victims tremendously. You’re right about the code of silence. It doesn’t even have to be taught.
There doesn’t seem to be much out there for boys who were sexually abused. I hope that changes soon.
Yes, dust off that book and let another man know he’s not alone. It’s courageous to just speak out here in this format dear friend.
I also echo your sentiments with who would want to open up the pandora box of the memories you can’t recall. From my own experience I suffered PTSD right before I turned 40. It was one hell of a long time to find myself broken and fragmented. As a matter of fact my last blog was titled Scream Quietly.
It’s what we do in the deepest recesses of our minds.
Thank you for speaking out. The amount of men and women you help by breaking the silence is insurmoutable. (Hugs)Indigo
Karl, you are so brave to write this. I hope you finish that book. You are a great writer and I’d love to read it. Love to you, dear.
THere are too many of us. Too fucking many. ((((HUGS))))
I have been told that it is so much harder for a man to speak out. Thank you for your courage. Please, finish the book.