I am in love with my current boyfriend but he is starting to do things like isolate me from my friends ... he says they are all bad influences on me, when he drinks he says he blacks out so as much as I hold my tongue & play the good girlfriend he always ends a drunk night calling me terrible names & putting me down but then says the next morning he wouldn't of been talking about me (even though I was the only person in the house) ... he throws remotes at me if I actually work up the courage to discuss anything to do with our relationship, he is unpredictable ... Something that has no relation to him will just set him into a rage where he calls me a head case. I'm not allowed to talk to any of the dad's at my kids school because he gets a bad feeling about their intentions. I don't ever get to go out with my girlfriends without him appearing there yet he drinks till he falls over twice a week & I look after him so as it to set him off. Is this abuse or is it just a jealous overprotective boyfriend ... I know he says what he thinks good or bad & that's part of his character but I'm struggling to work out where the line is. I was very independent before we lived together so is this just part of adjusting to a 'relationship'. Would love to hear people who have been through similar situations thoughts. I can't talk to my family or girlfriends because he says discussing our relationship in any form with anyone is a major show of distrust. My best friend was murdered in December 2013 by her boyfriend who king hit her ... he had me fooled .. I thought he was just intensely jealous of her & in love with her & the constant arguing & making up was how they made their relationship work. 6 weeks before he killed her he threw her against a wall & knocked her out & she rang me & I knew for her to do that meant she was scared but she refused to leave ... she had a plan in place & was going to save some money so her & the kids wouldn't leave with nothing. She didn't make it that far. I don't know if because my dad was an alcoholic & abusive towards my mother I simply put up with his behaviour as normal male crap or if it is a sign of what's to possibly come??? At a loss .... M xx
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
This is powerful and incredible and you are an amazing person. Thank you so much for writing and posting this. I hate, hate, hate what was done to you, but wow, I admire the heck out of you for speaking the truth. Your anger is entirely justified.
I am so very sorry. None of this should have happened to you and none of it is okay and none of it is your fault.
This was an amazing post, Kelly. I am sorry for what happened to you and for the culture that allows it. You took a step here (and it sounds like elsewhere, as well) in speaking out and refusing to be silent. Don't stop: let your angry pave a path for your voice.
I hope that you are able to find peace and healing. Thank you for sharing your story here.
You have every right to be. No one has the right to tell you to stop being angry. You were raped. Full stop. He was wrong. Full stop.
I wish we could get to a place where people don't think the only kind of rape is one that has you getting hit in an alley and dragged somewhere in the dar k by a stranger, more than that I hope we get to a place where rape isn't such a real thing for so many people.
My rape happened 12 years ago. I was told to be quiet. To get over it. Time has helped, but those people are still wrong. I was raped. If that makes people uncomfortable that's not my fault, it's theirs.
Love and light to you.
I am angry, too, for you, for me, and for all of us who have had similar experiences or love people who have. So angry. I stand with you.
I am angry too Kelly. All of the things that happened to you are WRONG and no one ever "asks" to be treated like that or dismissed the way you were by so many. There are no words to take away your pain and anger, so I won't even try to find some. I have a daughter, am a sexual abuse survivor and while it is scary and does make me cry too at times, I am raising her to be a stronger child and eventual woman, than I was. And you will too one day. Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs.
You should be angry! All of those things - so fucking wrong. It's stunning that none of the people around you seem to understand that yes, you were assaulted and feel violated, and that you need support, and that police would dismiss it.
This is what people talk about when they talk about rape culture - how rape is accepted and normalized and victims silenced by exactly this sort of community reaction. I'm glad you came to this space where you can share your voice and hear others agreeing that you have every right to be angry about all of this.
I do hope you'll keep raising your voice and keep telling people that none of this is okay, because while you might feel like one small person, every voice added to the shout of protest makes it stronger, and you are as important as any of us. I hope for change, for all of us.
You should be angry. You have every right to be angry. What everyone did in their role in this was wrong, wrong on so many levels. You have a sister, you might have a daughter - make sure they know you can talk to them about things like this and you will take them seriously. Teach them how to defend themselves. Enroll them in self-defense courses...because this does happen all to frequently and we've been taught to accept it. Never should we accept it, we should always fight back. I am proud of you for your actions - for fighting, for doing what you had to in order to make someone go away, for reporting him...even when people didn't believe you, you still did it, and I am proud of you.
I'm angry for you too. I'm angry for all the women who have experienced a similar event or will experience this in their future. And I'm angry that I am unable to prevent this and that we live in a society that allows this to happen. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and using your voice to shine a light on this incomprehensible situation. I hope you find peace in your future Kelly.
I'm angry for you. I'm angry that this is still happening on college campuses, that sororities are still condoning and covering up violence. You are not alone.
So many of us join you in this anger. Claim it. And remember that by sharing your story, you take steps towards saving the women in your life -- past, present, future -- from being hurt.
I am glad you are here. I am glad you are sharing this. And I am angry it ever happened, to you, to anyone.
I hear you and join your fury at all that you named. I cheer you in calling it out, all of it, including the victim blaming. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It says so much. Wishing you peace and healing and safety always.
I am so sorry you have gone through this and that college is filled with bad memories. The casual way that our society looks at this behaviour is sickening. I have a daughter and it does terrify me. The fact that no intercourse was had has no bearing. You were violated nonetheless and you deserve to be angry. You are just one person, but speaking up is the right start. Too many people don't, which is why this is still not taken seriously. Screw everyone who tells you to get over it or stay quiet. Stay strong and try not to let these memories consume the rest of your life. if you can, use it for good. For change. Keep speaking up and thank you for sharing your story.
@Megsy10e Those are big warning signs. Yes, I would classify that as emotional abuse. That kind of intense jealousy isn't healthy or normal. If he were confident in a relationship, he'd be able to trust you. You should always be able to talk to family and friends. The fact that he doesn't want you to is a huge red flag. He knows he isn't treating you well and hopes you won't figure it out. You should not have to live in fear of setting him off.
You sense something is wrong here. You know it in your heart. That's why you even asked. Get out. Get help. Be safe.